I’ve realized about myself that I’m the type who keeps giving people chances even when they probably don’t deserve it. I’ve got this one friend who has done me dirty more times than I can count stuff that really crossed the line but every time I end up forgiving him. The main reason is because we’ve known each other since we were kids. There’s so much history there that it’s hard for me to just cut him off completely. Part of me feels like walking away would mean throwing away years of friendship even if lately it hasn’t really felt like a healthy one. I don’t know if this makes me loyal or just naive. Do you think it’s worth holding on to long term friendships no matter what or is there a point where you finally stop giving out second chances?
I’m the kind of person who keeps giving people chance after chance
r/Advice
Comments
Honestly man, it’s not about being loyal or naive, it’s about self-respect. IMO, friendship ain’t a one-way street. If they ain’t bringin’ anything positive to the table, ain’t worth it no matter how long you’ve known them. You gotta prioritize your mental health over history, y’know? I’ve cut off lifelong pals before, hurts like hell, but sometimes it’s the only way forward. Respect yourself enough to let go. 👊💯
Pal you need to seriously toughen right up here and see things as they are and not through the lens of a dangerous sentimentality. This person will cost you a lot. I’d like to know in what way they’ve crossed the line? This isn’t a friendship , familiarity doesn’t mean someone’s your friend. Pay close attention to someone’s traits and how they operate because it’s the same way you’ll be treated.
Think about what’s most important to you, and where you want to go in the future. Is this person going to help you get there, follow you, or drag you down?
Long term friendships are more difficult because you feel like so much has been invested but really everything has its season, and you have to determine whether they are going to fit into what you want for yourself. Around 25 when the frontal lobe develops, it is a common experience to recognize and accept the end of seasons in your life. You can begin to re-evaluate what/who is worthy of investing your energy/time.
Think about what kinds of traits you admire in people and what kinds of traits you would dismiss a new acquaintance over. Think about whether your time/energy invested in them is making a change in their life or just enabling them to feel less consequences for their poor behavior. If there are patterns to the way they treat people that you don’t like, or major differences in how you believe conflict should be handled, that may be a sign to part ways.
People grow and evolve and become different people than when they first met, and sometimes they aren’t compatible anymore. Sometimes people grow together and become better versions of themselves as a result.
Staying in an abusive relationship does not make you loyal, nor does it make you naive. It makes you a doormat. It makes you a victim. Why are you putting up with it? Just because you’ve known him for years, does not mean that you have to continue tolerating abuse. How many more years are you gonna allow him to take advantage of you?
You’re probably experiencing the sunk cost fallacy. You can google it for more details.
OP- maybe reframe your narrative…you are generously offering your dignity, financial security, personal boundaries, up to old friend(s) who find continuous ways to treat you poorly…you aren’t a savior. just because someone has been in your life for a long time doesn’t mean they need to be there….
I’ve heard about lessons reappearing throughout a lifetime until you finally learn the lesson…who do these people remind you of from your more formative years? Were you neglected as a child and made to step up for a parent? What triggers are you feeling when you give the second chance, or what goes through your mind when one of these people from your past reach out… there’s got to be something deeper going on and until you figure it out it will just keep reappearing