I (27M) had a work event yesterday. I told my fiance (29F) shead of time that it would run from 4PM and finish around 6PM and I would come home around 7:30-7:45PM. Right before the event ended, a colleague of mine (whom my fiance knows but doesn’t really like) invited me to his place for a drink. I texted her to let her know of this and assured her that there was nothing to worry about and that I’d still be home around the time I mentioned. While I was at his house and around the time of 7:15, i get a text message from her asking whether I am on my way home. I called her and told her I will be finishing off my drink and I will be on my way and ended the call. She then called me two more times, demanding that I come home immediately because she was waiting for me. My colleague heard the call and even offered to invite her over (probably sensing the uncomfortable tension) – she refused. I told her again that I’d be coming home soon, but the calls kept coming – three more. At this point, I didn;t want to cause a scene or argue in front of people, so I switched off my phone and stayed for another 15-20 minutes. Then, unexpectedly, the doorbell rings – it’s my fiance. She came to my colleague’s house to take me home. I was shocked. I left with her, and once we were home, I told her that this was completely out of line and that showing up like that was not okay, especially since she declined the invite earlier. Once we got home, things escalated. She called me a liar and accused me of being untrustworthy. I told her I felt like this level of monitoring and confrontation was getting a bit controlling. (Some context: We’ve had arguments in the past about trust and her feeling uncomfortable with me seeing friends or colleagues without her. She’s said before that she doesn’t like feeling left out or uncertain about where I am or who I’m with. The compromise I came up with was location sharing to earn her trust. I’m now wondering: should I be looking at this differently? Am I the asshole for staying out a bit longer, switching off my phone and not coming home the second she demanded it?
TL;DR: I told my fiance I’d be home around 7:30–7:45 after a work event, but stayed for a drink at a colleague’s house. After multiple calls from her demanding I come home, I switched off my phone to avoid a scene. She showed up at the house anyway. We argued, and now I’m wondering if I’m in the wrong or if this is controlling behavior.
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I (27M) had a work event yesterday. I told my fiance (29F) shead of time that it would run from 4PM and finish around 6PM and I would come home around 7:30-7:45PM. Right before the event ended, a colleague of mine (whom my fiance knows but doesn’t really like) invited me to his place for a drink. I texted her to let her know of this and assured her that there was nothing to worry about and that I’d still be home around the time I mentioned. While I was at his house and around the time of 7:15, i get a text message from her asking whether I am on my way home. I called her and told her I will be finishing off my drink and I will be on my way and ended the call. She then called me two more times, demanding that I come home immediately because she was waiting for me. My colleague heard the call and even offered to invite her over (probably sensing the uncomfortable tension) – she refused. I told her again that I’d be coming home soon, but the calls kept coming – three more. At this point, I didn;t want to cause a scene or argue in front of people, so I switched off my phone and stayed for another 15-20 minutes. Then, unexpectedly, the doorbell rings – it’s my fiance. She came to my colleague’s house to take me home. I was shocked. I left with her, and once we were home, I told her that this was completely out of line and that showing up like that was not okay, especially since she declined the invite earlier. Once we got home, things escalated. She called me a liar and accused me of being untrustworthy. I told her I felt like this level of monitoring and confrontation was getting a bit controlling. (Some context: We’ve had arguments in the past about trust and her feeling uncomfortable with me seeing friends or colleagues without her. She’s said before that she doesn’t like feeling left out or uncertain about where I am or who I’m with. The compromise I came up with was location sharing to earn her trust. I’m now wondering: should I be looking at this differently? Am I the asshole for staying out a bit longer, switching off my phone and not coming home the second she demanded it?
TL;DR: I told my fiance I’d be home around 7:30–7:45 after a work event, but stayed for a drink at a colleague’s house. After multiple calls from her demanding I come home, I switched off my phone to avoid a scene. She showed up at the house anyway. We argued, and now I’m wondering if I’m in the wrong or if this is controlling behavior.
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> I think i might have been an asshole for switching off my phone.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Please don’t marry her. This is controlling, abusive behavior. You should get out now.
