Previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/ZYjwlZVXdL
Also on my profile.
So the events in the previous post occurred 2-3 ish days ago, and some stuff has happened since then and since I posted it as well. First of all, thank you for the people who understood what it was like and told me I shouldn’t have to clean up after another adult. That was so validating to hear. I know the tide changed a bit after, but I’m putting myself first for the first time in my life.
Some clarification first; just cuz Mark’s cousin is my boss doesn’t mean I can slack. Mark’s cousin connection helped me land a stage 1 interview. I had to go through 3-4 rounds of the interview process like every other applicant. It’s just that the company usually hires internally for my position, but I was able to come in externally cuz of Marks cousin. I only got the job after the guy they initially hired jumped ship for a better job at another company. Idk why people assumed I can skate by at my job. Plus Mark and his cousin aren’t tight, and his cousin is straight laced and direct to the point.
So after the fiasco at my workplace, where I gotta make a living, I’m chill with the security guards. As per my boss’(Marks cousin) suggestion, I handed the photos of my sister and her description to building security so that they can make sure I don’t get harassed next time, and they can threaten legal action and trespassing if she doesn’t heed to warnings of not crossing into private property.
I live in a gated apartment community, so I followed through with the same thing with the leasing/security office for them. Sure enough, the next day, she tried showing up to my apartment complex and using my code to scan in(I gave my code to my parents just in case they visit, they must’ve leaked it to her). She was escorted away, but she must’ve thought she could’ve just waited at the door. Unfortunately, was hard to hear, but she was kicking and screaming and begging them to call “her brother” and that I “still love her for sure”. Oh man it fucking hurt to hear. Did a number on me. Suffice to say, this blew up even more in the family group chat. “You got security to chase away your sister”, etc. I’m legit getting threats. My mother sent me a long ass text about how she should’ve aborted me, or prayed for a fucking miscarriage lol. One minute they’re angry I’m ignoring their calls, next minute I deserve to have never been born. And somehow, I’m the bad guy still btw.
Anyway, Mark didn’t know about any of this. She showed up to his workplace the same day she came to my apartment. Mark was respectful but said he couldn’t help her due to his mental health. He said he would try to talk to me. And yeah, he talked to me and told me if I’m “punishing” her for what she did to him, it’s not needed and I should just help my sister out. I kinda broke down and cried(yeah, yeah, I know) and told him it’s not that it’s just me putting myself first. I’m tired of having to be the one to clean up after her mess always. He understood.
As for my cousin who was supposed to come to help her; lo and behold guess who “suddenly got some work” when he realized he would have to provide financial support or a place to stay for her? That’s right, the guy who criticized me for not helping has ghosted the family!
My dad is not able to visit due to some reasons, and my mom, unknown to me guess they never wanted to mention it, is actually immobilized in her leg from a partial stroke or something(idk what it is, I just know it’s something). She can’t come cuz she can’t move and can’t afford to miss PT sessions. Had to find out through a second fucking cousin, who also called to berate me. So it’s hinging on my dad now, who’s also old and unable to travel cuz of some paperwork issue or something(once again I’m not being kept in the loop here).
I feel horrible about all of this. I hate Jared and hope he’s brought to justice, but I am in line for a promotion at work, I may be able to get my dream role. I’m putting in extra hours. I can’t afford to throw away my life or endanger everything I built for her again. Cuz even if I throw everything away to help her, I can live with it if she’s fine. But she may just go back to that fuck again. I’m putting myself first.
My friends have been shocked, but supportive. Only they get me since they saw the initial nuclear fallout I had to deal with. When(cuz it’s not an if anymore) my family cuts me off, so be it. I’m okay without them. They’ve done nothing but make me a scapegoat for all their issues(beyond this too) their entire life. I hate those parasites.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent guys and sorry for not having a more positive update. Hopefully my last update on the situation. I wanna just live my life and focus on myself.
