So last Sunday, my boyfriend (22M) went on a short trip with his friends. They’re people I (25M) don’t know personally. I (25M) have a lot of insecurity and trust issues, (my parents split up twice when i was a kid and my first gf got pregnant when she was in a relationship with me, and the proceeding dates have been nothing but terrible and emotionally scarring, but I’m working on them always..
The night before, I sent him a goodnight message that basically hinted I was worried about him going and even suggested I wasn’t comfortable with him being around people I didn’t know. I was vulnerable in my tone, but he ended up blowing up at me the next day.
He told me that:
He had already told me who he was with.
He wasn’t doing anything shady and just wanted to enjoy the trip.
It hurt him that I still seemed suspicious, like I didn’t trust him or the relationship.
He felt like I was projecting my own issues onto him and making his fun moments feel guilty.
He said it always seems to happen when he’s enjoying himself, and it drains him.
I tried to explain I was just anxious and needed reassurance, but I can see how it sounded like I didn’t trust him. I know I ruined the mood for him, and now I feel like I made him associate enjoying himself with me being upset.
He’s still updating me, but I feel like I hurt him badly. I really do love him, but my insecurity makes me clingy and controlling at times, and I know it’s not fair for him to carry that weight.
So, AITA for putting my anxieties on him instead of just letting him enjoy himself?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
So last Sunday, my boyfriend (22M) went on a short trip with his friends. They’re people I (25M) don’t know personally. I (25M) have a lot of insecurity and trust issues, (my parents split up twice when i was a kid and my first gf got pregnant when she was in a relationship with me, and the proceeding dates have been nothing but terrible and emotionally scarring, but I’m working on them always..
The night before, I sent him a goodnight message that basically hinted I was worried about him going and even suggested I wasn’t comfortable with him being around people I didn’t know. I was vulnerable in my tone, but he ended up blowing up at me the next day.
He told me that:
He had already told me who he was with.
He wasn’t doing anything shady and just wanted to enjoy the trip.
It hurt him that I still seemed suspicious, like I didn’t trust him or the relationship.
He felt like I was projecting my own issues onto him and making his fun moments feel guilty.
He said it always seems to happen when he’s enjoying himself, and it drains him.
I tried to explain I was just anxious and needed reassurance, but I can see how it sounded like I didn’t trust him. I know I ruined the mood for him, and now I feel like I made him associate enjoying himself with me being upset.
He’s still updating me, but I feel like I hurt him badly. I really do love him, but my insecurity makes me clingy and controlling at times, and I know it’s not fair for him to carry that weight.
So, AITA for putting my anxieties on him instead of just letting him enjoy himself?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I made my boyfriend feel guilty for going on a trip with his friends by suggesting I wasn’t comfortable, which came across as controlling and distrustful instead of supportive.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Yes, YTA. And you need to work on your issues. Your insecurities are YOUR problem to deal with, not your BF’s.
YTA
What was your intention behind your goodnight message?
Because it seems like you wanted him to cancel his plans because you weren’t going to be there and didn’t know who would be there with him? Which seems incredibly controlling and manipulative
> He felt like I was projecting my own issues onto him and making his fun moments feel guilty.
You were.
> I tried to explain I was just anxious and needed reassurance, but I can see how it sounded like I didn’t trust him.
He doesn’t owe you reassurance when he’s done nothing wrong. It doesn’t just sound like you don’t trust him, you literally don’t trust him. And the maddening part for him is that he didn’t personally do anything to deserve this suspicion and lack of trust. The message you’re sending is “I think you’re a bad person who can’t be left unsupervised, even though I have zero evidence of this.”
YTA.
Yeah, YTA, sorry. If your anxiety is this bad, you need professional support in overcoming it. If you keep trying to make your BF your therapist, you’re going to drive him away.
Your anxiety ended up making him feel guilty for doing something normal and harmless. You should own your insecurities, communicate them calmly, and work on not projecting them onto him. It’s understandable you feel anxious, but it’s not fair to make him carry that weight. Apologize, reassure him you trust him, and focus on managing your anxiety internally next time
I don’t want to call you an asshole, but… you don’t need a relationship right now, you need a therapist. Until you work through all that trauma and insecurity, you’re not going to be capable of contributing to a healthy relationship.
YTA. Fix this now,, on your own, or you’re looking ahead to a lifetime of short relationships.
Yes, YTA.
You say that you know it’s not fair to expect him to carry the weight of your jealousy and anxiety. If that’s the case, why make this post? You tried to make him carry the weight, and he got upset about how unfair that was.
If you know a thing is wrong, you have a responsibility to not do it. When you don’t follow through on that responsibility, of course YTA. You need to learn to self-soothe and de escalate yourself instead of putting it on him. It sounds like you know that but you‘re acting like saying “I know it’s wrong” somehow excuses you for doing the thing you know is wrong.
Yes YTA.
He didn’t cheat. He’s not your ex. He’s not your parents. Go to therapy. You won’t have a healthy outlook or relationship if you keep behaving this way.
Dating someone who is very insecure and anxiously attached is draining. You don’t have a right to ask him not to hang out with people you don’t know. He’s entitled to have friends and a good time. When you feel that inkling come up, you need to learn to reassure yourself. You definitely should consider seeing a therapist to work on this.
For clarification, the company was kind enough to include me in their weekly therapy benefits that are paid for , which is 30 minutes of free counseling with your chosen psychologist. I appreciate all the comments so far since i know this will eventually be filled with more meaningful and yep really harsh ones as well . Were okay after that, its been 5 days since the issue and i will see him on sunday to hopefully patch things up again.
It’s good that you’re self-aware about your insecurity, but you can’t put that on others mate. He deserves to enjoy himself without feeling guilty. Keep working on your trust issues, or you’ll end up pushing him away.
YTA
YTA.
Waiting for someone to soothe your Anxiety and reassure you over and over is an unhealthy coping mechanism that will either drain your partner or get you trapped in an abusive relationship. It’s a recipe for failure either ways. In this case, Your partner is communicating clearly that you’re indeed suffocating him and trying to control his actions for the sake of managing your Anxiety which is both selfish and doesn’t stem from the position of love. If you want this to work out, You’ll need to work with a professional on how to manage your own anxiety and self-soothe. Being self-aware of this is a good first step and that feeling of guilt needs to be translated into holding an accountable action.
YTA – give ya head a wobble man. If he’s going to do anything then you bitching about it isn’t going to stop it. In fact you are just making it more likely to happen.
YTA.
Ain’t gonna call you AH but you know that what you did was wrong. If you keep projecting your insecurities towards him that relationship will be ended soon. And yet again you’ll add to your trauma.
Some people said you don’t need a relationship, you need a therapist. Well, you might want a relationship but you have to be 100% conscious that you’re not at your best to promote an healthy relationship. Even healthy relationships have major issues. That reinsurance that you’re asking from him, it can be exhausting for a person that is not guilty of the lack of it. That reinsurance has to be provided by you, for you. If you really want to keep this person by your side apologize for what you did and then compromise on therapy.
YTA – Simply because you are not ready for an adult relationship.
Nobody can have a healthy relationship unless they’re able to love and be confident in themselves.
Lmfaoooo you need to be single. Your insecurities are preventing someone else from living their life. Stop being an inconvenience to everyone else just because you’re soft.