Hi all. Posting this on a throwaway account since this is obviously very personal, and I don’t want this attached to me, so hopefully this doesn’t get taken down! I have been discussing this situation with a therapist, but that has been mostly processing my emotions and I could really use some straightforward advice on what others would do in my position.
Starting when I was in my senior year of high school, I (then 17F, now 45F) dated “Johnny” (fake name) (then 17M, now 45M) for two years. It was an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship, in which he isolated me from all of my friends, used his medical conditions to manipulate me into avoiding any sort of disagreement with him, and sexually assaulted me multiple times. He also sexually assaulted other girls while in a relationship with me, but gaslit me into believing it didn’t happen or was an accident. I regret not taking these accusations seriously at the time, but I was naïve and I did not want to believe that he was capable of that behavior, since that would mean admitting that I had also been assaulted, which I repressed and denied over the course of our relationship.
Eventually we broke up, and when I confronted him on the assaults, Johnny continued to refuse to take responsibility and blamed me for what had happened. I developed severe anxiety and depression from this relationship, but luckily I was able to get a wonderful therapist and move on with my life. I eventually married my college sweetheart and had four children (19F & 19F – twins, 15M, and 14F). This issue concerns my son “Rowan” (15M), who is a sophomore in high school.
In the past few months, Rowan has been friends with a girl he met at his theater summer camp, “Sara” (15F). Since he’s gotten back from camp, Sara has been over our house at least twice a week. A few days ago, Rowan officially introduced Sara to us as his girlfriend. I am so happy for them and think Sara is such a great girl. She is kind, intelligent, funny, treats Rowan well, gets along great with his sisters. My husband and I have been teaching our children about consent, healthy and unhealthy relationships, boundaries, etc. since they were very young, so I feel very comfortable with Rowan dating.
However, yesterday I picked Rowan up from school play auditions and saw Sara get picked up by her father for the first time. (Previously, Rowan and Sara have walked from camp/ridden the train from school to our house together.) Although obviously it’s been a long time, Sara’s father was clearly Johnny. He looked the same, just older, and Sara has his last name, though I didn’t realize earlier because it’s a common last name.
Obviously I’m freaking out, but I have no idea what to do. My first instinct is to tell Rowan that he is not allowed at Sara’s house or anywhere near her family. But I don’t know how to explain that to Sara, who doesn’t deserve to be punished for her father’s actions and who especially doesn’t deserve to have her image of her father ruined at such a young age. Plus, I have always believed in being open and honest with my kids, especially when it comes to setting boundaries, but I don’t want Rowan to feel like he has to choose between me and Sara, or put too much of a heavy situation on a teenager.
I know it’s possible, too, that Johnny has changed. I always try to believe that everyone is capable of being better. But I feel so unsafe and I don’t want my son around him at all.
Please help. Any advice is welcome.
Comments
I really don’t know what I’d do in this situation. That’s heavy. They’re so young and there are so many implications. Talk to your husband first, and just keep the boundary to where they can only hang at your house so you can watch them. Idk if it would be appropriate to explain this to them at all but maybe you can ask her about her mom and get an idea of her home life before you make drastic decisions. One thing at a time. They’re so young, it could go on for a while but it could also end before any moves need to be made.
This is hard. I would encourage them to spend their time at your house, make it inviting and easy for them. I definitely would not tell them, he will only deny it and it could damage your relationship with your son. I certainly didn’t marry my bf from when I was 15, these relationships usually don’t last. Maybe Johnny has changed, who knows. Good luck with this, a sucky situation.
Let it fizzle out like relationships do at that age.
I don’t know if there’s much you can do.
I think you could certainly tell your son about what happened. However, you do so at the risk of any number of things. And unfortunately I don’t think most of them have a good outcome.
On one hand you could have that talk with your son. And being a teenage boy he could have number of reactions, including a rage and going and doing something on your behalf. He might break up with Sara. He might tell Sara who then has her entire family life imploded. Or maybe she then judges you. At the very least, it’s probably going to cause some level of tension with him and her dad, and might spoil out
You could try to limit his time over there, and then Sara complains that it’s not fair he’s never coming over, or her parents might. And they might reach out, now you’re faced with talking to this man, and once again, potentially imploding this girl’s life. And her mother’s.
I think your best option is to continue what you’re doing. Work with your therapist. Deal with emotions. Potentially figuring out how you’re going to deal with things. Since if they continue dating, eventually you’re going to have to meet the family. What would you do then?
Obviously this is difficult for you. And it’s not a situation you could have imagined facing. And I definitely understand where you’re coming from. I just think that the idea of limiting them being together, is going to lead to a landslide of complications. They might not last, most high school relationships don’t. But they could be that one in a million high school couples that go the distance. It just depends. And I think you need to figure out a more sustainable option.
