I live with my parents while finishing school, and while I’m grateful, it’s becoming really suffocating. They still act like I’m 15, telling me not to stay out late, asking where I’m going every time I leave, criticizing my spending, and questioning my choices constantly. I’ve tried to explain that I’m an adult now, but it always turns into an argument about “respect” or “their house, their rules.” Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you get parents to see you as an adult without constant fights?
Parents still treat me like a teenager at 22 – how do I get through to them?
r/Advice
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Move out or start paying them rent.
Move out.
Move out. Their house, their rules.
You need to move out and prove it. I would be shocked if you are taking all the responsibilities of an adult in your situation. Are you grocery shopping for yourself?
Maam you have these meatheads telling you move out like they know you can magically do that. People if she could she would, with that being said they’re looking out for you. You should be saving every dime you’re getting because guess what when you finish school and think you’re grown and living on your own that’s when reality of life will hit you not these redditors telling you move out when half of them are living checc to checc or on government assistance on Reddit. Your parents love you enjoy that whole you can because when you’re paying rent or mortgage water electric your phone bill I bet that tone will change
Hey there. I’m sorry you are going through this. I grew up with pretty stricked parents and they did the same to both myself and my younger brother.
You’ll always be their child, so remember that everything they say and do comes from a place of love (even though it doesn’t seem that way). Parents will always be concerned for their children, no matter what age.
Honestly to fully gain your independence, you have to move out. Show them without words that you are an adult, and they will worry less about you. It’s lovely of them to have you live with them during schooling, but even when you are in your 30s/40s/50s, you’ll always be their child even though you are an adult, and they’ll always treat you as such as long as you are under their roof.
My parents, even now I’m 34, 2 children, and married, still make me feel like I’m 16 sometimes.
Good luck friend.
Until you’re financially independent and living on your own, this is very likely to continue.
When you’re living at home a lot of parents default to old habits even if you’ve clearly grown. One thing that helped me was shifting from trying to win the argument to calmly setting boundaries and being consistent.
Instead of saying I’m an adult stop treating me like a kid, try showing responsibility in visible ways and picking your battles.
Also choosing the right time to talk can make a huge difference. They may not change overnight but steady mature behavior over time speaks louder than words.
I’m 35 and my parents still treat me like im a child when I see them…. so I dont see them often
You don’t convince them, you move out. Independence talks louder than words
Honestly, at 22 you move out.
You can’t really control how they behave or how they treat you. The behavior of others is just not something that is in your purview. But you can remove yourself from the situation.
Get control of all your legal documents… your birth certificate, naturalization papers, Social Security card, and drivers license if you are in the states. If you don’t have those, and your parents won’t give them to you, you can have copies mailed. Google “how do I get XYZ document in XYZ state?” And follow the first .gov website.
If you don’t have a high school diploma or a GED you need to get a GED. Your local library will have the information on how to do this.
Open a bank account in only your name. If you have a joint account with your parents pick a different bank. This will keep screw ups from happening, where they end up on your account and can withdraw your money. All you have to do is rock up to your bank of choice with your documents in hand and they will open a bank account for you. Just ask a banker for help.
Then get a job if you don’t have one. At this point, if you don’t have any specific training, get any job that will hire you. Bag groceries. Work food service. Working at a warehouse. Funnel that money into your account. Touch it as little as possible.
Start a budget and research apartments. Figure out if you can afford to live on your own with the money you’re making at your current job.
If you can’t, then start figuring out how you’re going to get a better job. You could hit up community college for an affordable education. You could do vocational training. Go check out your local hospital and ask about careers they train for like lab technicians, sterile material specialists, repair and maintenance workers, or pharmacy techs.
Once you get moved out, I guarantee you the relationship will change. But right now nothing is different for them so why should they treat you any different. If you want to be treated like an adult, you need to start making adult decisions for yourself and get out on your own.
Move out. How can they see you as an adult when you’re living as you did when you were a child?
The “my house, my rules” rhetoric always drove me crazy. Yes, they deserve respect for providing a roof over your head, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve any. You’re an adult, same as them. Even if they don’t see you as one.
Are you able to move out? I was in the same situation but in my case, moving out meant that I’d get into debt (I tried several times).
What worked for me was to go about my life regardless of what my parents told me.
My curfew was 9pm or earlier at 19. What did I do? Text them I’d be getting home around 10, ignore them blowing up my phone throughout the night, and get home around 10 without engaging in an argument.
I recommend you act on your boundaries rather than fight them about it, and be as polite as possible to them when they get angry in your face (the more you disengage, the less fuel you give them to get angrier). But do make sure that you’re communicating with them in advance (I.e. texting them I’d be late beforehand) so they can’t use the argument of you being disrespectful.
As time progresses, you can push said boundary little by little (once they get used to 10pm, push it to 11pm, etc.)
I would advise that if you’re planning on going this route, you have a plan B in case your parents decide to kick you out. I was able to do this because I knew mine wouldn’t, but I know that’s not the case for everyone. I recommend you save/make enough money to pay them rent or move out if things go south.
