My husband invited his friend over in the morning. The friend brought his son(12) to play with our son(8). I was up late the night before because my husband and I had had an argument over a concert. So I was not up to supervise the kids and my husband and his friend left them to their own devices.
While I was showering, the boy started harassing my daughter(13) by making annoying noises and would not stop when she asked. (On previous days, when visiting, this boy harassed her by throwing things at her and by placing a container of small, pokey toys next to her bed and then hid her knee scooter while she had a sprained ankle. When she got out of bed she hurt her feet and was very upset about the whole incident.) Anyway, the combination of the previous days and the current situation made her explode, and she punched him in the stomach. I do not condone violence and this obviously needed to be addressed.
When my husband heard what happened, he was furious with her. She was very repentant. She was hiding in her room sad, crying, and worried we all hated her now. My husband wanted to keep her from showing her rabbits in the fair the next day. This is something that she had been preparing for months. I disagreed with this punishment and my husband and I got into a huge argument over her discipline. I wanted to ground her from devices and have her apologize.
I admit that I got very heated in our discussion as I felt like a mama bear protecting her daughter. When I was in high school I was constantly bullied and harassed so I am sure I was projecting. My husband said, “You may find out about power,” as he walked out the door. Seeing red, I followed him to his office in our shop. I asked him what he meant by that comment and he said, “You may find out about where your boundaries end and where mine begin.” Once in the shop, he told me to get out of his office. I refused, saying it was half my office. He replied, “Not anymore.” I then asked how that works, did he want a divorce and split everything in half? I pointed out that he had told me in the argument the previous day that he didn’t need me and I was replaceable. I told him to go ahead and replace me but everything was half mine.
After this blow up, we talked to our daughter about not solving problems with physical violence and grounded her. She apologized and the boy accepted the apology. Despite this seeming resolution, I was still very distressed the rest of the day and cried myself to sleep. My husband was still upset at me over the original issue (the concet) and was now upset because I mentioned divorce.
The next day, my daughter went to show her rabbits. Shortly after arriving, he decided to leave. I asked him not to leave because it was important to our daughter that he watch her show and sent him text messages asking him to stay. He sent me the following message:
“I know you think I’ve pulled away. But the truth is, I’m standing where God’s Word tells me to stand. It’s you who has stepped outside the covenant, and until there’s repentance, you are standing alone. That’s not cruelty, it’s spiritual reality. And I pray you feel it, not to be shamed, but to be woken up. I can no longer even look at you. My heart is beyond broken. Everyone will pay in the wake of your destruction. You have sowed the wind.”
Then, he texted our daughter, “I’m sorry, but I can’t be around your mom any longer. Your mom has not just broken, but shattered my heart. I hope you don’t hate me.”
(I feel like I need to add a disclaimer here. I have never ever cheated on my husband or anything even remotely in that area.)
After reading his messages, my daughter burst into tears. We were sitting on the benches waiting to show her rabbits. I was trying to keep this entire argument on the downlow, but now I had to explain to her friends and their moms why my daughter was bawling right before she had to show her rabbits. Thankfully, her friends were all super supportive and cheered her up so she was able to pull herself together before her show. However, I’m really upset that he left and wouldn’t put our problems aside to support hus daughter. Did I go too far by bringing up divorce?
Comments
You’ve both royally failed your daughter by letting her be continually harassed in her own home by a guest
That’s a complicated story, but threatening divorce as a mode of argument is a loser. It’s the nuclear option and it’s use is weak. Just get the divorce.
> “I know you think I’ve pulled away. But the truth is, I’m standing where God’s Word tells me to stand. It’s you who has stepped outside the covenant, and until there’s repentance, you are standing alone.”
Ok, so your husband is a crazy person. NTA for mentioning divorce, and even better if you go through with it.
ESH
And what the hell were you two doing when she was being bullied in the place she calls home?
NTA
But you need to make plans to leave this man or commit to serious counseling, not some church directed bs that is labeled counseling.