Comments
You’re doing the right thing. She is an adult and she made her bed, she can sleep in it. You are not obligated to help anyone clean up a mess they got themselves into, family or not. And you’re right. What’s the point of endangering everything for you’ve worked to build for her if there’s a chance she’s gonna run back into Jared’s arms? She had a chance for a healthy relationship with Mark, seems like that’s not the dynamic she prefers.
Keep your friends close bro. Remember, family is not blood, it’s the people you CHOOSE. They’re your chosen family. They’ll be there for you thick and thin. Don’t consider the people you share blood with anything more than that; just people you happen to share blood with. Disgusting comments your mother made. I’m happy you’re here bro, and your friends are too, fuck the rest.
Hope you get that promotion bro 🫡 and live your best life and put this behind you. She can take care of herself, and if anyone tries to condemn your actions, they can feel free to step up lol. Jared deserves to be punished, but it’s not your obligation to do that.
The fact that no body told you about your parent’s condition until they needed to throw it in your face means it wasn’t important. But you should just start blocking numbers as they will never change their behavior. But you shouldn’t blame yourself for mark not dating anyone anymore because that’s his choice. He’s holding himself accountable to his own poor choices and decisions that lead to him getting cheated on
Next time your sister shows up, can you just drop her off on a bus/train back to your parents home? Then, she’d finally be their problem.
Agree with the commenters below – you’re handling this way better than most people would. And I’m glad to hear that your boss is good with you? He had the right idea about giving her picture & description to the security desk.
Is there any way to clear your name with some of your colleagues? Is there someone in your workplace that you trust, that you can take out for coffee and explain it all/get their help?
NTA- Your sister is not ready to get help. If you help her again you are gonna torpedo your life & she’s gonna go back to that POS after he promises her the stars and the moon & how he’s changed & can’t live w/o her. Tell the flying monkeys that they’re welcome to pitch in & buy her a ticket home to be w/your parents; that you think it’s best she put a lot of distance w/the POS. See how quickly they’ll either ghost your family or come up w/excuses why they can’t do that. Unfortunately u can’t help your sister until she wants help.
It’s hard to stick to your boundaries. But you are handling it so well. Your parents could’ve ask around family to buy her ticket to your „home” country and make sure she is safe. So it’s on them. There is like gazyllion solutions for this situation without putting you at risk again.
She messed up, you told her what will happens if she comes back running to that twat. I do like that she is facing consequences of her stupid actions. Maybe that will teach her that nobody will serve world on silver plate.
I was with abuser for years. It took my own action and want to get myself free from his grasps. She got to reach this stage.
You need to move. Go NC with these people before they blow up your life and destroy your career.
I say this as a former DV victim.
I know you think saying no is enough but it’s not. These people should not have any info about you.
This is far from over. You need to be super careful. Get cameras and move when possible. Document everything.
You may think this is a just a family issue but these people can seriously harm your career. Stay away from them and only keep channels of communication open to document harassment.
Hand over those text to the police for harrasment, set the text and call to be ignored, and talk with a lawyer for step for a C&D letter.
You need to stop putting so much stock into how others view you. You are doing what’s right by you. You don’t owe anyone anything. This is not your problem. Don’t let friends and family pressure you into taking her back in
NTA you helped her once even though it put you in danger. It’s hard to help people in abusive relationships especially when you are put in danger and there is a chance they could go back to the abuser again. It’s a difficult situation but she needs to file a police report and seek assistance from an abuse organisation.
You are handling this like a man. Your sister is an adult so she has to figure her own shit out and not expect you to bail her out, AGAIN. Also, if I were you I would cut off my mother too after what she said.
Good luck to you.
Updateme
You did help her the last time, I am guessing on your own with no help from your family. She repaid that help with hurting a good person that you loved and going back to a toxic relationship. Many times people do this for the attention, put themselves is terrible situations over and over and demand others get them out it to prove that you love them, that they come first. I am not saying that she wants him to hurt her, but she does know it is a possibility and if that happens her brother will prove his love to get her out of the situation. Your family knows she is a lot and they don’t want to deal with it so they put it on your shoulders and this is not ok. I would suggest you write hand written letters to them detailing your feelings and why you are stepping away. She is not your child or your responsibility.