I had really abusive childhood from my mental illness mom.
Straight 10yr she was abusing me, beating me, neglect me, bullying me, not taking care of me, she wasn’t even make me food, my father who took care of me.
I was going to school staring at kids my age and imagine how happy their life with their mom, going back from school and finding dinner ready.
Now im 25yr and she trying to repair the damaged she caused it to me.
And i cant, she trying her best to take care of me, she trying to cook my food, she trying to be perfect mom, defend me in every topic.
But i just cant erase 10y of my childhood this simple, i dont have any feelings for her, no matter what she do.
How can i deal with this?.
Comments
Sorry you had to deal with this. You need therapy, not this sub.
I don’t feel like you’re wrong at all.
YOU get to decide how people impact you.
You’re an adult now, and you get to decide what relationships you want to form and nurture, and which ones you want to leave behind.
If you WANT to see where things can go with her, and you feel like she’s truly sorry, it’s important to remember that people can change, however they may not always have others’ best interests in mind when they’re pursuing said change.
If you don’t want to, that is totally fine and you’re right as an adult who was wronged by your parent and keeper, for numerous years.
Therapy would be a great place to start, but that can be a big step to take!
You’ve got this 😌
There’s no rule on when you should forgive your mother or if you should at all. Don’t focus on that.
You need to get professional help and get yourself right so you don’t pass the same mistakes on to your own child one day. Forgiveness may arise from this or it may not. Neither are wrong.
Healing isn’t instant. It’s a long road. It’s ok not to feel anything right now. Maybe therapy could help, it did for me.
Dearest darling little sibling, you need a professional’s help. You’re probably at your angriest right now seeing everyone else in healthy relationships screaming look what she did to me.
This too will pass but you have to get it out to someone who can teach you healthy coping mechanisms
And know that this internet aunty is virtually hugging you because I’ve been here too
I concur with those recommending therapy for you. Ideally, you’d work with a therapist who specializes in trauma.
I’m sorry that your mother has mental illness. And some of what she did is likely a product of that. Nevertheless, the abuse affected you. Abuse is unfair. Abuse shapes how we see the world and how much we trust others. I’m assuming that your childhood affected your self-esteem and your ability to be happy.
I don’t think you should necessarily feel guilty for not forgiving your mom. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a relationship with her. But how that relationship looks is going to be shaped by what you accept and what you don’t. What you want me right now might be different from where you are 10 years from now. To figure out what you need to heal, working with this therapist is probably the route to take. Again, I’d be inclined to work with someone who specializes in trauma rather than just any therapist.
Good luck with whatever choice you make. I’m rooting for you.
Honor those feelings! My mom is like this too.
Omg did we have the same childhood 😭
My mom is abusive and my dad is a narcissist. I got best of both worlds lol
Hi, my situation is similar to yours. Get therapy (EMDR was great, from my personal experience) and remember that although we can choose to forgive our abusers, it’s never required of us. Neither choice is wrong, you have the power to decide what’s best for you.
No, not really but do seek therapy, growing up like that has its impacts on us as adults and how we turn up in our own relationships.
You don’t have to forgive her or anyone, but when someone is trying to change, it’s up to you to decide if you want them in your life and give them a chance or have nothing to do with them. That can be done with or without forgiving them
Years of pain and abuse can’t b undone without acknowledgement and sharing those very deep resentments and should be done with a professional. My untold horrors were still coming to the surface two years into therapy. It was all so deeply etched into my soul. Things took years to remember everything that had happened. It was like watching a horror movie.
Replace the word Mom with someone else. Like say a teacher or a friend even. Why? Because would you think that you Should forgive them? A lot of feelings get attached when it’s family. Your Mom is a mom but is also just a woman. A woman that chose to cause you harm. She did not have to.!There is nothing wrong with not forgiving your Mother. The thing about forgiveness is, it’s not for the other person, it’s for you. If you choose to forgive her and it may not be possible, what that means for you is that you no longer have to carry the anger and resentment around for the rest of your life. Those things only poison and harm you. A lot times it takes physically distancing yourself from the abuser to even begin the process of forgiveness. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you say the things that they did were ok. It just means that you’ve let them go and they no longer rule your life. And you never have to tell that person you forgive them. That’s not a requirement either.
