Tl;Dr: I worry that I’m putting more into my relationship that my gf is, and I don’t know if I valid or overreacting
Context:
My gf and I have been together 3 months ago. She’s 6 months out of her last relationship, and I’m over 2 years out of my last one. We immediately clicked and we’re already talking about marriage, and we’ve decided it’s happening. Yes, we’ve talked about how crazy it sounds, a billion times 😂 but when you know, you know.
She deals with Bipolar disorder, ADHD, and suffers from chronic migraines. No she’s not manic in being with me.
I have always been one to love hard. When I fall for someone , I want to give them the world, I give into their every beck and call. I show up. That’s love to me, showing up.
If she’s sick, I’m taking care of her. If she’s depressed, I’m there for her. If she’s having a bad mental day and can’t get anything done, I help her with her tasks. I’m in a good enough financial situation where I can help her with things because she’s fallen into debt. I’ve even begun helping her with her debt (before you start acting up, I do set my limits and I don’t overextend myself. I help where I can, to a comfortable level. I don’t put myself in debt to help her debts)
I treat her well because to me, she deserves it. I’ve gotten “half-joking-half-analytical” remarks my entire life, from friends and family, about how I love to “buy my love”, both monetarily but with my time, my listening, my carving out time just to show up.
My gf also has a daughter who’s 13. I show up to all her volleyball games because I want to marry my gf and start a life with her, which means eventually becoming a stepdad, which means I have to build and establish that connection with my gf’s daughter now.
My gf also works long hours. She currently has two jobs. She works 3-4 days a week but they’re long hours. On her off days, she’s resting or helping around the house (she lives at home with her daughter, her mom, and her disabled step-dad) or running around getting errands and chores done.
All I want, once, is for some kind of, like, gesture that she’s thinking about me, or that she wants to show up for me. I come over to the house frequently and we hang out but it typically always becomes helping her walk the dog, or helping clean something up, and then I can’t stay long because she has to go to sleep early. And we can’t even be physically affectionate because even though we’re in our 30s, it’s still her mom’s house and house rules and all that.
But I feel like I don’t get any sort of, like, going the extra mile. No asking me if I want to go to X and do Y. No cute little thing she found that she thought I’d like. No carving out time to spend time with me without any obligations. No making time to chat with me about our days. Nothing. Even today, the day started off like every Friday. I go to work. She has a shift at one of her jobs. In the middle of the day, she asks “can I see you tonight?”, I get excited and say “hell yeah” so I get excited because it feels like she’s reaching out and trying to spend time with me. A couple hours later, “oh baby the night shift employee called in for her shift and they want to know if I can cover.” I know she’s been really stressed out because of her finances, and who am I to say “no baby don’t make some more money, hang out with me”. So I say “hell yeah”. She reassures me that we can still see each other, it’ll just have to be later. So I’m still excited. Later that evening, I’m excited, I’m getting ready. I know she has a shift at her other job tomorrow, so she has to go to bed early tonight, so I’m already reasonably expecting to come over for maybe an hour or so, still a great time. She calls me after getting off the night shift. She’s exhausted and she’s just going to go home and go straight to bed. I put up a good front, say okay baby I hope you sleep well. Again, i feel like it would be childish as fuck to be like “but you said…” she gets home, checks in, I tell her I miss her and that I’m sad but I’m not mad and that I hope she sleeps well. I get “aww don’t be sad! Hope you have a good night!” I feel totally disregarded. Do I have to explicitly say “if I say I feel sad, ask me questions and talk with me about it”?
I need to be taken care of too.
Now, I know there are plenty of factors working against me here:
- We’ve only been together 3 months, so there has been virtually no time to get into any sort of rhythm together
- Her mental health and her workload causes her to be exhausted quite often
- I am one guy, and she is herself and her daughter and the family she lives with. She is juggling many more things than I am
- She is fresh out of a breakup
- I’m kind of a pushover, in that I have a really hard time standing up for my needs and saying “what about me?”. This has been furiously present throughout my life, with my family, jobs, relationships, friendships.
- My last relationship pretty much killed my self-esteem or my self-worth in relationships. I don’t even really know what people in relationships do anymore.
And more…
Don’t get me wrong. She loves me. I know she does. I can feel it.
She and I have talked about this a few times already. I’ve never flat out said “I need you to take care of me too”, but maybe that’s where I’m dropping the ball. “She says “we have the rest of our lives” but when we haven’t gone out and spent time together in a month because every time we have a chance, it’s “oh I forgot I made plans with one of my girlfriends, oh baby I’m just so tired from work/the week, omg baby my head is killing me I can’t even go outside today” and it really fucking sucks
I hope I’m valid in these feelings, and that I’m not just overreacting
Comments
If she is like this 3 months in why would it get better with time? People change but do you see her changing?
She has a lot issues that won’t get better. The likelihood of her continuing to be a burden, your burden is high.
Mang, you deserve the absolute best, dude. I think the only thing you can do is… on a day when you are feeling full of love… express exactly these concerns just as matter-of-factly and with as much perpective as you are explaining here, in a loving tone that isn’t “asking” for anything–not saying “I need you to take care of me too”–but just stating how you feel the dynamic is starting to shape.
The way she responds to that should be able to tell you everything. Because if she says “we have the rest of our lives” again in response to that? Nope. That’s not how it works, baby, because the rest of our lives involves the rest of today.