Hi everyone. I’m using the burner here just in case, but my bf (25M) of four years treats me (24F) like trash after sex… but then it goes on for literal days until we get into a fight over something.
I’ve always noticed it, but recently, it’s been actually irritating me. 2 nights ago, we had sex, everything was relatively fine. Afterwards, we hop in the shower (UTI repellant) and we’re just talking, but he makes it a point to call me annoying or something similar and then laugh it off like it’s a joke. It hurts my feelings every time. He does this fairly regularly but only feels compelled to say that kinda stuff after sex. Fast forward to the past few days. We’ve how been in several small fights the past few days, and the one this evening actually just made me stop talking to him tonight.
I was hanging out in the office with him, minding my own business and not even talking, but he got up and walked away. I found him just laying in bed at 7pm. So, I came into the bedroom once I was done with what I was working on in the office, and he was basically silent. No TV, no nothing. Just playing on his phone, so I tried to talk to him and we conversed briefly, but then he just got up and walked away mid conversation. I went with him, but he went back into the office to play video games with his friends. I’m assuming he just didn’t want to be in the office – or the bedroom – while I was also in there minding my business. As he was going into the office, I was trying to talk about something – a Facebook argument I got in – and he kept interrupting me and/or correcting every statement I made as he walked back to the room and sat down. It became an argument somehow and I was just trying to explain my perspective. I told him to please let me speak, but he continued to purposefully interrupt me and I just walked away while he was mid-sentence interrupting me. I told him that I’m done talking to him since he doesn’t want to hear what I have to say, but instead, wants to interrupt me every time I speak. I got a shower on my own tonight and I’m laying in bed, but he’s still playing video games.
For context, we regularly argue about this kinda stuff. He always (and I mean ALWAYS) thinks he is correct, even if he is wrong, and talking about MY career field (which he knows nothing about because he is in an entirely different field of work). I think he genuinely just likes to argue with me but it is infuriating and makes me feel stupid. He is generally rude to everyone, though, and doesn’t understand how to phrase things without being ignorant – or he just chooses to be rude, idk. It’s been a problem since we started dating. He’s gotten a lot better over the years, but idk what bolsters him after sex. We talk about this probably once a month because the same issues keep happening with him treating me like I’m dumb or correcting everything I say. I try my best to be supportive or understand context, but sometimes, he’s just… insufferable. I guarantee we end up actually fighting either tonight or later this week.
Does anyone else know what this issue is? Has anyone else been in this spot? I’m exhausted of this after this long.
EDIT TO ADD: Guys, please don’t drag me for staying. I understand that it seems idiotic, but I didn’t know that. It’s already rough and I didn’t know this wasn’t something anyone dealt with, honestly. He is an engineer, and I’m an unemployed grad student at the moment. My options are slim. I do still love him, despite the selfish and rude behavior. I have given him an ultimatum prior (years ago) that he needed to go to therapy or I would leave, but he stopped seeing a therapist 4-5 months ago. It was good while he seen the therapist for a year or so, but here we are again. I don’t have a job right now and even if I wanted to, I literally can’t leave right now. I do see a therapist currently every week, and we have discussed this, but I wanted opinions from people who had been in similar situations. I’m sorry if I seem stupid, I was just trying to get perspectives :/
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Why are you with someone who you are constantly fighting with?!
I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and I can count on my hand the number of fights we’ve been in. I was exhausted just reading about how much you fight. Break up with him and find your PEACE!!
I don’t understand why these posts are a thing like dump his ass girl
Please consider that there are a lot of other partners out there who might treat you much better. Just because you’ve been in a relationship for four years does not mean your life is over? Don’t be that person who is writing this same post 8 years from now. Break up, find yourself, demand more.
Get self respect for yourself and then others will. That means leaving when you are treated poorly. You’re allowing this to happen. Stop. Go. Be strong
> He is generally rude to everyone, though, and doesn’t understand how to phrase things without being ignorant – or he just chooses to be rude, idk. It’s been a problem since we started dating.
So he’s an asshole, he’s always been an asshole and you chose to date him anyway.
> Does anyone else know what this issue is?
His issue is that he’s an asshole who enjoys being an asshole and didn’t have to change a thing about himself to get you as a girlfriend.
What are you going to do with this information?
>Does anyone else know what this issue is?
How he treats you when he doesn’t want anything from you is how he really feels about you. If he is only nice to you for sex then he just likes sex, not you.
If he is mean to you most of the time he probably hates you, but keeps you around because he likes how you make his pee pee feel.
The issue is he is a twat.
He doesn’t care about you. He only wants sex. He makes no effort after sex because it’s all he wants from you. I’m sorry. I know that hurts, but it’s true. Men who care about you don’t just act as if you don’t exist after they’ve ejaculated; they still care about you and still are capable of showing it.
He is not healthy for you. You are worthy of respect, and your inference is correct: he needs therapy. But you cannot fix what insists on remaining broken … and he is actively breaking you. You have tried, suggested the right things. Now, go. Make a new life for yourself.
Does he only treat you like trash after sex? Or other times also?
Don’t put up with anyone treating you like this
This is not a healthy relationship. He shows you zero respect and you accept it. I wouldn’t let anyone speak to me like that let alone someone I let into my bed. He should be cherishing you or saying nice things after sex, there is something wrong with him. You need to leave or seek couples counceling its only going to get worse. You’ve already shown him he can get away with this behavior. You need to put your foot down or leave or both. This is not normal behavior. You should seek counceling on your own and help with self worth and self esteem. Their are men out there who treat women with respect and love. You deserve that just like anyone else. Now that you have been in this relationship you can recognize the signs and be more cautious when dating in the future read “why does he do that?” By lundy bancroft! You are young and can still have the relationship you want. Don’t settle for people who make you feel bad about yourself. You can choose the people in your life let those who treat you badly go.
