My gf and I (30M/29F) have been together about 2 years and she’s always said she is “close” with her family. But with how much they’re together, it feels like more than close.
For context, gf’s mom is divorced and lives alone about 10-15 minutes from us. Her nights are basically watching hallmark movies and drinking wine. Gf moved out of her mom’s place about 9 months ago and we moved in together, so now it’s not so easy to see each other every day.
Gf has been unemployed for about 2 months and has only heard back about 2 positions (both of which are at the company her mom works for and her mom pushed the hiring managers to interview her and get her a job, still hasn’t gotten one).
I travel for work and any time I’m gone, she’s with them every single day plus more when I am home. I was gone for a straight month and she spent a grand total of 2 days without spending all day with her mom and sister. In that time, she pushed off multiple nightly phone calls because her mom randomly wanted to go to dinner and drink a bottle of wine.
Now, I’m traveling again (only for a week) and she’s spent the first half of the week with her mom every day because her mom is leaving for two nights for work. The second half of the week has been 10+ hours every day with her sister going shopping, getting food, watching movies and tiktok for hours.
Today, she dropped her car off at the shop for some work and hung out with her sister all day. Dog’s been in the kennel for 7 hours, they’re wasting time doing nothing, and gf’s car gets finished. On the way there, she says that her little cousin was excited to go see our dog then threw a tantrum when she was told they were just picking her car up.
It’s night time for me now (a few hours ahead) and was expecting a night time call, but now gf “HAS to take the dog to her sister’s” for a doggy play date.
I’m frustrated and fed up because I work my tail off to pay all the bills, she’s been lounging for a week, pushes off our calls for family AGAIN, and complains about needing more sleep and being tired. I’m on the fence about this even being worth the effort. How do I decide if this is going to come back and bite me long term or if it’s actually worth navigating?
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I don’t think this is really an issue of how much time she spends with her family, but what she’s neglecting to do that. Flaking on your calls and neglecting the dog would be the big issues to me, and that’s what I would confront her about.
To me it sounds like shes not ready to be in a committed relationship with a partner.
Have you even brought your issue up with her about this?
Because if you haven’t, you start there with any relationship problem. And depending on her response / follow up, is how you determine if its worth sticking around or not.
When you’re gone and she spends every day with them, I don’t see that as anything to take issue with. You’re not around, so she’s going to do something else. That’s not a crime.
However, that doesn’t mean your planned phone calls should be deflected and ignored. If you two had an agreement for a call, that should be upheld.
And you should also voice your concerns of where this will lead in marriage. Obviously we’re not saying to cut them out, but toning things down a bit, creating balance, having a level of privacy in your marriage is important. Because if your house will always be filled with her family coming over, that’s going to turn into resentment.
Nothing about your post suggests you talked to her yet, how she reacted, if she agrees or stands her ground, what actions she took as a follow up… Just complaining about the situation and not confronting it.
Her spending time with her Mom and sister when you’re not there is fine. What’s not fine is leaving the dog in the kennel for 7 hours! Why can’t the dog be free in the house? The other issue is ignoring your calls. As far as the dentist, she was babysitting her cousin FFS! That’s not even an issue. So what they sat with her sister.
I wouldn’t call it quits without couples counseling. This is bordering enmeshment, which counseling can help with.
Since your paying everything all the bills etc maybe she is not that worried about getting a job. If she is not actively looking for work you might have yourself a freeloader which would be more concerning. Are you giving her spending money to? Why is she so tired? Who is doing all the house hold chores?
She is using you. She isn’t working and isn’t trying to and you are paying for everything. What does she contribute to your relationship and your home? Is it spotless, is dinner cooked, laundry done? We already know she can’t take care of a dog so god for bid she get pregnant because she can’t take on her responsibilities. So again what does she bring to this relationship other than using you.
The dog situation alone is such a dealbreaker. Absolutely not.
I think your issue is her avoiding adulting to hang with her family. If she had a job, took care of the dog, and took your calls while out of town and then hung out with her family I’m sure you wouldn’t be as pressed. Sounds like she was spoiled as a child and taken care of by her mom a lot. Like outside of the normal parenting. I hope she gets a job soon I can’t imagine paying all the bills for someone who isn’t my spouse.
She could be using that time to find a JOB! Good grief.
I spend a lot of time with my family (mom, dad, brother), but I have a husband and a step son and I devote my time to them first. I also work full time and pay a fair amount of the bills… my hang up would not be the time she spends with family while you’re away, but WOULD be that she is not using that time wisely to actively look for employment, take care of the dog, and take care of the house (if she’s not cleaning up/cooking). She has nothing but time right now and she is not being sensible with it.
She is almost 30… that is childlike behavior. You may want to contemplate on how this relationship will look in the near future. Im sorry you’re going through this.
Maybe communicate with your gf instead of posting on Reddit…?
I’m afraid that after reading your replies to others, the answer is obvious. She does seem very enmeshed
I did have to go back & ensure I’d read her age correctly due to the lack of job effort !
You’ve got a leech attached & no one is compatible with that, so you need to send her home & find yourself a self respecting, dog adoring, working & contributing partner.
Immaturity and co-dependency in a nutshell.
She is ignoring her obligations (taking care of the dog) to hang around with her family. How sad for the pup who is stuck in a kennel all day. Shame on her.she seems very immature and not ready for an adult relationship.