im ruining my life
im just a kid im just a fucking kid
im in so many hard classes who the fuck takes 3 ap classes + a college level math class in fucking ninth grade what the fuck i dont even know how to cope we had open house and im so behind in homework and i have like all fs and bs and i used to be a straight a student and i fell behind in ap physics first semester because i was burnt out and then my grandma died and i said id lock in this semester and i cant and i have no motivation and at open house the teacher asked my mum if i was even still planning to take the ap test and apparently on our most recent test i got a fucking 25% and it got curved up to a 50 because of square root curve but still what the fuck and i dont even fucking know whats going on in that fucking class or fucking ap human geo like what the fuck why am i so fucking dumb i was able to pass ap calc bc in 7th grade with a 4 and now i cant even fucking do homework and pass a fucking class im such a failure even my fucking physics teacher doesnt know what im doing and like my grandma died 3 weeks ago and i miss her so much and i cant focus on anything because shes just gone and i should have expected it but i didnt and im just do fucked and just fuck
and like spring breaks next week but i dont fucking know what im doing and im falling back into cutting more and more often and i wrote out suicide notes and was going to kill myself last sunday but for some reason chickened out because its okay surely shit gets better but no it doesnt it fucking never gets better nothing ever gets better and now im just crying and bleeding and i feel weak and miserable and useless and my moms yelling at me and its been hours and i wish i was never born and i wish i could die right now and i wish i had good grades and i wish i wasnt so dumb and i wish i wasnt burnt out and just fuck man im done with pretending and lying telling myself its gonna get better i dug my own fucking grave and now i have to lie in it and i hate facing the consequences of my actions and i wish i could go back in time and change something anything everything but i think ive been burnt out this whole year and im just so lost and im so fucked for college im never going to amount to anything in life why do i even do this anymore im fucking myself over and even rn i should be doing hw but i just dont have the motivation to and all i do is go home after going to school from 8:30 to like 17:30 and im tired and i play valorant with my friends or something because i just want to feel happy even for a second and then i regret not doing homework but im burnt out because during the school day i dont even really take breaks during nutrition or lunch and i just want to be good at something anything but im just fucking not and i hate it i hate myself i feel like a failure and im trauma dumping on all my friends because im at my breaking point and i can’t handle myself anymore and my parents are mad at me for being lazy even though im trying and please i just want someone to see my efforts im drowning in my own thoughts fuck everything i want to be dead i wish i was dead i have no future and right now my life is a living hell i want to escape everything im just a kid please im too weak for this
Comments
Grades and school are not your entire life. AP classes are nice but I’m now 45 and I’ve never had anyone ask or care about what AP courses I took or even what my GPA was in High School. Do yourself a favor and talk to your counselor and change your classes to easier ones. Don’t let people, including your parents, force you into taking classes that stress you out. In the end, it is not worth it. You enjoying going to school, making friends and finishing High School is much more important. I took so many AP courses in High School and in the end, shit out of my control ended my college career 8 months into a full ride scholarship to a prestigious school. So I stressed out in High School for nothing. Enjoy your time there and learn what you love to do as a hobby. Your time will feel much more rewarding.
Hey! I know it feels like your life is over and everything is terrible. I felt the same way taking hard classes and doing badly. Just remember in 10 years from now (which is where I am) high school won’t mean anything. I don’t even remember who half my teachers were lol!
I know losing someone you love especially someone like a grandma is so hard especially when you have to deal with all these hard classes. I would go to your guidance counselor and see if you can take some time off or if they can do something to help.
Just remember, while I know it feels like the end of the world (and I’m sure your parents act like it is), it’s okay. I failed a class 3 times in a row in college and everything turned out exactly the same as if I had passed it the first time. Try to catch up on your work one thing at a time and hey if you don’t end up doing great that’s okay! Now you know your limit. Also, considering you’re already doing college level work, you’re way ahead of the students around you. You’re basically mega mind so please don’t think just because you took too many hard classes that means you’re dumb.