I (45f) love cats and my husband (46m) does not. I had a cat before we got married that he tolerated. When the cat got into his last year or two, he started going to the bathroom around the house, which really upset my husband. The cat passed away a couple of years ago.
Ever since, I have been dying to get a kitten, but my husband is dead against it. We already have a dog, so it wouldn’t be any more trouble when we go on trips, as we already have a kid who takes care of our dog. I know there would be the general expenses that come with another pet.
We are well off, but also have a lot of expenses between kids who have expensive hobbies and a nice house. My husband says we just don’t need something else to take care of.
All my friends have always said just bring a kitten home, he will get over it, but I don’t know if I would be the a$$h$$$$. My friends brought me a kitten once that they found in the road and I took care of it for a day and then my husband said it had to go. The kids and I were so sad. Luckily my friend adopted it.
WIBTA if I just said this is what I’m doing and did it?
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I (45f) love cats and my husband (46m) does not. I had a cat before we got married that he tolerated. When the cat got into his last year or two, he started going to the bathroom around the house, which really upset my husband. The cat passed away a couple of years ago.
Ever since, I have been dying to get a kitten, but my husband is dead against it. We already have a dog, so it wouldn’t be any more trouble when we go on trips, as we already have a kid who takes care of our dog. I know there would be the general expenses that come with another pet.
We are well off, but also have a lot of expenses between kids who have expensive hobbies and a nice house. My husband says we just don’t need something else to take care of.
All my friends have always said just bring a kitten home, he will get over it, but I don’t know if I would be the a$$h$$$$. My friends brought me a kitten once that they found in the road and I took care of it for a day and then my husband said it had to go. The kids and I were so sad. Luckily my friend adopted it.
WIBTA if I just said this is what I’m doing and did it?
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> I’m worried my husband will be mad if I get a cat without his consent.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YWBTA. Getting a cat against your husband’s wishes would be disrespectful, have a conversation first instead.
Obviously YWBTA. Your husband does not want to live with a cat. You’ve already pushed this by bringing home a kitten he didn’t want, and he justifiably asked for it to be re-homed. Imagine you hated snakes and your husband kept trying to bully you into having snakes in the house, nagging you all the time about, talking to his friends who provoked him to just get a snake anyway, and even bringing some snake he found in the street into your home. Would you not feel incredibly uncomfortable and disrespected by this? Why would you even want your husband to feel uncomfortable in his home by bringing animals into it that he doesnt want?
YTA getting a pet is a 2 yes. And 1 no decision
YWBTA – pets are a 2 yes/1 no situation. As much as you love and miss having a cat around, bringing one home without your spouse’s agreement would be an AH move.
Yta. And the fact that your friends are saying that means they’re bad too.
Do you like snakes or rodents(rats, ferrets) as pets? Aquatic animals? Spiders?
Flip the script. If your husband brought home a new pet without your consent, would you just ‘get over it’?
I understand wanting a pet, but bringing an animal into a shared house automatically becomes a shared responsibility. Forcing that responsibility on your SO is unfair.
A kitten is a pleasant pet, and cats are great – but is that worth the damage it could cause to your relationship?
YWBTA.
Yeah, YWBTA if you just brought a cat home without his agreement. Pets affect the whole household, and he’s made it clear he doesn’t want one after what happened with your last cat. Ignoring that would only cause resentment and conflict, and it’s not fair to force him into it just because you want one. If you really miss having a cat, maybe try fostering, volunteering, or waiting until he’s more open to the idea, but going behind his back would just hurt your relationship
We had this issue when my first dog passed. Hubs said no more dogs but I’ve had dogs my whole life. I couldn’t imagine living my life without one. So I bought a 6 week old puppy. That puppy he didn’t want became his best friend for 14 yrs and I’ve never seen him more upset when she passed. We now have another but it’s a rescue. So I don’t necessarily believe that someone else should stop you from what you love. They don’t have to love or take care of the cat. It can be your cat.
YWBTA. It’s clear that he doesn’t want a cat, doesn’t enjoy having one, and will be extremely unhappy if you force it. You have a dog and kids and a life, you’ll be ok without a cat.
