My parent was dying of cancer and in the hospital the last month before they passed a week ago. My bf of 8 months (Tom) has been having mental and emotional crises, which escalated when I couldn’t be there for him because I was the primary caretaker of my parent and then their legal guardian/medical power of attorney toward the end when they couldn’t communicate.
I worked 12 hour days nonstop to ensure my parent was comfortable, their financial/legal affairs were in order, and coordinating international relatives to come say their goodbyes. Watching my parent in so much pain, and sometimes terror about the pain and impending death, was unbearable. I did everything for my family so they could all just rest and grieve. All I asked from my boyfriend was to not bring negativity into a difficult situation and to just BE there for me in a neutral or helpful capacity.
The day my parent was dying, Tom asked me to call him because he’s being “attacked” by negative forces. I told him no, I have minutes to hours left with my parent. He spiraled. My parent died. Tom asked for help the day after they died. I said no, I need to plan a funeral, find a cemetery plot, etc. I told Tom he can only attend the funeral if he is emotionally balanced and doesn’t take energy/resources from me, that he cannot be on his phone, and he has to find a suit (he doesn’t work so he does not have nice clothes).
He could not do this and did not attend the funeral. The day of the funeral, he again called and asked for help. As well as the day after. He was then upset that I didn’t help him, because from his perspective, he was suffering because he was trying to help my parent but was not “guided properly” and therefore was made susceptible to be attacked by negativity, which is what caused Tom’s agony.
The past month was the hardest of my life. He wasn’t there for it. I understand it is because he was also having a hard time. But I can’t help but think – what if there is a future crisis, and he isn’t there again? What if I’m having our baby, and he doesn’t show up to the hospital? What if there is an accident?
He swears he’s past the worst of it and he’s “cleansed” now. I cannot maintain smoothing over his emotional volatility, chaos and negativity for any longer.
Before this, Tom was an alcoholic, but when I told him he needs to quit or I’m leaving, he did quit. Is it possible for a person to pull out of this situation too? Yes, I told him he must be in therapy if he wants to be with me, and he started the process, but hasn’t gone yet.
TLDR: Is Tom being absent when I needed him most enough to leave him, or do I give him another chance?
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Oh, hell yes. You don’t need to be the emotional support for someone you basically just met. Don’t even look back on this one.
sounds like you were both having an extremely hard time. Sounds like he is not psychologically ready for a relationship.
your happiness matters just as much as his.
If this is no AI ragebait, you have to deeply examine yourself, and find out why in the 7 hells do you allow this loser to trample over your life so much.
And then, work hard and do years of therapy, so you don’t allow this ever again.
I am sorry for your loss, those are very different times.
But your boyfriend… Yes, you should dump him.
The guy is beyond mentally unstable. He’s an emotional vampire. I assume you have always had to run to his rescue because of his mental health.
He is not someone you can depend on. When you needed him the most, he literally called you on the day of your parent passing to go give him emotional support. Didn’t even show up for the funeral.
Broken people are going to give you a broken relationship experience. You should go after people who are well put together. Who can hold their own. Who doesn’t need you to act as their daily therapist. Someone who actually can play the role of a life partner.
You went through one of the hardest days of your life and he was out here asking you to go aid him.
You deserve way better than that.
He sounds terrible.
Get rid of this guy. He’s not going to be husband material and you’re wasting your time on a deadbeat boyfriend.
People like him, the relationship will always be about their mental health. Its going to be a terrible long term experience. Acting as their therapist instead of their GF.
Wtf is Tom on? This sounds like spiritual manipulation. He’s definitely an energy vampire. He needs to go. It seems like you can’t have a crisis without him having one too. Also he doesn’t work, so what the hell better things he gotta do rather than be with you? I met my husband when I was 32 and he had his shit together. This guy is going to drag you under even tho he’s the one with the flotation device.
I am so sorry for the loss of your parent. My deepest condolences.
Dear, why on earth are you putting up with this madness?? This is way more than being absent, Tom did everything but fall on the floor pounding his fists and crying “pay attention to me!!”. All while you were dealing with an incredibly difficult and heartbreaking situation. Please see his behavior for the self-centred attention grab that it was. Perhaps he really was struggling. Perhaps he really could not be there for you. But to harass you constantly to take care of him? No. No, OP. Please walk away from this man.
I am so very sorry for your loss. That is so, so hard.
It might be possible to come back from something like that, but I don’t think I could be the one to manage it. I would have all the same fears. This is not a guy who can help when things are hard.
Yeah, he needed to be in therapy quite some time ago, and then he could’ve contacted his therapist when he was being ‘attacked’ and spiraling. This is a very new relationship, as y’all haven’t even been dating for a full year yet, so you’re still learning about who the other person is and seeing how the two of you work as a couple. He’s an alcoholic and has severe mental health problems; ask yourself exactly what you’re getting out of this relationship right now that makes you want to stay in it and deal with that, along with all of his other behaviors.
Yeah nah, Tom isn’t worth the effort it took to type this out. Ditch him.
He needs more help than you can give him. You shouldn’t be telling him he needs to quit alcohol or get into therapy or the next directive. He is an adult and should know how to do these things. Is this really how you want to live? You could chose to give him a pass on around your dad dying and his funeral because of his own mental issues but what about the next issue and the next? You’re not obligated to be his caretaker. He needs more than therapy from what it sounds like. For your own wellbeing, leave now and don’t regret staying years down the road.
Tom is an energy vampire with some mental health issues which are HIS to solve!
Stop answering his calls. Block him. Dump him. Stop coddling subpar men.