I was 18, stupid, naive, and never received any sex ed. I thought that cycle tracking and the pull out method would be effective. It wasn’t. I rashly got engaged to my 17 year old boyfriend three months into our relationship, broke it off after about another month, and then promptly found out I was pregnant. I knew immediately that I had made a grave mistake and was utterly distraught. The father and I were both extremely mentally unwell and unstable, not ready or mature enough for the immense responsibility of having a baby, and unable to provide our own home for our child. To make matters worse, the father of my child then descended (unbeknownst to me) into the depths of fentanyl and meth addiction. I do not believe in abortion, so I could not consider that as an option. I contemplated adoption, but faced immense pressure from my family to keep the baby; I also feared giving him over to strangers with no means of knowing what their motivations were or what abuses he might suffer, and the father said that he would contest the decision in court (both parents must consent) and him having full custody was a frightening possibility. I fell into the depths of depression as every path before me seemed bleak and unfair to my innocent baby. The mental illnesses I suffer from are disabling and I am unable to work full time – with my boyfriend (my child’s father and I got back together) losing his job, admitting to me the truth of his addiction, and ever-escalating his abuse toward me – I realized I would be unable to move out and would have to rely on my family – meaning my child and I would have to live with my father, the man who S A ‘d me in teenagehood.
Now, my son’s father is recovering, making behavioral changes, has participated in multiple long-term treatment plans and attends therapy. Because of these hopeful improvements, we decided to get married in hopes that our son having both parents be together, loving toward each other, and in the same household, would give him a better and more secure childhood. However, my husband just started a 4-month jail sentence for a DUI charge he got over a year ago, and relapsed on meth shortly before being incarcerated. We will be able to move out as soon as he is released, but for the moment my son and I are stuck living with my parents. I know neither me nor my husband are fully fit parents and I grieve the stability and emotional safety that my son deserves but I know will lack. Children are powerless victims of the carelessness, immaturity, and irresponsibility of the adults around them and I know these are not the circumstances he would’ve chosen to be born into. Every child deserves a childhood they don’t have to recover from. I owe him everything; he owes me nothing. I’m trying my best to be the mother he deserves, but I know I am failing and can’t help but think I should’ve chosen a different path. I regret so many of my decisions I have made in his life already. He is worthy of everything I cannot give him, and none of the trauma he will have to suffer as a result of his parents’ actions.
Edit to say: we are now 20 and 19. My son is 10 months old.
Comments
In the end a child only wishes for your genuine happiness, if you focus on your own acceptance of joy for what life has to offer the rest follows and flows
Poor kid.. goddamn
I can tell you are a good parent already, just from this post. Bad parents don’t give a shit about being bad parents. They don’t even think about whether or not they’re good or bad. Trust me.
If you can, I’d suggest trying to get into some sort of therapy. Make sure your baby is safe by keeping him away from his dad while he’s using meth. DHS/CPS might get called on you guys if they find out he’s been using.
You’re already doing SO much right. You’re making a plan to keep your baby safe when his dad gets out of jail. You don’t have to keep him away from dad forever, just until dad gets and stays sober for a while. Remember that relapse is a normal part of getting sober, so just make sure he’s not the only one caring for your baby when he does come back around (as in, don’t leave him alone with your baby). Feel free to DM me if you need help figuring out next steps.