My brother (28m) and Husband (28m) have been friends since primary school. Admittedly my husband has said to me my brother would of probably been one of those friends he lost touch with after highschool if we weren’t a couple. I (26m) don’t blame him since my brother is a lot and can be an asshole. I bring this up so you can get a picture of their friendship, still “friends” but more friends because the circumstances have brought them within close proximity, but they like to maintain it still by hanging out every few weeks with their mutuals.
My husband hasn’t been speaking to my brother since last week after hanging out with him and came home yelling about how he cutting him off. I’m not sure what was said but my husband was pretty pissed about it when he came home and I still haven’t been told what was said or what happened by either of them.
When I saw my brother next I asked him what he said to my husband to get him so pissed at him. He wouldn’t tell me and just apologized to me and asked that I get my husband to forgive him. I told him that’s not going to happen unless I know what was said or happened, he said my husband will tell me. My husband has not told me!
I’ve then gone back to my husband to try and get straight answers and he’s still refusing to tell me what my brother said to make him want to cut him off. Then asked me to get my brother to stop trying to contact him and suggested I limit contact with my brother as well. I think this kind of freaked me out a bit since my husband has never and would never ask something like that unless there was a good reason but at the same time he won’t tell me that reason.
I’m now at my sister’s after that conversation since Im over whatever this is. I just want whatevers going on to stop. Me and my sister might talk to my brothers gf after she gets back this week to ask her about what happened that night since she was with the group too that night.
AITA?
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My brother (28m) and Husband (28m) have been friends since primary school. Admittedly my husband has said to me my brother would of probably been one of those friends he lost touch with after highschool if we weren’t a couple. I (26m) don’t blame him since my brother is a lot and can be an asshole. I bring this up so you can get a picture of their friendship, still “friends” but more friends because the circumstances have brought them within close proximity, but they like to maintain it still by hanging out every few weeks with their mutuals.
My husband hasn’t been speaking to my brother since last week after hanging out with him and came home yelling about how he cutting him off. I’m not sure what was said but my husband was pretty pissed about it when he came home and I still haven’t been told what was said or what happened by either of them.
When I saw my brother next I asked him what he said to my husband to get him so pissed at him. He wouldn’t tell me and just apologized to me and asked that I get my husband to forgive him. I told him that’s not going to happen unless I know what was said or happened, he said my husband will tell me. My husband has not told me!
I’ve then gone back to my husband to try and get straight answers and he’s still refusing to tell me what my brother said to make him want to cut him off. Then asked me to get my brother to stop trying to contact him and suggested I limit contact with my brother as well. I think this kind of freaked me out a bit since my husband has never and would never ask something like that unless there was a good reason but at the same time he won’t tell me that reason.
I’m now at my sister’s after that conversation since Im over whatever this is. I just want whatevers going on to stop. Me and my sister might talk to my brothers gf after she gets back this week to ask her about what happened that night since she was with the group too that night.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Im refusing to help my brother with getting my husband to forgive him, and Ive left the house i share with my husband to stay with my sister untill one of them tell me what this is over. I feel like im being an asshole to both of them somehow.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Not an asshole but you don’t need to move out to force a confession, it’s their beef. You’ll be filled in eventually let it go.
My two guesses. Your brother is cheating and your husband found out or your brother hit on your husband (or your husband hit on your brother) and it didnt go as hoped. Either way, sex or relationship is involved for no one to talk about it but your brother to keep trying to fix something
It sounds like your brother caused an issue and you left your husband over it. To your husband, it might seem like you chose your brother. Time to talk to bro and get the truth, and time to decide if you trust your husband. Pending more info, YTA.
YTA I don’t understand your behaviour. You admit that your brother is a lot and can be an asshole and you also seem to think your brother is the one at fault in this case, but you nevertheless left your husband. Why are you punishing him if you don’t know what’s going on and you don’t seem to think he’s the one to blame?
