Just some background info. I want to be both anonymous but give enough to get some advice. I (20’sF) and Cece (20sF) have been friends since we were in diapers. We grew up very differently once her parents came into a little money, she becoming very self-focused and vain. (I try to look past this because I know at times that I can be a little vain. I’m not perfect, but I think this story will clarify what I mean in a minute.)
She met her military husband on a dating app and got married about five months after she met him. She’s a very “you know when you know” person, so it was whatever. He’s rude (told Cece’s mom that he was glad that she was leaving when he was visiting), apparently has a bad temper, and not someone I’m really interested in knowing.
It really starts up on her bachelorette. It was a beach destination at an all inclusive. Her maid of honor (Kay) felt a little left out because Cece and Sissy (the other bridesmaid on the wedding) were being cliquish. Think asking us to do things with them and then running off to do said thing before anyone could really answer. I let her vent and just listened. I think anyone that knows Cece knows she can be that way, so I was just a sounding board for frustrations.
Anyway, the next day, I was sick as a dog. Spent the night before throwing up (food poisoning from I don’t know what—I don’t really drink). I was up from 2:30 to about 6 before it finally cleared up; this was an excursion day, but since I was so sick, I felt like I would’ve just bogged them down. So, I stayed at the resort and slept. While they were out, I asked if they could get me some water, ginger ale, and medicine when they got back and I would pay them. (Thankfully, the resort gave me some food and water, but I wanted something bottled just in case.) They come back a bit later and they said they couldn’t get me any because they’d be late for a dinner reservation. They could get some tampons for Sissy, though.
At this point, I was feeling a little better but I was starting to feel somewhat left out. I’m a bit more reserved and they like to party if that makes sense? Like, I like to stay in and read and they like to go out on the town. That sort of thing. The three girls were kind of circling around each other, talking and I was sitting there, trying not to cry. (Partially because I was still getting over whatever I got sick from, partially because I felt ignored.) Thankfully I didn’t, but I just didn’t feel good.
After eating, we decided we would go to an on-resort club and at this club, I met some other people that seemed a bit more down to earth, and so initially going into the club, we hung out with them. I’m not a club person, but the other girls made me feel a bit more comfortable in my skin.
While dancing, there were these boys that came up to the group. (No one is single on this bachelorette.) The other girls distanced themselves because they’re family friends and these boys just graduated high school (the drinking age is 18+ where we were staying). I’m in my mid 20’s and have a job where I interact with teenagers, and so naturally, I feel incredibly uncomfortable partying with 18 year olds. The bachelorette girls partied with them all night from dancing to just hanging at the bar and talking. At this point, I just became a wallflower/watched the performers and texted my boyfriend about how weirded out I was by the situation.
The night ended with the bachelorette party and these boys wanting to hit a second location, but when the girls said they wanted to put bikinis on to go, I decided that I was just going to sit it out. While they got ready, Cece called her husband (already married but actually having a wedding later) and I almost wanted to ask her if she’s going to tell him they were going out with guys, but I held my tongue. I thought that would be the end of it.
The next morning, I found out that one of the boys spent the night in the other room (there were two). It was because his brother kicked him out and they felt bad. They’d also rinsed off their feet in the shower together and just hung out in the room until four, I believe. I felt really weird about it, but since I thought it was the end, I just kind of ignored it.
Between this time and what happens next, Kay was telling me how she felt weird with the boy in her room and that she also felt ignored. She talked to Cece about being excluded, but Cece said it’s because she barely saw Sissy. She didn’t want to go to the club again, stuff like that. I told her to just be honest with her boyfriend about the situation and he should understand. That’s when one of the boys approached and I noped out of there until he left.
Later that evening, we go to the club again and I decided to just find a seat and stick there. I people watched and again, the bachelorette party and the boys hung out and partied. Cece was wearing a bride hat and she would put it on the boys. They were brushing each other’s hands on their shoulders, just flirting essentially. (At least from what I understand of conventional flirting techniques—sometimes social interactions are a little unclear to me.) At some point, Cece comes up to me and says they’re gonna go back to the room and play “For the girls” with them. If you know that game, you know that it can get really inappropriate. I straight up tell her that I don’t feel comfortable playing that game with freshly graduated 18 year olds. She said that there’d be a 19 and 22 year old too, but I said that doesn’t matter because the 18 year old is still there.