Yes. You would be the asshole and your friends are jerks.
You don’t just fuck around with someone’s enjoyment of their home and expect them to shut the fuck up and deal with it because you want something. If he did that to you you’d be fucking LIVID and your friends would tell you to divorce him.
“… My friends brought me a kitten once that they found in the road and I took care of it for a day and then my husband said it had to go. The kids and I were so sad.”
Also I missed this originally but your friends are interfering in your marriage deliberately and disrespectfully and you are ALL total shitheads for forcing him to assert himself (on his healthy boundary) at the cost of looking like a villain to his own children.
You are a bad spouse and a parent and you already treated him like shit once. If you did this to me a second time I’d think hard about leaving you. Like I would be seeing attorneys. I would be livid. I’m usually not an angry person and just the thought of how cruel and disrespectful this would be is making my heart race.
Sadly, YWBTA in this situation. I also love cats, but can’t have one because I have birds. While I would never have my birds and a cat out at the same time, it would still be extremely stressful for my birds to have a predator constantly prowling around. Sometimes, as hard as it is, we have to think of the other people and animals in our household and put their needs and wants above our own. I would say keep talking to him and just be honest about how you feel. He might come around one day, but going behind his back would just break trust and cause more harm than good.
YWBTA. Don’t do it.
How would you feel if your husband signed you both up for a ten to fifteen year project that he knew you were dead set against? It’s not about the cat. It’s about the profound disrespect you seem to have for your partner’s happiness and comfort in his own home. YWBTA
It’s better to ask forgiveness than permission. Just do it.
Yeah, YWBTA. Pets are a shared responsibility, and it would be really disrespectful to bring home a kitten without talking it over first, especially when you already know he’s against it. I’d love to have a cat someday myself, but my boyfriend is allergic, so I’ve just had to accept it’s not something that will work for us.
Clear YWBTA.
You must have all house members’ permission before bringing a pet to the house. That’s how these things work.
Dogs are better.
You the asshole. Never bring an animal into a home where it’s not wanted. It’s about the animal not about you.
I would be so mad at this, I love my cats and I would be like ugh damnit. But end of the day pets need to be approved by both parties. Otherwise he’ll resent it and you. That puts the cat in a bad position too and it isn’t right. Yta
YTA for taking in a cat for a day and vilifying your husband to your kids. And for emotionally manipulating your family.
YWBTA if you did that again.
You need to find a way to manage your feelings about it or reassess your marriage if it’s a deal breaker for you. Stop putting your kids through the wringer by bringing home animals that you can’t keep.
Of course YTA. Also, why would you censor the word “asshole” in your post when it’s literally in the name of the sub?
Look, I know it’s rough, but you chose to marry your husband knowing this about him. Maybe try and have a conversation about how much this means to you, but at the same time accept he may continue to feel how he has the whole time.
You don’t really need to read anything else besides your first sentence. Animals in a household should be two yes, one no type of deal. Either you both say yes or it doesn’t happen. Trying to make excuses, to find a work around does make you TA. And getting permission from the Internet doesn’t mean anything or change that.
YWBTA
Pets have to be a 2 yes/1 no situation… both of you must agree before hand but you don’t so going behind your husband’s back will hurt your marriage. It breaks trust.
Some people might tell you to get it anyhow and that he doesn’t have to look after it or pay anything for it. But that’s not true. At some point he will likely encounter it and he will be reminded that you went and disrespected him in his own home. If he went and brought some living creature into your house that you didn’t want or like, would you be happy? I highly doubt it.
Your friends aren’t your friends if they are encouraging you to disrespect your husband like this. They clearly don’t care about your marriage and you are allowing it. You’ve already crossed the boundary once… doing it again might end in divorce. People have divorced over less. You have to decide if you WANT to put yourself, him and your children through that. And if he gets the house in a divorce, where will you and your cat live? And the kids if they end up going with you? You need to consider ALL possible outcomes when considering crossing a boundary
YWBTA. Really? I am shocked people have to tell you this. Consent. Respect. What if he brought home some kind of pet you really didn’t want in hopes you’d just “get over it”? Your friends are major assholes for not minding their own business, and attempting to interfere with your marriage.
