Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1ndya71/wibta_if_i_broke_things_off_with_a_guy_because_he/?sort=top
I didn’t expect so many comments on my last post, but they were appreciated. Comments from incels were disregarded and laughed at, including some guy who commented probably 15+ times, but otherwise I got a lot of good advice. To address a few points:
- I originally thought he would be driving me home since he’s done so once before when it was late, but it was in my town. This assumption was reinforced when he only mentioned not being able to pick me up, but nothing about dropping me off. If he had said he couldn’t drive me back, I would have just budgeted differently or left earlier to make the bus. Buses around my town run until 12 am, but the bus between towns stops running at 10 pm, which I hadn’t known. I did not go in knowing the buses had stopped. If I knew he wasn’t planning on driving me back, I would have double checked about the bus schedules and paid more attention.
- I take the blame for not confirming with him about driving me back. I am not really that upset that he couldn’t drive me back, though I was in the moment. I did, however, expect some kind of concern over how I was going to get back and, at the very least, for him to stay until my Uber arrived. Also, for those who blamed me for getting stranded – I wasn’t stranded. There was no question about the Uber, but I just would have preferred not to as it put a dent in my finances.
- On the issue of me being a gold-digger or taking advantage of him – I’ve paid for dates before. If I had a car I would drive to him. He was the one who suggested the location and time for this date, so I had no problem catching two buses over. And in response to a few annoying comments about gender: if the roles were reversed, I would have driven him back. If I was too tired or didn’t want to drive at night or something, there is no question that I would have waited for his Uber, and paid half of it. Imo that’s just basic decency. Not really sure where the comments whining about “equality” were coming from, as I would have paid half and waited whether I was with a man or a woman.
I think I’ve addressed the main points, so onto the update. So the date happened on Tuesday night. I took an Uber back and got home around midnight. He texted me around 20 minutes after I got home asking if I got home safe. I didn’t respond as I was exhausted and honestly just wanted to shower and sleep. Throughout Wednesday he sent me a few memes in the morning and afternoon, and then stopped texting. Wednesday evening I posted my first post, and after that, later at night he asked if I was mad at him and that he’d just been tired.
I finally responded and told him I wasn’t really mad that he didn’t drive me home, especially since it’s true I didn’t confirm, but I was just disappointed since I wished he would have stayed for the Uber to show up at least. Like, did I wish he drove me home? Sure. But not really that big of a deal that he didn’t. The part where he left me at midnight in an unfamiliar place was kind of the kicker for me. He’s a lot bigger than I am, and I would just felt a lot safer with him there. Once again he said he was just tired and wanted to go home and said I ended up okay and that it was fine.
Honestly, if he’d done a real apology, I probably would have given him another chance. When I didn’t respond to what he said, he kind of moved on and said he already had a place to take me to next time, some restaurant a few miles from his house. He said let’s do a reservation at 8 pm on Saturday and then go out for drinks and then a movie. I kind of wanted to be petty and ask if I should start saving up for an Uber back already, but eventually I just told him that his actions from Tuesday had made me feel very uncared for and that I wasn’t really interested in going out with him for a 6th date.
He immediately started asking if I was serious and that if he’d known it was such a big deal he would have stayed for the Uber (this annoyed me since how did he not know it was a big deal? Why did it not occur to him in the first place that leaving me alone at midnight in an unfamiliar public plaza with bars everywhere might be an issue for me?) and that he really liked me and didn’t want this to ruin things etc etc. He even promised to drive me home next time but I kind of just wanted to wash my hands of this whole thing. I don’t want him to feel forced into driving me and I don’t want him doing things only because he thinks he has to, and I don’t want to be dating someone who doesn’t even think twice about leaving me stranded buzzed somewhere unfamiliar at midnight and then only texting me like an hour later.
He’s still texting me but I haven’t opened those messages yet.
Comments
You would not be TA for breaking it off, this is a legitimate issue. However, to play devil’s advocate he may just be clueless.
You dodged a bullet. If he’s this inconsiderate this early on it’s not going to get any better.
Cut your losses.
It’s so disappointing when someone lets you down like that. You made yourself clear. If he had cared about your safety he would have waited with you. If he cared about you at all he would have driven you home instead of taking a $50 Uber. No need to answer his texts. You made the right choice
Yeah I’d be done.
You definitely dodged a bullet! Big deal he was tired after work. It wouldn’t have taken him long to get you home safely, and that should have been his number one thought. Or, if he was truly THAT exhausted, he could have paid for the Uber and of course waited with you until it arrived. He is selfish
Absolutely fair to be done because he should have driven you home, particularly after he asked you to come to him (even for the next date!!).