Hope this helps!
You could grey rock them a little bit. If you’re going out somewhere and staying out late it’s respectful to let your parents know. They’re not your roommates and while it might seem childish to tell them this info it’s not worth the hill to die on. As for criticizing and questioning your choices you can grey rock them and just say thanks for the advice and keep the conversation moving.
Act like an adult and if they choose not to eventually treat you like one, there isn’t much you can do. Act like an adult means emotionally, but also, take on (if you don’t already) all the responsibilities of an adult within the house, as if they were your roommates, not parents. Do you participate equally in cooking, cleaning, maintaining the house? Do you do all your own shopping, take care of your car maintenance (if you have one), etc. You may already do all this but if not, act like you are their peer, not their dependant. Choose not to argue. From a parents perspective, I still see it as my job to teach my kids when they are young adults so, yeah, I might question or even criticize spending choices. If my daughter leaves, sure, I ask her where she’s going, who she’s going with, just like I’d ask anyone, like my wife (I also tell them when I’m leaving, where I’m going, and about how long I’ll be). That’s just communicating with the people you live with. If acting like and adult and treating them like peers doesn’t work, you probably have to make a choice between putting up with it and paying your own expenses. Full disclosure: I’m a 57 y.o. man, married, with a 20 y.o daughter living at home while she goes to school.
If you are still living like a child – i.e. financially dependent on them – you are going to be treated like a child to some extent. Age alone doesn’t make one an adult.
Moving out is the answer. If you want to be an adult, you have to pay the bills like an adult. Otherwise, you are on another person’s terf where they set the rules.
Be financially independent, if u can’t move out give ur share to the household like help out with groceries and stuff and vanish from home normally too, once it’s a habit they’ll care less
Part of getting people to treat you like an adult is acting like one. Essentially, You need to assert your independence by restricting the information your parents have about you. The less information they have about you, the less they have to criticize. You can still be polite, just build some boundaries. Be vague when they ask you stuff. Don’t volunteer information. And don’t argue. Just let them have their opinions and go live your life.
Being able to live at home while you finish school is a huge financial benefit, so while the ultimate answer is to move out and live independently, it might be smart to stay at home for now. You likely won’t be able to get your parents to completely treat you like an adult, but you can get part of the way there.
Play nice. Finish your schooling / training, get a job, and move out. More then that stop relying on your parents – and get your own car, bank accounts with at least an emergency fund, insurance, safe deposit box, credit cards that you pay off monthly, take care of your own health appointments, and make sure you have and control all of your IDs. If you want to be treated like an adult, act like one.
Get out of the house boy. Or sometimes said, get off moms tit.
I personally wouldn’t move out while in college. Living independently isn’t for free.
Try updating them where you’re going by yourself. I’m 28 and still update my mum – not because she’s controlling but because I love her and because we’re close.
Don’t just say that you’re an adult. Act responsibly- be an adult. Cook healthy meals for yourself and your parents. Pitch in with chores. Don’t get drunk every weekend (or at all). Then you can have a calm conversation with them.
It doesn’t stop, the only way is to move out. For me and most people I know though you’ll find your relationship with mom and dad gets a whole lot better almost instantly. That said, save the rent money for as long as you can tolerate it and you’ll be very thankful later.
Bruh, I’m in my mid-30s, have kids of my own, and live in a different state. My parents (mostly my mom) still say this shit to me. It doesn’t end.
Show them that you are absolutely an adult and move out today. They will come begging for you back and welcome you home with open arms. Don’t give in and be a child. Show them what you’re made of !!!
Tell them to move out , assert dominance 😂😂
This is a difficult situation. I imagine that you living them does help you a lot from a financial and family support perspective. It does come at a cost. Not all parents make the transition as quickly to treat their children as adults and respect their space. They clearly love you and care. It might be very difficult for your parents to see you as an adult. Perhaps having adult situations where they see you operate would be one.
If you can afford it or see it more advantageous to not live with them in your situation, then work towards attaining that. It sounds like you are close to graduating – so why not wait till then? That will mark a milestone in their minds as well and help step you up to the next level with them. And living with them until that point will mean one less thing to worry about in life – but you have to bear it for a bit longer:).
Its okay to be 22 and live at home. Have a discussion with your parents. Try using logic over emotion. Your parents love you and want whats best. Ask about expectations and what you can do to contribute around the house. There’s many ways to go about it. But don’t crash out and leave just because you think you’re a big boy. This will hurt you financially down the road. Cheers
You should run with the “it’s about respect” angle and see how that lands. Respect works best when it is mutual.
Just because you’re an adult, that doesn’t mean they don’t still see you as their child. But here’s the thing — they probably raised you well enough to be able to trust you. Doubting you is just doubting their own parenting skills. This is where you can turn it into a matter of their pride.
