Hi, for context, last year I experienced a miscarriage. At the time my husband was so high I had to drive the both of us to the hospital (while in excruciating pain). I waited in the waiting room for about 2-3 hours alone, because he fell asleep in the chair next to me. When we finally made it to the room he fell asleep in that chair too (meanwhile I have not stopped crying or begging him to be there for me).
Because of this incident, I asked him to stop smoking pot. It was too much for me and I could not bear going through something else similar again without his mental or physical support.
Flash forward to now, I am finally pregnant again after a year of trying (praise the Lord🙌🏻). I found my husband in the back yard smoking. When I asked him about it, he lied to me and told me he was not. I pressed him, because I was 99% sure I saw him smoking. He finally gave in and told me he had be for the past few days.
Am I controlling for being upset with him over this, or asking him to stop again? I only recently found out I was pregnant again, and I feel like I am going to have dejavĂş and repeat last year all over again.
I guess I just need a strangers opinion. Any thoughts?
TLDR:
I experienced my first miscarriage basically alone because my husband was too high to be there for me. I had him stop smoking because of this. I am pregnant a year later and he started smoking again and lied to me about it.
Comments
Nope
Not at all. If he’s so addicted he can’t stop for the good of his pregnant wife… That’s a problem.
Loves drugs more than you or your baby. Was too wasted to support you when you needed him the most.
What a useless ballsack.
Get rid of him.
You are not controlling at all. He should get help. I really hope you and your child will be okay.
No
Not controlling
He’s an addict.
Dump his sorry ass.
He sounds like a loser.
You’re not overreacting at all, and I say this as someone who takes edibles at night to help with chronic pain and to help me sleep. The day it ever interferes with something important is the day I give it up.
Maybe when the baby is born it will give him the motivation to stop smoking.
Next thing you know, he’ll hit the bottle and go right to the rock.
I find it hard to blame your husband for the incident, this seems like unfortunate timing. If he has a history of substance abuse, then it makes more sense to me.
That said, being lied to is not okay.
It’s totally understandable to feel upset, his lack of support last time and lying now would frustrate anyone. Maybe sit him down for an honest talk about how his smoking affects you, especially with the baby on the way, and see if he’s willing to get help or cut back. You deserve to feel secure, so if he’s still a bs after talking to him, don’t hesitate to leave his ass.
That is something you should have dealt with while you were dating.
That’s awful
I think you should let him have his free will. A miscarriage is a really hard thing to go through and it’s understandable you’d be upset if he was high, but it seems like he was there enough, as you stayed with him to try again. My ex didn’t even go with me to follow up appointments after mine, and that’s why he’s an ex. In my opinion, you should accept your husband and allow him to be honest with you about the drug use. Because it seems like he’ll just hide it otherwise. A lot of people use weed these days to cope instead of alcohol. I know it’s not pleasant to be around it, but your husband has to decide if he wants to stop, for himself. Someone telling him to stop will just make him feel he has to hide it. I can understand how it would be frustrating, but I know from first hand experience that telling someone to stop just ends up leading to dishonesty. Acceptance is key.
My wife asked me to stop smoking. I was secretly smoking in private because I thought it was helping my mental wellbeing. Then I quit because I got a job where I could no longer smoke. Now I realize how selfish I was being and how it was really just helping me remain in a mental slump.
Bottom line is, if he cares enough, he will understand how you feel and how stupid (in my opinion) weed really is to help cope.
One of the first signs of addiction is when it starts interfering with your life. He absolutely should have recognized the problem when he failed to be there for you the night of your miscarriage.
I would really try to get him into addiction counseling if you care to stay with him.
Medical fact. Constant pot use degrades sperm quality. Probably contributed to your miscarriage
As along time pothead this isn’t a pot problem. This is a your husband problem. Even at my highest, I can still function enough to stay awake. He just doesn’t give a shit.
It is really up to you.
Pot is legal many places.
Is he employed? Using it occasionally for recreation or stress relief?
Have you asked him why he’s smoking?
He is an adult and the fact he feels he needs to hide this is pretty significant.
That said, many men react to pregnancy loss with anger. I’m very sorry you experienced this, I have been there and it is very sad, but also very different for women than men.
