I (23M) have been dating my girlfriend (22F) for about 6 months. We did not have the smoothest start. I was still seeing someone else when we first met, she found out, and we took a break. That was my fault and since then I have put the effort in to rebuild trust. Things have been good between us.
A couple of months ago we both moved. She started a Master’s and got a place with her best friend. I work full-time and wanted to be closer to the city. She actually helped me find a really nice flat through a friend, but it was a 2-bed so I needed a flatmate to afford it. The only person who worked out on short notice was a woman I found online. My girlfriend was not thrilled, but the lease deadline was coming up and I did not really have another choice. It was not me picking a female flatmate on purpose, it was just the only way I could take the flat.
Since then my girlfriend has been uneasy. She says it makes her feel weird when we do totally normal flatmate stuff, like chatting in the kitchen or watching something in the living room. Once my flatmate left some candy on my bed as a small gift, and my girlfriend admitted it set her off with jealousy. To me it was just a nice, harmless gesture.
For context:
• There is no flirting or anything like that between me and my flatmate.
• I spend the majority of my free time with my girlfriend, not my flatmate.
• My flatmate and I get along fine, but it is just normal co-living.
The problem is that if I mention my flatmate, my girlfriend gets annoyed or suspicious. If I do not mention her, I feel guilty like I am hiding parts of my day. I do not want to dismiss how my girlfriend feels, but I also do not want to walk on eggshells in my own flat.
AITA for keeping this living arrangement, or is it fair to expect my girlfriend to work through those feelings herself?
EDIT : Female flatmate also told me once about her past relationships and that she was in an open one, which made my gf very unhappy and this came up while she was asking me for advice about guys. Not sure I was at fault for listening and giving advice, gf thinks otherwise.
EDIT : We weren’t exclusive when I “cheated” we went on one date and the other girl got mad at me for seeing other people. I made up for it though, sorry if that wasn’t clear.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I (23M) have been dating my girlfriend (22F) for about 6 months. We did not have the smoothest start. I was still seeing someone else when we first met, she found out, and we took a break. That was my fault and since then I have put the effort in to rebuild trust. Things have been good between us.
A couple of months ago we both moved. She started a Master’s and got a place with her best friend. I work full-time and wanted to be closer to the city. She actually helped me find a really nice flat through a friend, but it was a 2-bed so I needed a flatmate to afford it. The only person who worked out on short notice was a woman I found online. My girlfriend was not thrilled, but the lease deadline was coming up and I did not really have another choice. It was not me picking a female flatmate on purpose, it was just the only way I could take the flat.
Since then my girlfriend has been uneasy. She says it makes her feel weird when we do totally normal flatmate stuff, like chatting in the kitchen or watching something in the living room. Once my flatmate left some candy on my bed as a small gift, and my girlfriend admitted it set her off with jealousy. To me it was just a nice, harmless gesture.
For context:
• There is no flirting or anything like that between me and my flatmate.
• I spend the majority of my free time with my girlfriend, not my flatmate.
• My flatmate and I get along fine, but it is just normal co-living.
The problem is that if I mention my flatmate, my girlfriend gets annoyed or suspicious. If I do not mention her, I feel guilty like I am hiding parts of my day. I do not want to dismiss how my girlfriend feels, but I also do not want to walk on eggshells in my own flat.
AITA for keeping this living arrangement, or is it fair to expect my girlfriend to work through those feelings herself?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I chose to live with my female flatmate even though my girlfriend was unhappy.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
Your girlfriend is really insecure. It’s not your fault ofc, but watch out for the future if she has problems with you interacting with other girls.
NTA – you can live with whoever you want. the issue is how you live with them. i get why she would be suspicious, but if she’s being set off by a person giving you candy, she doesn’t sound like she’s ready for a relationship – no disrespect to her. perhaps sit down with her and explain that there are boundaries between you and your roommate?
NTA – your girlfriend needs to work on her jealousy
NTA for having a female flatmate, though I can see why she’s a little iffy, given your rocky start.
She does need to have a proper sit down with you and express what *exactly* it is about the fact that there’s a girl there that bothers here, and then maybe you can address it together.
Maybe even see if the two girls can hang out one on one and get to know one another, start up a friendship with them!
But if she starts blaming your roommate for doing normal roommate things and she’s perceiving it as her “flirting”, then you might want to reconsider a future with her, if any sort of casual friendship of the other sex is going to set off Jealousy.
