Things I love about my bf:
He is kind and funny
He has good taste in clothes, music
He does dishes and laundry
He makes me feel safe
He is thoughtful, caring, forgiving
The home we share is the warmest home I’ve ever had
But:
I was his first everything. Girlfiend, sex… at 30yo. At first I was ok teaching him, but he doesn’t know how to touch, how to lead, how to please… I’m worn out. My job is really demanding and I lost the emotional energy to carry him through the act in hopes he’ll get better. I haven’t had satisfying sex in a year, and I’ve told myself everything else makes up for it, but now he’s feeling untouched… I know this could wreck us if we keep on this path. I don’t know what to do.
Comments
Move on not compatible.
Consider counseling before you give up
I know someone who has been in a 20 year relationship and he never got better at sex. Otherwise he is a great guy but she regrets staying so long. She felt so guilty for leaving a
all that time. But wishes she would have left a long time ago.
It’s okay you’re a typical western woman, who’s never satisfied, leave him but when you get ran through by a bunch of guys who don’t want to settle, dont come running back to him with excuses, let him move on and find someone better. Who doesn’t post about him not being good In bed behind his back on Reddit .
Love isn’t always enough if intimacy is missing
Maybe you could find some content to send him about how to please women. Hopefully that would motivate him to take the lead on this. He seems to be taking a submissive stance to the whole thing but there has to be some point where he takes charge of his path on this. I remember there was some paid site called omgyes with videos about different ways of pleasing women. I found this thread too that might be helpful: https://www.reddit.com/r/IWantToLearn/comments/9za3cj/iwtl_how_to_sexually_please_a_woman/
But if he doesn’t take the reins to learn this there might not be anything you can do. I get the sense he has general issues with confidence, self-esteem, charisma, and goal-setting and follow-through so if he works on that it might encourage him more to get into this.
A sex therapist
It might be part of his journey to go experience more of the world on his own. My first love told me some similar stuff. Granted, that was at 18 and not 30 but… everyone has their arc. Tell him how you feel, but also remember that your own feelings are valid too.
Sex is a big part of relationships! The thought of being with my first my whole life is terrifying tbh
🤣 just leave him if it’s that much of a chore to communicate this to him.
He may just be bad in bed for life… some people are just terrible at sex. This is a difficult situation because he clearly is someone you value and for whom you hold a great deal of affection. However, a satisfying sex life is incredibly important in a long-term, (ideally) monogamous relationship and you shouldn’t have to go through life sexually unfulfilled… some will tell you he might get better at it, but at his age, it’s unlikely. Satisfying yourself with toys, etc., really only goes so far as well. Cheating is unfair an out of the question (I’d hope) so… you have to ask yourself how much you prioritize a great sex life over the other aspects of your relationship. Is it possible you’ll meet a man who can give you the same things he does and satisfy you, sexually? it’s a question you’re going to have to come to terms with, sooner rather than later.
I don’t believe that ‘counseling’ or sex therapy will ever teach a man how to be good in bed and you can’t continue to do it, as you’ve stated it is exhausting and frustrating. So, add it up and make a sober assessment of what you value in your relationship and proceed accordingly. It’s not an easy place to be, I feel for you.
Stop doing your and his part. We all started out the same way, with no experience. The physical part is only a small part of it. He should feel motivated and very interested in learning how to express himself sexually and how to create intimacy in a relationship with someone he really cares about.
Just as he learned/ worked out how to be kind, funny, have good taste in clothes etc he can learn to be a good lover.
So stop teaching him everything and tell him to make an effort. Tell him what you want – e.g. a confident, uninhibited, sensual, caring etc lover and tell him that he has to work out what that means to you. Your sex life is hopefully a safe space where the two of you meet intimately to explore your sexuality and expression of it. It should be approached with a sense of play and fun.
Porn isn’t lovemaking, tell him to stay away from that as a guide but there’s loads of free resources available to him.
Think of it like this: it’s his sex life, let him make it meaningful for himself. You focus on knowing you, and hopefully the two of you are well suited
I’m sure he can do some research as far as learning techniques, what not to do, and keep in mind about what you like/dislike. But that will take him to put effort into that.
If you havent said this to him then thats the problem. Communication skills is the biggest reason relationships dont work.
he sounds like a really good man in so many ways, but it’s ok to admit that sex matters too
If you were his first everything then you’re his teacher. If he’s bad then that’s a reflection on you. Don’t blame him completely and accept the blame as well. Yes, some people are just bad at sex but being that he knows nothing and is learning from you then you should know that communication is crucial. Talk to him during sex and after sex. Make it fun and interesting. Teach him how to interact with you sexually by how you interact with him sexually. Show him how to express pleasure by how you express pleasure, and show him how to take turns at taking charge and doing good things. It’s a 2-way street so if you love him give him more time and practice patience. If he’s as wonderful as you say he is you’re going to lose big if you give him up. Put work into your sex life and hopefully it pays off soon because sex is very important in a relationship.
Have you told him exactly what you wanted him to do to you?
Is he incapable of following your precise direction?
It’s not like he has ever had any other teaching at this, so I’d say, you’re falling short at your job.
He’s clueless, you’ve got to teach him. Run the roost.
Love is a decision that you make on a moment by moment basis. A relationship is like farming. You reap what you sow. Keep working on this boy and you will prevail. As for satisfying sex, get a toy and show him how to use it to take you over the edge.
As a few others have pointed out you could refer him to some women driven videos that would provide some guidance
sex therapy!
Tell him there is a little button down there. Tell him to use the tongue to play with the button, and then ask him to start singing while he plays. It is a simple trick you will love if he is willing to do it.
If he’s not enthusiastically and curiously trying to learn and get better (books, videos etc, not just you), then it may not be worth it. He has to at least be showing interest in pleasing you and having better sex. Some guys get on a full blown quest in this area!
Conversate with him, guide him, if he is this great he will become the best man you ever had
Bring it up to him and not when you both are vulnerable or under the influence. Have a genuine conversation.
Gaurenteed this guy feels inadequate, emasculated, embarrassed.
He doesn’t “not care” he cares.. But he feels like shit about it.
People on here love to tell you to break up and love yourself.. But Jesus.. You laid out how he’s great.. And you like so much about him, then make him feel like a man again.. People on here will tell you that’s not your job in the relationship.. But wtf.. Do we even care about the people we are with?? I have a litany of issues with my wife, but in our life and around our kids or friends I’m her hype man. I try and life her up and make her feel good about herself as a woman and a mom..
It’s prob too late, ie. Relationship is toast… But you gotta make him feel good about himself, your his girlfriend, his cheerleader.
Cut your losses
YouTube?!?
Go to a sex therapist! You’d be surprised how much it can help!
Sex therapist
My wife was my first everything and she was patient with me. That helps a lot.
Have him read books. Even smutty fiction can be helpful. Watch videos. Not necessarily porn. Most of that won’t be useful.
Is his sex drive low? Or is he trying regularly but not getting it?