This is a two year argument so I truly apologize for how long this is. Theres even more to the story than I will write here but I think I got everything important. I’ve also read over this a bunch but I’m stressed and it’s late so I apologize for any typos.
We have been together for 3 years.
I 23F do not work full time and as of just yesterday I do not go to school either but I do make anywhere between $100-$400 a month doing social media content creation (I also get a lot of free stuff which saves us $$), my partner is 28M and works a blue collar engineering job 8-10 hours a day, 5 days a week and covers nearly all of the finances. (I will say, our cost of living is extremely low) I do all the house work and take care of our three pets. My partner has his job, does the vehicle maintenance, and does long distance driving when we have to travel, and we have to do one shared chore every two weeks (we live in a trailer and we have to empty the tanks)
I do not mind the housework and caring for our animals, my issue comes from having to do that and then also being expected to cater to him when he comes home from work. He sits down on his phone/laptop and asks me to get his food from the fridge, heat it for him, make him a protein shake, grab anything else he may need, put stuff away for him, cook extra food he may want because he doesn’t like what is in the fridge, rinse his dishes, put his half eaten food that was left out away, help with whatever task he wants to do when he gets home, and just about anything he doesn’t want to do himself. But if I ask for him to clean up after himself he tells me that he feels like a slave and he has absolutely no time to do these things and he is too tired to remember.
I have thought about it for a while because I am tired of the argument and won’t bring it up unless I am just fed up with it. What I have settled with is I think I wouldnt feel as irritated if he 1. Put his food away if he isn’t going to finish it. 2. Rinsed his super dirty dishes out when he’s done and 3. Took at least 5 minutes out of his day to sit and think “have I done all of my responsibilities around the house so my partner is not cleaning up after me” without me having to TELL him what needs to be done. I want to be a stay at home wife and I know I need to be willing to maintain the house. I do not expect him to come home and cook or clean, I do expect him to look in the fridge and pick one of the several homemade food options out before asking me what he can eat.
My perspective is that I carry A LOT of the housework and mental load. I carry all the reminders of what needs to be done and when, I make all the lists and make sure they are done, I manage the bank accounts, I do all the laundry (laundromat so I have to haul it all too), I plan meals for both him and myself since we eat separate diets (he is a body builder so he eats a very strict high protein diet) and then I cook everything on a schedule so he always has enough food, I also cook extra at night if he wants a dessert or a snack, I take the dogs out twice a day, clean the litter box, dishes, clean the whole house, do all the grocery lists and grocery shopping, I have to do all the household shopping, i take the trash out, I am also renovating where we live completely on my own. If we go on a trip or drive to our families house I pack both the bags, pack up all the dog and cat stuff, make sure we have everything corresponding to where we are going, and I load it into the car so all he has to do is drive. My day to day is usually finishing all the cleaning I need to get done, then if I have time before he gets home I will try and work on making some content/school, then when he’s home I’m making food and helping him with what he needs or I’m working on content creation/school while he is on the phone with a friend. Then if he has the energy (which is never) we watch a movie or show together or when he doesn’t he will watch a show on his own and I will usually make myself dinner at this point. I usually only eat once a day. Then I will continue to work on brand deals and networking/school once he goes to sleep for another 2-4 hours depending on what I can get done and how many brands have reached out. I am a night person so I prefer to stay up until 12-1am and wake up 8-9am. When telling him all these things on my todo list he just tells me that he can also sit and list all the little things he does at work and that he can do all the things I do at home but I can’t do what he does at work. I don’t get why my schedule or time allotment matters when I just want him to clean up after himself. The whole conversation got brought up again tonight because he wants kids and I am hesitant because I don’t want to end up caring for kids AND a husband.