But continuing with your therapist and relying on your husband is a good start
I don’t necessarily agree with the people who say you shouldn’t tell him. He’s old enough to know what sexual assault and rape are, and to discuss consent. It’s obviously for you to decide if that’s something you want to share with him. There’s a chance he would tell his girlfriend, and she may tell her father.
It’s possible that he may have changed, but honestly probably unlikely. If I knew someone had harmed my mother I would never want to be around them.
I think that it’s a good idea to encourage and maybe insist their hangouts be at your home or anywhere but theirs. But this alone will raise questions.
I think it’s probably best to prepare for the possibility that this discussion is imminent.
This sucks because it obviously is triggering some difficult memories for you so I’m sorry that is happening. I’m sure it is difficult. With that said, I’m not sure if you need to do anything at all here. Reason being, they are 15. They could break up fairly soon – never know with high school relationships. Even if they date for a while your chances of having to interact with Johnny are slim especially once they start driving. I’ve almost never met any of the parents of the kids my girls have dated. Honestly the only risk I can think of is something like prom where parents get together with the kids for pictures. I met a lot of parents then but you can cross that bridge if it ever gets there. With that said given that you do know, I think you should develop a plan now in case you run into him. Think about what you will or will not do or say. Do your best to control the situation by planning now. Good luck.
Sit your son down with his father and tell him the truth. Don’t say he has to break up. This will be tough but kids even at that age know what’s going on and are more aware of things than you were at that age.
I’m going to be blunt who cares about Sarah who cares about her father especially her father and who cares about her mother. This is about you and your family and your well-being and your families will being. Definitely unpack this with your therapist make a plan with her how to talk to your son because you definitely need to tell your son and your daughters. I would not implement having him break up with Sarah because that would just push him into her arms. I would however enforce any contact with her would be from now on only in your home or at the theater camp no contact whatsoever with her family. Immediately block her father’s and her mother’s phone number you’ve already said this man is a good manipulator don’t invite that back into your life. If you don’t act decisively about this he very well could turn your son against you and blame all of this on you over a silly high School relationship meaning your son’s and his daughters obviously not what happened with you. I wish you well take all the advice you can from your therapist and take care of your family
You could just tell your son that you dated Sarah’s dad in high school and it did not go well for you at all. And that you don’t hold that against Sarah but you want to be transparent that in the future that your husband will be doing any of the driving etc where you could run into him. If he asks more questions you can say it’s very personal but if he truly wants to know you can tell him them
I would tell your son. Maybe try to spare the details, and bring it up in a slightly easier way for him to digest, at least in the beginning? Something along the lines of “Sara’s father and I dated when we were younger. Based on my experiences with him, he is not a safe man for you to be around. Sara is always welcome to come over to our house, but I don’t feel comfortable leaving you in the care of her dad.”
I’d just really try to create a welcoming environment for their relationship in your home. I think it’s important for him to know that you’re not trying to put the blame on Sara or break up their relationship in any way.
Does your husband know? About the rape, and that the rapist is Sara’s father?
This is about open communication. You first need to discuss this with your husband, and talk about this openly.
From there, you need to be able to discuss this with your son. The man raped you/SA’d you. No, his daughter didn’t. But, you should be allowed to avoid interacting with your former rapist. Your husband can take on anything to do with that.
You shouldn’t be expected to encourage the relationship. It doesn’t mean you have to say he can’t date her. Just that you shouldn’t have to be involved.
It’s about boundaries. You have the right to protect yourself in this situation.
Your 15 year old son MUST be protected, at all costs. Act accordingly. Feelings be damned.
I wonder if Sara sees her father in your son.
Oof, very tough situation. I feel like the best course of action would be to just let it go how it does, the chances of the relationship working are pretty low. If they do stay together forever, just think about how much you’ve changed since you were 15. The chances of him being the same guy are pretty slim, he might regret the things hes done deeply. It doesnt erase the wrongdoings, but I highly doubt hes going to make your life a living hell 30 years later. He might not even remember you.
I would tell him.
Children deserve honesty and also not to be burdened.
I think you do need to express that you are not comfortable with your son going over to Sara’s house.
Ask your therapist how to best express this without putting your son in an awkward position.
Rapists don’t change.
I know it isn’t Sara’s fault. You don’t owe her covering up for her POS father.
I would say it. My mom was always open with me about the toughest subjects and it helped me navigate life better. I don’t know what not knowing would do to benefit anyone, people should be aware when they’re around monsters.
Honesty with parents just makes sense going both ways, my mom didn’t withhold anything that jarring and vital from me and I never did with her either.
