Sorry in advance for the long post and my jumping around in this story, things are still currently developing and it is a lot to take in. I (20F) am living with my parents. My mom (61F) recently decided to divorce my dad (74M) after he backed out of their mutual decision to sell the home they’ve lived in for 19 years and build a smaller home with no stairs as they are getting older and need to start planning for the future. This was not the entire reason for her decision to file for divorce, but it was the last straw for her. She’s refused to tell any of their 8 children the main reason, which we have all, for the most part, respected and supported her in this decision as their marriage has never been “healthy”.
Today I was cleaning out a closet at my mother’s request and came across the letter she had written to my dad with the main reason she had decided she could not stay married to him after hearing him tell my older siblings and all of his friends and family that the house was the only reason she had to leave him. He sent multiple messages in a group chat with all of us kids essentially persuading us to see that she was in the wrong and he would be turned out on the streets with nothing. She was adamant that none of us kids needed to know her reason, as it predated all of us, and she is currently in therapy and will be discussing things there. It was an unlabeled piece of paper and since I was throwing things away, I needed to know if it was important.
As it turns out, my dad had convinced my mom to start engaging in sexual activities with him when she was 12 and he was 26. They were neighbors and she was mainly unsupervised as a child, her mom was a single mother working fully time with no support from her family. Things went further before she even fully hit puberty, and led to her getting an abortion at 14, as he was accused of being with a minor, and she could not keep the pregnancy without him going to jail (the situation was not detailed in the letter, so I am not sure of the exact circumstances). They later got married when she was 16 and him 30, when she was yet again pregnant but old enough now for them to not run into problems. My mom has kept these details a secret from everyone in her life and has never told a soul.
My dad has always been controlling about money, going as far as to question her every time she mentions wanting to buy something, and saying things like “what with my money?”. My dad worked for their entire marriage until he turned 60 and retired while my mom was a stay-at-home mom who homeschooled all 8 of their children until my dad retired and she started working full-time. She is currently still working, his only income being from his retirement fund and SSA money. While he worked hard to provide for his family he was an absentee parent and mainly wanted nothing to do with his children when we got to the age where we would speak up about our own opinions and choices, leaving the entirety of our upbringing to our mom other than discipline.
I have never had a good relationship with my father and feel no sympathy for him in this situation and struggle to see anything other than the need to cut him out of our lives and move on. My best friend is encouraging me to speak to my mom about the situation now that I know the reasons behind her decision. Do I do this? I’m worried it will hurt her more than staying silent would, as she’s gone to such lengths to keep this from her kids and is now working through things with a professional.
Edit- it was not my mom’s closet but his, she was not aware the letter was in there. He never did anything to any of their kids to my knowledge (im one of the younger ones and can only speak for 5/8. We didn’t really have friends at the house growing up which could’ve been due to this). My mom seems to have done her best to minimize any situation where this might have been a bigger problem and contained it to just herself. She got an attorney and in about a month will get possession of the house and split assets. The main concern with telling her I know is that, in every aspect, she is a very private person and while she tells me and my siblings a lot, she has refused to talk about this situation when it was brought up outright by multiple of her kids, us having asked if this was what happened. She may be more hurt than comforted by my knowing.
Comments
I’m so sorry you’re carrying all of this at once. Losing the people you love, especially when it feels like one after another, can make the world feel unreal and unbearable. You’re not doing anything wrong; surviving through this pain is proof of your strength, even if it doesn’t feel like it. It’s okay to grieve, to feel lost, to let yourself break. You don’t have to have all the answers right now. Just hold on to the smallest things that remind you you’re still here, still breathing, still surviving.
Maybe it was no accident she asked you to clean out that closet where she’d put a note she’d written containing all the things you’re saying she’s adamant she won’t disclose. Maybe if, note in hand, you approach her gently and let her know you are here for her in every way. Make a cup of tea and sit with her. Don’t push; just be available. She might be ready to start to unpack and let go. She’s probably not wanting to do that to one of her children though.
