I 19F need help with 20M me and my boyfriend has been together for 2 years now and he expects so much from me.
We moved in together soon a year ago, and I am a person who loves doing things for others and help as much as possible, which means if you need a water I will gladly get up from under my comfy blanket and go get it for you even if you’re right besides the kitchen.
And I love doing this for him especially but at this point it has gone downhill, he expects me to do everything all the time even if I’m sick or literally been working all day, and I am on the edge and tired of it.
I’ve directly asked him if he could do something and he says “ no I kinda expect you to do it since you’ve always done it. “ and I feel my stomach turn, he’s a guy who doesn’t like change. It had to be the way it always has, which means I always make food I can barely ask for help and I’ll expect a no cause he’s busy playing games online.
I always make dinner alone, I clean the whole apartment and make sure everything is filled and here, make sure there’s soap so we can wash hands, make sure there’s food and we’re able to get dinner and such. I take care of plans and write them down, all he basically does is play games and expect to get everything he asks asked. I get up 30+ times a day just to get something only for him, even though he’s way closer and of course old enough and has 2 perfectly working legs.
But how in the hell can I get through to him?? Tell him I’m getting sick and tired of doing everything, whenever I bring it up he feels attacked and nothing is changing if it was up to him. But I wanna feel like 2 people in this relationship not alone.
So what can I do?? Without getting on his nerves, and hopefully not yelled at.
– From a tired female
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He isn’t going to respect you until you name a boundary and stick with it.
Beyond that, he has zero empathy for you as a person. You’re young. Find someone else. Dude is a sack.
It sounds like you’re doing way more than your fair share, and it’s understandable you’re exhausted. A clear, calm conversation about dividing responsibilities might help, maybe even making a shared chore list. If he still refuses to contribute, setting firm boundaries about what you will and won’t do is reasonable—you deserve a partnership, not a one-sided relationship.
Why in the world aren’t you leaving this relationship?
He has explicitly told you that he expects you to be his unpaid servant and he’s shown you over and over he has zero interest in changing. What do you think you’re getting out of this that you couldn’t get from anyone else?
Dick is plentiful and cheap. You can do better.
Leave. There’s no way any self-respecting person should be putting up with all that.
There’s a running gag about “the magic sink” or “the magic laundry basket” where a guy puts things in, and then they “magically” wash themselves… until the wife / girlfriend inevitably bails.
You can always say “no”. No doesn’t require an apology, explanation, etc. It’s a sentence on it’s own, and that kind of makes it a magical phrase by itself.
I doubt it’ll help but just stop. Literally. Don’t be his personal assistant. Don’t be his server. Don’t be his cook. If he can’t choose to be a grown adult in a long-term relationship then who cares if you get on his nerves for asking for some mutual respect? If all he can do it yell at you instead of talk to you and find a balance, then this will never change.
GROSS.
You’re his partner, not his parent.
He can either become an ADULT with you or without you.
I would encourage you to let him become an adult without you.
Um, no man has the right to raise his voice at you, especially not for telling him “I’m tired, you can get you’re own water.” You have a respect issue in your relationship
This is mommy/maid treatment.
I guess you’ll tolerate being mistreated and never can call him out or stand up for yourself because he feels attacked when you do.
Stop rewarding him by continually being his servant! Stop acting like his feelings are more important than yours. Who cares if he feels his ability to exploit you is being attacked, he’s disrespecting you.
Tell him, “I’m not attacking you, I’m telling you my boundaries. I’m not your servant and will not act like it. I’m going to treat you the same way you treat me. I won’t be getting things for you, I won’t be cooking for you, cleaning or anything else. When you want to have conversation about how we can be partner on these things, I’ll be ready. Any complaining or pouting will fall on deaf ears, I’m not changing my mind on this. You can be my partner or nothing.”
Good chance he’ll think you’re bluffing because you clearly have shown him you care more about keeping him than your well being. Tell him ok and he’ll come begging back when he realizes you’re serious and can’t manipulate you.
Remember, you’re supposed to be his partner. You’re acting like his mom. A grown man shouldn’t be playing video games while you cook, clean, and run everything. Doesn’t the idea of you being his mom just dry up all attraction to him?
Tell him that he doesn’t get to decide by himself that things won’t change. He can either change things by starting to do things for himself and for your shared household or he can get used to doing everything for himself after you leave.
