My girlfriend 22F and I 23M have been together for 1.5 years. We’ve been friends for a few years before making it official so our families know each other very well.
It was an easy transition from friends to lovers for everyone.. our families were comfortable with each other, so there was no need to introduce anyone.
My gf and I recently moved into an apartment complex together 5 months ago, and it’s finally feeling like home.
But here’s the issue.. she wants to try for a child and I’m complete against it. Atleast for now.
I’ve had this conversation with her twice this week and they all end with her being mad and not talking to me, and her mother getting involved and siding with her daughter.
Even though we recently moved into a new apartment together, and have a place of our own, I don’t want a child unless we’re in a house and have enough money set aside to be comfortable.
We do have a good amount in savings, and at this rate in a few years house shopping will be in our budget.
We both work pretty extensive hours so there’s also no time for us to be with the child. And not only is that unfair to the child, but also to us as parents.. I want to be there for my kid as much as possible.
My gf doesn’t see it this way, she says “we’ll figure it out, let’s start a family young”. And her mother says the same exact thing. “You’ll figure it out, parents always do”
Fuck that I don’t want to “figure it out” I want it all figured out before i bring a baby into this world. I’m not having a child without having a place of our own the time for the child, and the finances to live comfortably.
What happens if we lose this apartment, someone loses their job, or we split? Maybe I’m thinking to far into this. But my intentions are good. I had a rough childhood and I dont want my child to experience something similar. AITAH?
Comments
NTA. You have the right to want to have children on your own terms. If they don’t match with your gf’s terms, then she can decide if it’s a dealbreaker for her. But forcing you and involving her mom to put pressure ? Yeah, that’s creepy and not how deciding to start a family should be done.
No one should have a kid because partner and partner’s parent told them to.
NTA
But your gf and her mother definitely are.
Don’t do it! Babies are a 2 yes 1 no situation. Only proceed when both want them, if one says no that is it end of story. And don’t trust her not to try to trap you. Make sure you use condoms every time and that they have not been tampered with.
You are both still babes. Early in a relationship. You have plenty of time. If she disagrees then maybe you two really aren’t compatible. But be very careful they don’t baby trap you.
NTA.You guys are only dating for 1.5 years.Take your time .You are still young .Get established first and then have kids maybe.
NTA. You’re just being realistic, wanting a kid without a house, money, or time isn’t fair to anyone. She and her mom need to respect that.
NTA at all. But I would be very, very careful with birth control. I would be incredibly paranoid that your girlfriend will go off birth control and get pregnant without your consent. Wear condoms and make sure they are new. I think you should tell her that if she does that, you will end things with her.
There’s no rush. Enjoy being with each other for a while. Having a baby changes everything. Just have a talk with her about a reasonable time when you both are comfortable starting a family. You are both very young.
NTA. Babies aren’t like Ikea furniture you don’t just figure it out with missing screws.
She doesn’t seem mature enough to have a child if she ran to her mommy to tell on you. She may not be lifetime partner material. Think carefully about your relationship and keep your condoms secure.
NTA. But she will try to get pregnant with you. Then, the next step is her quitting her job to be SAM. It BS her mom inserting herself into this issue. You can look forward to that happening with every big argument.
NTA.
You’re in your early twenties and have lived together for 5 months. You still need to learn how you both work running a home together.
Imo it’d be stupid to have a baby so fast after moving in. You are both so young and you both have plenty of time.
Her mother also needs to keep her nose out of it – it’s not her choice, and it’s not her business to decide when her daughter is ready for a child.
She can’t (and shouldn’t) argue her way into something as huge as this. You don’t want a child rn and she needs to respect that.
But with that said, is this a “I don’t think I will ever want a child” kind of deal?
Because you would be TA if you just string her along with an empty promise of future parenthood that you know you have no intention of ever providing.
You are NTA. In fact, you sound pretty level headed to me. Hold your ground. You two are young and really haven’t been dating all that long. What is the rush? It is absolutely not her Mothers business and she should butt out of your household. Involving her shows immaturity on your GF’s part.
NTA
Please wait until you’re both ready for kids before having them.
-signed by an adult who was an unwanted pregnancy
NTA. You’ve only been together for 1.5 years and you’re young. You also mention you both work a lot. What’s the rush? Lots of time to have a child. Keep using protection btw so you don’t have a surprise!
Keep the faith
Nobody has it “all figured out,” so discard that notion. But, that being said, 22 and 23 are way to young to have kid(s). I bet your gf has it all figured out that once the baby is here, she’ll announce she’s going to be a SAHM, and EVERYTHING will be on your shoulders. You’ll never have a relaxing day again.
