Hi, I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for 2 years (I’m F23, he’s M24), and it has become really controlling.
At the beginning everything felt magical, but now I feel drained and tired. I could use some outside perspective.
Here are just a few examples of things he’s said or done:
- He got jealous of my male coworker. One time it was raining and my coworker shared his umbrella with me for less than 30 seconds, my boyfriend was furious about it. After that, I avoided talking to male coworkers or even male customers so he wouldn’t get upset. (This happen at the beginning when we started dating and where not long distance yet, we where together for like 3 months and then we started the long distance)
- He told me that I should not hug my male friends and then he told me he wasn’t okay with me having male friends. Over time, I distanced myself from them, even though they were just friends, nothing else. I once had a close friend invite me to his birthday dinner (with a group females and males), but my boyfriend told me not to go. I really wanted to, but I skipped it to “protect” my relationship.
- He asked me to constantly send him pictures of where I was and who I was with whenever I went out (which was rare).
- At work, he asked me to do video calls every lunch and break. If a coworker waved or said hi, he would interrogate me about it. Sometimes I would just go to the bathroom to talk to avoid any situation.
- He told me I needed to at least give a week’s notice before going out.
- On my birthday, I wanted to go to a concert and had the chance to buy tickets last minute, but he got mad and didn’t let me go.
- He often asked me uncomfortable “what if” questions (like “what would you do if a guy asked for your number or tried to kiss you or hug you?”) and told me not to sit next to men on public transport.
- Honestly, he was never happy with me doing something new like taking singing lessons (He would ask me if the teacher was male or female) or going to the gym. So in the end, I never tried to do anything. He was never happy with me going out either and I don’t drink or smoke, I don’t go to parties/clubs, my going outs are visiting friends, relatives or going to restaurants to eat. Every time I went out he would ask me weird questions like if a guy talked to me or something like that.
There’s more, but I can’t even remember it all. I know I’ve cried over his behavior even in front of him, and whenever I tried to talk about it, he’d say he trusted me but not other men, and I’d just drop the subject to avoid conflict. Over time, I developed anxiety even at work, like if a male coworker said hi, I would immediately feel worried about how my boyfriend would react if he was there.
The last straw was when I went on a work trip to the countryside and had bad data. I couldn’t do a video call but I texted him and sent photos to show where I was. When I got back, he was mad and questioning me. That broke me. I honestly feel drained by all of this.
The thing is…I still care about him. He can be sweet and nice, but his jealousy and controlling behavior scare me. Now, I told him I don’t want this relationship anymore, and suddenly he says I’ve “opened his eyes,” that he’s a new man, and all the things he wasn’t okay with before are now fine. He says he’s sorry and wants another chance. He even told me he bought a ring for me.
I just don’t know what to do. Can someone like this really change (that quick)? Or am I fooling myself? I feel guilty for leaving after 2 years and not “trying again,” but deep down I feel like this relationship has been suffocating me.
TL;DR: I’m 23F, my boyfriend (24M) and I have been long-distance for 2 years. He’s been very jealous and controlling the entire time, which has drained me. Now that I’ve tried to leave, he promises he’s changed, but I don’t know if I should give him another chance or finally walk away.