This is a long one I’m sorry in advance.. My (30f) husband (30m ) is very emotionally and mentally abusive.. but we have 2 kids, (2m and 3 months f) so I’m having trouble on what I should do.
Let me paint a backstory for yall.
We met when we were 18. In 2013. We worked at the same local radio station. And instantly we had a connection, but we wouldn’t do anything about it at first because something was always in the way. Either I had a boyfriend; he had a girlfriend or he was even my boss at one point. In between all of this we would end up hooking up. We were best friends always. But also always a little more. Our connection was crazy. My 2 serious relationships actually ended because I was in love with him. But I told him how I felt about him so many times back then but he always turned me down, even though I knew he felt the same way and we still were hooking up in between. But above all else, we were always best friends. Come 2019, I had just gotten out of a horrible relationship. I decided to pack up and leave California and move to Nashville. I packed only what fit in my car. I had no plan, no job, no place to live. Just was going to figure it out as I went. I was going to go alone, but my husband (let’s call him Jim) told me he was coming with me. And he did. We went on the adventure of a lifetime together, started over and drove 2000 miles cross country. We went through Covid quarantine together. And he finally told me he was in love with me, and moved because he couldn’t imagine a life without me. We got married in 2022, and had our babies in 2023 & 2025.
Sounds like a fairytale right? Wrong.
Our entire relationship, even back when we were just friends he’s called me his “punching bag” so he always kinda treated me like shit. Just got worse and worse over the years. He has these like “psychotic breaks” where he screams at me. And I’m not using the term screaming lightly. He’s screaming at me to the point where I actually think he’s going to hurt me. He looks at me like he wants me dead when he’s in this stage. and I never know what’s going to make him snap. He says he blacks out and doesn’t know what he says or does. He used to do it multiple times daily. Not only scream but tears me apart as a human being. Like says the meanest things. Even when I was 8 months pregnant..he’d yell at me so bad that I would drop to my knees, throw up and have panic attacks.. here are some things he’s screamed at me while pregnant with his children:
“Get off your ass and do something”
“You’re pregnant, congratulations big deal. You want a medal?!”
“SHUT UP”
“FUCK YOU”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP”
“Open your FUCKING ears”
“Get in the fucking car”
And so much more and so much worse..
He’s diagnosed with PTSD and blames a lot of it on that. His main triggers are stress and lack of sleep. And alcohol, he used to be an alcoholic and that was a whole other issue. He would get drunk every single day, hide it from me and everytime he was drunk he would be violent. So both times we had babies…and I was freshly postpartum…it was the worst times I’ve ever been through. It was so dark both of my postpartums. I had horrible PPD. He was the meanest and scariest. I had to take care of him and make sure he was getting 10 hours of sleep a night and no one was taking care of me. And he was still screaming. Insulting me. And he even grabbed me out of anger once. While I was holding our 3 day old baby. And the things he says to me when he is in this state..I’ll never forget them. The thing with the PTSD..is he’s heavily medicated for it now. and he still is screaming at me. So I just don’t know what to do anymore.
When he’s having these mental breaks, I can see when they are coming. His pupils get huge. He starts slurring his words, and acting strange. He starts shaking. And while he’s screaming he’s hitting things, throwing things, slamming doors.. bashing his head into walls, putting holes in walls, hitting him self in the face, growling, pulling out his hair..it’s so scary to see. and I’m so scared one of these days he’s going to snap and hurt me and the kids.
What horrible now is..he does it infront of the kids…and our 2 year old is becoming more and more aware. The other day Jim was screaming at me again and my son was blocking his ears so he didn’t have to hear it..it breaks my heart, and he just won’t stop yelling at me and having that violent behavior infront of the kids..
In between these episodes, he’s great..he’s a different person. He’s sweet, caring, gives me gifts, does all these acts of service for me. But when that switch flips..genuinely he’s the devil. It’s crazy.
Now .. I know I need to leave.. I just don’t know how to accept not seeing my kids every day anymore. And I’m terrified that if I’m not there to be his punching bag anymore, he will use my kids as the punching bag…:.( And I just was trying to stay in it for the kids. They’ll have a broken home so early in life. And I feel horrible about that.
I just feel like my sparkle is gone. He’s mentally beaten me down so badly I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t believe in love anymore.
Im also terrified to start over at 30. My whole life will flip upside down. I’ll have to move into my parents place for a while till I get on my feet. I’ll have to work full time again. There’s so many things that will be so difficult to figure out…
What do I do friends? 🙁 do you think he’ll ever get better? thank you in advance. ❤️🩹
TL;DR : Should I leave my husband for being emotionally and mentally abusive for 6 years+ when he screams at me infront of our children, and has psychotic breaks.