Stick to your guns, and be sure to be in charge of the birth control, because otherwise it’s going to happen.
NTA. Your girlfriend is selfish; so is her mother. The world needs more parents like you.
NTA. You’re very mature and want a good life for your family. If she doesn’t see it this way, maybe it’s a sign. PS, make sure you wear a condom even if she’s on the pill. Just in case.
Life changing decisions, the NO wins.
NTA
Keep close eye on birth control
Not the AH. You’re setting a boundary around one of the biggest decisions a person can make. We’ll figure it out’ isn’t a parenting plan, it’s a gamble. And if you’re not both on the same page about timing, stability, and readiness, then pushing forward could lead to resentment and hardship for everyone involved, including the child.
Having a baby or getting a dog is a two yes/one no decision.
Be careful you don’t get baby trapped.
Hopefully you abstain or control your own protection because it sounds like with mom on her side reinforcing it you could get trapped. But seriously think about if this is the right relationship for you. Kids should be a 2 yes only decision this includes timing and expectations about raising them. You 2 do not sound like you are on the same page.
DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER UNTIL THIS IS RESOLVED.
At least, not sex that can result in pregnancy. Do other things.
If you MUST have p-in-v sex, use brand-new condoms that ONLY you have access to.
But you’re better off not doing it at all, to be sure.
You are not married. What the fuck is she doing wanting to have a child?
I can buy the idea that you might not wanna wait until you have a house. Families can start out young, but you do also want to feel that you have a steady employment, steady household expenses.
And you should be married
NTA. Use condoms every time, and only use condoms that she and her mother haven’t had access to prior to use.
Be careful of baby trapping.
And reconsider this relationship. Your GF is displaying huge red flags and a lack of boundaries.
You both need to sit down and discuss what would happen after the baby comes too. Does she want to be a sahm? How would that work financially? Etc
You have a valid point, he rand her Mom are moving kind of fast. Kids are so expensive, I mean there are hidden expenses, utilities get higher if a new Mum or babysitter is home all day, and the food budget, the formula. Car seats have to be replaced everytime the child grows.
Nta and do NOT sleep with her. You’ll end up with a kid you didn’t want and she will pretend it’s a miracle
NTA. “Figure it out” is not a long term plan. And no not listen to anyone who will not have primary custody of the child. Future grandparents and friends will all say you should go for it, but none of them will have to handle the responsibility.
My kid was unplanned, and yes, we “figured it out,” but it was a much greater struggle than if we were prepared and did it smart. You can’t have everything fully figured out, but try and have as much in place before you take that step.
Take some trips, travel a bit, enjoy the child free life for a little while, get some money saved up and have the important conversations like is she going to stay home or will you do daycare. When you feel mostly ready, then try for kids.
Most importantly, take charge of birth control. I personally wouldn’t risk having someone make that decision for me with the expectation that we will figure it out once she becomes pregnant. If you think she will do that, you might want to rethink things.
Ummmm NTA. Please don’t do it. Idk what the hell your gf and her mom are thinking.
FFS, you’re too young to be thinking about kids and you haven’t been together near long enough to start a family.
NTA. Make sure she is not tampering with the birth control method you are both using. I would double up!
NTA you are the only one in this story with a brain it seems.
NTA. We waited because my wife was in school, etc. She had our first when she was 29, then at 34 and last at 37. Our last came two days after I turned 46. Gave us time to be financially secure, build our relationship (started 5 years after marriage) and mature.
NTA. Handle contraceptives yourself, and be wary of her going off birth control or sabotaging your contraceptives.
Absolutely 100% NTA. You have a right to want to wait to have children. If someone is pressuring you to have children with them, they might not be the right person for you.
NTA!! Use PROTECTION for the foreseeable do not her take her word it if she says she’s on the pill!!
NTA. Never never never have a child if you’re not ready.
Why doesn’t reddit have a laugh react??
NTA. But make sure you’re relying on a second form of birth control, preferably condoms that you only have access to.
The fact that your girlfriend throws a fit every time this comes up and doesn’t respect your decision says a lot more about the state of your relationship than anything
You will never have everything 100% figured out when you have a kid. Just FYI. Even if you had a house, you could lose that house, even if you wait till marriage, you could divorce-
With that being said- you shouldn’t have children unless you’re “ready”. In the sense that you will do all you can to provide the life you want for your child. It is ideal to have your finances and support ready. To have your mind a little ready. You don’t sound mentally ready and that is okay.
Don’t let your girlfriend and her mother pressure you. Use protection. Keep your protection hidden so she can’t pop holes into it.
Or break up so she can find someone who is mentally ready to start a family young.
Ideally, wait till marriage. Around this time and the two year mark you’ll know if this is the relationship for you.