Essentially she doesn’t trust you because you literally started your relationship by lying and cheating. You’ll need to discuss it with her, but unless you can fully win her trust back, she’ll always be uncomfortable and suspicious. (Also shitty move starting a relationship whilst still being involved with someone else).
NTA she needs to work on her insecurity.
YTA. Trust was broken cause of you, you have to re-build it so yes you are the AH for thinking its “fair” that she work through your shattering of trust herself.
Probably going to get downvoted, but soft ESH. you state in the first paragraph that you basically cheated on her. i would be uneasy in her position too, but that doesn’t mean you need to find a new living situation.
maybe it’s time to call it quits.
Girl here, your gf is right to have her suspicions and feel uneasy. As a girl, if i were to leave candy on someone’s bed, it would definitely mean something more than friendship. I can see you are trying to be loyal, but i guess your mind filters out the signs that your flatmate is flirting with you. Now that i think about it, it’s slightly similar to a love island scenario. How would you feel if your gf lived with a guy that is all friendly and brings candy to her bedroom? You need to either not interact with your flatmate almost at all, find someone else or figure something else out. Hope your gf can help with some ideas and boundaries for you.
ESH.
You should have been transparent that you were seeing someone else when you met your girlfriend. This type of thing does plant a seed of doubt.
On her end however, if she can’t trust you she shouldn’t date you, and trying to police your normal interactions with your flatmate is terrible behavior.
Honestly if I were you I’d break up, and act with more integrity with future partners so you can know with certainty when one of them is being unreasonable.
You’re NTA but your previous indiscretion with staring something with her while you were still involved with someone else is the root of this. She decided to forgive you and stay, so it is on her to heal that and not let the past live in her mind, however that makes me a LITTLE understanding of her finding it hard to trust the situation.
NAH. She does have every reason not to trust you, so you need to work to change that. That said, not sure what else you can do about the living situation.
I mean, ESH. Its not like she has no reason to think you would cheat on her, since that’s how you two started dating. You’ve proven you’re capable of cheating and lying to her about it. That said, if its something she’s so uncomfortable with that you can’t even mention the person youre living with then she shouldn’t put that on you.
NTA but your gf is edging into that territory. Jealousy where it isn’t warranted by any behavior in your part is unfair to you and stressful for you both. I realize she can’t just turn it off but she needs to do some self reflection and ask herself if she trusts you.
However, you need to be self aware and think about how you talk about her. I’m not suggesting you filter it but does your tone of voice brighten up or sound different when you talk about her? I will say little gifts on your bed is an edging a bit into her overstepping. I find it questionable that your flatmate came into your room at all. Maybe that’s just me but I consider my room private and I wouldn’t want anyone coming in there when I’m not there unless there’s some sort of emergency.
NTA if this is the full and complete story, sometimes it’s not
You started the relationship cheating on her and wonder why she’s jealous? NAH, but you both probably need therapy.
Jealousy is so unattractive, but you kind of caused it, so I guess that it is what it is.
Unsalvageable.
NTA
So you were basically cheating on your ex-girlfriend with your current girlfriend until the current girlfriend found out (not that you told her, she found out). Am I getting that right?
In that case, absolutely YTA but not for your living arrangement, but for being a shitty person. Your girlfriend is insecure because you’re not to be trusted.
I’m going to say that guys are often incredibly oblivious to when girls are hitting on them, but other girls can recognize it immediately. It’s very possible your flatmate is into you and you have no idea, but your girlfriend sees the signs.
YTA
Yea I’d never be okay with my boyfriend living with a girl. It’s not because I wouldn’t trust him or because I’m insecure I just would never allow any opportunity for cheating to happen. You can completely mitigate this by just simply not living with a girl. You made your gf uncomfortable at the beginning of the relationship so I can’t really blame her for her logic. Also her not being okay with this isn’t just her being insecure and jealous. She’s totally justified to have this boundary that she doesn’t want you living with a girl ESPECIALLY since the relationship started with cheating and lies. If you aren’t cool with this boundary she put in place you shouldn’t be with her.
Lastly the candy on the bed sounds sus like someone said on this thread.
YTA in this case. Normally I would say you should be able to tolerate your SO living with roommates of any sex. But you have proven yourself untrustworthy by essentially being in another relationship for a time. You didn’t disclose you were seeing someone else until your GF found out. Would you have told her if she hadn’t?
I think her suspicions are warranted and your case is right to make a fuss about your having a female roommate. Earn back that trust.
