Without having to go too far back, I’m (39 F) in a situation with a former best friend (39 F) that is beginning to wear on me and I’m looking for advice on how to proceed. Sorry if this is long but this is somewhat years of context. If you care to read, thank you in advance!
“M” and I were best friends in high school through my mid/later 20s, and eventually I realized she was just not always a nice person and I began to understand that the relationship wasn’t reciprocal either. We had a falling out due to it, and eventually we “made up” but I accepted that things wouldn’t be the same (and I was ok with it). I moved away in my earlier 20s and our friendship had been long distance. I’d still see her some after the falling out but I was always guarded because she made me feel like it was a hassle to get together in some way (hence the initial issue of reciprocation). Important to note, our husbands get along very well and enjoyed getting together as well but don’t interact really outside of us.
Fast forward, I moved home 2 years ago around this time after unexpectedly receiving a job teaching at a local university. It was very fast and my husband stayed behind due to me not being quite sure if I’d like it/not wanting him to quit his job and move as a teacher after his school year already started. When I arrived here I didn’t reach out immediately but I suspect through the grapevine or perhaps an IG story she knew I was here. Important side note: I had just been visiting on and off over the summer, when I arrived I texted her and she essentially said oh ok great. I found out the next day there was an event the night before after I had texted her that everyone I/we knew attended (I was invited on Facebook, it was a friend’s business opening, but it had been months and I probably assumed I wouldn’t be in town and forgot). I was annoyed that she wouldn’t even mention said event to me where I could easily see all of our other friends etc. who I just hadn’t reached out to yet (I often didn’t know exactly when I was coming into town). Husband and I went off traveling for the summer and so I reached out when we got back to our family in our hometown before coming back home and offered to get together. She offered to go to breakfast. Morning of I heard nothing. I finally received an IG dm from her saying she couldn’t go bc she “needed to rest.” A little annoying but ok, I’d come to expect it. Also, why cancel via IG?
Ok fast forward back to abruptly moving here which was just after all this transpired a month or so before. My start at the university wasn’t smooth and for obvious reasons I didn’t JUMP on reaching out to her that I was back. A couple weeks in was my birthday and she reached out to tell me happy birthday. I replied thank you and said hey FYI I moved back. If you ever would like to get together just let me know I’m available these times x, y, x. Hope you’re well.
I did not and still have not received a response.
Coincidentally at the same time I suppose she decided to do in vitro and became pregnant (we had discussed this a loootttt previously and I actually encouraged her to look into her infertility to her hesitation initially when we were younger). I was genuinely really confused that I just…never heard from her, and she loves to blast social media so it felt very…in my face. I was definitely hurt and confused but I practice radical acceptance and just applauded her via social media and kind of moved on. I was here alone without my husband (which when I told her I was here I mentioned as well) and it felt like well…she obviously doesn’t want to have involvement or care about my life. Ces’t la vie.
We have a mutual friend “A” who also kind of had a recent falling out at the same time due to issues I’d had before (saying rude things, “M” made “A” cry twice at gatherings). “A” and I hung out a lot and we don’t have kids and still like to get a little wild at this age and go to shows etc. We used to do stuff like this with M and M was my former rave buddy for extra info.
After “M” had the baby she invited everyone to see the baby (which is totally normal yes) and posted all these photos of friends coming, even inviting a group of friends that were basically people she knew through “A” but never invited “A.” Again we both would just be like wow that’s crazy, accept and move on. However when she had the baby her husband texted mine and eventually texted “it’s a shame we don’t hang out anymore” to my husband (ummm?). My husband would just be polite and reply like yes well it is…
However eventually I felt “M” begin to “bug” me more on social media. Reply to IG stories, send me random things, etc. I thought it was weird but it was intermittent and she always says she has mental health issues so maybe being a new mom was just overwhelming her and she needed to reach out to people, who knows. I’d “heart it” or politely reply with a thanks and move on.
Then I noticed she rsvp’d yes to a couple events I was invited to that she’d never show up to prior. There were a couple I couldn’t go to and rsvp’d no to and she ended up not going either. I started to feel like she was trying to seek me out without having to reach out? Well fast forward to this fall it was our reunion this weekend and said she was coming. She HATED hs and was kind of a grump throughout and rsvp’d yes (she def didn’t go to the last one I wasn’t at). Both “A” and I were going and another mutual who still talks to M said full on I cannot believe she’s coming. I showed up and A and I were both nervous but oh well. We’re adults. Also to add, same mutual told “A” previously “M” knows she was rude prior and needed to apologize but “didn’t know how.”
Day of reunion, M walks in, with her baby on her hip and says hi to me along with a group of other people I know. I felt forced into
It but I was polite and cordial, smiled at the baby etc (she is pregnant again) but not OVERLY polite. It was kind of my motto I won’t be rude but I’m not going to go out of my way for people who’ve kind of made me feel like they’ve denied my existence, her and husband. She asked me where my husband was bc her husband wanted to talk to him etc (and they did). Eventually I see her just look angry and walk out without saying goodbye to anyone with her husband and baby. “A” told me she was polite and gave her a hug, I did not do that but I certainly wasn’t mean. I didn’t talk to husband but he didn’t exactly talk to me either. “M” proceeds to send “A” texts that night like “thank you for being nice about the baby” and “sorry I left without saying goodbye” etc.
The next day I wake up (this past Sunday) and M has removed on social media.
I’m truly perplexed by this situation. How can someone be angry at me after ignoring me like that for 2 years. She still has never actually texted or called me other than childish weird backhanded dm’s very intermittently. I’ve tried to be polite for everyone’s sake but I don’t know what to do.
So I ask, do I reach out to her and explain myself? Yay or nay? I wrote a polite message but apart of me feels like I’m being very potentially…manipulated? I don’t know and in the situation I have a hard time not feeling like the bad person.
If you read all of this wow, you’re the realest! For further context, I overall generally have really good friendships otherwise and some really dear close friends throughout my home country but this one just…baffles me.