NTA. This is absolutely out of line. If my partner rocked up at a work event and made a scene it would be over then and there. She can fight with you as much as she wants once you’re home but at a work event or in front of a colleague? Offsides.
INFO why doesn’t she like this particular colleague?
NTA
Don’t marry someone who doesn’t trust you. Your fiancee clearly doesn’t trust you.
Your fiancee’s reaction to all of this is 100% unhinged. She likely need therapy.
Regardless, seriously, until she gets a handle on this, don’t marry her.
NTA! I would love to say ”RUN WHILE YOU CAN” but I won’t because I don’t have the whole picture.
But run. This is not healthy.
NTA. Unless you’re leaving out “and me and this dude used to hook up”, I have no idea why she would react this way. Except to be controlling ig
NTA
Nta
Her behavior was unhinged and will most likely escalate. Please take this seriously.
The real TL;DR of this post is 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA bro, run
Nta, her showing up this way and repeatedly calling you shows that she doesn’t have impulse control and that she has zero trust for you. I do sense some context might be missing, like perhaps you are the type to stonewall and dismiss her feelings which is why her anxiety spikes when you blow her off or dont include her in shit. Either way sounds like a very unhealthy relationship and like getting married before this is resolved would be a big mistake
I feel like more information is needed on this one. Because unless your fiancé is a complete lunatic (in which case why are you marrying her?) I feel like there has to be more context from her side. Her actions are both bold and aggressive. So either much more is going on to warrant her acting so off the cuff or you need to seriously look at your choice of life partner.
NTA
This will never change and only get worse. BAIL NOW.
NTA, and as another woman, this is a massive red flag. It’s not going to get better from here.
NTA
She’s insecure and controlling. To gain her trust, which you shouldn’t have to prove to her in the first place, you shared locations and what you are doing. She tried to micromanage your time, over your own wishes, and used that sharing you offered in the name of trust to show up and drag you home.
This can’t be fixed, because she doesn’t see her behavior as a problem. You need to acquiesce to being her lapdog with no free will to call your own or time away from her, or you can cut her loose and move on with trying to find someone who is secure as a person and as an adult and who will treat you as the same.
YOU LEFT WITH HER??? Odg… That would have been my cue to stay for at least another hour. With malice. Followed by a quick removal of myself from the relationship. Hell no. Level 10 Klingon gets a Nope Card. To mix my metaphors.
NTA. You’re going to get married already knowing the cause for the divorce. Such efficiency.
NTA
Why are you with such a controlling, unhinged witch?
NTA unless you were like 3 hours later than you originally said and weren’t answering your phone would showing up ever be warranted or even be remotely okay. Unless you’ve failed to mention some serious past behavior from you that makes her not trust you then I’d second think a marriage. Sounds like she needs counseling or therapy if she has abandonment issues like this.
It took you 20 minutes to finish off your drink? And you still didn’t finish it off and leave before she unexpectedly arrived, like you said you were going to? She might be a bit crazy & impulsive, but you told her 1 thing and didn’t follow thru. ESH.
ngl bro this whole thing sounds wild, like you gave her the heads up, told her when you’d be home and even called to reassure her, she blowing up your phone and then popping up at dude’s house is OD, that’s not “concerned fiancée” vibes that’s control issues, you ain’t wrong for wanting a lil space to finish your drink without being treated like a kid on curfew
NTA man
Wow. NTA.
yeah man you’re not crazy here, you told her the plan and even checked in, she still spammed your phone then pulled up like she’s your mom dragging you home from a sleepover, that’s not normal couple stuff that’s insecurity on steroids, you dodging the calls for 20 minutes ain’t the crime she’s making it out to be
NTA
NTA. Run as fast as you can this is absolutely unhinged behavior.
NTA – why are you marrying someone who clearly doesn’t trust you and has zero impulse control? This behaviour is not going to get better OP. Please tell me she’s in therapy at least.
This is terrifying. She is controlling and actually crazy.
Can you move to a friend/family house? You need your leave,but she won’t take it well.
