I am 39m and my wife Cookie is 38f. We’ve been together for ten years.
The background to this story is that Cookie is something of a chatty Cathy. She always has been. She is not particularly great at staying on topic for her stories, which I honestly find endearing most of the time. The problem is that her mother is a little bit of a bully about how much she talks, under the guise of “teasing” or “joking” of course, so Cookie is sensitive about it. (her mother lives 2500 miles away these days but the scars of adolescence take years to heal)
Yesterday she had a work event, and then came home a little later than usual and told me about it. Then we watched a (very intense, I guess that’s important) TV show, and that’s usually time for bed. She brushes teeth first and I clean up the living room and kitchen (and sometimes eat a bowl of cereal) and then we sleep. But last night, she sat in the living room for fifteen minutes and kept talking about her event while I put away dishes. It was not anything important, I swear, it was often just a minute-by-minute readout of what had happened. So I said
hey, I kinda want some time inside my own head, can we finish talking about this tomorrow?
and she is, according to the text I just got, now, eighteen hours later, still very mad about that. She dropped “I heard it my whole life from my mom and now it’s my husband too” and “it’s fine I won’t tell stories anymore” etc etc.
I want to be understanding, but I also think it’s valid for me to want quiet time with my own thoughts, especially right before bed and ESPECIALLY after an hour of this storytelling before an hour of very action-packed TV. So I don’t know if I said something wrong, or if she’s overreacting, but the worst thing you can do to a person who’s overreacting is tell them that they’re overreacting. I’m just confused and frustrated. AITA?
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I am 39m and my wife Cookie is 38f. We’ve been together for ten years.
The background to this story is that Cookie is something of a chatty Cathy. She always has been. She is not particularly great at staying on topic for her stories, which I honestly find endearing most of the time. The problem is that her mother is a little bit of a bully about how much she talks, under the guise of “teasing” or “joking” of course, so Cookie is sensitive about it. (her mother lives 2500 miles away these days but the scars of adolescence take years to heal)
Yesterday she had a work event, and then came home a little later than usual and told me about it. Then we watched a (very intense, I guess that’s important) TV show, and that’s usually time for bed. She brushes teeth first and I clean up the living room and kitchen (and sometimes eat a bowl of cereal) and then we sleep. But last night, she sat in the living room for fifteen minutes and kept talking about her event while I put away dishes. It was not anything important, I swear, it was often just a minute-by-minute readout of what had happened. So I said
>hey, I kinda want some time inside my own head, can we finish talking about this tomorrow?
and she is, according to the text I just got, now, eighteen hours later, still very mad about that. She dropped “I heard it my whole life from my mom and now it’s my husband too” and “it’s fine I won’t tell stories anymore” etc etc.
I want to be understanding, but I also think it’s valid for me to want quiet time with my own thoughts, especially right before bed and ESPECIALLY after an hour of this storytelling before an hour of very action-packed TV. So I don’t know if I said something wrong, or if she’s overreacting, but the worst thing you can do to a person who’s overreacting is tell them that they’re overreacting. I’m just confused and frustrated. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked for time to myself and maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut. Maybe I’m TA because maybe part of my job as her spouse is to shut up in this circumstance and just let her talk.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. I feel like you could have probably worded stuff better, or even when she was done chatting, let her know you just needed something like “me time for a bit.” It sounds like you love how chatty she is, so honestly, I think you just need to remind her that her chatty Cathy energy is what you love about her.
INFO: did you not have any free time earlier in the day? Was she only talking for fifteen minutes? Does she tell stories every single night?
She’s overreacting. You’re NTA. At most, you shut off only 15 minutes of storytelling here, since you weren’t going to share stories in your sleep.
That said, you should emphasize the positive here, and tell her how much you like her stories and want to hear whats going on with her. But that doesn’t mean it happens whenever/wherever she wants. If she’s in crisis, fine, you drop everything to help. Otherwise, you get to shut things down 15 minutes before bed.
YTA You might not have meant it harshly, but to someone with a lifelong sensitivity about being “too much,” your words hit like a hammer. She wasn’t rambling to annoy you she was excited to share. Shutting her down with “I want time in my own head” instead of just saying “I’m tired, can we talk tomorrow?” feels cold. Even if your need for quiet is valid, the delivery made it sound like you were tired of her.
NTA And if this is the first time you haven’t listened to one of these stories all the way through you are a very patient man. Non stop talkers wear me out especially when they talk in circles and can’t be concise. I have always wondered what happens if you have two in a marriage. I am glad you mostly find it endearing. I would be calm and tactful but make sure she understands that sometimes you need quiet time esp right before bed.
NTA: it’s totally reasonable to need some downtime. I think it would have helped to frame it a little in terms of how you were feeling (like: I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed right now, can we finish talking about this later?) and ideally to have talked about how to handle this sort of thing in advance of needing to (if you have felt this way previously but not said anything) but it’s okay not to be perfect at all times esp if you’re feeling overwhelmed
yta she is what she is. you married her. i have been married 54 years, i just developed a tune out, tune in response. be well
Hey I just wanted to say that your relationship actually sounds very healthy from your post. Honestly, that kind of consistency and pattern sounds really nice these days.