YWBTA
You’re married and live in the same home, you can’t just get a pet without consulting your spouse. You need to both be in agreement on a decision like this. Talk to him about it, if you can’t agree, you shouldn’t get the cat.
Do not do it.
Yes , you would be a major AH.
YWBTA. His reasons for not wanting a cat are just as valid as your reasons for wanting one. Making a unilateral decision about something that also affects his life is a dick move and will cause a huge rift in your marriage. Is it worth it? Also – your friends are giving you really shitty advice. Seriously, doing what they suggest could potentially end your marriage.
Maybe he will change his mind when the kids are gone and the house isn’t nice anymore so any damage won’t matter as much. For now, you really need to drop it and move on.
While YWBTA because pets need to be accepted by the whole family…living without cats is a personal dealbreaker for me. You should have considered the possibility of living cat-free if you are committed to your spouse and his level of comfort.
My husband wouldn’t dare keep anything I love or value from me, including cats.
I don’t think your husband should have the Veto say that you just can’t have a cat. I would maybe tell him ahead of time you’re getting a cat and that he doesn’t have to take care of it if he doesn’t want to. But you and the kids want a cat and there’s no good reason not to have one besides Mr. boss man says no. Asshole or not I’d get a cat.
Yeah, YTA. That’s not fair to your husband. And really…would you be okay with it if the positions were reversed?
So I did this about 1.5 years ago for a variety of reasons. I will admit that it wasn’t the best move to make a unilateral decision for our family– but for us it is working out. It was rocky in the beginning, but has smoothed over now- and the cat and my husband are warming up to each other happily (he’s even started to voluntarily take care of her/clean water bowl etc… Which was solely my and our daughters responsibility). I am not advocating you do the same – I knew my partner would grumble but eventually accept and begin to love the cat. So yes, YWBTA – but it’s such an individual situation what the ramifications of that would be.
Why did you marry him in the first place if you KNEW that he absolutely HATED cats???…
BTW, NTA…HE is!!!…
He will resent the cat and eventually resent you. Don’t do it.
“All my friends have said just bring a kitten home, he will get over it”. Swap this out with him bringing home a very time consuming and expensive item without consulting you. Do you hate fish? Or tarantulas? Or snakes? Imagine you came home and he had installed a large vivarium. Or bought a car for himself that you dislike. Or repainted a wall a colour you don’t like. You would absolutely be the asshole. And the kitten would suffer as well. These things have to be discussed and agreed upon.
YTA – emotional blackmail ANS getting your kids involved??
You new that he just tolerated the cats and that he didn’t want any. You married him anyway, knowing that this is a dealbreaker for him.
Yeah YWBTA. This is a question that I would expect from a teen/YA in their first relationship. Not a seasoned spouse. It’s concerning you even had to come here to ask this. I can only imagine what other things you may do that are disrespectful to your husband. Sorry OP but I would take a long hard look in the mirror and do some reflecting.
Pets are a two yeses, one no decision. YWBTA
You could get a caged pet do your research there are plenty of them ferrets chins though do your research on both especially chinchillas they have really long life spans
Yes, not only would YBTA, so too are your friends. Bring them to this thread for a dose of reality.
Pets are a long term commitment. Just like your marriage. Consider volunteering at a cat rescue shelter to get your kitty fix.
You have the worst friends OP…..
YWBTA to bring in a pet your spouse does not want.
Yes, you would be TA if you just brought a kitten home when you know that your husband doesn’t want any more pets. This is kind of like deciding to have children or another child. It needs to be two yeses, or it’s a no.
I think you should just convince him to get one to be honest. If he doesn’t have to deal with the cat cleaning litter box, showering, vet appointments, and stuff then it shouldn’t be a huge problem. cant he deal w a small animal for you?
