I have been going through such an annoying thing with my mother in law ever since my baby was born.
Like every first time grandma, she loves to shower him with many different outfits. I usually love them and keep them all, but it got to a point where I can’t buy anything myself because I don’t have space for anything else. Don’t get me wrong, this is a great “problem” to have: too much clothes. I know I can return or donate them, but I do genuinely like her pick. But I also want to have to joy of going to a store and picking clothes for my very first baby.
When he was 3 months I told her there was no need to buy him anything else. She seemed a little taken aback but she respected it. When he turned 6 months she asked me if it was ok to buy him clothes again and I said it was ok. With that I meant a few outfits here and there, but she literally shows up with a bag with at least $100 worth of clothes. She does that every two weeks or so
I got him clothes the other day and I had the hardest time trying to fit them in the closet, because all the clothes she gave him filled up the space. And yesterday she showed up with yet another bag of brand new clothes — and most of the time that’s what she does, a BAG full of clothes. I do not want this to be a competition at all or for me to build up some kind of resentment towards her, so I decided to send her this message:
“I really appreciate all the outfits you’ve been getting, you have such good taste, and I love seeing how excited you are to dress him. He’s set for clothes right now, so maybe you could save that excitement for birthdays or Christmas. Thank you, love you.”
She read it and never responded it. I tried to show gratitude but be firm on the boundary. I feel bad though and need some feedback on my attitude. Am I being selfish or petty?
It’s important to mention she is super controlling , DH and I have distanced ourselves as much as we due to several boundaries push.
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Not selfish, that seems reasonable and you sounded calm in your response. While it is a “good problem” for sure, it’s about the intent behind it.
Is there a reason your husband isn’t fielding these conversations? She may respect the boundary more coming from him.
You are not being selfish, and there is no reason to feel bad.
She needs firmer consequences, consistently handed out
Give her a limit, say 1 to 2 new outfits a week. That way you both get to buy clothes and she’s not bringing over too many at once.
Could you send her a photo of his closet with all of the clothes and having no space? Perhaps ask her for one item (like a winter coat or boots or wellies) and send her photos of your son wearing the coat that Grandma got him for his birthday/Christmas?
You could also say that you really appreciate her generosity but between now and when your son is say 5 or 6, he’ll have a number of growth spurts and it’s very likely that the lovely clothes she has bought him won’t fit him by the time he gets to wear them so she would be best to hang on to her money and buy him a game or Lego set he wants when he’s older maybe?
(edited to correct winter oat to winter coat so it actually made sense)😆
Her silent treatment is a control tactic. Ignore it.
People have already made excellent suggestions here.
I did not buy my child a single item of clothing, including underwear, shoes, coats, mittens, socks, pants, shirts, sleepwear, etc., until he was 11. My mom died & my FIL got really sick that year, so the grandma clothing train dried up!
I didn’t care, though. That’s the critical difference. If I had cared, I would have set boundaries, just as you should set boundaries. As it was, I gave my SIL literal car loads of practically unworn clothing for the younger cousins, so she appreciated it lol.
As it stands with you, I would occasionally dress the kid in grandma clothing when he sees grandma, & dress him in whatever you want otherwise.
You didn’t set a boundary with that text, you made a suggestion.
I think it was great, and a good place to start. It was clear and kind.
If she continues buying clothes after your kind suggestion, you need to ACTUALLY set a boundary.
“You are buying Baby too many clothes and we can’t fit them. It’s stressing me out, because I don’t want to waste them, but we need the room in his dresser. If you buy another bag of clothes, I am going to donate it / keep it at your house / give it to my cousin / refuse to take it.”
Your husband should really be doing this, but you can, too.
You’re not being selfish or petty, and she’s allowed to have her feelings. Let her be responsible for her own feelings.
It’s your house and your baby. Controlling people sometimes have a hard time when their reality doesn’t match their expectations. Even if selling/disposing the clothes is an option, you’re still within your rights to ask her to stop- everything that enters your home is something you have to deal with. She needs to respect that her good intentions still create a burden on you and deal with her feelings.
That is an annoying issue since it’s coming from a place of love but also control. Could you encourage her to spread it out across sizes also? Like encourage her to buy 1 or 2 outfits a month but in a variety of sizes?
Or ask her to mix it up with baby books & toddler books and not just clothes? A robust library is so great for babies and young kids! Instilling the love of reading at an early age would be a great and lasting gift for your sweet baby!
