Me (f32) and my bf(m32) have been talking about if or if not we want kids. I have had lots of health issues and the last couple of years it has been somehow a goal to be Healthy enough to be able to get pregnant and have a child. But this summer i started to realize that… i don’t have to. The last year my health has improvisation drastically, i met my bf and we got engaged after about 1,5 year, and there was Big changes as my brother died of cancer and i broke contact with my father which has always been hard. When i first had the thought that i might don’t want kids i cried for hours. Now i feel like my life opens up when I Think that i don’t have to have kids. People around me are pregnant and have newly borns, and i just feel like… no(?). It feels like i have all the opportunities in the world when I Think about not having a kid. Me and my bf have not made a decision, we Will wait a couple of years.
You who thought you would have a child but decided not to, how did the decision change your life? How did it make you feel? I have basically always thought that i would have a kid, but now that i am starting to come close to a decision it feels more and more like something that isn’t for me.
Thank you all for such a great subreddit
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It didn’t. I never gave much though to having children. I thought of it as a must do, until I realized I don’t have to. We agreed on it easily, because he was truly OK with either. And now we’re both glad we made this choice. Every hardship we face would be way harder to deal with while having children.
I never wanted kids, so my life didn’t change.
I deliberately and proactively grieved when I hit 40 because I didn’t want to be one of those people who latched onto any rando to get themselves knocked up stat because they’d always just assumed from childhood that they’d have kids.
It never ceases to amaze me how many people just assume without ever thinking whether they’ll enjoy it, whether they can do it (physically/mentally/financially etc) and whether they’ll actually be GOOD at it – because let’s face it, many parents are atrocious at parenting and actively harming the kids they claim to love.
Each passing year since that grieving period (over a decade now), I’ve enjoyed being CF more and more. No regrets whatsoever. And it’s possible there’s some self-selection going on, but every other CF person I’ve met my age feels the same.
Kudos to you for challenging the norm (no matter what you finally decide) – it’s not easy in a world where CF are usually judged as less than.
The perk of being childfree is that you don’t have to change your life in order to do it. In fact that’s often the point. I don’t want my life to change so why would I add kids to it?
It was mostly an internal change. I felt lighter, relieved, and excited about my future when I definitively made that decision. There was a little bit of sadness just knowing my life would not take the same trajectory as most people’s lives, and I would not get to celebrate some of the same traditional milestones either. Still, my decision has become more solid as time goes on.
For me, it’s helped me to not feel rushed in finding a partner or even wanting one because I’m not trying to find the future father of my children. I’m currently single by choice and not sure if I want to have a partner at all.
It can be a little tough feeling distant from some of my friends who become parents but I live in a progressive area so it shouldn’t be hard to find other CF people to befriend. Sometimes when I’m going through a hard time (like even just being sick), I’m relieved I don’t have to take care of a child on top of what I’m going through.
I’m not rich, but not having the same expenses as a parent has helped me enjoy a better quality of life. I’m also just grateful that I’m not as beholden to school schedules when I plan a vacation, and I don’t need to try to live near a good school.
When I was a teenager it became glaringly obvious that I wouldn’t be able to support giving birth to or raising children. Back then I felt like I would be unloved, that I probably wouldn’t live long anyway, and I focused on having adventure and getting out. I lived a bit of a loose life for a while, didn’t get a lot of connections. But now at 36, with an education and a career, with a partner and my pets, I’m so happy. I’m so so so glad that I couldn’t have children, I love kids and worked with them for years, but I wouldn’t be able to keep up with them at all. With my health already declining, I’m weak and struggle with pain, even my cat can seem like a lot sometimes. I get to be an awesome adult, educator, animal care leader, maybe go back to school to be a veterinarian. My finances are simple, no one is relying on me to survive. I find it quite freeing.
It was a sudden and immense relief. It felt almost like an epiphany, but I was very young (18) when I realized that having children is a choice and one I could refuse. I never once had a moment’s doubt. I got my tubes tied at 25 and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
For me, the decision to be child-free wasn’t one lightning-bolt moment, it was more of a gradual peeling back of “inherited scripts” I thought I was supposed to follow. I’m 38 now, married since 27 and very much in that life stage where most people around me are buried under diapers and toddler chaos. I never quite WANTED kids as such and assumed I’d have kids “someday,” if I strongly feel like it but as I built a life with my partner, the “someday” never actually felt like something I wanted.
My partner and I both travel a lot for work, we love being able to say yes to opportunities, or even just have a weekend where nothing is dictated by nap schedules. There’s an expansiveness to realizing our lives don’t need to bend around children… we get to bend them around us.
It also made me confront feelings of being “different.” Sometimes there’s loneliness when friends drift into the kid bubble and can’t relate anymore. But on the flip side, it’s sharpened my ability to invest in friendships and projects that really feed me… little rituals that give me a sense of community and continuity without needing kids to supply that.
Spiritually, there’s a lot of peace in knowing I don’t have to be a “forever home” person, or a “forever parent” person. My husband and I are both okay with the fact that our lives might look different from the script, and that difference is actually a strength. It makes me feel lighter, more aligned with who I really am, and less trapped by what I thought my 20-year-old self “should” do.
So to your point, when I let go of the expectation of kids, I didn’t feel like I was closing a door. I felt like I was opening a hundred other ones.
Getting sterilized was an immense relief. There was no longer any fear of the dangers pregnancy would pose with my health problems. Knowing for certain that my life wouldn’t be derailed in a very harmful way brought a lot of peace and security. To be honest, it’s also better sexually to be free of fears of the danger of unwanted pregnancy.
I do like babies and kids, but I would be more than happy being an aunt to friend’s kids, supporting them emotionally and intellectually. Each child, tbh, could use a lot more care than just 2 parents can give. You aren’t under any obligation to give birth if it’s not the right decision for you.
The pressure, stress, worry, and fear were gone.
My life didn’t change and that was the whole point for me. I loved my life just the way it was and didn’t want to add anything to it.
Once I decided, I could finally put myself first.
As a fence sitter, so many decisions were impacted by future potential children… Where to live (did it have good schools and nurseries), what job to take (did it have a good maternity policy and potential to go part time) and even health decisions (e.g not wanting to take a long term medication which I’d need to come off if the time came for a baby).
Deciding to be child free takes all that complication off the table and I can put myself first.
It didn’t; that’s the whole point.
I like my life the way it is (external and societal issues aside), and having a child would completely change that. I’m good.
My husband and I have been together almost 20 years. I had originally kind of been on the fence whether or not I wanted them. I think I was so unsure because I was putting too much emphasis on what you’re “supposed to do”. You know, the adult checklist… go to college, get a career, get married, buy a house, have kids = you’re an adult. But once I stopped to really think about it, I realized I didn’t really want to be pregnant and raise a child in this world. I was just considering it because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do.
Letting go of other’s expectations of me was the key. I never cared as much as a lot of others seem to about what people think of me, but once I was around 30 or so, I REALLY stopped caring. And my life has been a lot better since then.
I got a bisalp this summer, and a weight I didn’t fully realize I was carrying around has been lifted.
I can’t quite speak to changing my mind. But a friend of mine just wrote a lovely piece that touched on accepting that she was indeed choosing to be childfree. And the quote that stuck me was.
“I realized I didn’t long for it enough to give up the life I had built.”