YWBTA
Yes, you’d be an asshole. Bringing a new animal into the house is a 2 yes, 1 no situation. He said no, you just have to accept that. As a cat person, it would suck. But ultimately, you were the person that decided to marry someone who does not like cats, so this lack of cat is on you.
YTA – if you just say I’m doing this and do it. But you should have a conversation about why he doesn’t want a cat, considering you had one before and he put up with it then -it’s a bathroom issue, so many develop more of plan around that, take all of the responsibility for the litter, maybe putting the litter outside in a cat run/enclosure with a cat flap etc.
Can you volunteer to be a kitten foster for a local organization? Then you’re doing something good for the community, getting your kitty time in and your husband knows it’s for a set amount of time. Plus if you both fall in love with one of your fosters, then you get first dibs for adoption
YWBTA. Pets are a “two yes” situation.
> I don’t know if I would be the a$$h$$$$
You can say “asshole”. This is r/AmITheAsshole.
Either way, yeah, YWBTA. You get a cat and you’re betraying that man’s trust in you. Even if he gets over it, and it’s not that big of a deal, it sets the kind of precedent that you really don’t want to set.
You shouldn’t bring home a cat as a surprise.
But it might be worth having a serious discussion about why you’re expected to give up things you love on his say-so. If you’re expected to give up cat ownership, what has he given up?
Does he frequently get veto power, or is this the only time he’s decided he has the authority to unilaterally forbid? Are things he wants just a easily vetoed by you? If you said “no” to something he desperately wanted, how would he react? Would you be afraid to try that? If so, take a long hard look at the example you’re setting for your children. If you have daughters, are you setting them up for a life of relationships where they put their own needs and desires secondary to men who don’t appreciate them?
For me the huge, glaring red flag here is him knowing that you love cats, but forbidding you from getting one based on his own dislike. “I don’t like it, so you can’t have it no matter how much you love it” is frequently a sign that someone likes the life you provide for them more than they actually like you.
Again, don’t bring a cat home as a surprise, but there needs to be a deeper conversation here.
YWBTA.
when your spouse gives a hard no on something, have to respect it.
also, we can’t give you permission. only the other half of your marriage can do that.
YWBTA absolutely. It sucks that your husband doesnt like cats, but it is not up to you to unilaterally decide to bring another animal into the home. To do so knowing your husband is against it would be wrong. Pets should always be a 2 yes or 1 no thing because whether you want to believe it or not, it affects everyone.
YTA
Any pet is a two-yes decision.
2 x yes = cat
1 x no = no cat
How would you feel if your husband brought home an animal you dislike without your consent.
YWBTA, surely if you brought the cat home and “he will get over it he can do some turnabout and take the cat to a shelter because “you’ll get over it.” Do yourself a favor and get some friends that won’t actively advise you to sabotage your marriage.
Definitely not the way to go about it but it’s not fair if he’s just a hater and not willing to compromise at all.
YTA.
Before my partner and I decided to try for a baby I got advice from his sister that I should just go off my birth control and not tell him. This told me that his sister is crazy.
This is the same situation, lower stakes. Don’t listen to your friends, they are disrespectful and maybe want your marriage to implode.
2 yesses are required for additions to the household. The fact that he made you give up the rescue already tells you what will happen if you bring home a kitten.
YWBTA. I get that you really want one, but unless you can somehow talk him around you shouldn’t go behind his back. Pets should be two yesses. They’re a big responsibility.
Look, I get it. I love cats and would be very sad to not have one. I empathize with you. That said YWBTA. How would you feel if brought home a snake without your buy in?
YTA. It would be one thing if he had warmed up to the kitten found in the road, but deliberately getting a cat when he said no isn’t okay.
YTA
I have a husband, two kids, a dog, and some kind of extracurricular (often more than one) on our calendar almost every day of the week. My kids have floated getting another animal and have convinced my husband to be on their side, but I am 100% out of bandwidth. I cannot add another living creature to take care of into this house. If they ignored me and brought one home anyway, I would be incredibly upset.
Don’t do it.
That said, have you considered fostering? Usually the rescue group covers all supplies and vet care and you’re able to enjoy having a cat without the lifelong commitment. Plus you get to save a lot of lives. Obviously your husband would still have to be on board, but it might be a good middle ground.