You want alignment. Not pressure.
make sure you’re both using protection during sex and check the condoms for holes.
NTA and wrap it every time with condoms she does not have access to
Honestly, I wouldn’t stay with a partner who was so immature they brought mommy in as a tag team partner into relationship issues. Do you really want every relationship conversation to be you versus your girlfriend and her mommy. Your girlfriend is definitely too immature to be a parent.
You should expect a “birth control failure” in your immediate future.
NTA, and I hate to say this, but: 1) If you’re not using condoms, start, and 2) keep them where she won’t get at them.
while I completely agree with the gf and mother that children are kind of like an investment (like a mortgage) that you will regret waiting too long for because it only gets harder as you age
at your age it still seems ridiculous
but most importantly, together for how long? and not even committed enough to get married yet?
NTAH. you’d likely have the baby then fight and split up and screw the kid up.
Don’t do it, and hopefully you’re not relying on her for birth control
This is the beginning of the story about how OP got baby trapped by his girlfriend.
Dude… get the fuck out of this relationship. You’re clearly not on the same page, and baby trapping is a thing.
NTA. Boy, run. Seriously.
You need tamper-proof birth control that YOU control in the mean time. Or abstinence.
But seriously, you guys are so very young. It’s way too soon for someone to pressure you into having kids. Kids are two enthusiastic yeses or it’s a firm no. Check out regretful parents on here if you don’t believe me.
Your too young to have kids at this time
You guys are still so young you have YEARS to try for a kid.. you’re the correct one imo you should not be bringing children into this world living in an apartment while working extensive hours and having no time to spend with them
You should be looking to break your lease and get out and away. Whatever that cost is will be far, far less than the costs of raising a child.
Do not have sex with her under any circumstances. Having a child you don’t want is already a bad idea. Adding her mom to the conversation makes it so much worse because now you know exactly what it will be like if you do have a child. Your GF’s mom will always be over involved.
Honestly, it’s the pressure from GF’s mom that shoves this whole situation over the relationship ending cliff for me.
NTA, and this was a legitimate difference of opinion until she got her mother involved. Tell her no, and any time she drags her mother into a disagreement with you it’s going to be an automatic no. I’m not saying ditch the whole relationship at this point but you need to be absolutely firm or she’s going to be bringing in the mommy cavalry forever.
NTA. Listen to everyones advice on the condoms.
Just FYI parenthood is 100% figuring it out. Financially though yea you’re right – its waaay easier when you’re financially secure.
You should be very careful with birth control.
She’s let you know what she intends to do.
And the fact she reeled her mother in to help her change your mind is NOT ACCEPTABLE. Boundary violation to bring someone outside the relationship in for manipulation purposes.
You want a plan and she doesn’t.
That sounds like a fundamental incompatibility to me.
and no boundaries.
NTA
NTA. You both will easily get overwhelmed by everything, and adding a child would make it so much worse.
This is obviously bad for your relationship, but I’d actually be concerned about your own personal well-being. The way your gf is reacting and treating you is very worrisome. It speaks to a sense of entitlement and a huge disrespect of your boundaries and desires. The fact that she treats you badly for asserting your autonomy (and, honestly, some common sense) comes off as very manipulative and emotionally coercive. This is the kind of person that takes tic-tacs instead of birth control.
Hell, just because I’ve been in Reddit for a long time, I’m even considering if her insistence and efforts in manipulation are a sign that she may already be pregnant and wants OP onboard with this birth, whether he’s the actual father or not.
She is going through get pregnant, unless you prevent it.
Smart man! Wrap it up though…seriously.
No, you’re NTA you guys are literally in your early 20’s, and you just moved in together
I just saw the headline that said in the US, the average cost to raise a child is $300K. That’s a lot of money, especially if you haven’t become established as you wish.
Some folks are fine with rentals for life while others really want the stability and privacy of home ownership.
I think 22/23 is fairly young to start a family, especially if you’re on the fence.
Also, 18 months isn’t really All That Long for a relationship – the two of you are probably still learning the dirty ugly truths about each other- like your GF likes running to her mother and getting her involved in your disagreements.
That’s something of a hard no for a lot of folks (and a sign of immaturity as well – but some never grow out of it).
NTA, you have common sense. She’s 22. Why the hell is she in such a rush? Her eggs aren’t going anywhere. have kids when you’re ready both mentally and financially. If she’s impatient and leaves, oh well. Don’t let her guilt you into making bad decisions. Seriously.
Also, like others have said beware of baby trap.
Oh man. #1: NTA.
#2…you need to be so careful to not get trapped.
I also had a rough childhood with parents who just “figured it out” and one of my requirements was financial stability and general life stability. We hadn’t bought a house yet but we could have and we had other reasons for not buying a house first.
