36F, Almost 10 years married, Husband 36M spends on friends and luxuries while I pay for the family

Hi everyone, I apologize for the long post in advance. I would appreciate your honest advice.

I (36F) have been married for almost 10 years. We have two kids, ages 7 and 4. I’m writing here because I’m struggling with resentment toward my husband (36M) over finances and I need some perspective.

From the very beginning of our marriage, I was the higher earner. Back then the difference wasn’t as big, but over time my career grew significantly while his income stayed more or less the same. On paper we should be able to live comfortably, but in reality I feel like I’m carrying nearly everything on my back.

We have always had separate bank accounts. At the beginning, it bothered me that he didn’t want a shared account, because it felt like a lack of unity. But now, honestly, I think it’s for the best — I’m certain that if we did have a shared account, things would be even worse.

Here’s how things usually play out:
• I pay for 80% of the groceries. His excuse is that I’m the one who shops while he isn’t around, so he doesn’t contribute.
• I cover the kids’ school fees, their clothes, and even our housekeeper’s salary. He flat out says he doesn’t want to pay for school because “our daughter could go to public school” and “the younger one can just stay at home.”
• Whenever I bring up money, he immediately goes on the defensive and tells me I’m making him feel cheap, or that I’m only asking to belittle him.

It leaves me questioning: does he truly not have the money, or is he just refusing to spend it on our household? Either way, I feel taken advantage of.

Some specific incidents that still bother me:
• The business venture: A couple of years ago, my husband decided to invest in a business venture. It was based on his own property and he presented it as his project, so even though I wasn’t fully supportive, I didn’t interfere. Just before the official start-up, he came to me asking for a large sum of money to keep it afloat. At that point, our marriage was already rocky because I had recently uncovered some lies he had told me, and I was hurt and mistrustful. I told him no at first — not because I didn’t care, but because I didn’t feel comfortable putting that kind of money into something I didn’t agree with or fully trust. He told me if I didn’t help, he would lose everything he had already invested. Eventually, I gave him the money, but the fact that I hesitated still makes him feel like I wasn’t supportive. In the end, the business has not done very well, and unfortunately we both lost that money.
• The vacations: Last year, he went on a one-week vacation with his friends. Before going, he actually asked me for money to fund his trip. I was shocked, but I gave it to him. Then six months later, when I suggested a short trip for the two of us during my annual leave (and even offered to pay for both of us), he refused because he “didn’t want to travel on my money.” I reminded him he had just done that with his friends, but he got angry. That fight happened three months ago, and he still brings it up as if I’m the unreasonable one.
• The loan: Recently, I also found out he took out a loan. He’s paying it back, but I have no idea why he needed it or what it was for, especially since he contributes so little to the household finances. The lack of transparency drives me crazy.

On top of all this, he loves to live a comfortable lifestyle — buying extremely expensive things for himself and eating out at high-end restaurants. I’m almost certain that he gives money to some of his friends and even to one of his brothers if they ask. Meanwhile, I’m covering the basics for our kids and household, and feeling drained.

Every couple of years, he buys me a lavish gift — something big, expensive, and flashy. He constantly brings these gifts up as proof of his generosity, as if they cancel out everything else. From his perspective, because he “spoils me” occasionally, I shouldn’t expect him to contribute to daily expenses, especially since I can cover them alone. He doesn’t understand why that leaves me feeling resentful instead of grateful.

These things build up. I feel like I am the main provider for our home, our kids, and even for his lifestyle at times. Meanwhile, he either can’t or won’t step up financially. And when I do try to address it, he turns it around on me and makes me feel guilty, like I’m attacking him.

I love my kids and want to give them stability, but I’m exhausted by the constant imbalance and the fights that follow.

TL;DR: I earn more than my husband but cover nearly all household and kids’ expenses. He avoids contributing, guilt-trips me when I bring it up, and still took money from me for a failed business and even for vacations with his friends. He occasionally buys me lavish gifts and uses them as “proof” of generosity, while refusing to contribute consistently. He also loves living a comfortable life, spending on expensive things and restaurants, and I suspect he even gives money to friends and family while I struggle to cover our household. Recently discovered he took out a loan without telling me. I feel like the main provider for everyone while he hides things and resents me.

My question is: how do I move forward in a marriage where I’m the main provider, but my husband resents me for it, hides financial decisions, and refuses to contribute fairly?