I mean, YWBTA if you bring home a cat without notifying your husband first. But I think a lot of these comments are too harsh and not fully understanding what type of situation you’re in.
The vibe I get from your post is that you will truly be missing something special and important from your life without a cat to care for. And I get it, because I’d never be happy without a pet cat. I enjoy learning about cats, training cats, rescuing cats, watching cat content, and will never not have a pet cat. They’re my pets but they’re also a very fun hobby for me. I think unfortunately cats are often viewed as gross or inferior pets by people who don’t take the time to learn about them and understand their behaviors.
My best advice is to ask your husband if he’d be willing to chat with a vet or pet trainer about his concerns and see if having a third party expert involved could help alleviate some of his worries and get you to a compromise. Maybe your (theoretical) pet cat is not allowed in certain rooms; is fed the dander reducing food; has a litter robot. Maybe you have feliway in every room of your house. Cat care is significantly evolved from what it was 20 years ago – yes, it’s an added expense, but there are concrete actions steps you can take to address most of the common cat concerns. If he has a genuine phobia, ask if he’d be willing to try therapy. I don’t say that glibly – if it’s at that level, therapy could help develop coping mechanisms when he encounters cats elsewhere, which can’t be that infrequent an occurrence.
If the bottom line is he just hates cats, for no reason other than just hating them (I don’t get it but know that attitude exists), I’m genuinely sorry and you have my deepest sympathy. It sucks when your partner is intolerant of something you enjoy and value. My only advice is to express how it makes you feel and continue to explore that through honest conversations.
YWBTA. I love cats, but pets have to be agreed on by both partners.
Are there other ways you could satisfy your desire for a kitten? Petsitting or volunteering at a shelter? Perhaps your husband would agree to you taking in a cat for a week or two from a friend when they go on holiday?
YWBTA. pets that didn’t pre date the relationship are a 2 yes, 1 no scenario.
“I want to do something that involves a lot of work and money. My husband has not enjoyed the last time I did the thing at all and has expressly said he does not want to do the thing again. I tried to force the issue and do the thing anyway but my husband prevented me from doing the thing. His attitude hasn’t changed, he still demonstrably doesn’t want to do the thing. So… I should do the thing, right?”
Yta
I am said that you are compromising on a cat, I love cats. I can’t imagine having to live a person who adamantly hates cats. But unfortunately you would be the asshole if you just bring in this cat. I think you should sit down and really think about this. Which one is more important your marriage or a cat. Because you choose to marry a man who didn’t like cats, you gave him kids, you live in a shared space. Yeah it sucks that you have to compromise, but honestly make friends with people who have cats. Just spend your time there when you have the chance and co-parent a cat with someone. He can’t get mad if the cat doesn’t live with you.
YTA pets are partner decisions, both need to agree on acquiring
You should compromise and get two cats
YWBTA. You say it wouldn’t be any extra trouble since you have a dog already, but it would be. They are living creatures, not furniture. Dogs don’t have the same need for routine and familiar surroundings/people that cats do. They will go outside the litter box when they feel insecure, stressed, or unhappy with the household dynamics. This is much more likely when someone in the house merely tolerates them. Except if you force a new pet on him, he’ll probably outright resent it. Your husband’s wishes also deserve to be respected. As do the cat’s emotional well-being.
If you want a cat/cats in your life, volunteer at a shelter or find a cat café nearby. Forcing a cat to live in a house where it’s not wanted will just make everyone miserable.
YWBTA
Pets are a joint decision. If you don’t have two yeses, it’s a no.
No, you should not get a cat against your husband’s wishes. Yes, you would be the asshole if you did it anyhow. Don’t use us to try to justify your bullshit.
Yes, you would be an asshole. I’m surprised you are even asking for opinions on the obvious.