It’s happened multiple times but for example, as a teenager my mom told me that her brothers had just went to prison for illegal material and even informed me of how young the victims in the material were. When I was a kid she told me of a predator nearby and his exact crime. I appreciate knowing and it helped
Some fake a** AI post !
Time for revenge >:)
Sorry you’re having to deal with this…
Depending on your relationship with your son, maybe you be direct –
Son, look, I don’t want to interfere with you and Sara, she seems wonderful and I’m happy for you. But I want you to understand that I know her father and have a complicated and very negative past with him. I’m not saying this to stop or prevent your relationship with Sara, but I need you to understand and appreciate the negative history I have with her father. I know this is a lot to put on you, but I think we need to agree some boundaries if you want to continue this relationship with Sara
Don’t pass your baggage to your kid.
show your son the police report.
Updateme
I personally would be completely forthcoming to your son. Keeping anything like this doesn’t help him learn about emotional intelligence like this very rare lesson could. I know I was younger (around 15 or so) when my mom told me of her history with SA. It completely changed my outlook on it and helped me put things into a much more realistic perspective. By telling him, I only think you’d help him, as long as you don’t try to force the separation yourself.
Updateme
So you are contemplating punishing Rowan and Sara now, for something someone else did 28 years ago? What is the purpose in punishing them??
It sounds more, as if you are having a post traumatic stress response after seeing Johnny.
Before doing anything to punish Rowan and Sara, consider- you had a wonderful therapist and moved on, but in seeing Johnny, you are now freaking out. Perhaps you haven’t moved on as far as you had thought. Maybe reconnect with the therapist- or a new one if they are no longer in practice, and explore moving past this new stress response
I don’t see any purpose telling a 15 year old boy what happened to you 28 years ago. Johnny is not going to rape your son.
At the very least, you need to have more information about Sara’s home situation before you forbid your don to go there.
I think if this progresses as a relationship to adulthood, or to the point where you will likely come into contact with this person, you need to let your son know enough to make him understand why your subsequent actions may seem odd. That you know her father and for various reasons you cannot be in contact with him. At a certain point, he will deserve to know that if he decides to marry this girl, he might not have the family relationship with you or with her parents that he may envision.
They’re 17. You don’t need to tell them anything. The relationship will fade out.
Im sorry youre in this situation, I honestly can’t imagine how I would handle having to deal with something like this.
But honestly, id start with talking to your husband. Idk if you ever told him about what you went through, and its totally understandable if you haven’t, but I feel like he could be your biggest support in figuring out how to handle this from a parenting pov. If possible and needed, id just sit him down and tell him (as much as youre capable of) what Johnny did and explain that you dont feel your son is safe being around the man. Communicate that you dont have any issue with Sara or with Sara and your son remaining together, but you need to figure out a way to approach this gently. Your husband can really be your biggest support here.
I also think you should tell your son. Ik he young but still, he should know that his girlfriends father isn’t a good person, changed or not, and has a past that likely left you and other girls traumatized. If you arent comfortable telling him the full details, thats again understandable. But you could at least tell him that Sara’s dad and you have a past, and that he was not a good person when you knew him, and he left you with a lot of trauma and things you had to work through at a young age. You can mention that you arent sure if Johnny has changed or not, but you dont feel safe letting your son be around him bc despite who he might be now, you are still left with scars from who he was then. You dont have to brief your son on everything Johnny did to you, but I think you should explain that your past with him is why you dont want your son anywhere near him.
And please try to make it known to Sara that she is welcome in your home and can come to your son and even you for anything. I would be horrified to know a serial rapist had a daughter, no matter how many years had past. I am concerned for her own safety in a household with that man, and while I hope my concerns are unnecessary, I would still try and let her know that she has people there willing to support her just in case.
Sit your son down and explain the situation and if his gf wants to then talk to her to.
You are right she doesn’t deserve to be punishment for what her father has done but she has a right to know.
I honestly feel so much sympathy for you and it must feel like you are right back in the beginning but stay strong and dont let him win.
Good luck.
I would sit your son down with your husband and have a talk with him. It’s going to be a tough one, but he should know. don’t ask him to break up with his girlfriend, however if he knows about what happened he might be willing to work with you so you at least don’t have to have any contact with your abuser.
This sucks for the daughter too because that creature is her dad and she also probably doesn’t know. I know for a fact that if my dad sa’d my partners mom I’d never speak to him again.
this is an awful situation i can’t even imagine, im sorry you’re experiencing this. make sure to take care of yourself <3
This arsehole has gotten away with SA for decades while you’ve lived with the consequences. Fuck his feelings.
I would tell your partner and your son, and not let your son go there. It’s a pity his daughter will probably learn what hes done, but this is his fault not yours