Babies are not “romantic.” They are STRESSFUL and more responsibility than anyone can convey until they are parents themselves. They are also EXPENSIVE. It’s not like you have to be well off to have a child, but you need to be in a stable place in life before you go down that path. There’s a reason people have started waiting until they are in their late twenties and even mid-thirties to have babies, it’s so life is stable and then bring in a child! The figure it out thing is not a great methodology. Yes, parents do it all the time and have since the beginning of time.
Even with having the stability, having kids is a totally different ball game. The responsibility of being parents is a shock to the system, especially with the first baby. Your girlfriend seems like she thinks having a baby is lots of fun and cute. Babies are adorable and lots of fun but so much work too. At the end of the day, it will be you and your girlfriend responsible for the baby, not GF’s mom.
Get established in life, jobs, finances, etc…then plan for babies! There’s lot of time, you guys are super young.
Go over to the regretful parents sub and read awhile before you decide to be a parent. Be diligent about baby trapping and your birth control. Good luck. NTA
NFW, you are soooo young! And she’s not your wife – when you decide you love her enough to at least want to put on paper that you’ll ostensibly be in it with her forever, then throw a kid into the mix. Kids do a number on relationships.
NTA your children will thank you if you wait to set them up properly ☺️
NTA. I didn’t need to read your story once I saw your ages. You have the rest of your life to have kids…enjoy being young. See the world, establish your careers, go out for a nice dinner without having to worry about a babysitter.
NTA. So you didn’t marry her mother, she can mind her own damn business. This is between you and your GF.
I’ll be honest, I used to feel exactly the same way as you are now, and yes, it sounds great in theory, and if you can pull it off, all the better. But what it really comes down to is you two you need to be willing to compromise with her just as she needs to compromise with you. I’d suggest sitting down and having a discussion about it. Don’t give a vague “oh eventually” answer. Try to set a deadline, like in 2 years, unless we’re looking at homelessness, let’s do it then.
That being said, for me, life always found a way to keep me down just enough that I wouldn’t feel ready to have kids. Eventually, my wife got pregnant, and now I just wish I would have had him younger so I’d have more energy to give to him and make sure as he grows I can still play with him. Now that he’s in high school, I worry I won’t be able to keep up with him, and that makes me a little sad.
NTA.
And STICK TO YOUR GUNS even if it means losing the relationship.
If you don’t want kids then you don’t want kids. And them trying to pressure you into doing something you don’t want is a huge red flag.
break up, you are both nta
NTA. You have common sense. Your gf and her mother don’t. She’s also insisting on involving her mother in your partner decision to start a family- how immature and unprepared for life solo could she be? When to start a family is between you and her- she wants to do it by committee, does she want you to tag in your parents on why what she wants is financially irresponsible and she should respect your decision? Cause you can call mommy too. But you aren’t, because you’re more mature than she is. If you don’t want to be young broke kids with a baby (smart decision) then that is your right but given how irresponsible her mother is, you need to be very careful. Bad moms tend to push ‘baby trap’ plans and dumb daughters follow the advice to essentially assault you by intentionally getting pregnant when she knows that isn’t what you want. Cause “it’s fine, he won’t leave you, he’ll adapt”. So be careful.
Double up on the birth control–condom plus spermicide (test the condoms for holes, too), non-PIV sexual encounters. Don’t trust the pull-out method. Don’t trust if she claims she’s on birth control. If she’s constantly pushing for a baby, she’s apt to ‘oops’ you. This might be worth breaking up over. NTA.
NTA You both should be in agreement on this. And yes, you are both still very young. You have plenty of time ahead of you for having kids. The thing you need to ask her is whether or not this is a deal breaker, because if it is, there is no point in staying together. Just make sure you use condoms, so she doesn’t “accidentally” end up pregnant. And keep them hidden, just in case she or her mom decides to sabotage them!
NTA. No one should feel pressured into having kids when they’re not ready. You’re still so young, you should be doing things in your early twenties that will give you lower back pain and two day headaches when you’re in your thirties. As for your gf’s mother saying you’ll figure parenthood out, that’s terrible advice that probably explains why so many people are in therapy.
Get to know her cycle and be extra careful.
SHE HAS TOLD SHE WANTS A BABY.
she will get one you watch.
NTA
Your gf has baby fever and her mom is fueling the fire.
USE PROTECTION and keep your condoms in a safe place away from her access. “ACCIDENTAL” HOLES HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO HAPPEN.
Honestly, it sounds like there is an incompatibility issue and if you have to take steps to keep from being baby trapped, the relationship is not going to ever be happy.
