My husband will drop his friends or game the second i need him, and he wakes up to help me with the baby, but one thing he will absolutely not do is put me before his mom.
His mom comes over because we have an infant and she has a big dirty untrained dog who is aggressive so my husband would never take our daughter there, but one thing I cannot stand is how he lets her show up last-minute without telling me more than an hour or two before, and today he let her come after having told me yesterday that i get to have a rest day today.
On top of me not being able to clean the house for them, it messes up my whole day and i dont get to rest. Having an infant, Im overwhelmed and sleep deprived and I still have to cook daily and clean the house. When she comes, my husband gets food, but i had taken out chicken already which would have been tossed if I didnt cook it, so I had to spend the night cooking after his mom left and I cleaned up after their mess, instead of cooking earlier, plus clean up after my cooking, plus tomorrow i have to finish cooking and clean again which is triple the work. Also, I have to drop naps for the baby and feed her late and then she sleeps when I would have to still clean and cook instead of nap with her so I get energy to fight through the night.
All this, and my husband had the audacity to tell me “i got food so it was a rest day for you” – no, i still had to cook and tend to guests and clean 3 times and not get rest to avoid hallucinating from sleep deprivation. It’s 3am and I’m still doing laundry to finish my day.
I told my husband very kindly “my love, could I ask you for something please?” He said “if its gonna raise my blood pressure can it wait til 6am?” I said “its not and I wont be awake when you are – i just wanna ask that next time your mom is coming can you plan it a day in advance and let me know please, so I can clean for her and plan my chores or id let you know if im too tired like you do with my family?” He said “the thing is my mom doesnt come much (every other week) so i always let them whenever they want” i said “i know but you could maybe call them a day before since im also affected by these plans dont you think? And today I was excited to make the chicken dish you like even when you said i should rest, because you did a lot for me yesterday but i couldnt” he dropped the topic and immediately said “yea I did a lot, im affected by your needs, I got so tired and I dont sleep because of you (he slept 9 hrs), I told you to keep this for 6am you just want to attack my sleep.” And left the room.
Is it really a big ask? I really didnt think itll instigate an argument, bc with him, I have to plan seeing my family 5 business days in advance, plus ask whos coming and what the food is, plus tell him to leave the car for me a day before (if hes not coming), plus I have to cancel on them completely that week if hes too tired, so I end up seeing them once a week or two if im lucky – my 80yo grandparents wanna see their great granddaughter and gave us so much including a car and house and loads of savings and clothes for our daughter. He also needs doctor appointments planned early, and complained that I need to tell him a day before I plan to shower so he can plan his day to consider that he should watch the baby extra so I can shower (i never did that because its ridiculous and he realized but the fact he asked shows he plans, just not when its for my sake).
Another incident: we went to the mall and his mom insisted on parking on a hill on a budy roundabout, instead of the parking lot with us, so when she wanted to leave he wanted to make me push the stroller up the hill between moving cars just so we can walk her to the car. I said no im not doing that people here drive like crazy so you go with her ill wait here with the baby, he said im being stubborn and no cars will hit us, but I stood my ground and said “im not risking our child because you didnt want to be assertive with your mom to tell her to park in the parking lot and instead were kind to her but are arguing with me about pushing our baby on the street. She chose to park there, shes an adult and if you care about her you would tell her to park in the parking lot next time.” He said “no im not leaving you alone” (what now he cares about safety??) so he just watched her leave. If we’re alone, he would automatically tell us not to touch the street and that he’d get the car to us for safety, but with his mom he puts her first.
Should i: 1. Be mean and demand he plans things in advance every time and keep reminding him throughout the week or to go visit her even though hes allergic to the dog, which will end in argument, 2. Accept the last-minute plans and choose my battles better, or 3. Ask again “can you not plan in advance?” and if he says no ill say “okay ill be staying in the room when she comes if im tired and if she asks about me tell her its because you didnt plan and im tired and need to take care of myself”. 4. Any other suggestions?
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He’s showing you his priorities, and it’s not you, you don’t need to beg for basic respect, if he can plan for everything else but not for you, that’s a choice, stop arguing, stop over-explaining, set boundaries, “If it’s not planned, I’m resting, period.” If he doesn’t like it, that’s his problem.
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Your marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship. You are equal, and beyond that you both live in that house and therefore should both have a say when someone is coming over. It’s disrespectful of your husband to allow his mom to drop in whenever without discussing if that’s okay with you. It’s disrespectful that he dismisses your feelings in favor of his mom. It’s disrespectful that he requires advanced planning for your family, but his is an exception to his own rule? No.
Tell him his mom needs to make advanced arrangements to come over because the last minute drop ins don’t work for you.
I agree with this advice. You need to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. If he can’t do that for you, stay in the other room and rest with your daughter while he entertains her.
If your husband doesn’t prioritize you and your daughter over his mother, he never will. Divorce his ass and find someone that’s going to prioritize you and your daughter
“Husband, you chose to create a family.
You continue to ignore my needs.
The next your Mom shows up without at least a full days notice.
I will take that time to go sleep in a hotel room with or without the baby.
I will not discuss this either.
I love you and this family must come first”.
Then be tough and do it.
