My girlfriend and I (both 30) go on this trail by the river sometimes. It is about an hour each way and most people are in casual or sporty clothes. The first few times we did it she wore a maxi skirt and high heels and I felt like it was really out of place. I told her after the last time that next time she should dress more sensibly. She claimed it was fine but it is really out of place and even if she won’t admit it she definitely stuggles particularly at the end of the trail where is is not paved. Everyone looks at her and she even gets a few comments especially about the shoes so I wonder if she does it for attention.
We went again recently and she showed up in the same type of outfit. Long skirt, heels clicking on the ground, makeup done like we were going to dinner instead of a walk. I felt embarrassed walking next to her because everyone else was in athletic clothes and she stood out. I reminded her that I had already asked her not to dress like that for this specific activity.
She told me I was being controlling and that she can wear whatever she wants. I feel like she is deliberately ignoring what I said but at the same time I do not think it is unreasonable to expect her to fit the setting.
AITA for saying something?
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My girlfriend and I (both 30) go on this trail by the river sometimes. It is about an hour each way and most people are in casual or sporty clothes. The first few times we did it she wore a maxi skirt and high heels and I felt like it was really out of place. I told her after the last time that next time she should dress more sensibly. She claimed it was fine but it is really out of place and even if she won’t admit it she definitely stuggles particularly at the end of the trail where is is not paved. Everyone looks at her and she even gets a few comments especially about the shoes so I wonder if she does it for attention.
We went again recently and she showed up in the same type of outfit. Long skirt, heels clicking on the ground, makeup done like we were going to dinner instead of a walk. I felt embarrassed walking next to her because everyone else was in athletic clothes and she stood out. I reminded her that I had already asked her not to dress like that for this specific activity.
She told me I was being controlling and that she can wear whatever she wants. I feel like she is deliberately ignoring what I said but at the same time I do not think it is unreasonable to expect her to fit the setting.
AITA for saying something?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my gf to dress sensibly on a walk as she wears a long skirt and heels which is not practicle and draws attention this might make me an asshole since she does not want my input and finds it controlling
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Sorry to say yta
She can wear whatever she wants. If you’re worried about her struggling that’s caring. If you’re worried about what other people might think of her… Yta
Her shoes are actually unsafe and she is a prime candidate for sprained ankles, insect bites, and general injuries for inappropriate clothing.
Is this the sort of person that you want to be with- who values “looks” higher than practicality and safety?
If she insists on being impractical, let it be her problem.
More power to her if she can walk that long in heals
I get the outfit, especially if it was a covered skirt like a skort with bottoms, I dress for me and sometimes it’s a bit much for the outing so I get that. The heels tho….
If she insists on it, let it be her problem and not yours. YTA
YTA – you care more about being embarrassed than the practicality of the outfit. There’s a woman who has climbed multiple 14ers in Colorado in heels.
Yes she is inappropriately dressed for a walk, at the same time she’s an adult and if that’s how she wants to dress, that’s upto her. YTA
YTA.
If your girlfriend wants to be uncomfortable and impractical, that’s a her problem. Let her enjoy clamping around in a long skirt and heels for a hike.
NTA because I would phrase it differently to say that wearing the wrong shoes – specifically – can and will eventually cause damage to her feet if she’s not careful. You would be amazing in heels now but down the track it will cause a lot of issues with the feet. Or the off-chance she hurts herself and twists an ankle because of a heel when it could have been sneakers. (Source? Me, I have 100% worn the wrong footwear on a walk that became more than just a walk and hurt myself very badly).
She can still look cute and put makeup on and etc without wearing the heels that click on the ground and is probably walking slower due to it.
It is not like you are telling her to wear less revealing clothes or a different style that isn’t by your taste, she is just dressing wrong for the occasion. This would be like wearing a white dress for a someone’s wedding.
In my opinion, NTA
NTA. Red flag! Aooooga! Aooooga! Run away!!
YTA. Why do you care so much about what she wears?
YTA
>I reminded her that I had already asked her not to dress like that.
Dude. Controlling much?
You can suggest sensible shoes if she seems like she’s struggling, but it’s her decision what she wears. If she wants to wear heels, that’s her call.