For us, it’s the loss of something that was part of us. For men, it’s an idea.
You need to pause and look at the bigger picture. If he is otherwise a productive, caring and fun husband, perhaps you find a way to embrace occasional pot smoking.
Why would you want a kid with someone like that?
Seems like you were waiting for him to F up so you can ask him to quit. I bet you didnt really approve of the smoking before the miscarriage.
I don’t think it’s the pot to tell you the truth- It’s him. Are you saying that before you caught in the backyard, for the last year has been there for you?
Why are you having kids with this guy?
Let’s see-he was so baked he couldn’t drive in an emergency AND was so baked he couldn’t stay awake. I’m going to, I think safely, say he’s baked a lot. That day was just a regular day.
Then you willingly chose to have children with him. You’re not being controlling. You want a sober partner. You do not have a sober partner. And, I suspect you haven’t for a very long time.
You’ll need to accept him as is. He’s been clear, even when trying to hide it, he loves drugs more than he loves you.
I just don’t know what you’re complaining about.
It’s really depending on the situation. First of all: It’s really not okay he wasn’t there with you when you needed him the most!
If he’s a real addict then I understand you don’t want him to smoke!
If he wants to smoke so now and then just let him be. As long as he is not too high to function, especially when you’re pregnant. Have a good talk about it. Make compromises together.
Some people drink alcohol and some people prefer weed.
One last thing. It’s not okay he lied about it! Honesty is one of the most important things in a relationship.
Weed isn’t necessarily a bad thing or a drug, but in your circumstances (trying to start a family, TTC, having a very hard time going through a miscarriage), he should not be!
I get it’s a stressful time, and he may want to “relax,” but it is not the time for him to be so focused on smoking. He should be focused on his wife and future child. You have a right to want him to stop. He shouldn’t be doing that around a child either!
He was probably smoking during conception. That affects sperm quality & your pregnancy.
https://healthcare.utah.edu/the-scope/health-library/all/2018/05/how-mens-sperm-can-affect-pregnancy
You are not too controlling.
Ive smoked a lot and never fallen asleep in public or during a crisis situation. Idk….
No. I’ve no issue with people indulging personally. But when it affects family and/or loved ones, asking for compromise is not unreasonable.
It is not “controlling” to not want a drug abuser for a spouse. This applies equally to legal drugs (alcohol, nicotine), semi-legal drugs (pot/THC, prescription pills), or illegal drugs (cocaine, heroin). As a spouse you have the right, and the need, to ALWAYS be more important than the drugs. If your spouse doesn’t get that, find a new spouse.
Asking him to make a permanent change for an unlikely event seems over the top.
But given your history asking him to stop while you are pregnant doesn’t seem out of the question.
Would you consider planned smoking if another responsible adult were available?
Does the pot hurt the situation you two have in other ways?
Why have you let this man continue to let you down? His sperm is the reason you miscarried also. Pot degrades sperm. You can also have a child with birth defects because of it. He is never going to put you guys first. Welcome to single parent hood
Have you tried asking him why he feels the need?
He is not husband or father material. People never improve with age. Divorce him and go live your best life with someone who loves and cares about you.
If he was a pot smoker when you met him and he never told you he would quit, there’s nothing you can do about it.
I just have to wonder if he has another medical condition that would cause him to fall asleep like that. I used to be a stoner and I don’t think I’ve ever got so high that I would just start sleeping all the time for no reason..
If you ask him to quit just like that, that’s probably not going to work. He will just continue lying about it, and also resent you for trying to control him. I think a better approach is to have a serious conversation where you tell him that pot is getting in the way of your relationship, and that though he can keep smoking it, there needs to be some sort of limitation on the matter because it has gotten way too out of hand where clearly he is neglecting his responsibilities to your marriage. You also need to hear him if he has some points to bring up as well, and both try your best to be reasonable and fair. That’s not the same as obeying. It’s about opening up together and trying to understand.
There’s also the possibility that it’s too far gone and he’s always going to put being high before you and the baby. You need to ask him if he rather be high or be with you. It doesn’t have to be so black and white, many people smoke a lot and still lead functional rich lives. It’s about striking a balance, and it seems he is off balance. There’s a reason people turn to substances, and it might not even be about you, but it’s not fair to you in a marriage to have him be absent like that.
