I’m an only child. My biological parents were second cousins and my mum was 17 when she had me. They divorced when I was about three. Later, my mum got together with a man 25 years older than her. He was a widower. He had three children from a previous marriage, two of whom had moved out, leaving Karl, the youngest, living with us.
My relationship with Karl was harmful. We never really got along, and over time, his bullying and punishments became sexualized. This escalated into sexual exploitation, including unwanted touching and sexual acts. Alongside the sexual abuse, he constantly belittled me emotionally telling me l was useless, that I shouldn’t have been born, that I could never be as good as him and minimized all my achievements. He made sexist remarks and reinforced that I had no power to defend myself.
Once, after he tried to have full sexual intercourse with me, I ran into the street and told my mum. She dismissed it, saying he was “just being an older brother,” and nothing changed. The abuse continued because he felt my parents wouldn’t intervene. He even threatened me, saying that if I ever told anyone, he would kill me. Eventually, he moved out and then worked away for a while, which gave me some temporary relief.
After Karl left, I struggled to process everything that had happened. During these periods, I would fantasize, write sexualized stories, saying I wanted to have sex with people who don’t care, making my dolls have sex, humping stuffed animals, and pretending to rape a stuffed animal when I was like 10 and later I was groomed by 3 different men and then once alcohol and drugs were introduced I started partying, and seeking out sexual experiences for validation from boys. Everyone in my school knows I’m a slut and I guess I am.
During this time, my stepdad was also abusive in certain ways. He crossed boundaries for a little while, like he would just rip my towel off to expose me, tricked me into kissing him on the lips, and he would watch me shower for a short time he would get changed in front of me instead of just going to another room, and he would tell me to just shut my eyes. Once he went through my phone. He found messages between me and someone I was hooking up with and tried to abuse me. That situation eventually stopped because I pulled a knife on him.
Now, Karl is coming home next month to visit my parents with his fiancée. I don’t know how I feel about this. Part of me feels anxious, angry, and unsure if I can handle seeing him again, while another part of me just wants to avoid thinking about it. I’m not sure what to expect, and that uncertainty is bringing up a lot of emotions I haven’t fully dealt with yet.