How about not having sex with him? Tell him you’re done being treated like crap afterwards and just plain don’t do it until you see a change. The problem is, you gave him an ultimatum and then didn’t hold to it. He saw a therapist but then left. You should have left with the therapist. It’s up to you to hold your boundaries and stick to them. If you won’t, then there’s nothing anyone can say here that will change anything. The move is on you.
Im confused.
As a man, if a woman treated me like trash after sex I wouldn’t meet up with them again. Let alone be in a relationship.
You need to get into therapy and find out why you allowed this trash to stay in your life.
I feel bad for you, but you said you’re unemployed. Do you have any money coming in? Who’s paying for the therapist? I am not trying to sound mean, but maybe he’s getting tired of supporting you. But It’s still no reason to be mean to you, though, maybe rethink your relationship. Good luck to you
And why are you with him when there’s literally billions of men on this planet who can treat you so much better?! If someone treats you like trash you leave and don’t talk to them again. You don’t need to put up with that, there’s literally no reason to!
Sounds like a lustful relationship, not love. After he gets his rocks off he probably feels you’ve fulfilled the purpose he’s assigned you in his head.
Dump this guy, I don’t see how this goes well…
Yes, I know, I’ve seen this before… you’re dating a complete a$$hole. Treatment is very simple- find a new place to live… pack your stuff… tell him it’s over because he’s a complete a$$hole, and you’re leaving… open front door… leave. Symptoms will subside shortly thereafter, and you’ll be back to normal in no time. 👍🏽
Your edit is absolutely insane. Just absolutely freaking crazy.
This is a bit more normal than i think most people notice. Everyone here will tell you to dump him, but as someone who has done work with communicating, going to therapy, bettering myself I can tell you there are probably reasons he doesn’t even know. Relationships are work, an unpopular opinion you’ll find on subreddit and especially on this sub. You should stay away from asking for advice on sites like these as a lot of people that regurgitate that “this happened to me” might feel the same but really they have their own subjective experience and made their own choices. If you REALLY want to try and salvage a relationship with him, be firm but loving and ask if he’s willing to work on it. It needs to be a serious and honest conversation. His answer will probably guide your final decision, but there’s a lot of people out there with a lot of flaws and you never know who youre going to get.
You deserve better!
This reminds me so much of the relationship I was in from 24 to 28. It was awful! I literally had/have PTSD from it and we’ve been broken up for 6+ years. I’m married to someone else now and I still have stress responses and flashbacks. Your BF is psychologically torturing you. He doesn’t like you. We accept the love we think we deserve. Why are you accepting this? You. Deserve. Better. You know how I felt when my ex finally broke up with me? Relieved. I left town and never looked back. It was the nicest thing he’d ever done for me.
He likes to argue. He likes to feel superior. He’s a rude and arrogant guy in general, but especially to you. You’re close to him. You’re an easy target.
After 4 years of this, he’s not going to change. He doesn’t have to. It’s obviously him that he can treat you this way and still have a relationship with you. As Long as you’re there, he has no real motive to change. In fact, I would expect the issue to get worse.
Ah yes, I’ve seen this before!
looks at notes
From an academic perspective, your partner is presenting classic symptoms of Terminal Rudeness with Comorbid Mansplaining.
Diagnostic criteria include interrupting experts in their own field to deliver inaccurate information, chronic incivility, and an inability to self-reflect. Current literature lists the prognosis as being “unlikely to wake up polite” and suggests the only effective intervention is removal of the stressor (i.e., him).
In cases where this is not an option, symptom management strategies are advised, such as wearing earplugs, or responding to everything he says with: ‘aww, you’re so cute when you try to help.’
how are you still together with this guy? because from your post, I see not a single redeeming feature. I don’t get it, why stay for so long when you sound so miserable with him
Why can’t you literally leave ? You staying is irresponsible.
I am once again begging women to have some self-respect and to not waste their one precious life dating men who don’t respect them.
“My options are slim!” IRRELEVANT. Learn to love yourself and to be confident alone, instead of clinging desperately to total dirtbags who treat you like garbage.
Sounds like a narcissistic asshole honestly
Why do grown adults feel the need to put up with another grown adults childish behavior? Life is too short.
He treats you like trash, talks down to you, makes you feel bad, doesn’t listen to you, talks over you… yikes. Pickings may be slim, but there are people out there who won’t treat you like trash or make you feel like less of a person because you have sex with them.
You have your benchmark in the basement. Throw the whole dude out.
So he’s only nice to you when he’s leading up to wanting to have sex.. then once he’s gotten what he wanted he goes back to treating you how he really feels, which definitely has an air of hatred to it.
He sounds like a narcissist. He thinks he’s smarter than everyone and you are below him. He manipulates you to get what he wants then goes back to messing with you.
I saw your edit so I’m glad you’re taking in that this isn’t normal and you shouldn’t stand for it. Disagreeing with each other is a part of any relationship. However the way you handle conflict dictates whether behavior is toxic or not. I think it’s time to really plan your exit with your therapist.
Oh and by the way- stop apologizing for coming off stupid. I can tell he’s really had an effect on your self esteem but deep down I hope you know that you aren’t. This is an issue with him, not you.
He sounds like an all around asshole. That’s what it’s called where I come from.