After explaining my three needs tonight he just wanted to go over our day to day schedules and compare what each person does so we can see how much time each person is spending each day “working”. I explained that somedays I have more things to do than other days and it really just depends on the day and what needs to get done. If there is a day where I get basic cleaning done in the morning, I will try and work on content creation or renovating the trailer. If there is a day where I have to do both laundry and grocery shopping, that’s a minimum 4 hour errand run on top of my daily chores and content creation. Unless I am taking a food break, I am busy doing something that will either help me make money, maintain the house, or make my partners life easier. After that he asked me if I thought it was fair if I got more time to relax everyday than he did and I was just genuinely confused by it. All I am asking is for him to clean up after himself which I repeated because I don’t know what else to say. It’s genuinely irritating me to the point of raising my voice at him because I don’t see why my request is so unreasonable. He then says he will have to work less to do what I need him to and he doesn’t get how there are moms with kids who do it and I can’t. The conversation ended with me telling him that he can go find someone who can “do it all” for him if that is what he wants because I didn’t feel like repeating myself again.
The goalpost always moves. Sometimes it’s comparing how many hours do we both work sometimes it’s what amount of effort the work takes but it always results in him saying he does more than me so he shouldn’t have to do these things.
I have been going to college full time as well and just had to drop out because we can’t afford for me to continue. I’ve had a full time college schedule until yesterday on top of everything so I’m hoping he doesn’t expect even more now that I have “more time”. I’m dealing with the fear of just becoming his wife and nothing more, especially if I can’t even set the boundary of having to clean up after himself.
Thanks for sticking with me here, so, am I being unreasonable like he says or are my three requests appropriate to ask of him? Do I need to be doing more around the house because I don’t have kids and I’m not working? I feel so conflicted because he is telling me that I am being so unreasonable and emotional and when he talks to his friends they think we should go through our schedules to see how much time we are putting in. I don’t see why my schedule matters when all I’m asking is for him to do three very simple things that any person has to do anyways. I am just confused. It makes me feel like he thinks I just sit around on my phone all day and he doesn’t understand why I keep telling him it feels like he doesn’t value my time at all.
TL;DR
I don’t work full time but I make a few hundred a month, I also do ALL of the house work + take care of our two large dogs and one cat + renovate our place alone. I pick my partners homemade food out and serve it to him while he sits on the couch every night. I asked my partner to rinse his dishes, put his food away when he’s done eating it, and make sure he’s cleaning up after himself and he said I’m being unreasonable because I have more time to do these things than he does. Am I being unreasonable for asking him to clean up after himself? What do I do?
Comments
Stop debasing yourself by continuing to do these things. His expectations are childish and possibly misogynistic.
If you don’t want a life like this, subject to the demands of a partner who makes all the money, you have to choose that life, OP.
Is what he’s asking fair? No, but you are self-selecting into this type of situation. Choosing to be a stay at home girlfriend, where you have no protection, comes with exactly these sort of problems.
He just told you what he expects if you have kids.
You are overwhelmed now being a stay at home girlfriend and looking after a grown man.
You will for sure have a breakdown if you end up raising his kids
Leave and finish college. There is more to life than being a losers bang maid
He will never value or respect you because he sees women as service providers
>asks me to get his food from the fridge, heat it for him, make him a protein shake, grab anything else he may need, put stuff away for him, cook extra food he may want because he doesn’t like what is in the fridge, rinse his dishes, put his half eaten food that was left out away, help with whatever task he wants to do when he gets home, and just about anything he doesn’t want to do himself.
That’s not “stay-at-home wife” duties, that’s “obedient slave” duties.
Does he think he deserves a personal domestic slave? Does he think that’s what your job is?
>The goalpost always moves. Sometimes it’s comparing how many hours do we both work sometimes it’s what amount of effort the work takes but it always results in him saying he does more than me so he shouldn’t have to do these things.
This is dangerous. He doesn’t want a partner. He doesn’t want to make you happy. He wants to train you to be his slave.
If that’s your kink, go for it. But unless you enjoy delivering this level of service, I think you should strongly consider exiting this relationship, and SOON. The longer you stay and have nothing to show on your resume other than “stay at home partner/domestic duties”, the harder it will be to get out.
Even when I was unemployed and a SAHW whilst my husband supported us both, I wasn’t his on-hand servant.
Narcissists always shift the goal posts so that you get frustrated and give up. Google “narcissistic edging”.