Protect yourself.
INFO. this feels like a missing missing reasons.
Obviously she could be unhinged, but this is written in such a way that it makes me think the gf would have an entirely different story. Why does she hate this colleague and why were you so insistent to have a drink with him? Do you have a problem with drinking? With spending too much time with work friends? Is there a history of cheating? Why, in your opinion, did she have such an unhinged reaction? This is missing a LOT of background.
Edit; and you were going to drive home 20 mins after drinking? 🤨
NTA congrats on getting engaged first, so that you could find out that she’s batshit crazy.
I feel like you’re leaving out a lot of context to get a Nta from the echo chamber.
How did she know where you were?
Leave this toxic behavior now. She will only get worse.
I had a very close friend who got married to someone like this. He wasn’t able to hang out or even chat or his wife would get mad. It ruined our friendship and the marriage didn’t last anyways.
This is either a deal breaker, or something you have to fix with therapy before marriage. NTA
Myself being married for 30 years this is not a good beginning to married life. You need friends and she needs friends to spend time with apart from each other. Once married it won’t get better.
Context is missing
My late husband and I had friends, a couple, that always had to do stuff together. Well, that was how the wife felt. She “allowed” him to bowl with us on Friday nights, so she could go to bars at that time. Only time he really got to do something without her.
My husband and I did plenty of things together but had separate interests as well. No checking in unless necessary for safety (think mountain biking, hiking in mountains, etc.)
She ended up cheating with someone from those Friday night bars, and they divorced.
We were married 43 years when he died.
Just saying… …
INFO do you have a past history of saying that you’re having a drink with friends and then staggering home hours later, totally drunk? Or driving drunk?
That wouldn’t excuse the unhinged behavior but it would explain the massive escalation. NTA in either case, and you guys honestly should probably try to find different partners, this doesn’t sound like you’re compatible enough to get married.
ESH you gave her a timeline and last minute adjusted it. Then you keep dragging it out. How many times have you done this in the past to create insecurities in her? Is that the reason for the location sharing?
She’s the AH for showing up. If it’s a repeated pattern with you and you keep breaking her trust, then she needs to set a boundary for herself and stick to it.
Doesn’t sound like you like her much either.
Info: do you have a history of lying, cheating, or alcohol issues?
You’re in an abusive relationship. This level if control is unhealthy. You will resent it later, and it will get worse. It’s a parade of red flags. Dump her or at least demand she get intensive therapy for her control issues.
NTA and I would be seriously rethinking this relationship. It does not sound like its out of the ordinary and will definitely continue to escalate. You don’t have a partner, you apparently have a warden/keeper/parent.
Oh boy, there’s trouble in your future.
NTA This is abuse and it will escalate. Controlling behavior doesn’t just go away. She needs therapy.
INFO
Now looking at others replies that’s a good question. How is your relationship otherwise? For all we know you may have a history of staying out late and not calling and we don’t know.
NTA, take the ring back and lock up your personal sentimental items and get camera’s and break up with her. She seems like the type that will destroy your things. This is from my point of view because, i knew a girl like this and when she caught her bf with a person she thought by gps to this house, she spray painted his car and then called him, when he came out with the girl, it’s his cousin, she came with her family, to catch up. That girl was crazy. This will get worse and escalate. Run
Your fiance is more than a bit unhinged in my opinion. Unless you have done something to seriously cause her not to trust you this behavior is not normal at all. Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life?
I would run. Obviously she is insecure, immature and controlling.
You two should not get married. Her trust issues are huge.
If you actually did something to lose her trust, this is not the way to fix the relationship.
If you didn’t, then she needs to do a lot of hard work – ALONE – to get to a healthier place.
NTA – Based on the information given to us, I’d say you did a good job of keeping her informed and including her by inviting her over.
Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean she gets to control your life.
Run dude.
NTA. I would break off the engagement. She doesn’t trust you. Where there is no trust, there is no love. You’re setting yourself up for a hard road if you marry her.
Based on the above NTA. And now that you know what she’ll do, turn off your location too.