He has shown you that he does not have your back and he believes you are totally in the wrong.
He also deliberately upset your daughter on an important day, proving he will not put the well being of your kids first when it comes to your marital issues.
He is also warping the idea of the covenant and neglecting his duties as your husband under the marriage covenant. He is trying to punish you and make you feel guilty so you will cave to him.
reading the title, I was going to say you’re the AH, but no, you should get the fuck out of there ASAP. NTA, get out. He’s threatening to hit you. Expects you to become his biblically subservient wife and already doing parental alienation. This guy is showing classic abuser signs and will beat you before this is over.
Not to mention, he didn’t do anything about what his friend’s son did to your daughter.
You are both TA.
You BOTH should be ashamed of yourself for not protecting your daughter. She was constantly being harassed, how on earth do you justify punishing her? This is self defence. She is trying to protect herself because both her parents can’t look past their ass
This boy is HURTING your daughter, and you’re thinking about your relationship? What a failure
Updateme
The question of adultery waltzed in out of nowhere and can be ignored, as it would have little to do wit the bigger problem: agreement on parenting methods. You two have had years to refine your agreed approach to discipline and you better start (again) now. For example: violence, yes or no? That didn’t first come up with the boy’s visit, it was an issue to agree on when your eldest could first throw an object in anger to get what they want.
Please work on your shared, agreed parenting methods, or build up that professional therapy for teenagers savings account.
Esh. Yall both let her get bullied. Then gets mad at her for stopping the bullying herself. Yall are shit parents.
Edit lol I see people are getting downvoted for saying using violence against a bully is okay. Yall must of never been bullied or was the bully yallselves.
Edit: I saw one of your comments about how the boys were made to apologize and were punished for prior bullying, so that’s good. But, they bullied your child again and while hitting is not the best move I can understand why she did since they clearly hadn’t learned their lesson. I don’t think these boys should be allowed to socialize with your children without supervision.
Your husband’s text is unhinged. I hope you divorce him and can take your children with you. He’s more concerned with extreme punishment when it’s his responsibility to protect his children and then he leaves when he doesn’t get his way.
You should consider ensuring with a lawyer that your husband can’t cheat you out of your fair share. His comment “not anymore” raises red flags.
NTA, terribly religious nut of a father. protect your girl, because he sure wont. why is it ok for this boy to harass her in her own house, but she gets punished for fighting back?
Everyone in this story is awful except maybe your son, who I feel bad for, being surrounded by all this chaos.
Friend’s son, let’s call him Twatly, who is a dick.
You, for not putting a stop to Twatly’s bullshit before it got to the point where your daughter felt she had to defend herself to that degree.
Husband, for being a dramatic bitch and invoking religious nonsense to justify his bullshit.
Daughter (to a VASTLY) lesser degree, for punching Twatly, who absolutely deserved it but we’re all pretending we’re civilized, these days, so yeah fine, hitting is bad.
I’d ditch the husband, if for no other reason than having to deal with dramatic bitches is exhausting and life is too short to put up with that crap for the rest of my life. But also because he, too, should have been advocating for his daughter against Twatly. His, and your, failure caused things to escalate.
That boy was bullying your daughter over an extended period of time, IN HER OWN HOME, and you both did NOTHING to protect her. I don’t care if his parents did discipline him. Your daughter needs to feel that she is safe in her space and that her parents have her back. FAIL.
That religious claptrap about “Standing in God’s Word” is absolute gaslighting. He had already told you that you were “replaceable.” How is THAT not “stepping outside the covenant?” If my husband said anything like that to me, I’d divorce his ass so fast his head would spin. And yes, I’d get half of everything.
ESH. Except your daughter.
Your husband honestly sounds insane. Gods word? WTF is he on??
Get a divorce. You’re better off away from him.
NTA
Leave, he hates you and your daughter.
JFC. You two are using her to hurt each other!! You’re both TAH!!!