You care more about what people think when they look at your gf, than about your gf. And it shows.
NTA, but don’t bring it up another time. Let her suffer her own decision
YTA, you asked, she said no. You keep pressing it is what makes you TA.
If she wants to wear heels on a hike that’s her decision to make, not yours. Your expectations for her obedience aren’t relevant.
NTA… for now but you’ll be if you keep pressing this issue. In the end she doesn’t hurt anyone except of herself.
If you started dating recently, it’s possible that she still feels insecure in casual clothes and feels pressure to look “pretty” all the time. If that’s the issue, it will pass with time when she’ll start feeling more “stable” in a relationship.
It’s also possible that she feels she doesn’t have enough opportunities to dress up and look cute. It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t enjoy your hiking trips, but sometimes people just like to “look good in public” to improve their self esteem and feel better with themselves (sorry, it’s hard to explain). Maybe next time try to take her on a walk to some touristy place, or museum, or some other location where she can dress up and see if it will help? (What I mean is that if she’ll get more occassions to actually look pretty, she won’t feel the urge to dress up for hiking trips.)
You’re not wrong, ignore these people lol. They have bad opinions. NTA but don’t ask her again, just let her suffer.
FYI yes it’s fine to be worried at people looking at you funny because what she’s doing is dumb and unsafe. Let her deal with the consequences tho.
I am relieved to tell you no one out there is evaluating what she’s wearing. They don’t care.
You throw in that she has trouble walking, but your real concern is obviously how she looks to strangers. YTA.
YTA.
It’s odd to hike in heels but you don’t get to demand she wear something different so you’re not embarrassed. Yes you are being controlling.
YTA probably for making it about appearance. Skirt and makeup are irrelevant.
Heels can damage feet long term which you can warn about and be a good person. Still not your decision though.
My friend wore heels to Machu Picchu in Peru and wore a maxi skirt to hike to a waterfall in Arusha, Tanzania. I wish I could attach a photo. I’m always in awe that she can wear heels to do pretty much anything; she says flats make her uncomfortable. All power to your girlfriend!
lol mate girls don’t wear sensible shoes without a fight.
Buy her some cute sneakers. Offer and let her choose em and some cute gym clothes. Maybe she just wants to look good. Either way leave her be.
YTA. You mentioned it once, she didn’t want to wear what you suggested. That’s her right. If you don’t want a GF who dresses over the top for a hike, find a new girlfriend. Somewhere out there is a guy who’ll like that she dresses the way she does.
ESH.
Your gf comes off as a bit of an AH for dressing like that on a hike, but at the same time you seem more concerned about your embarrassment than the more obvious problems, e.g. what if she falls?
NTA. Yes, she can dress how she likes but come on.
YTA. If you’d be asking because it’s unsafe it would be a little bit different, but you’re only asking because you’re embarrassed. That makes you TA.
You should go on walks without her. I get it it’s a little weird but she can do what she wants and you can choose to not go out with her.
YTA. It’s up to her what she wears, not you. Why are you trying to force her. Why are you embarrassed she’s trying to look nice. Why is that a problem for you? No one else is judging her.
One rolled ankle and she’ll change her mind.
Are you concerned about the strange looks? Or about, say, her health and safety? First answer would be a solid YTA while second would be borderline NAH but communicate better. Either way you can express your concerns but she gets to decide how she dresses, not you.
YTA because you feel embarrassed by her appearance, rather than being concerned for her wellbeing.
Wearing high heels on a walk seems like a failure of common sense to me, but the skirt and makeup are completely irrelevant.
AITA for telling another adult how they should dress? Seems like that question pretty much answers itself.
YTA If she is comfortable, safe and happy, who cares what everyone else thinks
She’s not ignoring you, she’s just not obeying you.
She’s been on this walk before, she knows what the experience will be like in these clothes, she chooses to wear them. The pros outweigh the cons for her, and that’s her choice.
If she was getting hurt, or making her clothing choices your problem by say, taking your jacket to keep warm and leaving you cold, or asking you to carry her, then you’d have a place to say something. Even then it wouldn’t be “you must wear this”, it would be “please wear or bring what you need because I will not be giving up my jacket/carrying you”.
