I (22F) have been dating my boyfriend (22M) for 5 months. We’ve been coworkers for over a year, good friends before we started dating, and honestly we have a great relationship. We laugh a lot, we get along, and I really do love him.
The problem is his family situation. His parents are divorced, neither of them work, neither owns a house, both live in rentals. His mom struggles with alcohol, his dad is religious and hasn’t worked for over a year. They basically have zero income and high expenses.
I don’t fully understand how they survive, but I suspect my boyfriend helps them financially more than he admits. This month was rough for him: he moved to a new apartment with friends, paid rent + deposit + agency fee, went on a trip with his friends (I was invited but he organized it), and his phone broke. During that time, he lived with me for a month in which he didn’t pay rent or utilities, I gave him my old phone, and I covered more than half the groceries even though we tried to split. At the end of the month, he had almost zero left from his salary.
What really worries me is that even in such a tight month, he still paid his father’s car road tax and bought groceries for his mom. It confirms my fear that no matter how much he earns or how much he is left with, a part will always go to his parents. I am afraid in the future the help will get bigger.
Meanwhile, my life is just starting. I graduated 2 months ago, I have savings and a stable family, and I want to enjoy my 20s, invest in myself, build a future. But I often hold myself back because I know he can’t do the same, and I don’t want to make him feel bad.
I feel like I’ve lost myself: I did more housework, felt stressed about money even though I don’t have money problems, and avoided buying things I wanted so he wouldn’t feel inadequate. I’m jealous when I hear my friends talk about what they do with their boyfriends, because deep down I want the same.
The truth is: if it weren’t for his parents’ financial mess, I wouldn’t doubt this relationship. He’s kind, funny, caring. But I can’t ignore the fact that he will always feel responsible for his parents, and I’ll end up financing “us” while he finances “them.” At the same time I feel extremely guilty for thinking about leaving. I feel like I am abandoning him. He is an amazing person and he does not deserve the burden he has to carry.
We also work together, so breaking up feels complicated, but I don’t see a future where I can live freely and happily with him while carrying this burden. I am scared of seeing him in the office everyday after a possible breakup.
TL;DR: I love my boyfriend, but I am afraid his unemployed parents will be financially dependent on him. I realized I don’t want a future where I sacrifice my happiness to indirectly support his family. Should I break up even though everything else between us is good?
Comments
You know you need to leave. You can’t build an adult life with him.
Honestly, the kindest thing you can do for him right now is likely to tell him exactly that. While his choices may be noble, he’s not going to be a compatible long-term partner for most sane 20-something women, if he continues to carry his parents.
The choice is tough, but it’s his to make. You need to make the best choices for yourself, and that doesn’t include moving forward with him.
I know everyone on Reddit says this but yes, I’d break up. I think he’s going to drag you down even if he doesn’t intend to.
This will never work.
> his dad is religious and hasn’t worked for over a year
I’m missing the connection there unless he belongs to a church that doesn’t believe in working for a living.
Also, your boyfriend doesn’t “have to” carry this burden. He’s actively choosing to financially support his parents.
The writing is clearly on the wall for this relationship will financially impact you in the future (i.e. go from bad to worse). Cut your losses before you get dragged further into supporting him/his family and (more?) resentment builds.
If he can’t make you his priority, he isn’t ready to date.