Something like
> “hey, I really value how invested you are in my life. It’s good to know you care. Of course I respect you, but I want to ask you for respect as well. You raised me to be accountable and make good choices, but you need to let me make those choices on my own now as an adult. If I need your advice I know where to get it.”
Likewise, when they’re being overly critical you should try reframing the interaction. Assume they have good intentions with shitty executions.
> “Hey mom, it’s hurtful when you talk to me that way. If you have advice about money I’d really love it if you could find a way to give it in a way that’s more constructive. I just don’t know what to do with the things you say other than hurt.”
Ultimately, if you demonstrate that you’re a mature adult then they will begin to treat you that way.
Edit: and you should get your own place soon
Ok I am 35 2 kids, live with your parents as long as you can bank as much money as you can! I can’t stress this enough to the younger people. The real world is hard as hell and you need as much of a leg up as possible. If they have rules sit down and talk to them about it, find out what they expect of you and ask what is acceptable and what isnt. Once you are on your own yes the freedom is amazing but if you are not prepared life will kick you in the ass real quick.
Been there, done that. Gotta move out and basically have no life type ties to them (insurance, housing, food, stuff like that, although I never had issues with staying on medical insurance till I was 26). Solved things almost overnight for me. I think that’s because for them they went from “all powerful” to completely powerless.
I always felt like it was the parent child dynamic. No matter how much or which way I explained it, to them they are the parent and “my house my rules” so it kinda didn’t matter to them and how it effect me and my life.
I never hated my parents, but as I grew older it got tough. Now, we’re chill and have a lot of fun. I have full control of my life and what I do. If we’re hanging out and things start to get heated or go sideways I (easily and politely as to avoid future problems) just leave. I can go back to my place or somewhere else.
You are an adult legally, but you are not yet living life as an adult. You are in school, and living in your parents home. Whats changed since you were 17?
Either deal with it, or move out.
I don’t think they are treating you like you’re a child just that YOU are their child. They care and even though you’re an adult they still want to be involved in your life. You can let them tell you what they want you to hear and continue what you’ll want to do.
I’m going to agree with the people saying to move out, but with a caveat. The relationship between parent and child often gets frozen until major life events occur.
When I was 34, I owned my own home, was making $80k, and was married. My parents still acted like I was an irresponsible teenager. Then I had a kid. That was the first time I heard my dad refer to me as a grown man. It might take something as big, but if you don’t live with them, they can’t complain
Do you act like an adult, share the responsibility as a member of the family? Like if you can’t contribute financially, take on the chores to compensate etc?
If you want to be treated like an adult, you need to act like one.
A lot of people are like non playable characters. They have little or no ability to say or do anything differently. They have no interest in learning, changing or growing.
Accept them as they are. See it as caring vs nagging.
Don’t stay out late = I worry when you’re not around
Where you going = if I need you or something happens to you I would like to know where to find you
Spending = I want you to be wise and prosperous economically
Etc.
You’re going to have to move out I think
your still a child living off their welfare. Move out. Take responsibility and get a life of your own. Then they will respect u, in the same way you will start appreciating them for everything they did for you.
If you don’t like it then you are absolutely free to move out. While you’re living at their home, expect to follow their rules.
Until rent is paid or a person has moved out, they need to find some middle ground either through schooling or spending a lot more time away from the house. This gives them less time to question things.
I’m in a similar position and I understand the frustration and you’re so valid for feeling that way. I’d say to stay saving up for your own place cause that’s my plan aswell tbh
I mean, overall sounds like their are right.
No matter your age your parents will worry about you, will have opinions about your choices, and you will have to respect their house rules.
Independence is not something you receive, you build it yourself.
I’m 25 and I feel like she’s getting stricter as she gets older.
Spend a month in Europe, or some other far away place. Only call them 3 times. That will adjust their perception a bit.
They’re doing you a favor. They’re being a pain in the ass to force you to move out. Get out and NEVER EVER move back in. Visit them once a year.
Move out
Grew up in a house like that. Took until I was maybe 45 (?) for the rules to get turned down, even when I was just visiting with my own family for the day or a weekend.
You can deal with it while living rent-free, or move out. Or try family counseling, but I’m guessing that’ll be a non-starter. Boundaries are hard when the other person isn’t interested in discussing them.
Are you demonstrating adulting in other ways – helping with shopping and chores without having to be asked, meal prep and cleanup, etc?
If you live under their roof you deal with it unfortunately. You can try talking to them but I doubt that will work tbh.
Move out
They have all the power. Why should they change their ideas or behavior? Their ideas of you are set. The only thing you can do is to put up with it until you can get out. In fact maybe that’s why they are continuing to treat you like a child. To get you to want to leave. Cogitate on that to see if it fits. Take a deep breath and hold on until you can be completely independent.
The only way it’s going to change is if you move out and become totally independent.
When you move out. Then you will just stop caring.
Stay home and let them see the things you do are done by mature men. Action speak louder than words
if you’re a guy, get a Honda Accord.
pack your things inside the Honda Accord. Drive away in the Honda Accord