Your issue is that you’re embarrassed. You talk about what everyone else is wearing, how others are reacting. Find a way to get over it and love your gf for who she is including her style choices. Or move on and let her find someone that likes her and doesn’t find her embarrassing.
YTA
She can wear whatever she wants to, so let her fuck her feet up by wearing the wrong footwear if she wants to. She’ll learn, eventually.
YTA – she’s sounds like an absolutely whimsical baddie and it sounds like you can’t handle it! so what if she wants to wear a maxi skirt and heels. despite what you may think she is an adult woman who is capable of making her own decisions
NTA this wouldn’t be the same discussion if you wore you hiking/sports wear to nice restaurant. No one would call you controlling, they would say you should dress appropriately for the place you’re going.
I feel the conversation could have gone better if you focused on her safety and the mutual enjoyment you get from doing things together.
The fact you slid it into being all about your embarrassment is what puts you slightly over the line into YTA and controlling territory.
You can save this and apologise for your approach and ask if you can work together to get the most out of the experience. If she says no and insists on impractical footwear then you will either need to accept that or stop going on walks with her.
YTA. Get over yourself. If this is what she feels comfortable in, then that’s what she feels comfortable in. You should work on your fear of being the center of attention rather than what makes her comfortable.
Dude she thinks you’re proposing
Being concerned about her rolling her ankle with heels on uneven ground is a “sensible” concern, whereas “omg everyone else is wearing athleisure and my girlfriend is not” is just… Why are you more concerned about yourself and other people’s opinions than her safety?
YTA for caring so much about what other people think. If she’s happy and comfortable, then let her be dawg.
You stating that you are embarressed about her outfit is what makes YTA. If you would have said it’s because of the risk of injury from wearing heels on an unpaved path you would have been in the right.
You can only change the things you do so in that vain don’t ask her out for walks/hikes anymore. You don’t like the extra attention she’s attracting so just do these kinds of things by yourself or with a friend.
YTA for trying to dictate what she wears, she already told what she was going to do, so you must be the one to change.
Yta.
YTA for creating this expectation of how she’s supposed to look. If she likes what she’s wearing then leave her be. It’s controlling to pressure her to fit a certain vibe or look when she wants to wear heels and a skirt. As her partner you should support her instead of caring more about what other people think. A great way to support her would maybe be to bring a pair of sandals or some kinda slip on’s in a backpack, and tell her that if she ever get uncomfortable she has an option to slip on the back ups you brought. Therefore it’s ultimately her decision, and feels like your caring about her comfort instead of the random people around you who’s opinion don’t matter. Also wearing skirts can feel really nice during walks.
YTA.
She is not your property, nor toy.
She should wear what she wants.
This is where the definition of “boundaries” versus “control” are useful.
You are perfectly entitled to say that you won’t do that walk with her if she wears inappropriate footwear. Then if she turns up in heels you just cancel the plans. That’s a boundary – because the only person whose behaviours you are choosing is YOU.
But trying to choose someone else’s behaviours is “control” not a boundary. Which is why YTA here.
Also – I’m interested if the looks from other people are really the only issue here. Is it more of a gentle riverside stroll – a romantic walk together? In which case her pretty outfit makes sense.
Or are you seeing it as a hike, moving on briskly – in which case I can’t believe her outfit gives her sufficient freedom of movement to make that enjoyable for you.
What would she wear if you did a 3 hour hike? Does she know how to dress appropriately for an outdoor activity & is just choosing that she doesn’t see this as a hike? Or is hiking just not something she’s ever done?
YTA. Stop policing what she wears. Why are you so insecure that you’re embarrassed by her outfit?
YTA. If you can’t handle a couple of onlookers looking at your woman in clothes that aren’t typical for a trail, maybe you shouldn’t be dating such a confident woman.
ESH. I’m pretty sure most people on a hike would give an odd glance to anyone wearing heels. It’s a baffling decision that would catch 99.9% of people off guard for a variety of reasons that I can think of, and I’m not an active hiker. Doing something that is obviously both dangerous and stupid should be called out as such; however, sometimes you gotta let stupid behavior run its course.