You are too young with a lot of life to live before settling down to raise a child.
NTA.
Use condoms and maybe keep them secure so she can’t poke holes in them. Keep track of her menstrual cycle. You don’t need to tell her you are observing her cycle but there is a certain time of the month a pregnancy will catch. You can buy spermicide to use in addition to condoms. You can use the pull out method in addition to condoms if it’s during her ovulation time. Think about storing your sperm then getting fixed, that would give you total control
Account two days old. 1 post. Emotional ragebait. I say, report it: Spam, a.i.
NTA. You don’t feel ready for a child which is you being honest. It would just lead to resentment if you forced yourself to have a child at this stage in your life.
I will say this though. Do not wait for the perfect time to have a child. It doesn’t exist. There will always be a reason not to have a child. You will just have to accept at some point it’s something you both want.
Figuring it out means, you pay for everything and figure it out. NTA.
“We’ll figure it out” is a fast track to having a very difficult time of it.
The “we’ll figure it out” people are so incredibly selfish. A baby is not a toy. That baby will need care and education and may or may not be able to get a job when the time comes. Are you able to take on a whole person? Not yet? Then stop having sex with her because she will baby trap you.
NTA.
She probably wants a child as a fantasy to escape from work
If you dont want to have a kid now you might want to break up. Plenty of women out there not interested in kids.
She will get your seed if you’re not careful.
NTA
Sounds like a basic incompatibility. Be nice to each other until the lease is up and move on. Agree to stop discussing what will not happen right now. If she can accept that until the lease is up maybe she’ll change her mind. If she can’t, it’s on her to figure out how to break the lease and move on sooner
WTH is her mother involved? That’s a flashing neon sign, heed it
This is a big problem. She is not hearing you and is not thinking critically. I would be turned off someone wants to baby it up after only loving together for five months. Does she have no goals in life? Any passions? Being a parent isn’t just having a baby. It’s all the time and energy into raising a whole being to be an independent, functional member of specialty. How does she plan to do that without any plans, any money, any skills, and just her mothers vague and unhelpful advice? I would provide your own condoms and don’t leave them unsecured. NTA
NTAH. On a side note, make sure you are taking care of birth control so you don’t end up baby trapped when your gf decides to mess with it
NTA. What you could do is suggest that you have one full year of living together before discussing it again. All the holidays, all the maintenance, all the stress. Then maybe get a cat or a manageable dog.
Nta your girlfriend needs to learn to accept your decision, it’s your choice if you want to have a kid right now. I honestly think your being responsible thinking about the quality of life your child would have now compared to if you plan his life out before deciding on having him or her. Does your gf maybe just want a kid cause her friends are pregnant or trying? Maybe that’s why she’s pushing you. She wants to have hers and whoever else’s pregnant or planning to be, raise them together like bff’s
NTA. And why is her mother interfering in your intimate life? Having a child is something both partners should agree to. Her mother doesn’t get a vote.
Beware of GF sabotaging or “forgetting” Birth Control. If she wants a baby now, she might not take “not yet” for an answer, and baby-trap you. Always use your own protection, and keep it where GF (and her interfering mother) can’t get at it.
Have you asked if she wants to get married or even proposed yet? A kid is much bigger than those things
NTA
Putting aside the merits of your position, if she can’t have a reasonable conversation about what is probably the most serious decision you will make as a couple without having a tantrum and running to mommy, then she’s not mature enough to be in a relationship, let along become a parent.
DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH SOMEONE TO WHOM YOU ARE NOT MARRIED> The legalities are horrible.
Be sure you’re using contraceptives!! Don’t have sex with her until you guys get to an agreement !! Babies aren’t fruit you can just pick up at the store!
I’d get fixed without telling her in case she decides to try and trap you. You can always get it reversed when YOU are ready to have a kid.
We will figure it out, is what you say after a surprise pregnany, not before a planned pregnancy. I would worry about a surprise unless birth control is up to you.
You sound very wise & mature.
Your GF does not.
It’s called family planning for a reason. You should plan your family. That’s big things like when you want to have them, how many to have, whether or not you want to pursue ivf or adoption or surrogacy in the case of infertility, the possibility of disabilities or even , breast or formula, childcare plans, education plans, college savings, location you want to raise them, what faith to raise them in if any, names, so on and so forth, all the way down to the small things like whether to do a gender reveal or a baby shower or neither or both, how to decorate the nursery, disposable or cloth diapers, etc. Obviously it’s simply not possible to figure every detail out because man makes plans and god laughs, but “We’ll figure it out” is not a plan, it’s a recipe for disaster. Pregnancy is a stressful time, and it gets much harder to make decisions once it’s already happening, because a timer always makes everything more stressful.
