So bare with me here cause there’s alot of info and figuring out what’s relevant is beyond me sometimes.
I(33f) and my husband(35m) just bought a house! We worked our butts off over the past 3ish years after a surprise pregnancy. We were financially ok but you all know the housing market. So since my youngest was born, we have had to have the baby in our room because we only had a 2 bedroom and our oldest, now 12, needed his own space. We made it work but we also did everything we could to get into a 3 bedroom as fast as possible.
Cut to now, we have our 3 bedroom. We made a huge huge deal out of it to our youngest… to the point big brother helped design and decorate with us. It was an entire family effort.
On to the drama cause I wouldn’t be here if there wasn’t right? My little sister, Mona(27f), just got out of a horribly abusive relationship and has been on my couch for 2 weeks. That’s not a problem for us, I just warned her that I 100% WOULD NOT make either of my boys give up their BRAND NEW rooms. Like for real, how much overtime and sacrifices we had to make to give them their own spaces???
Well, guess what happened? Mona sat my husband and I down and asked if she could stay in our youngest’s room because he just runs for our room in the middle of the night anyway. I told her no, that that was his room and I reminded her of my 1 condition. She argued that he’s a toddler, he doesnt need his own space. I snapped on her and told her it didnt matter if he needed his own space, I NEED MY OWN SPACE! I asked her how she would feel ALWAYS sharing her space with tiny eyes and it is MY HOUSE. This straight devolved in a yelling match where I told her if she didnt like it she could leave.
She is now not talking to me and I feel absolutely aweful for her but I worked hard to give my youngest that space. My husband thinks I took it a little too far and that I need to apologize because she’s going thru a hard time. AITA?
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So bare with me here cause there’s alot of info and figuring out what’s relevant is beyond me sometimes.
I(33f) and my husband(35m) just bought a house! We worked our butts off over the past 3ish years after a surprise pregnancy. We were financially ok but you all know the housing market. So since my youngest was born, we have had to have the baby in our room because we only had a 2 bedroom and our oldest, now 12, needed his own space. We made it work but we also did everything we could to get into a 3 bedroom as fast as possible.
Cut to now, we have our 3 bedroom. We made a huge huge deal out of it to our youngest… to the point big brother helped design and decorate with us. It was an entire family effort.
On to the drama cause I wouldn’t be here if there wasn’t right? My little sister, Mona(27f), just got out of a horribly abusive relationship and has been on my couch for 2 weeks. That’s not a problem for us, I just warned her that I 100% WOULD NOT make either of my boys give up their BRAND NEW rooms. Like for real, how much overtime and sacrifices we had to make to give them their own spaces???
Well, guess what happened? Mona sat my husband and I down and asked if she could stay in our youngest’s room because he just runs for our room in the middle of the night anyway. I told her no, that that was his room and I reminded her of my 1 condition. She argued that he’s a toddler, he doesnt need his own space. I snapped on her and told her it didnt matter if he needed his own space, I NEED MY OWN SPACE! I asked her how she would feel ALWAYS sharing her space with tiny eyes and it is MY HOUSE. This straight devolved in a yelling match where I told her if she didnt like it she could leave.
She is now not talking to me and I feel absolutely aweful for her but I worked hard to give my youngest that space. My husband thinks I took it a little too far and that I need to apologize because she’s going thru a hard time. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> For not giving my sister my toddlers room even tho he doesnt sleep all night in it yet. Shes going thru a really hard time so i may be the ah for not having more empathy
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, Do you have a basement (doesn’t need to be finished), offer that to her if she wants a private space to sleep.
Nta
You have already offered her a safe, free place to stay.
NTA- So she’s not talking to you but is she still in your house? Because she shouldn’t be
NTA. You were gracious and let her stay in your home, but most importantly, you set ground rules from the start, which she agreed to when accepting the roof and place to sleep.
She should be praising you, not asking for more.
NTA. She came in knowing your one boundary and then immediately tried to bulldoze it. Doesn’t matter if your kid wanders at night, that’s still his room and you busted your ass to make it happen. Couch is fine for a guest
NTA. Is she looking for a place of her own?
NTA. but i do have to ask do you have a game plan on her getting out? Because if shes already trying to undermine your condition for staying to secure a room. She will never leave.
While its great that you opened your home to let her stay and get out of a bad situation. But she will drain you more than your 2 kids already do.