What does concern me is that you are primarily worried about appearances over her safety. Have you approached this from a safety standpoint? From your post, it seems you’ve only attempted to order her to do so without context, or with the reason of “other people look at us funny”. While it may be easier for that side of you to come out when you have objective moral justification, the way it shows speaks volumes, if my observations are correct. It just seems to me at no point did you bring this up with genuine concern for her health. Have you asked why she wants to dress that way for a hike, or do you just assume it’s stupidity?
YTA. What she’s wearing sounds like my personal nightmare for taking a walk, and a recipe for a rolled ankle… but she’s a grown ass adult and can wear what she wants. 30 years old and you’re embarrassed about strangers looking at your girlfriend in a cute outfit? Grow up and let her live.
YTA do you feel like everyone needs to obey you or just your girlfriend? You’re being wildly controlling. Rare to see someone admit to being such a bad choice to partner with themselves.
YTA.youre not askimg her to change clothing because, say, she keeps falling and could hurt herself. You’re askimg her to change clothing because you are worried about what Other People think of YOU walking with her.
Check yourself instead of checking her. Maybe be proud that ur gf can hike in heels. Thats dedication and talent
YTA – Except for the shoes. I’ve told every woman I’ve dated to wear sneakers, or close to that for most activities. We’ll be crossing grass, gravel, sand, mud, and who knows what on any particular day.
But for clothes she can wear sweats and frumpy tshirt, yoga pants and sports bra, 1850s hoop dress, mini skirt, I don’t care
YTA, but only on a technicality. You just can’t tell a grown person what to wear. That being said, I think she’s fully insane for wearing heels and maxi skirts on hikes. What is she actually thinking, that can’t be comfortable and it is definitely dangerous to wear such incredibly inappropriate footwear on uneven terrain. I’d be embarrassed as hell to be seen with someone who dresses like that to go hiking. A leisurely walk, sure I can kinda see it. But you called it a hike, and that is definitely something with more of a dress code.
YTA as it is up to the both of you in a constructive positive conversation to appreciate both a sense of style and efficiency for the activity, not about your insecurity how you are viewed next to her and her insecurity on how she perceives herself as a human and a woman.
YTA. You ARE controlling, and it shows in your language, too: you reminded her that you already asked her to dress differently. You can ask but she doesn’t have to comply, so I don’t know why you would have to “remind” her???
YTA.
You “reminded her that you already asked her to not dress like that for this activity.”
What are you her handler?
Sounds like you got an attention seeking girlfriend.
NTA. If she wants to do it, you don’t have to entertain her. Walk away!
YTA. She’s a grown woman and gets to decide how she dresses, sensible or not. You don’t get to dictate how anyone else dresses.
Your embarrassment is your issue. You may need to reevaluate if you guys have a foundational incompatibility or not. For example, if she dresses very high glam to an outings and you wear business casual, would she mention your clothes or suggest you do more? It sounds like you may want someone less focused on aesthetics, which she clearly prizes.
Some people do value appearance more than comfort or functionality. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it can signal a mismatch of values.
YTA, your self consciousness is not your girlfriend’s problem
Who tf could walk a trail in heels?! 😳 I am in awe of her lol however it has to bother her. Some women do things for attention. I have a nephew that’s married to a girl like that. She always has to be fully dressed going anywhere, like literally to the store because she craves attention
YTA she’s managed the walk so far, mind your business
Holy fuck the comments here are dumb, and this has to be ragebait.
NTA, but stop pressing the issue, as soon as she used the word control I’d have not only noped out of the conversation, but the relationship. As soon as someone thinks I’m an abuser, or even insinuates it, I’m out dawg. In fact, the inability to dress appropriately as a fully grown adult would be a dealbreaker for me, I don’t date stupid people.
Also,
The commentary around this that are like “she can wear what she wants” and “she’s just confident” are going to get women hurt for not wearing appropriate attire, stop pushing a narrative at the expense of women’s health and well-being! (I’d argue she isn’t confident at all actually, considering she is incapable of dressing down)
INFO
The question to ask is whether she completed the walk without slowing you down or complaining.