Whatever is going on here is not healthy and you two need to call it quits. I’m inclined to believe your fiancé needs intensive therapy. 5+ calls and then showing up to collect you is not acceptable. Even if this story is missing a lot of background and she has good reasons not to trust you, she’s not behaving in a way that’s healthy for her. This relationship isn’t good for her either.
NTA. Plans can change. Do you have to be home at the exact same time every day? Does she act like this if you don’t? I mean, you went to a colleague’s home but she was later invited and said NO. What?
>We’ve had arguments in the past about trust and her feeling uncomfortable with me seeing friends or colleagues without her. She’s said before that she doesn’t like feeling left out or uncertain about where I am or who I’m with
Why? Have you cheated? If no, there is no reason to doubt you, because yes, this IS controlling behavior and significant insecurity that is really on her.
You will not “build trust” with location sharing. You will just open yourself up to more abuse (“Why have you been at XY???”)
NTA
NTA, you’re an adult and should expect some degree of autonomy or agency, are you prepared for this to get worse once you’re married?
This is soo abusive. Yon don’t deserve to be treated like this.
NTA. The fact that you were constantly updating her about exactly about how long you’ll be at work, when you’ll leave, how long the meeting is, that you were going to network for a bit at a co-worker’s house, how long that would take… Honestly, all red flags before you even got to her showing up. Run for the hills. This woman doesn’t have red flags because she is a red flag.
NTA. This is disturbing behavior. I would definitely be letting her know that I need a break and to rethink relationship. You communicated with her and they’re was no reason for her to show up and drag you home like your a teenager who snuck out.
NTA
End this relationship. She is so controlling and unhinged that she literally showed up like your mommy to drag you home.
Yea, she’s abusive. NTA. Of a man went to a woman’s friend’s house and made we come home Reddit would be up in arms. Get out yesterday dude.
NTA. Sounds to me like she is about to be an ex-fiance, or at least should be.
Are you leaving anything out of this story though?
Odd that you would go over to a co. Worker’s house for drinks of the opposite sex. You’re already add a place having drinks and you were at a line for going there in the first place.
ESH
She is super controlling, and turning your phone off to ignore your partner is rude.
Yes, you should be looking at this differently. YWNTA for doing what you did, but you would be by staying with this bat shit crazy psycho.
ESH. She’s way out of line showing up to get you like you’re a toddler, but the timing you’ve given doesn’t add up to me. You should just be honest and say you’re going to be late which you clearly were. Just from your own retelling you were already minimally at the time you said you’d be home when she showed up. I also wonder if she was waiting for you for a reason? Like had you made plans with her?
He behavior was unhinged. I question whether there’s been infidelity in the past or if you are consistently late when she’s waiting for you. NTA for this although it sounds like there was no way you were going to be on time and she probably knew it
But more importantly, there’s no trust in your relationship which means it’s over
Updateme
Info: was she waiting for you to come back to do something? Do you have a history of going missing?
Honestly your behavior of reporting to your wife like she’s your manager says a lot about the relationship. “I’ll be here from here to here, then I’m going here, finish this and I’ll be home at this time.” What is she your drill sergeant ? I let my wife know when I’ll be home and if plans change I shoot a text saying I’ll be home later or whatever. Seems like you’ve been being overly controlled from the beginning
NTA. This is unhinged behavior, OP. Do not marry this woman
NTA and she’s completely inappropriate. You’re excusing her insecure and controlling behaviour. You need to pause wedding planning and go through counselling to sort out your issues. You are not ready to be married to each other.
NTA. You weren’t late, you updated her the entire time, she had confirmation of who you were with and why, and she still showed up to demand you come home? This is super controlling behavior. You followed every agreed upon guideline and she still reacted that strongly? Again, you weren’t even late! Even if she had plans or something important to talk about, this was out of line.
I kinda think you both are out of line.
You said you would be home 7:30. At 7:15 you get a call from her and say you will be heading home after you finish your drink. Which Im assuming was alcoholic?