Don’t worry more about hurting his feelings than expressing yours. You deserve to be heard in your relationship without being yelled at.
You need to grow a backbone and put your foot down. Quit being so passive, that is how you landed in this mess in the first place. If he is not willing to listen and do shit for himself then leave. You are not his Mother, you are his partner. Full stop.
What exactly does he do for you? Why are you staying with him? You are absolutely miserable. Life doesn’t need to be this way. There are a million men out there who can treat you the way you desire. Stop acting like he is the last man left on earth.
Weaponized incompetence, look it up. I hope you leave him. Honestly.
This is disgusting, and I don’t know how you can find him remotely attractive. This isn’t princess treatment. This is slave treatment. You’re essentially his mom who he can fuck. You need a man. Someone who would get up for you, cook you a meal, take initiative, not whatever pathetic excuse this guy is.
End it now or get divorced in a decade wishing you would have listened to the advice in this thread.
If this wasn’t part of the discussed dynamic it is a problem. I do the same for my spouse, but he makes multiple times what I do, works crazy hours at a high stress job while I don’t (any more, I had a stressful job for a year and hated it), and he pays most of the bills. I also knew going in, from day one, that he did not plan on doing any housework and he would pay for a maid monthly (I pay for it but he takes that out of my already smaller share of the bills) to make it more manageable for me. I went in with my eyes open and I’m not angry about this. If I had not agreed to this dynamic but he just expected it and demanded it, especially if expecting me to pay as much or more of the bills, that would not be ok with me.
Since you didn’t agree to carry the domestic/life admin load, ask him: if I stopped doing all of the cooking and cleaning and favors for you completely and when you asked me to do something nice or helpful for you I said no, would you stay with me? And when he says no (and he will) ask him – so why tf should I stay with YOU?
Just stop being his doormat. You get what you settle for and do not for one minute forget that.
If you communicating your needs causes him to yell at you or gets on his nerves, you have a bigger problem. In relationships we will always have to have hard conversations and it is our responsibility to show up for our partners, even when it’s hard. Too many people avoid this by yelling or being an ass and those people are not open to change. Unless they see consequences. You need to leave for the weekend or longer and get some time to yourself. How does it feel when you spend time with other people? A little distance often gives big perspective. If he doesn’t appreciate you, he likely never will. Life is long and the person you are seeing is the person he is. When someone shows you, believe them. Leave now or you will just end up leaving later, when you are an older, sadder, and more jaded version of yourself
Stop being a doormat? The end.
Without being yelled at? Oh, hell no! Wake up, girl. His mom probably babied him. You’re not his mom. Throw the whole boy away and date a man.
Next time he asks you to get something, ask him if his legs are broken. This is a lack of respect for your time and efforts and quite frankly a lack of respect for you in general. Sit under your blanket and let his mouth turn to dust!
Of course he doesn’t like change, he doesn’t have to do anything. You have tried to express how you feel, but he doesn’t care to listen. You have to decide if this is the life you want to live forever
Leave. He’s not gonna change. Imagine having kids with someone so selfish.
Honey, break up with him. He doesn’t see you as his girlfriend, he sees you as his mom/maid. The only way things will get better for you is if you get a better partner.
Oh girl. You replaced his mommy- that’s why you are getting the ick. Because now you’re his mommy, his bang maid.
What you do is stop doing things for him. I mean everything. When a person totally disregards you, you don’t just pull back slightly. You pull it allll the wat back.
If he yells at you when you say no, leave the room. Remove yourself from the situation. Don’t yell back. Repeat the same phrase over and over again- “I’m not doing it. If you want it, do it yourself”. He’s acting like a sullen teenager whose Mommy told him no. You don’t argue with sullen teenagers.
Then you need to take a step back and evaluate a couple things:
1- Why are you so eager to please a man, to give him wifey privileges when he’s a boyfriend?
2- Why are you so eager to put so much energy into a relationship and not get that same energy back?
3- Mutual Respect is a must for any relationship. He doesn’t respect you. He’s using his anxiety as an excuse. Do you want to be in a relationship where he doesn’t respect or appreciate you?
4- Sit down with yourself and set a “I’m done” moment. Because life happens, and we get comfortable even in the most uncomfortable toxic situations. In a couple of years you’ll be like, “well, at least he does this or that” not realizing how much you’re settling.