If she happily managed it at a reasonable pace then I feel policing her clothing because you felt embarrassed being with her dressed in that fashion is inappropriate and controlling.
If she was slowing you down and causing issues, then I see insisting on more appropriate shoes would be fair.
NTA. Others here are calling you “controlling” but no one can girl boss themselves across a trail.
On second thought: this is a two hour walk, and parts of it are paved? lol this is not the Appalachian trail, it’s a couple city blocks. I’m more inclined to laugh at the people wearing athletic clothing.
YTA would I wear that hiking? no personally I wouldn’t however she’s a grown women! she can wear what she wants. She knows the risk of hurting herself she isn’t a child, and therefore if that’s how she wants to go she can go that way.
To say you’re embarrassed says a lot more about you than it does her. Please stop letting random strangers opinions impact your thoughts on your partner.
I do also wonder do you guys do any activities or dates where the dress attire is more flashy?
Regardless she can wear what she wants.
Also I wish I could hike in heels I can barley walk in them
Is the trail steep? I can’t imagine anyone hiking downhill in heels..
As a woman who loves hiking, if I had friends like her I’d only invite them to walk on boulevards. These comments are crazy, but I agree you should focus on the safety part. NTA
NTA but your issue should be with how it effects your pleasure on the walk if she’s not able to keep up a reasonable pace, or how doing this will lead to long-term injuries for your girlfriend.
Being upset over looks / comments from other people comes across as a bit insecure.
if you are embarrassed by your girlfriend, you should break up.
YTA.
YTA, You can’t dictate what other people wear, so you have two choices – stop going on these walks with her or let her wear what she wants.
People keep saying hike, but in his comment he says it’s a pavement by a river. So an hour walk on a flat pavement by a scenic area- I’d call that a leisurely stroll, it doesn’t require particular clothing attire. I’ve walked around my town for this duration in wedge heels, if they’re comfortable it’s fine
How is this guy the AH for pointing out how ridiculous it is for her to wear HIGH HEELS ON AN UNPAVED TRAIL??
Nta Clothing and makeup is up too her, but what happens when she twists an ankle in heels? Thats literally a safety issue. Heels are no go. Im a woman and I ain’t going hiking with ANYONE in heels.
Stop posing it as a looks thing. You get no say on that.
Don’t bag a baddie and then complain about how badass they are.
YTA She has made it abundantly clear that this is how she wants to dress for the activity. She knows it’s ill suited and she knows that she will struggle and she wants to dress that way anyway. Your issue doesn’t seem to be with her health and well being, but rather that you care more about what other people are thinking. She’s an adult and if she wants to intentionally make dumb choices, she can, as long as she’s not hurting others.
Suggesting or even asking once was fine. She heard you, and she still chose to dress this way. Now you are indeed being a controlling AH by insisting that she’s not following your instructions on what to wear. And your entire issue is that you’re embarrassed to be seen with her in this outfit. There’s an easy fix for that – not being with her! – and she’ll probably solve it for you unless you apologize and back off. YTA.
YTA it sounds like you need to work on being less affected by seeming “out of place.” She’s not hurting anyone. She’s not even complaining about the clothes or shoes she’s wearing. She’s not negatively impacting your walks outside of “I feel embarrassed she’s overdressed.” I promise you most strangers passing y’all aren’t going, “oh yikes that woman is so overdressed. How embarrassing for her and her boyfriend!” And even if they are, they’re assholes. Don’t let this be the hill you die on.
“I reminded her I’d already asked her not to dress like that” exactly, you ASKED and she said no. Trying to make her change her outfit because you think she’s embarrassing is controlling.
YTA because id the way you wrote this post. If it was coming out of a genuine place of saftey and concern I would think differently but the way this is written is coming off way more about being controlling and caring about others perceptions
YTA, but mainly because you care what a bunch of strangers think. If there’s anything to feel embarrassed by, it’s that.
Is her chose of attire it a little odd? Sure, but I find her level of commitment endearing.