There is nothing wrong with you requesting some space to be with yourself. Time spent with oneself can be very deeply important and healing and you are NOT at all wrong for requesting it. In your shoes, I would have wished to have some small private office or garage/shed or whatevever to just hang out and think, ya know? Totally normal, totally reasonable.
Your partner may be stressed and may be looking for connection. Provide that as best as you can without overdrawing your own account. Listen, **hear**, and understand what she is saying and do your best to support her. But you are not obligated to sacrifice your own well-being and time alone to accomodate it, ya know? Take some time for yourself – it could be a few minutes, a few hours, or even a few months — fuck it – there is no one size fits all — you do you brother.
Neither of you are wrong here. I would just listen to her, see what she has to say, and do your best to find an agreement where you can have your much needed time to yourself to think and process.
NAH – she’s got a hang up which makes her extra sensitive and you’re allowed to ask for something reasonable. Maybe once you both cool down, you can ask her what a better way would be to ask for down-time so that it’s not triggering for her?
I’m sitting here alone wishing I had someone to talk too and listen too. Send cookie over here. I’ll listen to her..
NTA: I think it’s a pretty reasonable request. You’re not saying that you don’t like listening to her talk.
Can people not just be ok with things not always being the same? Sometimes we feel like shit, won’t necessarily feel like it tomorrow, but for today I want to talk a bit more….surely that’s ok….??
NTA. I personally have an absolute NEED for quiet time. I cannot sleep if I don’t get it. It’s unfortunate she took what you said the wrong way, it made sense to me. You both need to make accommodations for each other. Hopefully you can talk about this and come to an understanding.
NAH – You’re both carrying something into this, her with the past, you with mental fatigue. Just talk it out with kindness
When you grew up with people around you who tried to shut you up/ didnt let you speak/ didnt hear you/ didnt react in a normal sincere way to whatever you wanted to tell…. then this imprints in you. Like you said: the scars of adolescence take years to heal.
I also try to work against my (unintentional) reaction when i have the feeling that i am not heard/ when i get interrupted/ when i see the other person rolls their eyes or has a dismissive body language. I stop. I stay silent. The situation simmers inside me, like a kettle on a stove. It is not easy to work against this. And at first, you do not realize that you react this way, so you still have to process it and (maybe) you realize that this is not a good way. Then you start eventually to think about better solutions to handle such situations.
For example: I think about the situation, what was it about, what did i do, how my husband reacted. What i want to tell him about it (my observation, my feelings about it). And then i speak with him about it – or i write it down for him. With other people, outside my household, i just let it go and do what i did when i was younger; Less communicative, thinking before speaking, just a light converstion that mostly stays at the surface.
NTA It could help both of you to find a solution together. Writing down what the one person wanted to share urgently – so the other person can read it in a little while. Or thinking about “is this important right now? If not, can it wait a bit? If i think that i will forget it then i can write it down as a reminder for myself”.
I think, this goes both ways. Maybe both of you find kind of a signal ( a gesture or a codeword) to signal “If it is not about work/ a danger/ an important thing that has to be said right now/… – give me 5 minutes. We will talk later”.
NAH – She had a great event and wanted to share it with you, which is lovely that she wanted to, and great that she’s obviously enjoyed herself enough that she has so much to share.
From what you’ve said you usually spend that time alone and that’s your downtime preparing for bed. If this is a regular thing that you are used to, and it got disrupted, it is okay for you to feel overwhelmed by the sudden change.
Neither of you have done anything wrong, it’s just been a moment that has clashed for you both, which happens. Perhaps when you’re both able to talk about this you could explain how it threw your routine off track and this caught you off guard but you’re really pleased she had a good time and wanted to share this with you?
She’s definitely insecure about it, and in the idea that you love your Cathy, let her know you don’t feel like you hate her or her stories, and you’re sorry she feels that way about her mother, because her mother should be a kind person she can go to.
Maybe a flat out mention of wanting quiet time? I.e. when she got back that you wanted a recap in the morning and just quiet time together in the moment.
ESH. This looks like a miscommunication and an unexpected request that triggered her self-consciousness. She’s still struggling to work through it and is lashing out over text.
I’d suggest talking to her and reassuring her that you did want to listen but just didn’t have the bandwidth at the time. It might help to figure out a way for you to communicate that in the future without making her feel insecure.
Given her background, I don’t think she’s completely overreacting—but she is being passive-aggressive. Therapy could be really beneficial for her.
Like you said things like that take time to heal, she interpreted what you said the way she used to hear stuff like that, not how it was intended. You deserve time in your own head and it’s not her fault her mother bullied her so NAH (except the mother)
Cookie needs to go to therapy and unpack her childhood trauma. People are allowed to want some quiet time.