NAH. You were not faithful to her so setting up strict boundaries isn’t an unreasonable request. That being said, I don’t believe in getting back with a “cheater” or person who was dishonest just to not forgive them/hold it over their heads. Neither of you are wrong for being frustrated but flatmate is making it worse entering your room leaving gifts on the bed.
Unfortunately it doesn’t seem like you and her can be friends and while you’re in this relationship. If your gf means that much to you maybe that’s a sacrifice you’re willing to make because you’re the reason she doesn’t trust you.
A long conversation is needed about what can be done to establish trust and expectations for living with this woman while being in the relationship. She needs to lay off the suspicious and trust you but you and roommate should be making it easy on her. Staying out of your room is a pretty basic request and if not being her friend seems reasonable and easy enough to you then that’s an option as well.
YTA. You completely betrayed her trust and a few months later you expect her to act and feel as if it never happened. Trust doesn’t work that way.
ETA- If living with a female roommate was truly your only choice then that part is what it is, but you earned her distrust, and you’re responsible for the resulting discomfort.
Yta. You’re totally within your rights to live with a girl and normally I’d take your side, but the problem is I can’t fault your girlfriend because it’s not like she has much reason to trust you. What I can’t figure out is why you’re still together.
Leaving candy on your bed is a bit weird just saying
NTA. She needs to get her jealousy under control.
NTA. Sounds like you’re just living your life and being a normal roommate. Your girlfriend’s feelings are valid, but expecting you to move out or hide your life isn’t fair. She might need to work on her trust and jealousy rather than you walking on eggshells.
YTA ngl,if you had been faithful and truthful the entire time this can be termed insecurity and baseless jealousy.
However you were NOT.,and you made a promise to rebuild the trust and make her comfortable,doing something that makes her uncomfortable when you KNOW the reason she doesn’t trust you and making HER look insecure asf right after YOU cheating is top tier mental gymnastics.
That being said,in any other situation she has no right to decide who you live with and who you dont,but actively choosing to share a flat with someone of the opposite sex while you can easily get one with someone else (Im assuming you are straight) is just really sus ngl,top that off with you already lying and cheating on her and its damn near unbearable.
Hey I’m a girl who lives with a boy! This hasn’t caused issues in my relationship because I’ve never given my partner cause for concern, you on the other hand STARTED YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH CHEATING! Your baseline is you’re a cheater and liar, so yeah your gf has every reason not to trust you!
Normally this situation wouldn’t be cause for concern but YOU sir are cause for concern. YTA not for living with a girl but for giving your girlfriend plenty of reason to be suspicious. You’ve done it before, why wouldn’t you do it again
If this is the full story, NTA. I’m surprised by some of the comments. I don’t think the candy thing is weird – I’m a woman and do that for my (women) roommates all the time. I’d do it if I lived with a man, too. It’s just nice to share treats sometimes. I think leaving it on the bed is weird, but that’s only because I think it’s weird to go in someone’s room when they’re not there.
I’ve had boyfriends who lived with women, it didn’t bother me because they were friendly – not every woman in close proximity to a man is an opportunity to cheat. I don’t like the comments here that insinuate that when she’s just a woman coexisting with a man and being nice to him. It just sounds like your girlfriend might be a little insecure, but maybe ask her why. Like I genuinely believe men and women can just be friends, can she? Is it just because you live with a woman or does she feel this way about other women in your life? Has she been cheated on before?
However, if your roommate does get flirty, you need to tell your girlfriend ASAP and with complete honesty, and maybe make plans to leave if you shut it down and it continues. If YOU get flirty with her, your girlfriend was right and you need to reconsider all sides.
FWIW I also think it’s normal to talk about relationship things with a flatmate. I don’t think you betrayed her trust by listening, but maybe try to read between the lines. Maybe your flatmate is being suggestive. Maybe you are right and she isn’t. Just proceed with caution and be honest with your girlfriend every step of the way.
The bottom line here is if there is no trust in the relationship, there is no relationship. Ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with a girl who will question your motives in every situation where another female is present? That’s a lot of work and stress for you. Is this the future you want? Where you’re in trouble if another female talks to you or smiles at you or heaven forbid, is nice to you? It sounds like the girl you are dating is immature, insecure or both. These are not qualities that get better with time. Rethink if this is really the girl you want to tie yourself to.
>dating my girlfriend for about 6 months
>we did not have the smoothest start. I was still seeing someone when we first met…I have put the effort in to rebuild trust.