*coming from someone that let their friend stay agreed on 6 months to get on their feet. Turned into 4 yrs and I lost my privacy and mind in my own home.
NTA. If she needs her own space, she can work for it.
NTA.
You sister is in a tough spot. Her feeling are understandable. I have a lot of sympathy for her. But I live in a 3 bedroom house with 2 kids, and if my Sister or SiL had to couch surf with us for a while I’d have the same requirement, and answer.
“You can stay on my couch as long as you need to pick your life back up. I’m here for that. I’m here for you. But there are limits. My kids keep their bedrooms.”
NTA, if she gets that room, she will never leave. Sure, she had a bad time of it, but she needs to pick herself up and start moving on. She can survive a couple more weeks on the couch, but then she needs to figure out where to go. Can your parents take her in?
It’s unfortunate, but if you give her your child’s room you can expect to have her living with you a long time. You really don’t want someone crashing with you temporarily to get too comfortable if you want them to leave in a timely manner.
You can apologize for yelling if you like, but only for that and I am not even sure that is necessary, because if she had graciously accepted your no, there wouldn’t have ended up being any yelling. Also, I suspect that if you apologize at all she is going to be back after you about getting the toddler’s room, and that might end up with yelling again.
NTA – she should connect to local DV orgs In your area may be able to help her get back on her feet
nta you’re already doing her a favor
Sounds like she needs to be looking for her own space or maybe Mom and Dad have a room for her
You are KTA.Not for saying no,you’re right that it’s your house and your toddler deserves his roombut for how you handled it. Yelling at someone who just left an abusive relationship probably felt like another door slamming in her face. You can keep your boundary while still being compassionate in tone.
NTA. By all means, apologise for the delivery style, but not the message
NTA but could she share the room with the toddler? Cause I bet if she did they wouldn’t go to your room in the middle of the night anymore because they would just cuddle with aunty so win win win.
NTA. Ur kid, ur rules. Sis sounds entitled af. Make no mistake, boundaries gotta be set straight earliest poss
NTA. You laid out your boundary before she even moved in: your kids weren’t giving up their rooms. That wasn’t negotiable. She agreed to stay under those terms then tried to push them anyway.
Yes, she’s in a rough spot, but that doesn’t mean she gets to dictate how you use your own house, especially after you busted your ass to give your kids their own rooms. Your toddler’s room is more than just “a place to sleep”, it’s stability, routine, and the sense of belonging you worked hard to create.
You were firm, maybe a little sharp in delivery, but the boundary itself is 100% fair. If she needs her own room, she can look into shelters, friends, or short-term housing. Helping doesn’t mean sacrificing your children’s security or your own sanity.
Maybe her being on the couch will light a fire under her to get on her feet fast. She doesn’t need to get to comfortable in your house
NAH – your partner, who was there, is telling you that your response took it too far and you should apologize. So you should do that. Apologizing doesn’t mean you have to give her the room. I said NAH for her because she has had her whole life uprooted and is under stress. Lots of people here are saying she’s a brat and should go to a shelter, because that’s what Reddit does. I just remember when I was in a shared room situation and all I wanted to do was go to my own space and work through my emotions and it wasn’t possible. Again, not saying you have to give up the room – I just understand the feeling of not having any place to decompress.
NTA
I get it she’s in a tough spot as a DV survivor myself I get times are hard but she should be grateful she had/has somewhere safe to go whether it’s a couch or even somebody’s recliner. But another thing is nobody is going to coddle her for too long. Your sister has full access to the house with the only ONE exception and there’s a problem? No ma’am she can either get her own place or suck it up.
NTA
she’s testing to waters to permanently move in
NTA, you already gave your sister your couch. She is not entitled your child’s space.
You both TA- better way to handle it for someone who just left an abusive relationship though.
She’s looking for help, you’re doing what you can. Not sure why they can’t share for a bit but that’s for y’all to discuss. My aunt crashed w me when she needed a place and my mom let her in, was like an older sibling to me.
NTA. Tell your sister that you agreed to this temporary arrangement on the condition that she slept on your couch, and didn’t try to get you to give her your child’s bedroom. She went back on that promise and not only asked for exactly that, but yelled at you and insulted you when you declined. Now she’s made your own home a hostile environment for you and your boys. This temporary arrangement is at an end. She needs to move out in 30 days. She needs to go to her local benefits office now to look into housing and any benefits or aid for which she qualified.