I met a friend at work that married I’ve only known them for about 2 years. I’ve developed a close relationship to my friend due to helping her with her husband he’s been disabled for 2 years due to a work accident that gave him a TBI. Me and my friend went to Hawaii in May with our kids as a family outting. Her husband was in a state of amnesia where he doesn’t know who anyone is so he didn’t come.
In Hawaii we both got a lot of attention from guys and with me being single I went in a few dates while the nanny was watching the kids. Halfway through our trip one day she left in the middle of the day it turned out she met a guy there and went to his house. She told me they hooked up.
Once we got back she started video chatting with another guy she met while there pretty heavily to the point where she’d take advantage of her husband having amnesia and do it while in the room with him. I hadn’t seen him since before the trip so I hadn’t talked to him about everything although I felt very guilty for not saying anything.
Fast forward a few weeks later she went to a concert with a friend and her husband actually knew who everyone was and their kid asked him to help with his iPad and her iCloud account was connected to it. So he saw nudes in her phone of herself and assumed she was cheating and when she came home he asked her about. She lied and said she took the nudes for herself to look at he said if this is true give me your phone she said no and so he knew she was lying. He wrote himself a note on his phone in case he forgot what happened and shortly after he had a seizure and forgot.
The next day I was there because he’s not able to be alone since he’s a fall risk and she went to go do something. He read his notes and asked me if I knew anything about what she’s doing I said yes and told him everything i knew. He asked her for a divorce when she got home after I told him he didn’t say I was the one who told him but I’m pretty sure she knows I’m one of the only friends that knew about Hawaii. He wrote in his notes that he asked so he wouldn’t forget that as well.
My friend gets paid to be her husbands PCA IlNow this is where I might be the asshole for not thinking about the long term effects. They have 3 kids and that was my friends only income when he asked for the divorce his brother not too long after moved him in with him and called to take over the PCA services. So she’s lost her only income and is now losing her rental (it doesn’t happen that fast but I was unaware she hadn’t paid her bills since we went to Hawaii. So now she’s at risk of being homeless and jobless and because she has 9 dogs I’m not willing to let her live with me if she brings all the dogs. Although I feel like I did the right thing telling him I also feel as though I also put her and the kids in a bad situation. AITA for telling the husband?
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I met a friend at work that married I’ve only known them for about 2 years. I’ve developed a close relationship to my friend due to helping her with her husband he’s been disabled for 2 years due to a work accident that gave him a TBI. Me and my friend went to Hawaii in May with our kids as a family outting. Her husband was in a state of amnesia where he doesn’t know who anyone is so he didn’t come.
In Hawaii we both got a lot of attention from guys and with me being single I went in a few dates while the nanny was watching the kids. Halfway through our trip one day she left in the middle of the day it turned out she met a guy there and went to his house. She told me they hooked up.
Once we got back she started video chatting with another guy she met while there pretty heavily to the point where she’d take advantage of her husband having amnesia and do it while in the room with him. I hadn’t seen him since before the trip so I hadn’t talked to him about everything although I felt very guilty for not saying anything.
Fast forward a few weeks later she went to a concert with a friend and her husband actually knew who everyone was and their kid asked him to help with his iPad and her iCloud account was connected to it. So he saw nudes in her phone of herself and assumed she was cheating and when she came home he asked her about. She lied and said she took the nudes for herself to look at he said if this is true give me your phone she said no and so he knew she was lying. He wrote himself a note on his phone in case he forgot what happened and shortly after he had a seizure and forgot.
The next day I was there because he’s not able to be alone since he’s a fall risk and she went to go do something. He read his notes and asked me if I knew anything about what she’s doing I said yes and told him everything i knew. He asked her for a divorce when she got home after I told him he didn’t say I was the one who told him but I’m pretty sure she knows I’m one of the only friends that knew about Hawaii. He wrote in his notes that he asked so he wouldn’t forget that as well.
My friend gets paid to be her husbands PCA IlNow this is where I might be the asshole for not thinking about the long term effects. They have 3 kids and that was my friends only income when he asked for the divorce his brother not too long after moved him in with him and called to take over the PCA services. So she’s lost her only income and is now losing her rental (it doesn’t happen that fast but I was unaware she hadn’t paid her bills since we went to Hawaii. So now she’s at risk of being homeless and jobless and because she has 9 dogs I’m not willing to let her live with me if she brings all the dogs. Although I feel like I did the right thing telling him I also feel as though I also put her and the kids in a bad situation. AITA for telling the husband?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my friends husband and she’s cheated on him and it had a domino effect causing her to lose her job and home
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, he has a right to know what his wife is up to. She can’t commit to her vows, she clearly isn’t happy in her marriage – no doubt that having a disabled husband through accident must be very difficult. In the long run you are doing them both a favour
NTA: your friend was lying and taking advantage of her then-husband.
I have some compassion for her because being full time caregiver for someone who is disabled and often doesn’t remember you is not the same as having a full-time partner who also cares for you and she probably missed that kind of connection.
If she was a grown up about it she could have talked to him about wanting to maintain their relationship while also getting her needs met (via polyamory for example). Maybe that wouldn’t be something he agreed to – in that case they could have ended the relationship if it wasn’t going to work for her, but at least it would have been honest and maybe they could have ended on better terms.
NTA.
She made her bed, now she can lie in it. FAFO.
NTA
I don’t know if it was “right”, but NTA.
Her husband figured it out and asked you about it. Being honest in the face of a direct question is almost never a-hole behavior.
Man this one is horrible and difficult – if the husband is amnesiac on top of needing caregiving round the clock – how much of a relationship is there still to speak of? I don’t think she should be sneaking around on him but I also understand why that might happen.
On the other hand, she has three kids and 9 dogs – on top of being a caregiver for her husband – how does she even have the time to talk to other people?
You’re NTA for telling the husband when he was asking though. If he thinks it’s good for him to divorce her, he should do it.
She cheated on her disabled husband, lied to him, and kept going as if nothing mattered.
Why are you friends with this scuzzball? I feel sorry for her kids (amd dogs!). Maybe now she can get a job since she doesn’t have to care for her husband any more…….but she will probably just get with the first man she can find.
Only reasonable if he’s dead.
If this is your fault that she cheated then yes – YTA. Otherwise NTA
Hmm, I don’t know… she’s stepping out on the guy to whom she is married, and receiving an income to assist, and, and… you want to know if you’re the asshole for sticking to carving fork of justice into this ham because, because she will no longer be able to draw said income nor reside with the presumably guileless and trusting brain damaged dude she’s been deceiving?
NTA
YTA. They have a complicated relationship. You should have left them alone. You really need to balance the good against the bad. She blew up the family, but OP was part of it.
NTA. It’s hard to have a front seat to your friend’s life falling apart, but it was her own doing. Otherwise you would’ve had a front seat to YEARS of a deceptive marriage that entangled 3 kids, 9 dogs (?????), and a man who’s recovering from a TBI.
Also, don’t forget that your friend put you in the position of knowing all this and keeping your mouth shut. Friends can turn to each other and expect some privacy if they’re struggling and are trying to change. But it sounds like your friend wasn’t interested in changing and you were just supposed to watch her lie to the 4 people that depended on her most (husband and 3 kids).