I go back to my room and they still do it anyway. No one spent the night that night, but in the morning, she was talking to her husband and talking around the fact that she was partying and hanging out with the boys. (Like, she mentioned running into some guys who were on a bachelor trip, but nothing else.) Her husband is one of those jealous types, so I know he’d be PISSED.
I was already rubbed the wrong way from the bachelorette trip, but there was something else. At some point, she told me about someone she knew potentially committing serious crimes (think REALLY bad). Because of this, and because I’m a mandated reporter, I reported it. But since she knew more about the situation, HR wanted to hear it from her. I had told her that they’d call and that she just needed to tell them honestly what she knew.
The last time I actually talked to Cece, it was an argument over the fact that I told HR when she wanted to stay out of it. She said she wanted to be anonymous, but because of the seriousness of the potential crime, there’s no way for that to be the case. She asked why I went behind her back, but despite me telling her that it’s literally my job (and hers too—she is also a mandated reporter), she was still upset with me.
Lastly, she’s been posting a bunch of political stuff despite the fact that she doesn’t really “do politics.” She only believes in whatever guy she’s with, and so it annoys me when she posts stuff with little to no understanding.
At this point, I just don’t know. My mom’s telling me to stick it out and just cut contact after the wedding, but I don’t know if I can in good conscience be in her wedding party if I don’t like her. It feels fake on my end, and honestly, I don’t want to spend any more money on the wedding if I don’t have to. I’d love some outside advice if you could offer any. Thank you in advance.
TL;DR: my former friend is a morally ambiguous chameleon and I don’t really want to be in her bridal party despite advice to just stick it out.
Comments
You’ll likely lose the friendship. I had to do the same thing. I didn’t have the money my buddy wanted me to shell out. He’s a Mormon so I wasn’t actually in the wedding, this was all for pictures. We stopped being friends. Is what it is
I think you should drop out- the consequence will probably be the ending of your friendship but honestly that’s okay. People outgrow each other and it’s okay to admit that’s what’s happened here.
I think it would be kinder to drop out of the wedding if you plan to stop being friends right after, so she doesn’t have pictures of her ex friend in all her wedding photos. For what it’s worth, I wouldn’t be able to stand up at this wedding either
I would drop out if I were in your situation. What’s the point of being in the wedding of someone you’re not fond of?
The wedding party is supposed to be the people who, most out of everyone in the entire world, support the wedding couple and the union itself.
If you’re not one of those people, then don’t continue in the wedding party. As others have said, you’ll lose whatever tattered remains of the friendship are left, but since you don’t care about that, it’s of no great consequence.
CeCe sounds like a pretty awful person. Do you want people, who also probably know how awful she is, seeing you standing up there beside her and thinking that you support the kind of person she is?
Tell your mom that if she wants you to still do it, she needs to pay any expenses from now on. If she agrees, stay in and end the friendship after the wedding.
2 month is plenty of time to find a replacement. Drop now rather than later, it’s the kind thing to do.
A wedding party is supposed to honor your closest friends. If you aren’t friends anymore, then I would not be in the wedding party.
Dropping out might create momentary relief, but the resentment from the other side might follow you around and create lasting grief. If you want to maximize your wellbeing, I would chat with a therapist, and go to the wedding knowing you’re witnessing your friend just going through a rough stage. You’re all young. There’s lots of time for everyone to grow up and be close again.
I’ve been in about 8 weddings. None of them were perfect and honestly being a bridesmaids 8 times convinced me to elope with my husband. Believe it or not, weddings can be messy from managing the expectations of family and friends. I hate to tell you this, but you’re experiencing what typically happens with bridal parties which are burn outs, strained relationships, and boundaries crossed. Monster brides are a real thing and maybe it’s from all the planning that makes them that way. Who knows.
Do the wedding and then move on with your friendship from there. If you divert from the wedding now, you’ll be dealing with the fall out instead of just silently fading into the background, which happens to many bridesmaids after a wedding. You’ll get what you want organically. 2 months before the wedding is too late.
This whole moral ambiguity thing is really you just judging her for everything she does, you realize this right? You don’t even sound like you like her from this post, so I suggest you just drop her after the wedding.
I think it’s fine to drop out of this mess and understand that the friendship is over – honestly sounds like you two mostly grew apart anyway, but there’s absolutely no reason to put yourself through this. Literally nobody will notice.