Therapy definitely. But you can also forgive and still decide to go no contact
no. but you need therapy, and dont be scared of therapy, i might be weird but i actually like it
It’s called therapy… for yourself and therapy sessions together… I also want to point out more kids come from broken homes than happy homes… you had fantasies about dinner being ready when you got home… in reality, tons of kids don’t eat at home at all, and school lunch is the only meal they get every day… I find it Interesting you’ve always dreamed to be treated a certain way and now that she’s doing just that you won’t accept it… may she really is sorry and truly trying to right a wrong im not seeing how it’s a bad thing she’s trying to be the mother shoukd couldn’t be… who knows what she was dealing with mentally… maybe she had substance abuse issues… and most people who abuse were in fact abused themselves and don’t know any other way to show love… I am glad she’s actually trying to be a mom and I guess it’s up to you to decide if you are willing to forgive her…
Therapy is the way. I learned that forgiveness wasn’t about the other person at all. It was for my benefit.
You can’t force forgiveness. It comes on it’s own – or doesn’t. Don’t forget live your life, talk to a therapist if you’re having trouble sleeping or processing emotions or anything in between. You’re big now, you take care of yourself. Give yourself what you didn’t get as a child 😊
It’d be nice of her if she helped you with therapy payments though.
If a therapists approach isin’t working for you, find another. Each approaches things a bit differently. But at the end of the day, you make choices.
No it’s not wrong. You don’t need to force yourself to forgive her. It’s weird she thinks she can somehow “make up” for what she did.
I’d like to tell her something. Forget about it just go about her about life enjoy her life live her life to the fullest. Because it’s your choice there’s nothing she can do or not do to change it she shouldn’t sit around wasting her life trying to make up for something that she at the time couldn’t do any better at. Sounds like she’s responsible and stepping up to the plane if you don’t feel that she is worthy of your time or attention or whatever then do her a favor and cut her loose so she can go be happy instead of sitting around miserable thinking that she owes something to you. If she made peace with you herself and God it’s the best she can do she doesn’t owe you anything going forward it’s up to you to keep it moving and find how to love your mother the way that the lord loves you
Why do you have to forgive her for?
I think that’s just depending on how you feel. If you’re ready and willing to forgive her, forgive her. If you’re not ready, then don’t.
She had a mental issue? Right?start there. Is she on medication and trying to make right the wrong now? If so ,it’s never a bad idea to have anothers love…especially a mother’s .you only ever get one. They’re just an imperfect,fragile human like the rest of us.
Try al-anon and their teen section for support and validation. It may help.
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you approve what they did or that you will forget what happened and act like nothing ever happened. Forgiveness is a gift for yourself, to let go what feels heavy. Talk to her, tell her how you felt, try to be kind when expressing your feelings, it’s okay to be angry, sad, or whatever feeling you are having, it’s YOUR story, YOUR experience and YOUR childhood. You can forgive her and choose not to have a relationship with her, you can forgive her and choose to move on without talking to your mom.
God loves you.
Matthew 6:14:
“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you”.
Colossians 3:13:
“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you”.
It isn’t wrong at all. You suffered through horrible trauma at a young age for a long time. The best way to approach this is through therapy. Someone trained to deal with those who have traumatic pasts can direct you much better than we can. I hope your Mom got help and got better. I also hope you find a place of peace where this issue doesn’t affect you so much anymore. I think your mom is wrong to just force her way into your life by cooking and doing stuff for you before you are ready. She should back off until you decide if you’re gonna try to have a relationship with her or not.
I’m speaking as someone with an abusive alcoholic father
Forgiveness is about ourselves but it is not the same as forgetting. You will never forget your past.
Children of trauma take on so much blame like it’s their fault. Forgiveness if about recognising the pain, acknowledging and accepting what happens to us is not our fault. It’s not about forgiving their actions and it doesn’t give them a ‘get out of jail card’ and magically reset the relationship.
My father will always be an abusive drunk BUT he will always have done those things and they are responsible for the lack of any emotional relationship we have now.
Hi
I can see you already got a lot of therapy advices, but as someone who is 30+ with same history repair and healing is hard if your mother isn’t remorseful and isn’t trying.
I have been in therapy for last 5 years and it doesn’t help if my mother keeps repeating same patterns I am trying to move on from or go no contact.
Coming from someone that had resentment towards my mother, she’s dead now, you don’t have to forgive her but don’t let her take you down with her. Please get some help for you and your future family, not for her.
No, you don’t have to be around her at all. I’m really sorry you had to go through that. It is just terrible and awful. And, your dad allowed this?? Did your mum get mental health assistance or did she did she just realize on her own?
I think you. shoukd go talk to a therapist because letting go of the anger will be good for you but that still doesn’t mean you ever have to be around her again.
Perhaps you will change your mind someday. Perhaps not.