Throwaway for obvious reasons. My husband and I married 2 years ago and we agreed to keep our finances separated. There were 2 reasons for this. For one he made more at the time and I was in a layoff prone industry. So he said he didn’t want to be responsible for the household if I’m laid off.
I agreed because my likely income would outstrip him quickly due to my industry paying better but it’s also more risky. We also agreed to split the expenses 50/50 and just save and invest for ourselves. The other reason I agreed was because he likes to make risky bets, margin calls and things like that. I don’t know much about it I just invest in indexes like VOO since I’m not well versed in picking stocks. This allows me to invest without the stress of his stock picks. We have a prenup signed on this with both lawyers reviewing. The only stipulation is he is responsible for household expenses up to a year if I’m pregnant and take unpaid maternity.
Well last year he lost about 60k in a margin call. He was crying and I thought it was the end of his risky bets but that’s on him to decide. I still have my investments and I took vacation without him last year because he said he needs to recover his savings and couldn’t go. It was a girls trip so he wasn’t upset by it. This year I’m also going on vacation to New Zealand and see some family that I haven’t seen since prepandemic. He got upset when I told him because he said he was still trying to recover from that 60k loss from last year.
I reminded him we agreed to keep things separated for a reason but he said I should have more sympathy for him since he just lost what is nearly after tax earnings. He said I should be paying for him portion of the trip since he kindly will pay for us if I have a child which we were planning on. I told him that was in the prenup but nothing in the prenup says I need to pay for him vacation if he loses his money gambling which he argues back isn’t gambling and I just don’t understand what he is doing. I ended up going and telling him he can take back the maternity if he wants but then I’m not having a child because he broke the terms of our prenup and we are still arguing about it. AITA here?
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Throwaway for obvious reasons. My husband and I married 2 years ago and we agreed to keep our finances separated. There were 2 reasons for this. For one he made more at the time and I was in a layoff prone industry. So he said he didn’t want to be responsible for the household if I’m laid off.
I agreed because my likely income would outstrip him quickly due to my industry paying better but it’s also more risky. We also agreed to split the expenses 50/50 and just save and invest for ourselves. The other reason I agreed was because he likes to make risky bets, margin calls and things like that. I don’t know much about it I just invest in indexes like VOO since I’m not well versed in picking stocks. This allows me to invest without the stress of his stock picks. We have a prenup signed on this with both lawyers reviewing. The only stipulation is he is responsible for household expenses up to a year if I’m pregnancy and deliver.
Well last year he lost about 60k in a margin call. He was crying and I thought it was the end of his risky bets but that’s on him to decide. I still have my investments and I took vacation without him last year because he said he needs to recover his savings and couldn’t go. This year I’m also going on vacation to New Zealand and see some family that I haven’t seen since prepandemic. He got upset when I told him because he said he was still trying to recover from that 60k loss from last year.
I reminded him we agreed to keep things separated for a reason but he said I should have more sympathy for him since he just lost what is nearly after tax earnings. He said I should be paying for him portion of the trip since he kindly will pay for us if I have a child which we were planning on. I told him that was in the prenup but nothing in the prenup says I need to pay for him vacation if he loses his money gambling which he argues back isn’t gambling and I just don’t understand what he is doing. I ended up going and telling him he can take back the maternity if he wants but then I’m not having a child because he broke the terms of our prenup and we are still arguing about it. AITA here?
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> I might be the asshole for going on vacation action and not paying for my husband after he lost a bunch of money
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA definitely don’t have a child with him!
NTA. I pray I never find a love like this though.
NTA. He offered nothing in consideration for the change of the maternity rider so I would recommend speaking to your lawyer to see if you need to do anything to memorialize or rescind what would have to otherwised be consider purely gratuitous.
Y’all are business partners, hardly lovers. Since he’s the dummy that wanted to keep finances separate and do everything 50/50…NTA
If it wasn’t for his preference for risky type investments I would probably think that you were TA for not treating your marital finances as just that, marital. However, because his is so into risky investments and because he basically insisted on the prenup I think that you are NTA at all.
This is the way that he wanted things. He cannot just change his mind when things are not going so well for him.
If you were laid off & didn’t have much savings, would you expect him to take you on vacation?
For me, I didn’t think either of you are obligated to do so with how your finances are set up
But I don’t really understand not wanting my spouse to be with me because I absolutely love sharing good experiences with him. I can’t imagine having fun without him
nah you’re not the asshole, y’all set clear boundaries with the separate money thing and he’s only mad now cuz his risky plays backfired, that’s not on you. taking your own vacation with your own funds doesn’t make you heartless, it just means you’re not signing up to bail him out every time he takes an L. dude can’t call it “not gambling” when he blew 60k and then try to guilt trip you into footing his fun, that’s not how the deal was set up.
Don’t be married to someone you don’t trust enough to combine finances with. If you can’t trust him with your bank account, why trust sharing DNA with him in a child? To be clear, I wouldn’t trust him either, if he’s losing 60k in margins and whining about it!
nah you’re good, he knew what the deal was when y’all set up the prenup and kept money separate, he can’t suddenly switch it up now that he lost big. you didn’t cause his 60k loss, and it’s not your job to cover his vacations while he’s trying to dig himself out. calling it “not gambling” doesn’t change the fact that he rolled the dice and it tanked, so don’t let him guilt trip you for sticking to the rules y’all agreed on.