My man, you’ve been together 6 months and you’re already trying to “rebuild trust.” Doesn’t sound good.
NAH but I don’t see this working out. While you may not be overtly pursuing your flatmate, your gf has perfectly valid reasons not to trust you.
Simple test. Would you be ok with your girlfriend living with a guy who just casually happens to mention that he’s cool with open relationships?
If yes, NTA. If no…sorry but I don’t believe you.
INFO: Did you mislead your gf into thinking you weren’t seeing other people when you started dating? Or was it just a situation where your expectations weren’t on the same page until you had a discussion about it?
Either way, there’s nothing innately wrong with having a roommate of the opposite gender. If the issues started because your gf made the assumption you were exclusive, you didn’t know that, and she subsequently insisted that was “cheating,” then you’ve got a much bigger issue on your hands. If there was no lying or actual cheating on your part, it sounds like your girlfriend is going to get jealous or weird when you’re around ANY women. How is she going to deal with you having female friends? Female co-workers? Being around your friends’ girlfriends? Really think this through.
Ok, so you didn’t cheat when you first met your now-gf, you were just dating the field a bit. But she didn’t like that. Also, that “when we first met” is doing a LOOOOOOT of work in that scenario, too. Especially since it was followed with “she found out.”
So your relationship with your gf was NOT built on a foundation of trust by any stretch, causing a short split, then you got back and started to “rebuild trust” only to turn around almost immediately thereafter and move in with a flatmate who is a woman? Who has left candy on your bed?
Mate, do you HEAR YOURSELF? You created this situation even before you moved in with your flatmate, and you think this is for your gf “to work through those feelings herself”? You’re remarkably fortunate she hasn’t just decided to be done with you, period. Obviously you’re in a lease and can’t break that right now, but you should seriously re-evaluate the situation when that clock starts to tick closer to time for renewal. Talk it out with her. If she’s not going to be OK with the arrangement, have the hard conversation about continuing the relationship or commit to finding a different apartment or something. For crying out loud, though, TALK IT OUT. TOGETHER.
YTA, definitely.
I’ll go with NAH.
You admit you had a rocky start with trust issues and that you’ve worked on it and made progress… but you’re clearly not all the way there.
You aren’t an AH for having a flat made who happens to be female and having a normal flat mate relationship. I wouldn’t say your GF is an AH for having lingering trust issues given your start.
Your options are to keep working it out and hope for the best, find a new living situation to accommodate your GF, or decide that maybe the trust just isn’t there and the relationship isn’t working out.
I will also say if you think you’re that serious, you should also consider the possibility of living together? Seems like you both recently moved but opted to not move in with each other so maybe it’s not that serious? Or you have differing priorities that you aren’t willing to compromise on to make the relationship work? Seems like you both need to consider how committed you are to this.
YTA
“Once my flatmate left some candy on my bed”
She got into your bedroom and you’re okay with it??
Okay. Uhm..
So , u have to share your apartment with that girl. And u found only her. Understandable , u dont flirt with each other . You do a normal roommate or whatever stuff.
But I understand gf too , she just feels threatened from the other girl and jealous as we can see. She has right to be cuz of previous situations. So talk it out , go to a session, or move to another place when u have the opportunity to.
But none of ya are the assholes.
Both of ya are in the right.
> If I do not mention her, I feel guilty like I am hiding parts of my day
I don’t tell my wife when I’m making coffee at work, nothing about that makes me feel guilty. I would only feel guilty if I hid something from her that I shouldn’t have done.
I think you know YTA
You putting the word cheated in quotations is showing how much you’re trying to underplay what happened. The thing about being cheater is that people are going to assume you’ll just cheat again. Your girlfriend knows that you cheated on your ex. You say that your girlfriend is ‘over that situation’ but she has every reason not to be. Your living with another chick so it’s easy for to just have another affair there where she can’t see it.
Also, the candy on the bed? You must be pretty dense because stuff like that is usually flirting, and your girlfriend has good reasons to be uncomfortable. Honestly, I say she should just go find another guy who takes her concerns seriously, but that’s just me.
Long story short, YTA
>EDIT : We weren’t exclusive when I “cheated” we went on one date and the other girl got mad at me for seeing other people. I made up for it though, sorry if that wasn’t clear.
This doesn’t make it any better lol, it still makes you seem like a shitty person. How would you feel if your gf went on one date with a girl she’s not exclusive with while still being with you?
YTA. You’re not to be trusted at all