Okay, so to start with, I’m really ashamed of myself and what happened. For context, we grew up in an VERY EVERY VERY abusive family, so my brother qnd i were very close
At the time, I was 10/11 years old, and my brother was also 10, (I’m 20 now) he was very close to my cousin, and they talked a lot about sex, etc. (I think they also watched adult videos) and probably touching each other because my cousin was very manipulative and yk he was like a “leader” for him if it makes sense
One day my brother for some reason asked me to come on Aunt bed (he saw her having sex on this bed ig) and I accepted, I don’t remember how it started, but I think it was something like “that’s how adults do it” and he started rubbing himself against me and little by little he lowered my pants and tried to penetrate me, I was a little uncomfortable but I let him do it, out of curiosity I guess. like it just.. happened, just like that.. but it wasn’t really sexual in my memories, it was more like a “game” like i didn’t really know why i was doing it, he also (I don’t know if I’m making this up or if it was true since i don’t have all my memories) asked me to penetrate him and I tried even though I wasn’t comfortable with the idea at all, and i finally stopped the “game” because i was uncomfortable but it really happened for no reason, I don’t know how it started, but I immediately regretted it and felt bad
It happened a second time out of the blue when we were sleeping side by side in the dark he rubbed himself against me and tried to penetrate me again but I ended up stopping too after he tried for less than a minute (also because we were underage it didn’t really worked) but I know that at the time I was quite scared, scared that someone would see us and I was ashamed and I knew it was wrong, but it happened so quickly, and he tried several times to do things to me after that but I didn’t accept because i though it was disgusting and I didn’t want him to touch me..
It lasted like not even 2 minutes both times it was pretty quick (he had no orgasms and neither did i, it was just like boring for me and i didn’t really liked it) but it was just like that, and at the time I easily followed what others wanted for some reason, I accepted everything for some reason, i was easily influenced (like really) i would do anything you ask me too if you looked confident enough, and i know he wasn’t a bad person because i didn’t said no, i was curious too, but i didn’t liked it obviously and was very anxious while it was happening
It’s only been two days since my memories got unlocked for some reason and I’m just sleeping all day to avoid thinking about it, even eating makes me want to throw up because of flashbacks
I also experienced cocsa from my cousin (yes the same cousin my brother was close with) but it was very clearly cocsa unfortunately like rape etc. Today I have always had difficulty with sexual relations and physical contact it reminds me of them every time and it disgusts me and i don’t know what to do, i need real answers
Btw sorry English is not my first language so sorry for the spelling mistakes
And i already posted this story but i need help
Comments
I’m really sorry you went through this you did nothing wrong and what happened to you was abuse please reach out to a therapist or a hotline you deserve healing and support
Firstly i feel for you and hope you find peace.
One thing I’ve found here that adults don’t often talk about is that a lot of kids experiment n at growing up. I also carry guilt from when i was a child.
The biggest thing that hopefully will help is to know that you aren’t alone🩵🩵🩵
You were a kid in a really messed-up situation. What happened wasn’t your fault.
Actually, this happens pretty often, there’s nothing too bad about it, you were just kids.
that’s some heavy stuff u/unloaded here. No BS, I believe it’s super important to talk about ur experiences and feelings, gettin’ it out of your system. It may hurt rn and may feel awkward AF, but trust me, it gets better in the long run
My sweet child. I hope you find peace. Please, I urge you to go seek help. Counselling, therapy, psychiatric help. You need a good supposed system in your life right now. I hope you do it. I’m sorry this happened to you
It sounds like your brother may not have understood at that age that the brother/sister relationship was not the right one to do these acts with. I think he more so took it as boy/girl and figured you’re his sister why not give it a go with you! I could be wrong. But if you didn’t know for sure, why would he? Maybe looking back he is beaten up about what he did too. How is your relationship with him now? Could you talk about it? Or go to therapy to get all your feelings out?
5consent. I’m so sorry all this is part of your history. I too have some messed up & complicated relationships with a sibling because of this and it has stayed with me in ways I do not wish upon anyone. Please talk with someone you trust who can help you process that you cannot consent as a child.
Friend, children are targets because they haven’t learned 1) what it looks like when they are being manipulated and 2) how to stand up for themselves ever when it’s uncomfortable.
You were a kid. Forgive yourself.
This happened with my younger sister I’m 30 now and I was the one who initiated the game. It went on from 8 to like 12 I thought it was normal . I have immense guilt because I feel as if I’m the reason she is gay. Nothing wrong with that I just feel like I stripped her of her identity and she didn’t have a choice. I have apologized as an adult we don’t talk about it though. She’s my very best friend and I never meant to hurt her. I hope things get better for you !