ESH. You two need to get on the same page when it comes to finances. You act like you don’t even like him and he is making risky bets. You two need to set up a joint account and two separate “fun” accounts for mall things. Big spending besides daily expenses should be a joint decision. Also, realistically, your debt is his debt and he needs to recognize how he hurt you two and set your marriage back. Also, don’t threaten not to have a kid with him out of spite. That’s just nasty.
NTA, but I don’t understand why you two are married considering that you don’t seem to like or trust each other very much and don’t see yourselves as a team.
As one who is quite versed in investing, your investments are far more sensible than his. He makes extraordinarily risky bets that are far too big compared to what he has to invest. You went on your girls trip funded with your own money. NTA
BTW, you should check out the Bogleheads sub. You’ll fit right in.
NTA, but respectfully, what do you get out of this “marriage” because this just sounds like a transactional relationship my god. I wouldn’t have a child with this person regardless.
NTA but why are you in this marriage? This man already went through the vows and scratched out ‘for richer, for poorer’ what’s next? What if you get sick? What if you need more than a year off after having a child? Is he going to support you?
This man loves gambling so much it seems like he made another speculative bet: that he would get more from the marriage than he needs to put in. Do you really want yo be with someone who tallies up your life together like it’s a balance sheet?
NTA but doesn’t seem like a marriage to me. Also he was TA first for wanting to keep finances seperate and now he is a sour loser as things didn’t go his way.
Please reconsider having a child with him as there doesn’t seem to be any warmth in your relation just dealings
NTA, but I don’t think you are compatiable.
You married someone who …. Doesn’t want to support you if you lose your job???
Wow. Low bar.
He took a huge risk and now he can’t afford to go. Unless you can easily absorb the cost I wouldn’t pay for him either. Dude needs to mature.
NTA. But why are you married to this dummy?
ESH
It sounds like you guys are just roommates with extra steps.
Why in the world are you two even married?
NTA. For him to be free to gamble, you need to be free of the consequences of his losses. That’s the deal.
He lost $60k gambling. Oops. Not your fault.
ESH. Get a divorce. You are not operating like household and having a child is going to make this a 1000 times worse. When he has a bad fiscal year will you and baby just go to Disney without him? That’s not how families operate so this will never last. You shouldn’t have married him when he said he didn’t want to be responsible for the household in case of a layoff. That’s weird and doesn’t make any sense. If this is your person, divorce, live your separate but aligned lives and never have kids because that is a joint venture.
ESH. You guys both sound like you’re selfish assholes.
NTA, I guess. The rule/boundaries were established. Though I don’t know if I like either of you that much.
NTA. You didn’t lose 60k gambling on margin calls, he did. Separate finances mean your vacation is your business. He can’t pick and choose when the prenup matters just because he’s salty about his losses.
You are both the AH’s. Sorry, but it sounds like you have more of a business arrangement than a marriage.
I guess the question is – if the situation was reversed would your husband cover you? That just seems so harsh, your husband didnt lose the money gambling, he lost it in an investment – that could happen to anyone. To have such little caring for your own spouse? I could never make my husband feel that way and I know he would never make me feel that small. We’ve been married for almost 45 years so I guess we’re doing something right.
Nta
He was so concerned with protecting himself that he pushed this prenup and now the chickens have come home to roost.
/World’s smallest violin
So, he was okay with this situation and allowing you to hurt if you lost your job (not a very good person) but now he is hurting he doesn’t like that very much. Honestly, this is a bit of Karma, but frankly why would you want to have a child with someone so incredibly selfish that he would cause his wife pain if she lost her job?
Ah yes the old “What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine too”
Just the thought of having a child with this person would make my skin crawl honestly
NTA. But you need to take that vacation alone and reevaluate your relationship. Sorry but your husband sounds like a loser.
Having a child and your partner covering you is not the same as covering your partner after he gambled and lost (yes, the stock market and investing is a gamble). You are sacrificing a heck of a lot more to have a child. He is just upset because he made some poor choices. NTA.
Wait–you earn different amounts but split household expenses 50/50? I’d say ESH too, but he sucks more. He sounds like a “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine” type of guy.
Why are you guys even married?
I’m in the stock market and it’s totally gambling. It’s way smarter and better odds than going to a casino, but if you’re playing around with options you can get burned. He gambled, lost, and now he’s facing the consequences of his actions.
He’s the one who wanted to keep finances separate because he probably assumed he’s a brilliant investor who was going to make millions and didn’t want to share with you, but now he’s realizing he’s not as smart as he thinks. I bet he’ll spiral and make riskier calls trying to recoup those losses and end up even further in the hole.
NTA
ESH. I get that you have divided accounts, prenup and all that. But if neither of you is willing give extra amd simopathy to the other one when he is in trouble how can you live like that? What if there is an accident, sickness or some unexpected situation. What if you have a child and can’t go back to work after 1 year, for whatever reason? How will you divide children expenses?
You could at least lend him some money so when he is in better position he can give you back…