You’re not TAH you have the right to know when you want to start a family. She should be understanding of this for what you went thru as a kid
If you never want kids and she wants kids, then you two are incompatible. Move out. Break up. On the other hand if you do want kids just not now or not with her, you still need to move out and break up. You can’t trust that she will get pg on purpose. If she is the one and only, then talk to her, put a ring on her finger and say no kids until after marriage. Your MIL should not be in this conversation. Tell your GF that for starters.
If the situation were reversed, like, if this was a woman talking about a man trying to start a family prematurely, I’d give the same advice:
Don’t. DO. THAT.
You’re NTA, this is bad behavior and reeks of reproductive coercion.
Run from this situation. You are on the verge of being trapped!
Her mother wants her 22 year old daughter to have a child now out of wedlock? Not normal. Don’t let anyone try and force you into fatherhood before you’re ready. Make sure you always use a condemn so there’s no “accidental” pregnancy. Personally I would be reconsidering this relationship.
NTA lol. Wanting to be financially stable, have a house, and enough time before bringing a kid into the world isn’t selfish. it’s responsible parenting. Your girlfriend and her mom are acting like babies are impulse purchases. You’re the only one thinking ahead. Keep your head up man
nta I hope you’re using condoms or something you have control over, so she doesn’t trap you.
NTA.
I went through this in my early 20s. My bf at the time (now husband) was on your same wavelength. Thankfully he was patient with me and was kind about it. Turns out it’s a biological push for (some) women to want kids then. Maybe she has the same thing?
Being parents is no joke. All your concerns about life with kids are very very realistic. It’s the equivalent of owning exotic pets now. Be kind and patient with her. In the meantime, do what my husband did, distract with international travel 😬good luck.
NTA
While I will caution that you will never have everything figured out and will need to think about situations on the fly, you can definitely be more prepared than you are now. I would actually argue you aren’t thinking enough about this decision.
Do you see yourself with your gf long term? If you split, does she seem like a good coparent? Did you want to be married or is being SOs enough?
Who would take care of baby when you two work? Would both of you be working, or do you think it likely gf would pull the “I want to be sham”? Can you both manage going to work after a sleepless night?
Do your finances cover unexpected situations?
Do you know enough about your medical history on both sides to want to do natural conceiving or IVF?
Is your MIL going to continue butting in on decisions about your kids (she already seems heavily involved in this decision and she isn’t the one who is supposed to be raising the child)? Are you sure your gf would set and keep boundaries the two of you place on her parents?
In the long run, early 20s is still very young, especially these days. A year and a half of dating isn’t a long time. You only moved in together 5 months ago, not a long time at all. You both have time to be young parents, if that is gf’s goal while still having your affairs more in order before having a kid.
Since your gf is pushing so hard, I advise you to be very careful with birth control.
Your body your choice , just watch out for her trying to do stuff like go off birth control or sabotage condoms. I’d keep a box in your stuff or just away from where she would be on a daily basis. Consider getting into therapy together.
NTA
But discuss life goals and life plans with her. Give her an approximate age for when you will be ready for a child, make a life plan together. It could or could not be a deal breaker for either of you, be honest about it.
Nta seems like her mom is whispering in her ear (Would these be her first grandchildren?).
I would suggest seeing if any family or close friends would like free babysitting. Do multiple sessions, especially with younger kids if possible. I say free babysitting because this will allow your girlfriend to see some of the costs associated with raising a child.
OP, stick to your guns. If you do not want children, then please wear a condom every single time you have sex. Don’t trust that she is on BC and using it correctly.
Kids are a huge responsibility. Also, not all pregnancies go smoothly and not all babies are born healthy. If your GF has a hard pregnancy and cant work, can you support the household? If she wants to be a SAHM, can you afford it?
It’s always good to plan and be ready for a change, especially a child but more than finances need to be considered. For instance what age do you want to be when your child is a teenager? Does your GF have any physical problems with conceiving? Many times women won’t know until they start trying. If there is problems wouldn’t it be better to face those as young as possible? It’s nice to have a financial cushion, but even with one unforeseen problems will always come along. The perfect time to have kids may never come along. Being there for your kids can happen even when your not financially well off. It can be tricky to find the balance I don’t blame you for being cautious and don’t take this comment as a just go for answer but instead just some food for thought.
NTA, expect to be baby trapped…
NTA – but, I will say this and this is coming from personal experience of waiting until my late 20s, nearly 30 to have my first child. Many couples have a hard time finding a good comfort level to have a child, ie. Good job, income, savings, what have you. While I agree you’re not the a-hole, I would say that having a plan is good, but many times gets derailed. So don’t focus completely on a set plan. I would focus on marriage first seeing as you’re worried about the possibility of splitting up or whatever. Enjoy your lives together, don’t let outside influence over y’all’s relationship (parents, friends, etc.). Also, since y’all are young, the key to a happy relationship is communication! Good communication leads to many great things, especially in the bedroom!
