I married when I was 18, to the first person I had ever dated. When I was 37 we got divorced and I tried out online dating. Like many people coming out of a long marriage, I went on dates and had fun. I had some casual flings and some one night stands, mixed in with some relationships here and there and unfortunately a few non-consensual encounters.
Over time I got tired of casual so I stopped entertaining it. Now I’ve been off and on the apps for about 6 years, and my “body count” has creeped up to the 20’s over that time.
My last boyfriend constantly brought up my past dating history, relationships and sexual experiences. Actually during our last fight, after a year and a half of dating, he suddenly started to say he didn’t know if I had the same values as he did (he’s also had causal flings but his body count was around 10) he said that I wasn’t traditional, and he was re-thinking us. It was super hurtful and the relationship fell apart. The conversation started because he started asking a bunch of questions about a time when I was essentially raped. So you can imagine how him suddenly judging me was a shock.
It’s been a few months now and I’m mostly past him and am living my life. However sometimes I have fears that if I try to date again sometime, I will be judged again harshly like that.
Have you experienced similar situations? Do you think most men care a lot about this? Do you just lie about your experiences or number of partners?
Comments
I think I’m too much of a bitch for this because I will just tell men off for shit like this.
I also don’t even want to date someone who is grown and keeping track of who they’ve fucked. We would not be aligned
What type of men are you dating that care about this? This is the kind of bs that teenagers and insecure guys in their early 20s talk about. I have many close male friends, more than females to be honest, and stuff like this is not a thing in their minds. Who even keeps count of a number?
Confident, secure, grown ass men do not care about body count. The vast majority of them will never even ask (they may ask about things like when you were last tested, which is entirely what they should be doing).
It wasn’t his or anyone’s business!! But now that you see his reaction move on. Next time don’t kiss and tell
I think men who are fixated on your sexual history are misogynistic and will always use it against you
Consider not sharing your sexual history with people. It’s none of their business. If someone wants to know to see if it aligns with their values, just tell them it’s not going to work out.
It’s a conversation that I don’t have with boyfriends. It’s irrelevant and serves no purpose. General dating history, maybe because stories come up, but counts and intimate details, no way.
I’ve never run into this and I’ve only seen it talked about online.
The type of men who care have a high probability of having other problematic beliefs. So I wouldn’t bother lying because why would I be vying for the approval of someone I automatically know has way different values than me?
I think this type of person probably has strong opinions on purity (wonder if that extends beyond sex?), enjoys having an excuse to hate and shame women, and probably has other problematic attitudes toward sex.
I also think misogynists share a lot of ven diagram overlap with racists, transphobia, xenophobia and every other type of bigotry. It’s a blessing in disguise when they fly the red flag before you’ve become too enmeshed.
>My last boyfriend constantly brought up my past dating history, relationships and sexual experiences.
Protip: do not make men like this your boyfriend.
>he suddenly started to say he didn’t know if I had the same values as he did (he’s also had causal flings but his body count was around 10) he said that I wasn’t traditional, and he was re-thinking us.
Lol, he’s salty that he hasn’t gotten as much sex as you. It’s not his “values” that have kept his number low.
>The conversation started because he started asking a bunch of questions about a time when I was essentially raped.
This is horrifying. Please, please seek therapy to learn what red flags you ignored to get involved with someone like this, so that you never do again.
When I was 16, this guy I had a flirty relationship with called me a slut for kissing two boys at a summer program. Those were my first kisses, too. Mind you this guy had previously hooked up with my friend and was building a long distance relationship with another of my friends and told me that when he came to visit her he wanted to also kiss me to see if we had chemistry.
Suffice to say navel gazing douchebags will find anything they can to try and tear you down. Secure adults don’t ask about sexual history beyond what is relevant to their and your mental and physical health.
When I got with my last ex, he seemed to think it was cool that I had an adventurous sex life before meeting him, and that I was open minded/had a high libido. Then after some time, he slowly started making rude comments under the guise of being “jokes”. He himself had a lot of casual sex in the past, but one time the topic of threesomes came up and he asked if I’d had one before. I was honest and said I’d done it twice, he apparently had never tried it. We went through a pretty rough patch for a while and one day out of no where he started going on about how sex to him was an intimate act, he only wants to have sex with people he loves, he’d never have a threesome because sex should be for people in love, yada yada. Didn’t make any sense to me because he probably has a higher body count than me, and had plenty of one night stands since we broke up (we had an on again off again situation, I’d find these things out after). Just came across really immature and insecure tbh. My boyfriend now would never shame me, appreciates sex in the same way I do, and I’ve never been more ful(filled). Best to be with someone who has the same mindset when it comes to intimacy, not gonna make that mistake again