I have been married 14 years next month. I was absolutely wrong in the beginning of our relationship by pushing my husband to include his family in our lives and wedding planning, etc.
They hated me from the start, and he grew up in a shitty situation between poverty and divorce. As the youngest sibling, he didn’t really know how strange his family dynamic was until college and early 20s. There are only two types of communication in his family, teasing and criticism.
Some things he experienced:
Alone all weekend at 6 or 7 years old (as an adult he shows signs of childhood malnutrition)
Being in trouble for wanting to read instead of watching sports on tv with his parents/siblings (this continued through law school)
Being mocked for being in the gifted program
Some things I was criticized for:
Serving two vegetables at the first family dinner I hosted (a salad and a side dish)
Sending thank you notes after our first Christmas
Generally being a polite person and not always knowing how to respond to bawdy jokes/remarks (for example blushing or crying)
After about a decade of conflict, when we had our child we finally realized we had to go no contact in 2020, before the pandemic. They finally stopped even having our address when we moved two years ago.
Last week, my husband saw his mother for the first time. She wants to “rebuild” a relationship because he is her son and she “loves” him. But she also literally said to his face that she doesn’t like him anymore, he isn’t fun, etc. she liked him better when he just took all the criticism and teasing.
He is just so broken down by being so wholly rejected by his family his whole life. He confessed to me he feels even his therapists don’t believe him when he says his family doesn’t like him. Honestly I feel just exhausted. I wish he hadn’t gone to this lunch, i wish I didn’t have to deal with this evil woman anymore.
It’s like having Rosanne Barr as your mother in law except she hates her kid. She didn’t call him for five years!!! Now she wants to see him again and I’m like WHY YOU DONT LIKE US (Maybe related, he has done quite well for himself professionally)
My husband is just about the most affable guy in the world, makes friends easily in all environments, fights for progressive values, raises his daughters with gentleness, cares for me through two hard pregnancies and long COVID, has experienced major setbacks professional and personally including the loss (death) of his oldest friend when we were in our 20s. He’s funny and musically talented and laughs a lot. He’s not perfect but he is great. Even if he was a shithead his mom should still like him.
Thanks for reading
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I’m botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
^(To be notified as soon as Effective_mom1919 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Effectivemom1919 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
[removed]
Your sweet hubby needs some therapy to help him process his terrible childhood and let the “relationship” with his egg donor go. Please don’t let her back into your lives – she will only inflict more trauma on him and the next generation.
My guess: she wants something from him. Probably money.
OP, stop criticizing yourself for assuming his family would joyfully participate in the happiness of his marriage! Give yourself a pat on the back. You had no way of knowing your kindness would not be shared. Let that go.
Mom said straight out she doesn’t cherish him because he won’t be her verbal punching bag. Literally said that to him? She couldn’t have been more honest.
You and DH need to accept this terrible statement and decide on next steps. How do you incorporate a person into your life who values you only as a scapegoat?
You don’t. Please don’t let “blood ties” override your (you and DH’s) personal worth.
My husband was abused by his mother. The pain doesn’t go away, but we’ve had a happy long marriage. You are able to give him that.
It’s very sad. She will hate him the rest of her life. Because he’s the least like her. I truly believe these monsters target certain kids because of their God given gifts. My husband is also the youngest and the scapegoat, and terrorized even still into his 50s.
Please encourage your husband to put a stop to this and heal.