With all of that said, I’m pushing late 30s now and I still don’t feel like I have my life together. My family is well taken care of, private school, martial arts, family trips etc. Just remember it all costs time.
-just my 2 cents so don’t come ate with pitch forks y’all.
With respect to your MIL, that thinking is boomer mentality when people could believe everything would be fine. The world is on fire for the love of all that is holy, nobody should be bringing a child into the world before they are ready. The thing is, the child always has needs.. It never pauses even if you’re in a tight spot. It’s good to have as much of a cushion as possible before you have kids. What is her reason for not waiting? And how long do you want to wait? Is there a compromise? Or a goal? Maybe if you have a savings goal and you reach it that gives her something to look forward to. She may be hearing no when what you’re saying is not now. Also it’s a bad idea for her to start bringing her mom into your disagreements. And of course her mom will side with her, so that doesn’t even help her argument. I would guess your mom would likely side with you too.
NTA
Why is she in such a rush
Do not give in to her on this. You will resent her for not allowing the two of you to have a fun young adult life together before introducing a kid into the mix.
If she doesn’t agree, you need to split up because you clearly want different things at dramatically different times.
She went and told on you to her mommy. That’s all I needed to read to know that she’s a child still and should NOT have a baby until she grows up. You sound smart and your plan to figure out things first is the only way to go. Being fully prepared in advance is adulting! NTA
You’re being responsible. Your gf is being reckless. And if you have a kid, they’ll be the ones who feel it the most. NTA
NTA
Why would you have a baby with a woman you aren’t even married to? I’m so blown away by these people who want to commit to creating a whole, sentient human being and the 18-24 years it takes to turn them into independent, functional adults but they won’t commit to a marriage. Make it make sense. NTA and don’t let her know where you keep the condoms. And for the love of god do not trust her to be responsible for not getting pregnant.
Dude! Now YOU are 100% responsible for the birth control!!! Keep your condoms under lock and key! And immediately flush them down the toilet after the deed. When a woman is determined to have a child, she’ll sabotage the birth control or find another “donor” if she’s shady. Her mother is a moron, what kind of mom wants her daughter to get pregnant BEFORE she has a ring on her finger for protection?! Absolutely NTA
NTA.
Sit down with gf and go over how finances are going to be if you two had a baby on the way NOW. Babies are not cheap!
Who is taking parental time off? Is ma in law babysitting for free so mom and dad can keep working? Who is buying all the things baby will need? Not just the one time purchases, but the monthly/weekly purchases that baby will need.
If you want to minimize the chances of having a kid always wear a condom AND get a vasectomy. Vasectomies are reversible and greatly reduce the chances of having an oopsie baby.
Remember: the only proven 100% way to avoid having a child is abstinence.
She’s running to mommy? You guys shouldn’t be living together and she’s too young. Send her back to mommy.
NTA
You are being responsible. You aren’t married, don’t have a house and your life is JUST STARTING. Having a child, delays all of those things and also prevents you from fully enjoying your 20’s. It’s also extremely weird that her mother is pressuring you.
Do NOT have unprotected sex with this woman.
If you’re not all-in to dad from day one, to care for your pregger girl, and eventual crotch goblin,
Use protection every time.
NTA. You aren’t ready. Your reasons for not being ready are valid. You two are also not committed to each other. Children need two committed parents in their lives and a stable home. If you two don’t like each other enough to make a lifetime commitment to each other, there should be no children unless or until the level of commitment changes.
Since you’re having baby discussions and you’re concerned about finances, you should also discuss if she’s going to quit her job and be a SAHM. You said you both work long hours and wouldn’t have enough time with the child. That makes me think she plans to quit after the child is born. Are you ready to be the sole provider for 3 people?
NTA
Why do people think having a child is less commitment than marriage?? NTA
NTA – and If I were in your shoes I’d be afraid she may try to get pregnant. Once it’s done it’s done and you have zero say.
Honestly – in a situation like this neither is the AH but you two aren’t compatible at the moment.
One of you will end up bitter going forward.
NTA. You’re the only mature person in that triangle.
It’s extremely early for kids, both in your relationship and in your lives! You will never regret waiting for kids. Enjoy young people stuff while you’re young! I absolutely love being a parent, but I’m so much better as a parent having waited into my 30s than I would’ve been in my 20s. Not that you need to wait that long, but a few more years at least! NTA
NTA but you better watch out, OP. This situation has “baby trap” written allllllllll over it, with future MIL’s blessing.