She then called 2 more times and you fail to mention how long between these calls, at any rate 2 calls would put it past 7:15.
15-20 minutes later she showed up (7:30 at least), at this point you shouldve already been at home or at least have left and you wouldnt still be there.
So first you were planning on driving home under the influence? If yes this gives you an AH point.
I do think shes reacting a bit OTT driving over there practically as soon as you guys ended the call, but you dont exactly say what time this was.
I was thinking that maybe she came to stop you from drinking and driving, but she was wanting you to drive home first so I lean towards the jealousy
She doesnt like this colleague, and Id ask why? is this a female colleague that shes jealous/threatened by, a male colleague that has made passes at her or simply been an AH in some way? I mean if theres a valid reason for them to not like them and you know why then you hanging out with them could be seen as a betrayal.
What you did say and gloss over was her initial call was she was waiting for you, as in Dinner ready/sexy time and you brushed it off like it didnt matter. This might have been the trigger.
NTA Marriage is not supposed to be your one and only relationship. You both need to have social lives outside one another. This will strengthen your own bond as well as keep you individually strong. Too much time together can poison any relationship. I will use my parents and their friend group as an example; they have all been married for over 55 years now. Over the course of my life I have seen both my mother and my father take separate vacations. They have taken vacations with each other as well, leaving the kids with friends or family. And of course we had yearly family vacations, this all made us appreciate each other more. My parents are all in the same friend circles, but they have activities that they do without their spouses.
You were an individual before you were a couple, and you are still an individual. You both have to give yourselves space and time to be individuals. This is a key thing to keep marriages together for the long haul.
RED FLAG! RED FLAG! Trust issues! Abort abort. Also, turn off your tracking on your phone.
NTA
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
NTA. That’s…completely unhinged. As a wife of 26+ years who does not require my husband to share his location, here’s how I would’ve handled that situation if I were your fiancée: I would’ve texted my husband ONCE at 8:30p, if he hadn’t been in contact with me to say he’s going to be staying a little longer, just to make sure he’s okay. That’s because he comes home when he says he will and he’ll always lets me know if his plans have changed. If I didn’t receive a response to my text within 30 minutes, then I would have called him.
Calling you repeatedly while you were with a colleague was ridiculous. Demanding you come home because she doesn’t want you to do anything without her presence/permission was insane. Stalking your phone location and showing up to your colleague’s house to drag you home like you were an unruly teen who missed curfew is absolutely unhinged. She embarrassed you by acting like a lunatic. OP, I hope you realize just how toxic this behavior is before you commit to a lifetime of it.
And turn off your location sharing unless you want an encore performance.
NTA – she sounds unhinged, insufferable, and controlling as hell. Cut her loose and enjoy your life.
She’s cheating on you and projecting. Run. Run. Away.
NTA, but she is showing you what the rest of your life is going to be like. It’s your call if that is what you want.
If this is typical of her behavior, run and don’t look back. If this is new, maybe some premarital counseling but this needs to be addressed as it will only get worse once married and again when kids arrive.
If this isn’t a sign , what is ? She’s not your mom, and obviously, you aren’t a child . If you comply with this behavior, next thing you know, she’ll be giving you an allowance out of your own earnings and also a curfew. This isn’t a good relationship for either of you , don’t back out slowly, just walk away as fast as you can . Hopefully, you are thinking about your choice to live this way. If you were a female, would you want to be controlled by your mate and embarrassed in this way . Hope you have a wonderful life with your choices
Don’t marry her.
NTA, unless you have a history of behaviors that would reasonably make her suspicious, this is WAYYYYYY too controlling. People are allowed to hang out with friends and coworkers without their partner present. That’s normal. Unless you’re neglecting your relationship and other responsibilities, there’s absolutely no reason for her go be upset about it. You communicated what you were doing, where you were going, and who you were with which imo is plenty and she should have left it at that. She needs serious therapy before she’s ready for a relationship because this isn’t healthy or fair to you.
Nike, adidas, puma make good running shoes. Buy one and run!
Stop ruining your life. This behaviour is never going to change
ESH