30 years ago, this would be the type of guy that would go to a SE Asian country and get himself a ‘submissive/traditional’, vulnerable wife who would do all the chores, take care of his sexual needs and otherwise stay out of his ‘life’.
Telling you he wants to have kids is another way to give you too much to do so that you leave him alone and it makes him look like he’s committed to the relationship. He’s not. He’s committed to his life looking good to other men and making his life easy.
Very few men who want a trad wife are prepared to do any other work around the house or pets. They see it as short hand for ‘someone who will do everything, never complain, never expect anything and will be my sex/maid’. If you get chronically ill or cancer, (and trust me, most of us do past 40) he’ll drop you like a hot stone. Hell, he’ll drop you once you’re over whatever age he sees you as socially invalidating to other men.
So, my advice is, get ready to leave. Start your own bank account, squirrel away whatever money you have and leave town. Stay safe.
You are not unreasonable in the least bit. You pack his junk when you travel!!??!!!? Why can’t he pack his own stuff. Is he a momma’s boy with a mom who babied him at home till he met you and you guys moved in together? It feels like this is who he is and his mom doesn’t do him any favors… Didn’t teach him how to cook, clean, put his things away, deal with 2 minutes worth of chores. Like she waited on him hand and foot.
Who is on the mortgage or lease for your home? This would be very difficult for me to tolerate and it would be a deal breaker for ME (not saying it is for you). This is simple, short amount of time stuff. I HATE when (in my case it was a man so I’m using man but women can definitely do this too) men want to “compare” their work to their partner’s work.
My XAH did that all the time. I was a sahm (suffer from severe depression and anxiety and Cptsd) so of course my day was easier. One day I wrote down ever little thing I did (all the way down to ridiculous tiny things. Small letters ignoring the lines on a piece of more book paper and it was completely covered. I knew he’d be pissed I had done that so t don’t think I told him or showed him, I think I needed to see it for myself.
You cook for a body builder? You must constantly be in the kitchen. Why, if he wants more food, can’t he have assume frozen items he can easily microwave, or a beef jerky stash, a precut veggie tray, fetch for himself if you’ve done ALL the cooking every day for years. Seriously? This man is useless.
Is he kind to you? Does he treat you with respect (we know that answer)? Does he do little things that let you know he loves you? Does he tell you he loves you?
I’m guessing he has good own special chair. Tell him he’s responsible for the after dinner stuff. And I’d he doesn’t do it it won’t get done. Let him have a pile that he’ll have to do all at once. Is they’re food stuff that you need to take of the plates for animal safety or smell safety you might want to do that, but otherwise I’d remove the food and put the plates, utensils, all of it back m next to his chair, on his tray table, and if all that gets too full you could just put it on his seat.
Or can you take the animals and go visit a friend or family for a week? Your have a new vantage point for content (tell him that’s why you’re going if he’s icky about it) also leave him to good own devices. And “oh, didn’t get around to cooking everything for you, I’ll text you how to prepare your food ” asks tell him that if you come back to a filthy home you will leave it that way till he cleans up his “vacation” mess? (Hey, even if it’s an in town friend who has a second bedroom).
I know my “brainstorming” ideas would probably drive you batty. XAH told me that I was abusing HIM because I didn’t have dinner ready when he got home. I wish I would have said something about how I can’t do that because he’d call to say he was on his way and an hour or more later he’d call to say he was really on the way, Stephanie is going through a hard divorce and needed someone to talk to. (Note I remember her name, and that he didn’t know but I was planning to divorce him… And did…, that maybe I’d make dinner if he kept his word or let me know he was staying longer (never once did he do that we were married 13 years).
He made that up because I had called him out on his abuse of me. His response to that? He screamed “I do not abuse you”. Of yes, screaming at me will convince me you don’t abuse me. 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
All that to say you are not asking too much and maybe you could make him a sticker chart for when he does his itty bitty teensy weensy miniscule chores you can give him a sticker & you’ll even get stickers he’ll like.
Please keep posting to give you space to vent.
I wish only the best life has to offer for you.