Girl… I promise you… you can find someone who appreciates, supports, and respects you !!! This behavior will only get worse. Do you want this type of relationship for the rest of your life?
Yes, sure, you can have conversations, set expectations, ask him to do better… but his behavior is showing an underlying lack of respect for you. It’s not just about him not wanting to help out. And that lack of respect will NOT change.
Take the position of France when it comes to royalty.
Sounds like he wants a band maid. And maybe a mommy. This will never change. Actually it will, I can guarantee it will get worse. Cut your losses and leave him now. Would be a lot easier cooking for and cleaning up after one person instead of two.
Having wasted 2 years is better than looking back in 10 years realizing you wasted 10 years and were just someone’s maid. God forbid you have a child together he will still expect you to take care of 3/4/5 people and never lift a finger.
Omg? Break up with him immediately. Just because you like doing things for others, doesn’t mean you deserve to have someone use you. You need someone who sees what you do, is appreciative, and responds in kind. Even if your partner doesn’t match everything you do, they should be aiming to do SOMETHING to make you happy. This guy doesn’t love you. He loves what you do for him. Otherwise, he would have stepped up when you asked.
Leave. This will only get worse and uselessness is not an attractive quality.
If you can’t/won’t leave, then just stop. If he wants a drink, he can get it himself. If he wants clean clothes, he can figure out how to do laundry. If he wants dinner, he can make something. If the little fella wants a snack, he can use his big boy legs to go to the kitchen and find one.
You are enabling him to treat you this way, so just stop.
You can’t get through to him, he is getting exactly what he wants, a bang maid. You should leave him now. It will be easier the sooner you do it if you wait or get pregnant or married to this man, it will be harder to leave and you’ll be even more worn down and more miserable.
I’ve been here, I love doing things for people, loved doing it for my ex fiancé but he never changed and because of that I started resenting him, anything he did annoyed me but I finally had the courage to leave him. Looking back, I wasted so many years! Leave.
I’d break up. When does your lease finish. Make an exit plan and stick to it. He’s not going to change. This is who he is. A taker. And you need someone who isn’t a taker and is as generous as you are.
Then when you are single again I think you need to reflect on your own life view. The person you need to be nicest to and help the most is yourself. If you want a partner who pulls their weight then that’s how it should be from the beginning. Instead of doing everything you should be helping out more when they need it. So when they are sick or extremely busy. That will protect your peace but is also being a great partner. And it gives the other person the chance to ge a gray partner to you.
This guy is a lost cause. A decent guy would have wanted a cleaning and cooking roster where you both pull your weight. He just wants a mommy and a maid. Not a partner in life. Time to go
This has been the relationship that he has been in for two years, and I totally understand him not wanting to change it. Having said that, you need to sit down with him and tell him that it is no longer working for you. You then need to set the boundaries that would work for you. Let him know that you understand that changes can be upsetting, but let him know that if your new boundaries don’t work for him, you will need to leave the relationship. When he blames things on you, admit that you are the one changing boundaries, but you have the right to do that when your needs change.
Why are you giving him the wifey subscription when he should be on the casual guy subscription?
This is a preview to what married life will look like. One year is enough time to now whether he meets your expectations. He sounds like an overgrown toddler. Return him back to his parents so they can change his diaper.
Just stop doing this stuff for him. I don’t get it? If he doesn’t like it he can leave. He is a grown man that should be taking care of himself. Relationships are not one sided.
Just stop doing everything for him. Make food for yourself and only yourself. Only clean what you use/dirty/sit in regularly. Start using a separate blanket at night and only wash yours so his gets stinky. Only put your clothes in the washer. He will either get off his lazy ass and realize he needs to be an adult and contribute to society, or you can use his very visual and all over the place disrespect to kick him out.
You’re a people pleaser to your own detriment. Stop and take a look at your relationship. Things need to be somewhat equal. If you see you have been doing more than you should speak up!!!! Don’t be a doormat! This is why women shouldn’t live together with someone unless it’s heading towards marriage and are engaged! Otherwise you become a bangmaid maid for life! Start speaking up! One piece of advice I got a long time ago was “Make sure you can always take care of yourself financially”. Don’t forget that. If your boyfriend see things differently start looking for your own apartment. Did you live alone before you moved in with him? Might be something you want to do. And lastly don’t commingle finances. ALWAYS keep your own bank account!