NTA i’m a chatty Cathy and I’ve been since I learned how to talk, I’ve heard from 95% of people some sort of “Can you shut up for a min” yeah from my family too, now I could choose to get upset about it but I don’t know how NOT to talk a lot that means I’ll be upset most of my life
Now that 5% of people I didn’t mention, not once they’ve told me to shut up and I love them with all my heart cuz I know it’s not easy
Your wife might have just been a bit more needy than usual which is not bad but perhaps you can arrange something later for her to keep talking about her day?
Neither one of you did anything really wrong. She has a deep-seeded trigger from her mother bullying her during formative years, and that stuff can go deep and stay in your psyche forever. These events are glued to our central nervous system and the responses, for the most part, are automatic and difficult if not almost impossible to contain. I think your comment embarrassed her (although that wasn’t your intention) and also set off her self-protection mode. She’s hurt because you’re the one person who she feels safe with and knows she won’t be belittled like her mother did to her. She probably felt very alone at that moment. Again, you didn’t do anything wrong by saying what you said. Considering your knowledge of her past and knowing how sensitive a subject this is for her, I would try to avoid triggering her in this one area (which I know you probably already try to do). You did say that you both watched an intense movie and that contributed to your need for quiet, so it wasn’t really all about her anyway. I would suggest letting her know you love her and you love everything about her… even her stories. Although you didn’t do anything really wrong, I would just say that after watching the intense movie you were kind of wound up and just wanted some headspace, but you’re sorry for saying what you did. (I know…. you didn’t do anything wrong, but in loving someone we sometimes have to humble ourselves to do what’s best for them.)
NTA sometimes we just have an off day, and it sounds like that happened to your wife.
NTA. But it sounds like your wife is a verbal processor. Does she actually want your attention and feedback or is she just wanting to vent?? I had a roommate like this I just put on my misuse cancelling headphones and let them yap away.
Maybe a little bit YTA, if you’ve been married 10 years and this is the first time you’ve brought up a problem you’ve had all along……not okay. On the one hand, kudos on not just tuning her out, on the other, she needs to understand that most people NEED some quiet time.
My husband and I have been married for over 31 years. We’re the definition of opposites attract in many ways.
When we get home from work he wants to talk about every moment of his day. I just want to kiss him, snuggle the cats and decompress with myself and let the tension release before I engage. I feel your pain.
But we’ve managed a compromise. I get my kiss, we snuggle the cats together while we talk for two minutes, then I push him out the door for his nightly run while I unwind. After he gets home we feed the cats—again together—while he tells me about his day and I tell him about mine.
We both get what we need and everyone is happy. Especially the cats. 🐈😻❤️NTA
NTA – if you just gently let her know that you needed some space, this should be no harm done.
I think that what she’s trying to vocalise by being upset is that she feels rejected.
So perhaps focus on that and try to show her that you love her. Next time, still vocalise your need for space, but put it in a compliment sandwich and ensure that she feels loved.
Perhaps something like “I love you’re energy, and I’ll love it even more tomorrow, and want to hear all about x then. Right now my brain is exploding from that show. Lets settle into our bedtime routine together” *hugs*
Who wants to talk about work outside of work after you had to be at work late? And for an hour and a half??? You’re NTA and she’s responsible for her own trauma, it’s not okay that she’s projecting it onto you.
NAH. It’s ok & normal for both things to be true. She is hurt by the way that you phrased your request for quiet time before bed. You were perfectly reasonable for requesting it.
So the best starting point is probably an apology – along the lines of:
> I love you, I didn’t mean to upset you last night, I’m sorry.
Don’t qualify it – that cancels out the apology. And you probably are genuinely sorry that you (unintentionally) hurt her. Because you love her & you don’t enjoy knowing that she’s hurting.
But also…
You should not apologise for asking for the quiet time that you needed. It’s important that you can ask for the (healthy) things that you need in a relationship.
So I’d be inclined to say something along the lines of:
> I feel hurt that you compared my request to your mother’s criticisms. I don’t think that’s fair – I wasn’t criticising you, just asking for what I needed at that time of night so that I could sleep.
Then the final part is aiming for some sort of comprise. Usually taking an “us against the problem, not you against me” approach is most successful.
So something like:
> I think last night didn’t go as well as most of our evenings together. With hindsight maybe we didn’t need to watch any TV – instead we could have snuggled up together & I could have heard all about your event. Let’s talk about how we can maybe do things better next time.
But the most important underlying thread to all this is – when a partner is triggered by something because of what’s going on inside their head, three things need to happen:
> One – they should be able to identify that they are being triggered by their brain, and not blame the person who did (whatever) in the moment
>> Two – it’s a kindness if the other person can be sympathetic to them being triggered (if it’s disclosed) – and in the short term make a little extra effort to be sensitive to how they get triggered on this issue
>>> Three – but the other person needs to avoid taking responsibility for the trigger. It is on the Triggered Person to ultimately resolve their own trigger & heal – whether that’s through therapy or something else. They cannot (healthily) push responsibility onto someone else & demand that they never do anything to trigger them.