I love drugs. I can’t drink due to an allergy. However when you need to be all there it’s super important. If you can’t go without or realize when it’s time not to be high then it’s maybe time for a re evaluation.
Yes. It is controlling. Sounds like you aren’t a good match. Set the boundaries and FOLLOW THROUGH. It’s your job to leave when he crosses the no smoking boundary, otherwise it’s not a boundary and you’re just trying to control his behavior. Leave girl.
His body his choice AND your life your choice, dump his ass. Weed isn’t an excuse for him to treat you like shit.
Pot? If you’re so mad that you have to come here to hear an echo chamber, you should listen to these other ladies trying to ruin your life! You deserve it. Im sorry, but your miscarriage was sudden and not predictable. Yes, it was a horrible experience, but you’re over reading this!
It is controlling, but it’s a very reasonable demand to make. The hard truth is that you can’t control whether or not he’ll actually stop smoking or be honest with you, you can only control what you will do if he continues to do this.
Do you all have other family or a support system at all?
I loved smoking pot. I only smoked on weekends & not every weekend at that. However, my wife was mildly allergic & it had started getting worse. When it got to the point that she couldn’t breathe just being around my second-hand smell (I always smoked out in the garage & tried to air out as best as I could), I stopped. You do these things for those you love.
Not controlling and the comments sum it up – you would be a fool, if you stayed. You deserve better, you know better. Do better for yourself.
Take it from me, I was with a guy for 4 years, we have a two year old, he smoked the entire time. He’s blown through so much money on weed and we haven’t been able to move out from my parents. I recently broke up with him, it doesn’t get better if you stay, they just get sneakier. He spends 40$ on vapes and over 100 on weed. In my opinion he’s a dick face
He’s smoking more weed when you’re pregnant ? Maybe he doesn’t want to have a kid. Doesn’t sound like he’s ready to be a father and you shouldn’t give him the privilege.
He just dont care, the only time ive been passing out due to bein high was the first few times as a noob.
i can understand it, im a daily smoker myself. but there are just different types of smoker. the highfunctioning ones… and then those type your husband is. they become practically useless. id feel the same about my gf if shed smoke and couldnt handle it… why would i want you as gf if i cant interact with you edit: honestly i wonder why you got pregnant again with him
How do you know he quit for a year?
You’re controlling, can’t tell a Grown Man what to do.
Explain to him that’s he needs to be there or leave him but let him blow his herb in peace. Us Men Love Peace.
Full on addiction, I use recreationally as well and never have I been that baked out of my mind
I mean, he’s an adult. He’s responsible for his own decisions, and also the consequences following the decisions he makes.
It’s up to you to consider whether he’s someone you want to have children with, or not.
A father should be dependable, but he doesn’t seem to be fit to raise a child (yet at least).
Here’s my advice: Have a serious conversation with him, and tell him that his usage of marijuana will be prohibited once you’re 5 months pregnant. Otherwise he won’t be involved. That’s a great compromise, and it will ensure he’ll be dependable once you need him.
Personally I think it’s okay that he’s smoking marijuana outside, away from you.
But he should focus on being a responsible user, rather than someone who’s overly dependent / abusing the substance.
Hence why I said he should stop smoking once you’re 5 months pregnant.
You didn’t have a miscarriage because he was a pothead, it happens naturally. You do have the right to be mad if he was high, but you also had to have known he was a stoner from the beginning.
I don’t smoke anymore, but I do vape. My wife is also pregnant right now. I only get high on my time, and i don’t try to get fried anymore, it doesn’t hit me that hard due to tolerance anyway.
With that said, I never put weed before my girl, no matter what I have to be ready in case anything and am well aware of it. There ARE functional potheads out there but idk your guy so I can’t vouch for him.
Smoking is an addiction like anything else, and some people would sell their mothers for a gram. Some people don’t think weed is the end all be all so we don’t put too much emphasis on it in our daily lives.
You have the complete right to be mad af he promised he would quit, but quitting is not easy. I’ve quit before, but I found out I have crazy dreams and nightmares if I don’t vape at night (weed stops you from dreaming or being aware of said dreams) so I still do a little at night.