Shame on both of you.Your daughter deserves better than this shitshow of a home life. Your son, too. You’re teaching them to be as awful as you. Get some fucking therapy and make amends to your daughter.
Both TA. Neither of you communicated well. If this is normal then you have a serious problem. For you it’s the going nuclear and threatening divorce. For him it’s the bat shit crazy religious nonsense.
ESH. Why is someone that is making your own daughter’s life difficult constantly around? Why can’t your husband meet his friend somewhere else? Why can’t he lay down boundaries with his friend to discipline his son to stop picking on her?
Your husband is a complete AH. Who texts their child about their marital issues? He is emotionally immature. It is not normal to be telling your child your marital issues. His comments and statements don’t make sense to me. You stepped outside the “covenant?” What your marriage… but you’ve never cheated? He’s just very emotionally immature/toxic. He chose to send the text message when he knew your daughter was going to be presenting her rabbits.
Bringing up divorce is not something light and you both should do marriage counseling with a licensed marriage counselor. Not just some counselor from church or something. I personally think your husband needs individual counseling as well. His actions and statements are not normal.
So that boy, trespassed into your daughter’s room, set a trap to harm her, and took her items. Physical violence may not be the answer, but he was very far into the wrong.
Your husband is a bastard for involving your daughter in the issues going on between the two of you. That’s on top of not supporting her after what that boy did. He was furious with her? What about what that boy did to his daughter?
NTA, your husband needs to search his religion for what it says about protecting one’s family, especially the children. He didn’t protect her from the boy, and he’s intentionally harming her emotionally to take a shot at you.
you are in the right. Your daughter has been preparing this for months, and shes 13. Shes in the middle of puberty, gossip, drama, all the horrible things tweens and teens have to deal with. This kid got on her nerves, and im not saying thats an excuse. Obviously there should be a punishment of some kind. but not what your husband wanted to do. NTA.
ESH You’ve raised your kids in a toxic environment where letting anyone with a dick do whatever they want takes priority over said boys/men taking accountability for their words and actions. Then enforce punishment when the victim explodes for daring to have feelings like a human being.
Divorce the hypocritical emotionally abused asshole and seek therapy for yourself and your kids. He’s actively weaponising your own daughter for his own ‘big man feelings’. It’s pathetic, and abusive. Him trying to use religion as an excuse is equally as pathetic because Jesus was ready to bitch slap his own disciples for not treat ANY woman with respect. And I’m an atheist.
Get the hell out. That man thinks you owe him obedience. You’re not a full person to him, and neither is your daughter. Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t recognize your inherent dignity as a human
So you both allow your daughter to be bullied in her own home, and then think its appropriate to punish her when she finally reacts instead of banning the little shit antatgonising her from your house? ESH, you’re both garbage parents. I’ll see both you and your husband on here in 10yrs wondering why your daughter won’t talk to you or let you know your grandchildren. Pathetic.
You need to get off reddit and hire professionals to sort this out.
My younger brothers loved to poke at me in little taunting ways. One time, i was sitting and eating lunch, and my brother started in on me. I warned him twice that if he kept it up, i was going to hit him. He did it again, and i hit him. I accidentally got him in the stomach. My Dad was there, and he looked at my brother and said, “She warned you, and you did not listen. What were you expecting?” Amd you know he never did that again and is a wonderful husband and father now.
Now yeah, your daughter probably shouldn’t have hurt him, but he hurt her, and she should be allowed to put a stop to it, especially because the adults here did not. You guys are failing both of your children here.
