So I (29F) am getting married next fall. I’m super excited! And planning has been stressful, but fun. I LOVE hosting and party planning, so having a huge, well planned wedding means a lot to me.
The issue is my sister (31F). For as long as I can remember, she’s had a really awful habit of hijacking big events.
For example, at my college graduation, she announced her engagement during the dinner (she dated the guy for two months and they broke up a week after my graduation). At my fiancé’s birthday last year, she revealed she was pregnant (she later miscarried, which was awful, but the timing of the announcement was still really inappropriate). The final straw was at my parents’ anniversary party, when she got really, really drunk and started laughing at my parents speech when the speech was clearly not at a laughing part. (her apology was half assed at best and definitely in that “popular girl” “opps sorry” way, if that makes sense).
This is part of the problem, a lot of what she does is hard to explain. It’s all in the mannerisms and tone but I know what she’s doing. I feel it in my soul.
I love her, but it’s become a pattern: every milestone turns into her stage.
When it came to my wedding, I just couldn’t handle the idea of something I’ve waited for my whole life for being overshadowed. Especially since hosing and party planning means so much to me. My fiancé agrees. After a lot of guilt and back-and-forth, I decided not to invite her. I told her privately, and she lost it. She called me selfish, said I was tearing the family apart, and that she’d “never forgive me.” Here’s the thing; I know she won’t. But I don’t know if I care. My parents are furious at me and say I’m being “vindictive” and “childish” but again, I don’t know if I care.
I feel awful, but I also feel relieved? Like this is the only way to protect the day. A part of me knows I am being an asshole, but am I being too big of an asshole? Please give your opinions! I need to know if I’m being ridiculous.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
So I (29F) am getting married next fall. I’m super excited! And planning has been stressful, but fun. I LOVE hosting and party planning, so having a huge, well planned wedding means a lot to me.
The issue is my sister (31F). For as long as I can remember, she’s had a really awful habit of hijacking big events.
For example, at my college graduation, she announced her engagement during the dinner (she dated the guy for two months and they broke up a week after my graduation). At my fiancé’s birthday last year, she revealed she was pregnant (she later miscarried, which was awful, but the timing of the announcement was still really inappropriate). The final straw was at my parents’ anniversary party, when she got really, really drunk and started laughing at my parents speech when the speech was clearly not at a laughing part. (her apology was half assed at best and definitely in that “popular girl” “opps sorry” way, if that makes sense).
This is part of the problem, a lot of what she does is hard to explain. It’s all in the mannerisms and tone but I know what she’s doing. I feel it in my soul.
I love her, but it’s become a pattern: every milestone turns into her stage.
When it came to my wedding, I just couldn’t handle the idea of something I’ve waited for my whole life for being overshadowed. Especially since hosing and party planning means so much to me. My fiancé agrees. After a lot of guilt and back-and-forth, I decided not to invite her. I told her privately, and she lost it. She called me selfish, said I was tearing the family apart, and that she’d “never forgive me.” Here’s the thing; I know she won’t. But I don’t know if I care. My parents are furious at me and say I’m being “vindictive” and “childish” but again, I don’t know if I care.
I feel awful, but I also feel relieved? Like this is the only way to protect the day. A part of me knows I am being an asshole, but am I being too big of an asshole? Please give your opinions! I need to know if I’m being ridiculous.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
NTA you told her why.
You know your family and you are allowed your boundaries. She has always shown she will trample any boundary with no thought to the damage. If you stick to her not going, and I think you should, you’ll always be an asshole to her. Even if you invite her now she will use the occasion to talk about how you initially banned her and still make the day about her. Stick to keeping her uninvited.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t invite my sister to my wedding and I could be over exaggerating
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You know her better than most. She’s proven repeatedly that she must be the centre of attention.
I have one of those too. We are LC now. I put up with it for too long.
NTA! She has a documented history of making every ‘big event’ about her, regardless of the reason for said event. Your parents can be mad all they want. It’s not THEIR wedding. If they want to call you names, just remind them of all those times Sis decided to make everything about herself at the last three gatherings. Then keep your boundary in place!
It sounds like you know the answer. You can’t ignore the feeling of relief that you will never have to deal with her again.
NTA and embrace the freedom!
NTA. But I would point out to my parents that this is a direct result of their failure to shut her down when she does these attention grabs. So if they want to be upset, they should focus their anger inwards. If she always does this and always gets away with it, then it isn’t just her behavior that is the problem.
My guess is you blindsided her with this. (I am not saying that is your problem/fault – just what I expect her reaction was.). And you may be right, she may never forgive you. That may be fine with you. She sounds exhausting.
On the chance you aren’t fine with that, I am curious, have your parents sat her down, told her that her behavior was unacceptable and would not be tolerated going forward? Have they followed through on this? Has she ever suffered any consequences when she behaves like this? At her age she should understand how inappropriately she behaves. But if bad behavior is always tolerated, people seem to assume it is OK to act like that.
If you just say “you aren’t invited because you always behave badly”and this is the first time she is hearing how her behavior is a problem, then you can’t expect her to learn from this. And I don’t think it is your job to address it. But you may want to talk to your parents about their role in this. There may be a way to resolve it without banning her entirely.
Hmm need a bit more info. Have you ever had a mature conversation about her behavior and how it makes you feel?
Security. Security. Security. Can you tell I think you should hire security to make sure she does not sneak in to the ceremony or reception?
NTA. Seconding the security and adding a reminder to reach out to your vendors, venue, dress shop, etc. to set up passwords. Your sister or parents may try to cancel or make changes to screw things up. Good luck!
Question:
Would it still have a detrimental affect on your enjoyment of the day, even if she hypothetically attended, and was on best behaviour throughout?
NTA – You know your sister’s pattern of behaviour and you’ve make your mind up. Your wedding is you and your soon-to-be-husband’s day and you are free to invite whoever you want.
However, you WILL need security at your wedding as I have seen incidents where people who have purposefully been told they’re not invited to a wedding show up and try to gate crash. Given what you say about your sister, I wouldn’t put it past her. You’ll need people at the entrance to your venue(s) who will be able to turn her away.
Also, if your parents are furious, be prepared for them to threaten to not come until you allow your sister to attend. Of course, I don’t know if your parents would go that far, but it’s worth thinking about. It may be an empty threat, it may not be. Depending on your relationship with them and how much you don’t want your sister to be there, you might have to tell them something like “It’s evident that my sister means more to you than me and my happiness on my wedding day. If you cannot respect my decision and are adamant that you will not attend without sister being present, then I’m very sorry that you aren’t coming. You will be missed”
The best of luck to you and I hope your wedding day goes smoothly!