I’m a people-pleaser/lover-girl, too, but I know when I’m being played! You are being played hard, girl! You’re his doormat, but you did teach him to treat you this way, so you’re partly responsible. Dump him, and find a man who is like you, and you can take care of each other. A man like you would never allow you to do it all!
However, I do have one more suggestion, that’s been working for me, when I apply it, but it’s at the advice of a person I follow on Instagram, which I’m not sharing here. DM if you wanna know!
You have adopted him, he is now your son. This guy just wants “mommy but younger”. Stop wasting your youth with him. Run, get a u haul
Stop doing that shit, OP. It’s maladaptive that you’re even asking how not to get on his baby nerves, and not get yelled at? Takers like givers, and you’re an overgiver. So stop doing that stuff. Stop getting up to get stuff for him and calmly say you get it I’m over here. You’re almost relishing your role as the long-suffering martyr here?
Only you can decide if you want to be a bang maid or an equal respected partner.
You remind me of my daughter who wanted to be the perfect girlfriend to her boyfriend and after 2 years was done with it. He got so used to her doing everything that he got super lazy and one day she broke up with him. Luckily they weren’t living together.
She would often joke that he was the female in the relationship and he was! She wants a man who takes care of himself. Want to know the last straw? He told her he plans on not working and she has to support him and he’ll be the stay at home dad when they have kids. That was the turning point for her.
U don’t respect ur self so u would u expect someone to respect u. If u have any self respect run. U will get a guy who will deserve all of ur kindness n reciprocate ten fold. N u r so young to be babying this grown ass man
So sexy. I can understand why you are so attracted to him. But seriously just say no and/or repeatedly ask him to do the same for you because you do it for him. But then why would you want to because he clearly doesn’t care about you in any way??
Confused female …
I wouldn’t be in this relationship. I have chronic pain and mobility issues some days I can barely walk 10 feet into the kitchen. I still don’t ask my husband for anything and get it myself. I feel uncomfortable asking him for something when he’s already in the kitchen. I have two legs and yes they hurt but I can get things myself. I’m home all day alone cause I cannot work and take care of myself the whole time. Me and my husband are a team housework and cooking is equal. My husband doesn’t like to cook and I can’t stand long enough to cook like I used to but we figure it out.
why are you still doing that? you know that you have free will and can just stop?
There’s a simple solution. Stop doing things for him. I mean everything.
His statement that he ‘expects you to do it since you’ve always done it’ tells you all that you need to know – until or unless you make a firm stand that he needs to start getting off his ass and functioning as an adult, he’s not going to do jack shit. Stop worrying about getting on his nerves or getting yelled at – sit down with him now, today, and inform him that you are not his live-in maid and you will not be catering to him any longer. Let him know that if you’re on your way into the kitchen, he may certainly ask you if you could get him something, but that he needs to not automatically expect you to do so. Then hold that line – if you’re sitting down and comfortable and he asks for something, tell him no or remind him to get it for himself. Ask yourself exactly what you’re getting out of this relationship right now that makes you willing to put up with this behavior for the foreseeable future, since it’s not going to stop until you make it.
And do you tie his shoes and tuck him into bed at night with a cup of tea?!
Why are you with him? You’re nothing but a servant who gives him sex. This isn’t love at all. Why don’t you think you deserve better?
I would dump his ass pronto…..I would never do all of that for some little pissant guy. You need to just tell him: Doing all these things for you is too much on me and you expect too damn much.” Next time he asks for something just say no get it yourself. and by the way u are too young to be tethered to some 20 yr olf guy who plays stinkin games all day. You should date other people at your age.
You can change him to a degree, but this level of contempt from him is more than can ever be fixed. Be kind to future you and get out of there. Find someone who shares your values and caring nature and reflects it back at you.
Omg op, stop wiping his ass. You’re acting like a doormat. That’s the problem with being the one who does everything; you always come last. Do you want this for the rest of your life? If not, stop trying to be the cool gf and start asserting yourself. He’s not even your husband, just some rando you’ve been dating for a couple years and you’re already acting like his mom. He’s weaponizing incompetence and doesn’t give a f*ck that you’re always pouring from an empty cup. Think about that. What a lousy partner. You deserve so much more than bangmaid treatment.