Speak to your mom.
Tell her she can count on you.
Don’t tell her you found the letter.
Bring it up as you doing the math.
Your father knew what he was doing, he can now live with the consequences.
His soon to be ex wife now has to work, because he used her as an unpaid bangmaid for most of her life, convinced that she’d stay silent and submissive, just because he was older.
Urge your mom to go see a lawyer, and demand her share of his pension, and the house.
If a couple agrees one partner stays home with the children, they become a single income household.
That one income belongs to both partners.
There is no ‘my money’, when one partner takes on the entire household unpaid.
In the Netherlands, she could even go for backpayment for her labor, for all the years she managed his household for free.
Go to your mom and give her a long hug. Tell her you love her and you’re truly sorry she had to go through all this and had no one to protect her.
See how she reacts, if she justs accepts this leave it there, otherwise tell her that you’ve won’t say anything to the others and you’ve had to check before you throw anything important away. She did give you permission to go through her private stuff with that.
Just be there for her and be in her corner. She probably won’t talk to you about it, which is the right thing to do, but it’s also a good feeling to know that there’s someone in your family who knows, has your back, loves you endless and just lets you be.
Most important part is to let her take the lead here. She was robbed of this for her entire life. She gets to make the choices about herself, her story and how she wants to proceed. So really just love her and be there for her.
Let her know that you know and she doesn’t need to keep hiding out of a misplaced sense of shame. What your father did was despicable and unforgivable.
i would tell her, promise it stays with you, and let her know you are there to support her in whatever way she chooses. i think it would be a relief for someone else to know even if it’s never spoken of again.
My mom was 14 my dad was 24. He got her and another girl pregnant and his father, my grandfather, made him marry the youngest one, my mom. The other teen gave her baby up for adoption. AFAIK nobody was arrested either.
She has tried extremely hard to keep you guys in the dark. I’d not tell her.
Idk if you should tell her about the letter or not, but I’m so glad she’s working through this with a therapist.
It sounds like your mother is embarrassed about a situation that your dad should be embarrassed about, not her. Your dad is a predator. He raped a 12 year old girl when he was 26 years old. He’s a pedophile. And I’m sorry to say this, but I doubt he stopped. Has he ever molested you or any of your siblings? I’d be shocked if he hasn’t at the very least been inappropriate with you or your friends.
I cannot imagine finding out something like that about my dad. How horrible. Not your fault, not your mother’s fault, but entirely your dad’s doing. This is all on him. He raped your mother over the course of years until she was “legally old enough” to marry. Then he married her and kept her a prisoner ~ 8 children! all homeschooled! ~ for her entire life. He’s still trying to control her using the house. He’d rather see the woman he has been married to for 45 years and who gave him eight children be homeless and penniless and living on the street than give her a divorce and the money she needs to restart her life. I cannot think of not one single good thing to say about your father. I actually hope your mother had an affair, and you are the product of that, making your father not your dad.
Talk to your mom. Tell her what you know. Actually, you & your siblings had to figure this out for yourself long before you found the letter. Your mother is 61, and your eldest sibling is 45. And your dad is 13 years older than your mother, so you had to know that he was 29 and she was 16 when their first child was born. You can do math.
Cut off your dad. Help your mom. Good luck.
No need to bring any letter up imo. Just tell her that you support her. And in your gc, tell here that as well. There will be a right time to tell her about finding the letter, like when the final divorce letter arrives.
sorry but how did she manage to keep all these details a secret… when simple math would tell you that oldest sibling is 16 years younger than your mother and that it would put her at 16 and having his kid while he was 30, which is already creepy as shit. Teh earlier few years, sure, but when someone gets knocked up and has a kid with a 16yr old I would already assume the relationship started earlier than that and any 30yr old going after a 16 or younger year old is a creep already.