Be prepared for your girlfriend to get upset if you start using condoms. Keep them to where she can’t vandalize them.
May The Force be with you.
NTA.
Not sure why she involved her mother into this, it’s between you and her. It seems like out of the three, your the most mature one. Keep thinking the way you are because unexpected things will definitely come up. The best thing to do is to prepare now why things are good and stable so you will stress less later.
I’m old enough to be your mom and I’m raising a 5 year old right now. Let me tell you, parenting is difficult and changes your life in ways no one can explain to you. If you aren’t ready or don’t want kids now, do not have them.
Having kids is also great in a way no one can explain to you. But if you are not ready, do not let ANYONE pressure you into it.
NTA. Having a child is a 2 yes, one no situation. You ate doing the right thing. DO NOT TRUST HER WITH BIRTH CONTROL!!! Always keep condoms where she can’t access them and sabotage them. My gut says she will go to any lengths to male this happen even if you say no.
Babies require two enthusiastic yesses. Are you sure you are compatible? Because this is a big deal that she keeps coming back. Maybe consider therapy to talk it through and come up with some better communication skills, because coming back to you repeatedly isn’t a good approach.
NTA. Also, you should not be sharing finances with someone you are not married to.
Please dont let her get pregnant. You will regret not waiting until you’re ready. I know a few women who got pregnant w/o considering their partners. Men end up resenting their partners & usually split up. I was 32 when i had a child & another at 35. Please dont be tricked by her. Tell the mother to mind her own business & stop talking to her about YOUR business. Good Luck!
I sincerely hope you aren’t sleeping with her because this just screams “baby trap”.
Tell your gf that it’s a no for now. Tell your gf that her mother has no business talking to you about this. Also tell your gf that she is crossing a boundary and lay off it or she is going to be without a boyfriend to have a baby with.
NTA, but keep in mind that if your gf want a child soon you can’t really expect here to accept vague answer about the future. You can try to figure out a real plan about what scale of house you both want , and you can expect to afford it, do you plan on getting married and when expect having kids. Also keep in mind bad stuff can always happen. Losing a job or splitting can also happen when you have bought an house.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
While I believe that this is a yes/no = no situation if you might never be ready for children let her know now. Don’t string her along forever.
Just be so careful that it doesn’t happen accidentally. She wants to baby trap you.
First of all keep her mother and everyone else out of it. This is your relationship not theirs and it is none of your business. Don’t hesitate to tell them so. It may well be that your girlfriend is being pressured by her mother.
Regardless I would go to counselling so that you can have a free and open discussion with a facilitator to thrash this out. Once she understands your perspective she may be willing to wait. Alternately it may be that the relationship needs to end. Either way you will know where you stand.
In the meantime be extra careful with contraception.
NTA.
Your body. Your choice. Goes for everyone. If you are not ready for a child, and not willing to compromise on the conditions you need to be ready, then that’s that. You may come off rigid, but certainly not an AH, if you have good reasons for why.
But, FWIW, you’ll never be comfortable and ready for a kid unless you magically hit the lotto, or you are REALLY good at NOT increasing your standard of living as you get raises and promotions.
Edit: 41M. Father of 5, the last two of which are biological. But I’ve known them all since birth, and knew the others’ dad before either of us met my now wife. The oldest is 20 next week. I’m still figuring things out. You CANNOT prepare for everything. And this is coming from a (highly likely – one of my biologicals acts just like me and is diagnosed) high functioning autistic in a STEM career.
NTA your reason are very smart. Her mom getting into this would absolutely piss me off and I would flat out tell her to stay out of the relationship. If he daughter wants to vent/talk that’s fine but her mom has no right to input herself with you. This needs to be addressed with your gf to shut it down or if she doesn’t then you need to in a direct way
NTA. But protect your birth control. She is going to get pregnant with or without your consent
Anyone else think she is already pregnant?
Don’t do it man you will regret it the rest of your life. Kids are great if you want them, and are ready. In fact I would end it. She will sabotage you and get pregnant bro.
NTA, having children is something that you both need to be 100% on before you start having them, sure it might work out and it might be a piece of cake but it also, and probably more likely, won’t be.
I always said that I want to have my own house before having children, I never wanted the risk of being put out for whatever reason and having children.
I was 34 when we had our first child, our second child is nearly one and I wouldn’t change it for the world but I knew what to expect going in. If I had kids when I was your age I’m sure I would have put in just as much effort as I do now but I was nowhere near as mature or self aware as I am now.
I hope you have ironclad birth control. And not just trusting her to take care of it. Because otherwise you’re in imminent danger of an “ooops”