I’m about to be divorced at 37 with 3 school aged kids. I tried to make it work after infidelity. But it didn’t work.
Now I feel doomed—- my kids don’t need a dad. But, practically I can see any single men seeing me as “looking for a dad.”
I hope to one day find a partner to bring some joy to MY life.
Did you feel this way? How did it turn out for you??
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I’ve been a single mum for the past 6 years. I figured I don’t need a man bringing drama and work into my life. If someone amazing comes along, cool. But I’m not actively looking. I find meaning and joy in other ways.
Quite the contrary- I felt relieved and alive when I got divorced. For months every time I came home from work and realized I wasn’t waiting for my ex and his erratic mood to walk through the door at any given time, I was filled with gratitude. I also have 3 kids and I don’t want/can’t have more so I was not at all even thinking about a future man. I was just enjoying getting to be a person and a mom without my ex husband’s vitriol, manipulation and criticism.
If you do ever feel ready to get out there and date, you’ll find that there there are very few guys without history of their own – kids, marriage, big life events.
I understand your concern. I have the same one. Unfortunately so many women do try to replace their childrens father with someone else. My ex husband is a great dad and very involved with our kids, so I don’t like it when people assume I’m dating to replace him as their dad. I just want a partner. They’ve got a dad and I’ve never presented any of the guys I’ve dated to them as being a replacement.
It feels like the end of the world right now but it isn’t.
I was 32, the kids were 9, 6, and 3, when I split for the same reason. It was hard for sure and I definitely felt what you are feeling. I can promise you that it got better for me and it will for you.
I am 36 now, engaged, and he is a wonderful addition to my children’s and my life. Don’t worry about prospective partners thinking you’re looking for a dad for your kids, if that’s how he views it he isn’t the one and that’s fine – most won’t, though.
My fiancé was thrilled to find a ready-made family – he always wanted one, but life hadn’t gone that way for him. Someone will look at you four and feel like this was what they’d been waiting for. Someone is going to feel so blessed to find what your STBX didn’t cherish and protect.
Get through the shit now, it’ll be worth it. Positive vibes your way!
I’m going to divorce at 38 with also 3 children who go to school.
Your children need their father. Your stories are not about them. If I may, let them form their own opinions about him as they grow up. I assume you are hurt and angry but this is an adult story. The bonds your children have with their father are as important as those you yourself have with them – personal opinion.
But yes, I feel broken and emotionally empty. I’m in survival mode and it’s very difficult. I couldn’t start looking for someone. It’s too soon – and it’s been a year since he left. I want to learn to live with me and for me. Find myself. Afterwards… we’ll see.
No not at all. My divorce was a great relief to me because I could give my kids (also 3) the life I actually wanted to give them. I could live a life that was mine. I’m not into men and never wanted to remarry but 13 years out, I still have yet to feel “doomed”. Get out and live. It’s a big world out here.
I looked through your post history. You are anything BUT doomed.
You would have been doomed if you had stayed with that monster.
Milk him for every penny you can and try to keep your kids from having as little to do with him as possible. He is such an unhealthy and sick role model and he doesn’t deserve access to your kids after what he did.. he made his choice.
Old joke: what do you call a married woman with three kids? Single mother of four. I found my life was much easier without dad. It wasn’t easy. But it was easier.
I’ve made it to the other side of this. It was rough getting out of a very bad marriage.
Part of the doom was the actual dread of dealing with my hateful bitter husband, the other part was…perimenopause. Just sayin. Getting my hormones fixed really helped me to get a handle on life.
It is what it is for me. I’ll be older one day. My grandma got re-married in her 70s. I just do what I’m supposed to and do some things I like to do sometimes. Relationships are risky as single parents.
No, I’m generally happy with my life. I went through a lot of hardship tho. Me and my husband were really close to a divorce.
If I ever divorced I’d never consider a parent for anything more than a fling tho. Too much drama and you’re always second to the kids that aren’t even genetically mine. Like why would I do it to myself?
I’m a single mom and divorce was the best thing that could have happened. I was free and and finally happy. And not that I needed a man, but I found a good one who my kids adore and vice versa.
You are just about to be divorced and you’re worried about dating?
I understand this is a concern, but let me put it this way for you.
As someone without kids, I would hate to date someone with kids who jumped from a divorce to never learning how to be alone. I imagine it’s way harder with kids, but I recently dated a divorced guy who was still processing it and deeply emotionally available.
Take a step back. Plenty of people meet someone who has kids. You’re also 37 with children, not some 20 year old.
Def not doomed but dating will be harder than if you were 21, unmarried and no kids.
I’m 36, unmarried, 1 kid, def don’t feel doomed but I get a lot less attention at this age than in my 20s and up to 30 when I was younger, dumber and hotter.
As someone who doesn’t have kids, I still feel doomed lol. Dating is so rough today. I will say that I have found that many guys at this age do have kids, or are at least divorced, so I don’t really think the mature/good guys have that frame of mind honestly.
At first, I did. Then I started to dat a around, and heal, and see the old relationship for what it was and now I feel more alive and grateful to be out of it. I have a new bf now and we live together and things are rolling along nicely.
If being single with kids was a death sentence, then step parents literally wouldn’t exist. Of course it might be harder to find a partner, but in no way approaching impossible.
I am early 30s and going through a divorce with two young children. I am absolutely not looking for a new dad for them, and I don’t want any more kids. I have 50/50 placement with my stbx so I have a good amount of free time. No, I do not feel doomed! I am having the time of my life out there! I’ve found plenty of guys who are happy to keep things a bit more casual and just get together when I don’t have my kids.
What are your eventual goals? I don’t really want to live with or combine finances with a partner again, or at least not until my daughters are much older or out of the house. I think that does help my chances, a lot of guys in their 30s+ seem set in their lives and not really wanting to make room for a partner (a sentiment I see among women as well, although I do laugh when I see “still figuring it out” at 40 on the apps. Like dude, just say you don’t like being tied down and look for similar women!)
I found an incredible partner as a single mom who is just the most amazing and supportive person I could ever ask for. He’s got a great relationship with my son as well and we’re a very happy little family when my son is home and when he’s at his dad’s we get time alone to ourselves
Yes, you’re doomed to be alone. No guy with a working brain would choose to be with you.
At least you have children 🙁 My dream is to be a mom one day and have a family but at 29yo (my fertility window shrinking by the minute) and single with a good head on my shoulders and career, finding suitable nice men these days seems impossible