Both of you are YTA. That kid should NEVER be allowed over again! EVER! He will continue to bully your daughter and she was absolutely right to punch him because neither of you cared enough to protect her. Both you should apologize to your daughter for what she went though. She should not receive any punishment for defending herself.
lil homie got bullied in her own home until she had enough and handled it herself. obviously violence isn’t the answer, but what’s a lil 13 year old kid to do if she’s being harassed and nobody will stop it or even have a discussion about the proper way to deal with a bully?
when a kid does something they shouldn’t, the solution isn’t to revoke extracurriculars. you take their phone, their video game, their tv, whatever toy they like for fun. you don’t block your child from doing things they can add to their resume and college apps someday.
let him leave. the religious bit sounds absolutely bonkers and he probably will continue to treat his daughter, his wife, and all women like they’re second hand citizens
Good lord I hope this is fake.
Does your trad-husband always go around talking like he’s Noah leading the Israelites through the desert?
He’s cruel and disgusting. He’s not following the Bible-he’s following Andrew Tate and Charlie Kirk. I’m assuming when his friend came over with the friend’s child, it was assumed you would baby-sit the kid.
Get your kids away from this man. He’s delusional.
He weaponized your daughter against you, with zero regard for what that did to her emotionally. He deliberately upset her to punish you. That alone is a relationship-ender imo.
I’m curious, did you guys enter into a covenant marriage from the beginning? Has he always been that degree of fundamentalist? I’m just wondering if this “outside the covenant” bullshit is recent or grounded in previously established relationship dynamics, because that does change the calculus a little bit.
Anyway it sounds like he’s the one who went there first by telling you you’re “replaceable” in the previous argument, not to mention threatening you with that “you may find out about power” line. You just matched his energy. NTA.
And please, for your daughter’s sake, get out. Get her away from him. Start documenting for the parental alienation complaint you’re definitely going to wind up having to file, too.
Your husband’s text to you was appalling IMO
His text to your daughter was wildly immature and inappropriate
I would not defer to his judgment on anything because he is reactive, emotional, self-righteous, and uses his religion to justify his actions
He is a big baby and I don’t know how you can stand him
your daughter needs to be empowered to stand up for herself. You can’t just punish her, you have to tell her what she can do. I think you were right to let her show her rabbits. She reacted to someone else harassing her and again, you and her (IMO pretty crappy) dad haven’t given her the tools to do it or put up boundaries to protect her.
yta if you stay with him. hes clearly fucking delulu and does not give a shit about you or his daughter.
He called you replaceable, told you you’d “find out about power” which sure feels like a threat, failed to protect your daughter from his friends son, skipped her show that was important to her, and then spouted a bunch of weird religious nonsense at you instead of actually engaging.
And this was in what a 2 day period?
Girl get that divorce and take your daughter somewhere she’ll be safer. What are you holding onto at this point? Is being alone really that much scarier than having to live and die with this man?
Your husband’s text is bizarre. He sounds overzealous and nutty. I dunno, this whole situation is very… regrettable.
Really, if you have a knock down drag out argument about a concert divorce should be a consideration. Now after your daughter has had to bear the consequences of your inability to get along divorce should be for sure. It’s mystifying to me why people always ask the wrong question in these aitah posts.
Updateme
Your husband sounds like a lunatic. He’s straight up abusive and hides behind bible mumbojumbo. I would take your daughter and go!
Call a couple really good attorneys ASAP, see what your options are and start keeping all communication. You also need to save the text he sent your daughter. That was very inappropriate to bring a child into adult matters.
Is your husband having an affair?
Your husband seems to care more about his friends kid more than your daughter which is rather concerning. Maybe instead of worrying if youre the asshole for mentioning divorce (the way you wrote the story made it seem like he kinda brought it up first and you just said the actual word) you should be worrying if youre the asshole for not having already divorced your neglectful asshole of a husband.
You didn’t bring up divorce. Your husband did when he said you were replaceable.
He is an evil, cruel bully.
Lmao, okay, so you guys get divorced and your kid feels like it’s her fault for the rest of her days.
Your petty arguments and talks of leaving eachother are only enforcing in this kids head how bad she sucks.
Neither of you are helping her right now.
JC, divorce your bible-thumper husband and protect your children from his friend’s nasty kids