When I was younger I was the type to not want to go anywhere if I couldn’t be high, it was stupid, but that’s who i was. Eventually I grew out of thinking I was cool for living the stoner life and now only vape at night, I don’t really go anywhere high during the day.
Everyone is different, but know that a person won’t change for anyone unless they want to change for themselves. Which is why I tell people to think about the other persons life before doing something like getting them pregnant, marriage, etc.
You have to have a convo with him about it, but you also have to be honest with yourself about your tolerance and boundaries. We all change with time, and that’s why many relationships don’t work out in the end. The ones that do work out understand that you have to talk through things calmly and be flexible enough to keep the fire strong.
Wish you the best.
You can’t make him do anything. He can’t make you do anything, either. Time to make some life choices.
tell him to get his shit together or he’s out
You’re right to want a sober husband, but he’s an addict. It’s going to take a lot more than asking him.
I read something about addiction once and in other words that’s if it’s effecting serious relationship it is possible that person is addicted. Do I think you’re going anything wrong ? Nope God bless you very happy you conceived ! I would say as well as I’m sure you’re aware he should never be high or smoking around that child tell him to read about third hand smoke. You aren’t doing anything wrong. I’ve realized cause it effects two people I love dearly smoking is one of the most selfish and destructive habits not only for the individual but people around them. You’re being a good Mom.
He should not be lying to you. That is wrong.
Also there are studies that show cannabis use can negatively affect a fetus through genetic changes in sperm that can increase the risk of miscarriage, preterm birth, and neurodevelopmental issue
I use daily for medical purposes. Beats opiates any day. But I’ll fight through pain that puts me in shock if someone that I love needs me or may need me.
I also am just lightly buzzed until bedtime. So I can still be moral support. I don’t drive after I use. I don’t use until I’m in for the night.
I’ve done the comatose amount during the worst pain vs going to the er. But I always tell my spouse when I need to, so he knows.
I get your frustration. Even if he’s using medicinally, there are alternatives, maybe not as effective, on the market. If he can’t give it up during your pregnancy, he won’t after. And I don’t care how functional someone is when high, there are things you don’t do bc you will still space out, like caring for a baby.
I obviously have nothing against the use of it, as long as it isn’t messing with your life. I wouldn’t use if it wasn’t a better alternative to opiates, controlled my nausea better than zofran, fixed a Gastro problem my docs can’t figure out, and all the other medical reasons I use it. But, I can also walk away for it for 9 months and use alternatives. I know bc i have.
He sounded like me but 3 nights ago. But I had already tried alternatives and they weren’t helping, so I just knocked myself out to sleep through it. To do that on the regular doesn’t sound desirable.
It’s time to move on.
A partner who is so inebriated that he is incapable of driving you to the hospital or support you while you are suffering a traumatic event isn’t someone who is capable of being in any type of relationship….let alone being a parent.
Take it from an adult who came through a childhood full of parental drug use, lots of childhood trauma….they don’t stop.
Do you and any future child you have a kindness and get yourself out of that situation. He will NEVER be a good parent or a good partner. EVER!
If you substituted pot for any other substance such as alcohol, would you be asking this question or would it be easy for you to see he’s an addict?
There is this weird cultural obsession with acting like pot can’t ever be bad or addictive. If gambling and caffeine can be addictive, so can pot.
It can disrupt and negatively affect a person’s life just like any other substance even though it can’t kill you.
No substance is moral or immoral. But once it starts impacting your life or your loved ones, it is selfish and harmful
So here’s the thing. Miscarriages happen. Many times unpredictable and unfortunate. While what happened during your miscarriage was understandably traumatic it was also unintentional. That’s like saying “my partner was smoking a cigarette before a car accident so I asked him never to smoke again.” Congratulations on your new pregnancy, but i think it’s unfair to ask your husband to never smoke weed again. It’s extremely rare that any form of smoker – or habit user for that matter – stops cold turkey and doesn’t eventually go back to it on and off. That’s just the reality of formed habits. You holding a trauma over his head as reason why he needs to change something is not the way to go about it. Outside of common courtesy like don’t smoke around a person who doesn’t like it and keep up on priorities he’s going to do it if he wants and there’s not a lot you can do about it without resorting to unpleasantness. As long as he isn’t smoking weed around you and the baby and isn’t getting so high he can’t function I don’t see a problem with the guy smoking. But that’s the stipulation for me. He can smoke but not get super blazed and that would be an ok middle ground to start.