NTA
NTA but your husband and brother TA
I don’t doubt that whatever happened was serious and your husband is probably on the right side of this spat but I think it’s unfair for your husband to expect you to cut off your brother just because “trust me, bro” should be reason enough. You have his back but you’re also not a child. You already admitted your brother’s a bit of an asshole and by his own apology he knows he crossed a line but I’d be annoyed too by this.
nah you’re not the asshole here at all, you’re stuck in the middle of two grown men acting like kids. like if your husband really wants you to cut off or limit contact with your own brother, he owes you an actual explanation, not just “trust me bro.” and your brother trying to apologize without even saying what went down is shady too. you dipped to your sister’s place ‘cause you’re tired of the drama, which is honestly the most sane thing you could’ve done. they need to start talking instead of dragging you into their cold war.
YTA. You left your husband because of something so serious that he doesn’t want to share it with you? It seems like he is protecting you from something. And instead of getting him to sit down and talk, you bailed? Not a healthy relationship move.
Your husband may see that being an action of you siding with your brother, which would further deepen the damage.
Go back and talk with him.
NTA.
Your husband will be ready to talk to you when he gets his thoughts in order. Let him know you’re there for him and you love him unconditionally. I hope things go well for you.
My first thought is that something VILE was said about you.
You can keep asking but if it was anything else, I dont think they would both be hiding it from you. My guy said brother is mortified to twll you and husband is trying to shield you from how hurtful it was. I think ESH. I wouldn’t have left over it. Although until we know what was said though, its hard to say who’s the AH at all.
NTA. Trust cuts both ways. If you’re expected to trust and support your husband enough to limit contact with your brother, then he needs to trust and respect you enough that he can provide you with a minimally rational reason for your doing so.
I’d recommend against getting your brother’s gf involved since you would be putting her on the spot.
You and your sister should sit each of them down and tell them that one of them needs to tell you what happened that such an extreme reaction has been forthcoming and that your husband is asking you to limit contact with your brother.
So your brother and husband both agree that the brother is at fault and now your punishing your husband because whatever happened is obviously bothering him to a point where he isn’t comfortable talking about it yet and it’s not on your time
YTA
Just refuse to be the middle man, you are not telling your brother to stop and you are not asking for your husband’s forgiveness: Be Switzerland remain neutral.
NTA but you might be if you keep digging and getting involved.
YTA. Your brother admits he’s at fault. You should be standing with your husband, not pouting with your sister. FWIW, I suspect brother talked trash about you (OP), why else would hubby cut him off?
NTA
You’re married and your first loyalty is to your husband. AND your brother is your brother. What a sticky situation.
May I suggest speaking to each one separately and telling them essentially the same thing. “I love you. I don’t know what happened between you and spouse/brother. I don’t know because neither of you will tell me. Until one of you tells me what happened – I’m Switzerland. I will not take sides in ignorance.”
Pass the bean dip.
NTA. You’re doing exactly what I would. If neither wants to talk about it fine. Obviously it was something offensive about you or the two of you. And obviously your brother regrets saying it. Be prepared to hear something pretty big. And if it turns out to be petty put them both in time-out for being childish.
NTA but it sounds like your brother knows something on your husband. Does your husband get out of hand at get togethers? To the point your brother would say something to him?
It must be bad if your husband wants you to cut contact. I’d tell your husband that you are going to find out what happened and since he didn’t tell you first he’ll have to answer to you as to why he didn’t tell you.
Wow it’s like the adult version of the child wanting to play with 2 friends but the 2 friends don’t get along and want to play separately.
Can’t blame you for taking yourself out of the equation at least until you know what the heck is going on.
Was there a third party present who might be able to shed some light on what happened, It will potentially involve drugs,sex or money, one obviously doesn’t approve of the other….you need answers so you either check messages on phones for more information or you sit them down and say I am not dropping this until I get answers…now you can tell me what happened or they will.
You’re right in refusing to have anything to do with helping your brother (who won’t tell you what happened, but who appears to know he’s in the wrong) reconcile with your husband. That doesn’t even make any sense – how can you act as a mediator in a situation you don’t know anything about? I don’t know why you’ve left your husband. I think he’d be wise to tell you what happened (I’d suspect your brother said something offensive about you, but who knows?), but by leaving, you’ve essentially shown you lack trust in him. It’s a complicated situation – mildly YTA since you’re fine in refusing to help your brother, but overdid your response by walking out on your husband.