I would just stop doing things when you’re tired. Especially if he’s asking you to bring him something when he is perfectly capable and better positioned. “No. You can do it.” That’s it. And worrying about getting yelled at is definitely something to look into. He should never be yelling at you. Honestly, you’d probably be better off getting out of this relationship asap.
DROP THE ROPE
You are the bang unpaid maid.
Stop doing stuff for him, doing stuff for people is your love language but unfortunately your boyfriend is using you.
Respectfully, it was a bad idea for you to move in together at such a young age. He’s a spoilt brat who’s likely used to his mother doing everything for him so sees this as a woman’s place i.e. to serve him. Move out, find roommates and rent a place together, see your bf after school/work. Teenage relationship should be about having fun and sharing life experiences, not chores and housework. You went too deep too fast and I think you need to reverse course here.
I think maybe you’ve babied him for too long and now he’s entitled, you’ve gotta put your foot down twin
> But how in the hell can I get through to him?
Just stop doing it.
“Hun, can you get me..”
“No.”
You’re his maid, mother and enabler. Stop being that. If he doesn’t get the message within a week, get out.
How does he show that he loves you and cares about the life you’re building together? It honestly sounds like he’s just…there. And not really participating in the relationship besides expecting to be waited on.
A quick side note about love languages, as it sounds like you’re an “acts of service” person. That’s my husband, too! But he also has EXCELLENT boundaries around his time and energy, and does not over-extend. That is key in any relationship, but especially if your instinct is to be a caregiver – you need to care for yourself and make sure your own needs are being met, or you will burn out.
I’m sorry but never ever tell a man you are a people pleaser or you like helping people! I speak from experience. 🙃
When you want to change your behavior, you’re gonna need to set a boundary.
“ I don’t mind helping if I’m up but when I’m all snuggled up, I think you can get your own water”
But then what happens is the “ extinction burst”…
He will ask and whine and yell and try to get you to do it … you have to keep your boundary firm until finally he accepts it
So you’re basically his slave. He’s using you and has no respect.
If he asks you to get him water or something simply say, “No, you will need to get that yourself if you want that.”
See how he responds. You also need to have a sit down talk with him and tell him that unless he does his share of chores, you are done with this relationship. Agree together on who does what chores when. See how that goes.
Or just decide he’s useless and break up. That’s a fair move!
Dump him he’s treating you as a maid and a slave
>Without getting on his nerves, and hopefully not yelled at.
Wait. You do everything for him, treat him like a princess, and yells at you? Nononononono
NO!
Calmly tell him you won’t be doing it any more. He doesn’t have to reciprocate if he doesn’t want to, but that will mean you will end the relationship.
Move out and dump him. Simples.
You are young. Let this be a lesson to you about properly training your partner early in what you expect. It is way, way harder to move the ball later on. You can try, and clear communication of “if this doesn’t change I’m done” may be in order. You’re past the stage where you can do it through positive reinforcement from what you describe.
For the next guy: I’m big into doing nice things for my partner too. But I made clear early on there has to be balance. We take care of EACH OTHER, it’s not that I take care of him. How did I train this? I gave him a lot of positive reinforcement early when he did nice things for me (make dinner, etc), so we got into the habit of whoever is least tired cooks. Then we talked about our least favorite chores and divided primary responsibility along those lines. He hates laundry, I don’t mind laundry. I hate trash, he doesn’t mind trash. Etc. it’s not set in stone, but the parameters are that we help each other and we’re both better off.
Solidarity. Before I learned the importance of early setting of expectations, I burnt myself out in a few relationships too. Just gave and gave and gave till I was exhausted and there was nothing left to give and I was done. Clear communication early is the best way.
Girl, leave this lazy hobosexual. He has all but told you he wants a bang maid.
You have actively trained him to walk all over you. You probably won’t be able to untrain him. You need to imagine what your life would be like if you had children with him. I promise it’s worse than you think. You need a new boyfriend!
Time to break up, move on and find someone who appreciates you.
Oh he just sucks in every single way. Are you even his girlfriend or just his bang maid?
Dump him. Then he has to get his own water.
Seriously, though, that man does not care for you. I’m sorry to reiterate that he is using you for free maid service and free sex.
Leave. He’s not going to change. Oh, he might step up for a while if you make him but he’ll start right back up. If you want to be doormat, stay. Don’t be a doormat.