Hi, When she arrives say hello, how are you? Good. See you later and do what the hell YOU want. You’re not a doormat to wipe their shoes on. You also have a daughter now that you have to set an example for. Is this kind of treatment it? Seriously? Counseling or serious relationship rethinking is required. Good luck 🤞
He’s definitely a momma’s boy and you need to set ground rules for him and get him to deal with his mom. If he can cancel on your fam coming over because of tiredness you can do the same. If MIL comes over, invite her to cook with you if you’ve defrosted the meat for dinner already. And leave the dishes for hubby. Also sounds like you might have a touch of post natal depression if you are doing laundry at 3am and not sleeping. Tell him your boundaries. Go see your doctor. Stay with your mom for a week and get some rest. Wishing you all the best
If she is not coming to help, then her visits need to be cut very short! This is an important time for you and baby and daddy. You got a mommas boys. He can’t have it both ways.
So I handled it differently. If we were planning a rest day and his family was coming, I took it. I just explained to her I was not feeling well and was just exhausted. I had a great mil and I would go lie down and put in ear plugs and have a great nap. She enjoyed the time with the baby, my house would be clean, and often dinner was started. When I had revived I was truly grateful for her help. It was a win win. She had been a working mom and remembered all too well. Hope it helps!
He tells you that you “get to have a rest day?”. You tell him that you are TAKING a rest day.
I hope you still have work and just on maternity leave. This is not a husband. If you have other people you can lean on, it’s time to go there.
Go see your family regardless of he’s doing or not doing.
Let your husband do the chores, watch the baby, and you go take a nap.
DIVORCE. you and your daughter are supposed to be his priority. His mother is considered extended family after the marriage.
Why is there a double standard on how in laws are treated? Let me guess, he complained and you acquiesced. You seem to not be equals.
Also stop cleaning for her with no notice and don’t stop your plans. You are also enabling this behavior. You’re killing yourself for unreasonable expectations, so stop. Focus on you and the baby, similar to how your husband focuses on himself.
You need to be open with him. He’s not understanding you and it doesn’t seem like you are really being that honest. Don’t beat around the bush, have a calm honest conversation with him.
To him, his mother coming over is no big deal, I doubt he even notices all the extra work it causes you. To you it’s not for a variety of reasons.
Stop bowing to his needs and do just like him.
Tell your family to come over. Give him 24 hr notice or less. Have a relative take care of baby in the home while you take a nap.
Just stop. You are doing too much and will burn out and probably crack him upside the head.
Do what you can when you can.
Wait, he’s allowed to dictate when you see your family? Your grandparents gave you a car but he dictates when you can use it? Are you SURE he’s a good husband?
Anyway I’d recommend #3, or even just leaving the house and going to see your family if you want.
I don’t think your mother in law visiting is the problem. You seem stressed. You shouldn’t be up doing laundry at 3am or feel you need to throw out chicken if you don’t use it the same day you thaw it. Why are you planning chores on “rest days?” If your husband is the one putting these requirements on you, then he’s a big problem; and big problems don’t go away on their own.
Why couldn’t you put the chicken in the freezer? Clean the house two days later? You are being a little rigid, demand too much of yourself.
If she is coming over unannounced or last minute, I would try not to worry about cleaning for her. Tell your husband you’re not doing anything special with the house. If she can’t understand you’re a new mother, that is her problem. I also wouldn’t keep my child up for a grandparent. My in-laws visit us about one weekend per month. I have three children and have always taken my babies back for their nap when they’re around and let them know the baby has to sleep. And yes, I nap with them.
I also communicate with my MIL and tell her when is a good time. Maybe you can try a group text?
Girl grow a spine.
Mommy’s boys are the worst and so are their nightmare mothers…
Stand up for yourself. Leave him to entertain his mommy while you go out somewhere
Stop cooking and clean when she’s there. Just stop all of it and let him figure it out. Stop accommodating both of them. The visits will stop quickly.
I love my parents but I enforce a strict minimum 24 hours notice rule.
I’d stop with all the cleaning and just go about your day. She mentions anything about a mess, just tell her you’re tired. Let him do the cleaning as it’s his mom. And dinner is whatever YOU planned for that day. You need to get tough.
OMG. You have to stop with all the talking. You are being so passive aggressive like your backbone doesn’t exist.
He puts his mother first. Put yourself first. You do not have to clean the house or feed her. He can do that if it is important to him. You are tired, let them take care of baby while you sleep. Stop acting the martyr. It is getting you nowhere.
The correct hierarchy is Mother, Daughter, Wife.
I would do another option. Let him do the cleaning and cooking. It’s your rest day – why even get up when his mother is there? She’s not a special once or twice a year visitor who needs your attention. Let her have time with the baby while you nap and stay in bed.
There’s no reason YOU should be up cooking and cleaning late. He can do or at least help you with that. How about you cook and he cleans up while you go to bed?
I feel like you’re putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on yourself. I get your frustration but put it back on him and go on with your plans to get some rest!!
Stop cleaning for her. Hubby’s guest, he cooks and cleans, you and baby lock yourselves in the bedroom and rest.
Before we give advice, we need to know more. What country do you live in? This sounds like a cultural issue too. Telling someone to divorce her husband can get her killed in some countries. So, OP, give us more info. You know what we need to know.
Find your voice!