I felt strongly about dressing my daughter and picking her clothes. It’s such a joy I never thought I would get to experience.
I would save some things to use as “messy” or play clothes because soon enough at this stage everything gets extra gross. Leave an outfit permanently in each vehicle in case of accidents. Leave some at the houses you visit the most just in case if that’s an option that makes sense. Just use them as backup clothing that might get lost or outgrown without being worn and that’s ok because they aren’t anything you care about.
That’s how I handled some extra clothes and the bajillion blankets I was given by MIL. The rest of the clothes were given away.
Kids only need so much clothes. It’s just a waste of her money to continuously spend hundreds of dollars every few weeks/months. You are not being selfish or petty and your message was not rude. If she brings it up just reinforce he has more then enough clothing and to please limit gifts to birthdays and holidays.
what you said was perfect ! firm so she knows she’s NOT in control of the situation .. but loving .
Your text was kind and your boundary is totally reasonable and you are not being selfish or petty. Actually it’s MIL who is being selfish and petty- selfish because she doesn’t show any care or consideration for what you/LO actually need and your space, her buying excessive amounts of clothes is purely for her dopamine rush; and petty because she hasn’t acknowleded what you’ve said.
Don’t waste your time trying to read MILs mind. Either she genuinely forgot to respond, she didn’t think it warranted a response, or she’s giving you the silent treatment. But in any of those circumstances, there’s nothing for you to do about it.
Prepare your consequences for if she violates the boundary- if she shows up with a bag claiming she never got the text, send it home with her or put it in the car to be returned/donated in front of her.
Diapers are always appreciated
Nope, not petty or selfish at all. This is annoying at best and wasteful. A bag full of clothes every fortnight is excessive.
I think you were really kind!
If she doesn’t like it, I would check if I would like to schedule a day and go with her. Imagine, like onde a month or 2 months. That way, you can pick them together. I actually do this with my mom, and we love the ritual. Sometimes we don’t even buy clothes, as we agree LO doesn’t need more (3 percentual baby xd), so we buy formula or diapers or something, that I end up dividing 3:1 between my house and mom’s.
Your husband should tell her off and to tell her it’s too much. That you two want to shop for the baby too.
Here’s a thought: Set aside a certain amount of space or number of items (since one fluffy coat equals a dozen pieces of indoor-wear) that you’re comfortable letting MIL ‘fill’. If she brings in ‘overflow’, then things have to be removed (donated to charity/shelters) in order to make room, or the new things have to be returned. Make her take part in the culling.
Your boundary seems reasonable and your wording is fine but at the same time you can’t expect MIL to be happy to hear it.
If you’re telling someone something you know they don’t want to hear then you have to expect a certain amount of negative reaction. Radio silence from your MIL is actually a lot better than some of the reactions others on this sub have had in similar circumstances.
It’s important to remember that MIL doesn’t need to like your boundary she only needs to respect it. She shouldn’t go around pouting or sulking but you also can’t expect her to be turning cartwheels of joy. As long as she stops showing up every two weeks with more clothes take it as a win.
Give a lot of them to charity, someone will really appreciate them.
Leave the bag of clothes on her step, suggest she donate because your closet is full. Let her know moving forward you don’t need any baby items but will let her know if you need anything.
My MIL keeps buying 12 months, 2T and 3 T… my baby is 2.5 weeks old. I asked her to please keep anything 12 months or older at her home until he is older because we live in a tiny apartment and I have nowhere to store more clothes right now.
that’s not selfish at all – that’s a polite message over a problem that affects you. there’s nothing wrong with actually articulating what we need!
it’ll be very interesting to see how she behaves around you next time. endless gifts is a way to kind of step into someone’s life – there are these little reminders of you everywhere they go.
When my kids were little I donated sooooo much clothes from my MIL. It’s great that your MIL has good taste, at least! I think your message was nicely worded. I might follow up with something like “I feel bad, like I yucked your yum. I want to make sure you know it’s honestly just a space issue with the clothes–Baby is a very lucky little boy, and I really do like what you pick out.” Maybe add an invite to come over and hang with Baby.
I wouldn’t normally give this advice, especially in this sub, but you seem to really like your MIL.
Perhaps your spouse can tell her she can buy one outfit when the baby moves into a new size and if she wants, she can contribute a small gift card so you can pick out what you would like for the little one.
Have you shown her how packed the closet/drawers are? Maybe she needs to see the problem to understand how her gifts are becoming problematic.