YTA – there may be a compromise if you were to have a discussion about short term kitten fostering. Kittens are easily contained for fostering and have a time limit. Perhaps if you went to him after doing your homework armed with how fostering wouldn’t affect him at all, he might agree. You’d get your temporary kitten fix from time to time without the added expense of taking on a whole ass pet
YTA. Yes you would be a major asshole. Others have mentioned him getting you into a decade long obligation or bringing another more unsavory pet home but I think they forget the cost. Let’s assume the cat only lives a decade. Say cat food is $30 a month times 12 times 10 = $3,600. Let’s say that pet insurance is the same so now we are at $7,200. Cat litter from what I’ve seen is anywhere from $200 to $500 a year so let’s go somewhere in the middle and say $300, so we are at $10,200. You are presumably going to spend money on toys and treats so let’s just add another $500. And this is assuming that the cat stays healthy and doesn’t require any expensive medical intervention.
What you want to do is come home and tell your husband that you guys are now on the hook for atleast $11,000 on top of having to care for and deal with the cat. If you guys are not on the same page you shouldnt do it.
Adopt an older cat that is already box trained. I adopted a 1.5 year old that is my love. I did not have to deal with all the kitten behavior but she was young enough to be very playful . As I write this she is asking for her breakfast.
YWBTA
As an animal lover, all members of a household must consent to a new pet. I’ve always hated the “my [insert household member] with the pet they didn’t want” meme because it feeds stuff like this, your friend’s disrespectful and boundary violating attitudes.
I get it, it’s difficult. But your husband has lived with cats and did not grow to like it. If you want to spend time with cats go volunteer at shelters or hang out with/pet sit the ones your friends have, go to a cat cafe or something.
With multiple kids, a dog and a husband who doesn’t like cats, you guys trully do not need another 15 year commitment.
YWBTA – pets are a ‘two yes, one no’ issue. You can’t summarily bring a cat into your joint household.
I think ywbtah. It’s a two yes one no situation. It is a 20 year commitment and a living thing that has needs. If you passed away now he has this cat onto top of everything else. The cat could end up on the streets because he didn’t sign up for it and now he is doing evil stuff because this situation was forced upon him. Absolutely not okay
YTA if you just bring it home. That said, if he does give in and you get the cat, be prepared for it to love your husband the most. Inevitable conclusion.
YWBTA.
Why did you marry him if you knew you’d always want Cat and you knew he did not like cats?
>My friends brought me a kitten once that they found in the road and I took care of it for a day and then my husband said it had to go. The kids and I were so sad.
It sounds like you’ve already tried this and it didn’t work out. I don’t think it makes sense to bring home another cat and expect it will work out this time, unless something has changed. Have you had a genuine discussion with your husband about what it would mean to you to have a cat? And have you also listened to his concerns about why he doesn’t want a cat? It wouldn’t be fair to the cat or your husband to bring the cat home without his full agreement. Going behind someone’s back like this, especially with an important commitment like a new pet, can fuel a lot of frustration and resentment over time, not to mention the breach of trust. Pets are a lifetime commitment and it’s very important that everyone in the household is 100% on board before you decide to bring a new pet home.
If you decide that a resident cat wouldn’t be right for your family right now, there are other options for fulfilling your cat needs. Consider reaching out to rescue groups and shelters in your area and ask if they ever need volunteers, where you spend time in the building taking care of the cats; or fosters, where you would bring the cats or kittens home and care for them temporarily until they are able to be adopted.
I have worked in animal rescue for over 20 years and you aren’t the first person who has been in this predicament 🙂 As an animal lover myself, I understand how much it means to have cats and dogs as part of our family. I think it would be best to have an honest discussion with your husband (or more likely, many discussions) and see if you can come up with a solution.
YWBTA. I also love cats and grew up with them, but I haven’t had any for at least a decade because my last partner didn’t want them, and my current partner is allergic. A living, breathing thing is the entire household’s responsibility, and if one person doesn’t want that responsibility, it’s unkind, unloving, and disrespectful to both the humans in the household and the living creature force that responsibility onto another person who doesn’t want it. You have a choice here to either move out, and get the cat you so desperately want, or you can respect your spouse’s autonomy and comfort in their own home and go without.
YWBTA.