Overall you handled everything very well. Small note, though: it sounds like you didn’t ask him to wait for the uber with you? That is a safety issue and a place where going forward you should stick up for yourself and insist he stay.
Good for you.
He’s a spoiled child. He doesn’t actually care about you as a person.
“If I knew you’d stop seeing me over it, I would’ve stayed for your uber!”
Okay but, you should’ve stayed because you cared and wanted me home safe. Not because you lose pussy privileges when you don’t.
I would just reply, “If you couldn’t see that leaving a woman alone, in a strange place, in the middle of the night would make you an undesirable partner, perhaps you shouldn’t be dating. And to answer your question, really, I’m no longer interested, please stop reaching out to me.”
He’s a hobosexual and you dodged a hobobullet!
I think you made the right choice. He’s clearly inconsiderate or just doesn’t give a f*ck. that is not the kind of man you’d want to date as
It’s not your job to educate him. It’s his job to do better.
If he doesn’t understand that a woman would feel unsafe waiting in any area, unfamiliar or not at midnight surrounded by drunk people waiting for a taxi/uber, then he’s selfish and doesn’t care about anyone but himself.
Oh gee, he really likes you? Should you trust his words or his actions on that one?
He only panicked when the situation started to affect him.
You, telling him how you felt (unsafe and uncared for), didn’t make any difference in his attitude. But the moment you told him his actions and behaviour made it clear you didn’t want a relationship with him anymore, he suddenly felt sorry and will do better next time.
I can guarantee you that he will “do better” for one or two dates and then the situation will repeat itself. He seems to only do things that benefit him and doesn’t really care about how his behaviour affects you.
NTA
You totally did the right thing, I agree the main concern is he had no care for your safety, go find your self a man that will care and cherish you even when tired, totally dodged a bullet
You’re such a strong independent women! God forbid you act like one
If you really like someone, you will wait until they were safe and in the Uber.
5th date is best-behavior territory still!!… and he’s too tired to put in ANY level of effort to ensure your safety if it means inconveniencing himself.
The RIGHT guy would have apologized for the miscommunication once it became obvious you had expected a ride, and would have either sucked it up and driven you home a lil early or would have at least chipped in for the uber.
You dodged a bullet. Nicely done.
Some day, years and years from now, you’ll be sitting having coffee with a good friend and you’ll tell the story of the clueless almost-a-boyfriend and you’ll both have a good laugh wondering whatever happened to that guy.
NTA, he knew that leaving you was a shitty thing to do but thought you would get over it. Block him and move on sis 💯 you won’t even remember this loser in a year.
Block him.
Fuck that guy. He’s a loser
ESH. I think the problem boils down to you both made assumptions and didn’t communicate those at all. People can’t meet expectations they don’t know you have. They aren’t mind readers. IF your feeling something in the moment say something.
Every relationship needs mutual respect to the partner, no, let me rephrase that, it DEMANDS mutual respect. He clearly demonstrated his level of respect and caring he has for you.
You did the right thing. Don’t let the love bombs sway you on this.
When I first started dating the woman who would eventually become my wife, it didn’t matter how tired I was. An opportunity to drive her anywhere was an opportunity to spend more time with her and I gladly stepped up every chance I had.
This guy didn’t. And that tells you something about how much he values time with you versus time alone.
No need to second guess yourself. Stick to your guns, you have to look out for yourself, he certainly won’t help.
His fumble
Sounds like you handled this … perfectly.
He’s just not good dating material. You don’t leave a platonic freind waiting alone at night, you definitely don’t leave a person you want to have a romantic relationship with all alone at night. He’s dumb as hell.
This dude is NOT worth it. NTA.
That being said, *always* have a firm plan to get home. And a backup plan. And money set aside for FU money if something goes sideways. And a trusted friend you can call in an emergency.
This all sucks, but guys like this are why we need those backup plans. He’s 23 going on 12. Return to sender/mommy.
You don’t need a good reason to break up with someone. You can end a romantic relationship at any time for any reason at all, and it’s ok.
I wait for Ubers for all my friends- male or female. If one of us is taking the subway or has a car and some of us are taking Ubers or some mix, we all wait until everyone has a secure ride. If we are all taking Ubers we try and wait or match the times, and last person standing we always check on.
So go have a person just leave, when they had a car and could have waited, is a turnoff, regardless of gender or it being a date instead of a friend.
And this is also just a question of preference. I don’t want to date someone who wouldn’t wait 5 minutes to make sure I was safe, just like I wouldn’t date a smoker or someone very religious, not because I judge them, but because it doesn’t fit with my lifestyle. I wish them all the best and hope they find the right match, but it’s not me.
I’m probably being cynical but my personal theory as to why he tried hard to disincentivize you going home is that he wanted you to conclude you should just go home with him instead.