Hello everyone,
I’ve been having a hard time dealing with my girlfriend’s daughters (5 and 7) over the last couple months. The girls have some serious issues with regulating their emotions and they constantly demand that all attention be on them, just to fight about which of them gets it first or the most. They’ll explode into tears over the most minor of inconveniences, and they’re so clingy that it’s causing me a sort of anxiety that I haven’t really felt before. They have a hard time even allowing their mom/my GF to leave the room without exhibiting anxious crying. It’s feeling suffocating to me. Every night at bed time, They’ll fight the reality and they’re constantly getting out of bed and asking for this or that. It’s been that way for too long and getting a full night’s sleep is a rare occurrence. I initially thought it was due to their dad’s behavior and splitting on them and occasionally making some big spectacle on the odd occasion he reaches out. But, things have since stabilized and the behavior has gotten worse.
I have 3 sons (4, 7 and 8) who are honestly incredibly respectful and well natured. They’ll grumble about cleaning up, but they’ll do it. My oldest has had some anger issues, but with counseling and getting him outside his comfort zone, he has learned to manage those big feelings. They have no issue helping out, they go to bed willingly and without getting up, unless it’s to go to the bathroom and they don’t make it a point to let anyone know.
My boys go to their mom’s every other week, but the girls are here all the time. I feel like my time with my boys is being gobbled up by these girls and it’s honestly making it hard for me to want to spend time with the girls anymore. I feel as though I am becoming resentful.
My GF and I have been together just about 2 years now, we’ve been living together for about 6 months. I love her very much and I’m trying hard to learn how to deal with this and to help things to get better, but I am running out of steam and patience. My boys love her and they’ve started to call her Mama insert name.
I’ve tried to talk to my GF about getting the girls some counseling, and while she agrees that it would help, there is no follow through. I have experience in regard to kid’s behaviors and I’e tried to educate myself as much as one can.
I’m just at a loss here and am starting to doubt my relationship and if this is actually a healthy environment for my boys and I.
Anyone have any insight?
Thank you in advance, I know this post is on the rambling side. I’m just so frustrated.
Comments
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It sounds like you care deeply for your girlfriend and both sets of kids, but you’re also recognizing your limits. Wanting a healthy environment for your boys and yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. If counseling isn’t happening, it may be worth setting firmer boundaries with your girlfriend about what needs to change for the relationship to work long term.
Don’t sacrifice your kids’ childhood for your GF and her kids. Your kids will never forget it.
Those girls sound miserable and scared. There world got ripped apart and they’re supposed to pretend it didn’t. Mom is doing them a terrible disservice by not getting them help. That’s what is needed. Yesterday. You moving out will reinforce their behavior and it’s not their fault. Mom saying everything is going to be okay when dad bailed and other kids are calling her mom, must be awful when nobody is telling them that it’s not. Because for them, it’s not. Not good enough for dad to stay. Everyone keeps living life while telling them to do the same when they’re screaming for help. Mom has to get them help or you leave permanently for your kids. But. That’s going to be a blow to your kids. I’m so sorry. She must get them help.
Hi,
Try to look at it like this: kids do well if they can
When behavioral problems come about its important to teach them how to communicate. When I read that they blow up at the slightest problem, it tells me that the problem isn’t what they are upset about, theres something else. usually children have complex feelings but lack the skills to communicate them. as adults, its on us to help them do that, unsure if you came across this in your research but look into zones of regulation. Its a good tool to help your child identify emotions. The basic breakdown of this research is that when in different emotional states, our IQ can drop drastically, for a child even moreso. This can help you⁰ help them identify where they feel the emotions coming from, usually if anger or frustration reside in the stomach this is exacerbated by hunger. If its in the limbs, it could be built up energy. This can help you effectively mitigate some high emotions by knowing what to do before hand get a snack at 6pm before Susie is told to clean her room she might be less reactive. Showing them this trick can be helpful too and might help them get along if they know they can relieve dysregulation by taking care of their needs. Allow 90 seconds for each one to cool off, then separately, ask them questions (avoid “why?” Questions) instead ask them what happened, then follow with, and then what happened? And keep going, this does 2 things:
Its very normal for parents to feel at the end of rope after all theres so much to deal with on a daily basis that even you probably arent able to use all your brains real estate to dive deeply in, if you don’t find youre in a place to do this you can always try finding a skills trainer (or behavioral support in some areas) who can help teach this to the kids for you and its different from therapy or counseling, youre doing the best you can try to always remember that and so are they, gotta figure out what’s in the way. 🙂
EDIT: I forgot to add its incredibly important to role model this for them and role model the communication techniques and styles that work for your house, more than anything, kids learn by example and they often notice far more than we actually give then credit for.
Is it possible for you take a little more control of the counselling?
Such as, find a decent counsellor & tell your GF you’d like to make a booking.
It seems like your GF is (at best) unwilling to do much or (at worst) enabling her childrens bad habits.