You are not controlling. You are looking out for your and your family’s best interests. Your husband has a drug problem that he can’t control. Make arrangements to cover yourself since he cant be relied on.
I don’t know. I can see both sides. I think you’re assuming it will happen again, and he didn’t learn anything. You’re assuming the miscarriage didn’t affect him at all, and he’d react the same way. You said he quit for a year in other comments. He’s probably stressed out and coping with that. I don’t think you’re being malicious, though it’s understandable that you’re scared. You both don’t come out of this without resenting each other with talking and trusting each other. I think that demanding he stop smoking pot is controlling, especially if it’s not just for the pregnancy. It would kind of feel bad to have someone you love think you’re such a child that you’re incapable of learning or moderating your behavior. In a way, it deprives him of the room to grow. You should allow your partner. In the same sense, when you do talk to him, you should really emphasize how it made you feel to go through the miscarriage alone and that you will need to set up a boundary if you see over use again.
You are not controlling just worried about your family Your husband is addicted to pot. Pot is easier to quit than alcohol but still not easy. Go to an Al-anon meeting (if there are no meetings call) https://al-anon.org/ It’s for family and friends of alcoholics or addicts. They can give best advice on what to do.
Your only mistake was not calling 911 for an ambulance when you had miscarriage. Driving yourself is like a heart attack victim driving themselves.
I do not understand why you intentionally got pregnant again by the same man that did this to you. Half the planet is male, it’s not hard to find another one. You already knew exactly who he was and you got pregnant again on purpose by someone you can’t and shouldn’t trust. The pot isn’t even the problem, it’s the fact that he obviously can’t handle it AND he’s unreliable AND he lied to you. He never stopped smoking, he’s lying about “starting back up” (how convenient that it just started 🙄) because you finally caught him.
Good luck. You’re going to need it. It’s only a matter of time before we hear the horror story about how he fails you during labor or refuses to pull his weight with the baby. How he uses your diaper money for more weed. Eats up all the baby snacks because of his munchies.
ESH because both of you are making horrible decisions. Yes you’re controlling, yes he’s unreliable and you shouldn’t be having a child with him. It’s both.
You can get high and also fulfill your responsibilities. Dude is just a deadbeat and don’t make him a dad
Sounds like he was on harder drugs than weed for the first incident
So, what’s he gonna be like if there is an emergency situation with the kid(s) and you aren’t there? Is this man actually prepared to be a parent?
He smoking fentanyl and saying its pot.
The problem is a lack of honesty. If he wants to smoke, he shouldnt be sneaking around. The fact that he was high when you had a miscarriage is probably just bad timing (it could have been the flu, a couple if drinks, etc) unless he is very high a lot of the time. But yes, to your point, insisting that your husband never smoke pot ever is controlling, but everyone has their deal breakers.
as a pothead myself (for the past 20yrs) i can promise you this isn’t a weed problem, it’s a shitty husband problem. i’ve never missed anything because i was stoned or fallen asleep during something absolutely heartbreaking. ofc not driving was the right thing in general but i hate to break it to you, your husband fucking sucks and just doesn’t care.
You’re not controlling for wanting him to stop or for feeling upset about it.
But you can’t make him stop. It’s a choice he has to make. Your choice is made around the question of whether or not you’re willing to be with someone who smokes (and lies about it) and is too high to be in any way useful or supportive during a truly painful and terrible moment of your life.
This will get much worse. He will not be helping with childcare if he couldnt even drive you.
Yikes.
I use it before work and after work. My after work use is very heavy. I function better on cannabis than I did before it. I am a store manager now, I have my own house, etc. This is 10000000% in every way imaginable a problem with your husband. What a lazy jerk who can’t be bothered to help his wife. Also, I cannot imagine being so stoned I fell asleep in a situation like that. I don’t think I could do it with cannabis. I’d need something else.