Ok so last week, my kids have a half day on Wednesday. My husband works in the afternoon to the evening., so he was home when my son got home. My husband had already eaten and hadn’t washed the dishes he used to eat, and when he told our son to wash his dishes, son asked why he couldnt wash them since “it was him who left them there.”
My husband asked him again and he said no. In our house, the kids wash the dishes. Doesn’t matter who ate what. Especially if its they’re father who used the dishes. My husband said ok and washed his dishes and cancelled his phone plan. When my son asked why, he told him that since he didn’t want to wash his dishes, why would he pay for a phone plan for a phone that doesn’t belong to him.
My son complained to me saying it was unfair, and i told had he just washed the dishes like expected of him, he would have full access to his phone. Now he’s giving both of us the cold shoulder.
AITA?
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Ok so last week, my kids have a half day on Wednesday. My husband works in the afternoon to the evening., so he was home when my son got home. My husband had already eaten and hadn’t washed the dishes, and when he told our son to wash the dishes, he asked why he couldnt wash them since he ate.
My husband asked him again and he said no. In our house, the kids wash the dishes. Doesn’t matter who ate what. Especially if its they’re father who used the dishes. My husband said ok and washed his dishes and cancelled his phone plan. When my son asked why, he told him that since he didn’t want to wash his dishes, why would he pay for a phone plan for a phone that doesn’t belong to him.
My son complained to me saying it was unfair, and i told had he just washed the dishes like expected of him, he would have full access to his phone. Now he’s giving both of us the cold shoulder.
AITA?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. I would just hold out because he will break. When he does, tell him dishes everynight for a week. He misses one day or gives attitude about it, the phone will be shut off again for one month which will be followed by another week of dishes.
NTA – unified parents enforcing household rules together. Great job. Now tell your son what he needs to re-earn the privilege.
NTA – this is parenting done right. Don’t do what’s expected, you lose. Such is life.
YTA. This isn’t a reasonable punishment nor a natural consequence for what your son did.
YTA, your children dont exist to clean up after you.
Nicely done from both parents. NTA you taught him actions have consequences and you both acted in unison. Well done.
The conversation should have happened before the plan was cancelled. Did it? Otherwise it’s so passive aggressive. Not really the AH, but room for improvement. It was the right more but the wrong delivery.
NTA! You’re teaching him a valuable lesson! In life things are earned through hard work if dishes are his job in the house then dishes are his job.
YTA talk about an overreaction.
And hey cleaning up after yourself is a skill adults should learn too!
I’m all for kids having chores but It’s one thing for them to do the dishes every night after family dinner but I think it’s kinda crazy to expect them to just clean/put away dishes your husband used to eat by himself.
NTA your husband is right. If you have this rule your son should respect that.
N T A for presenting a united front and upholding household expectations. I do think canceling the phone plan for not washing dishes one day is a bit much.
Nope, good dad
NTA Having your parents pay for your phone plan is a privilege. Your son lost that privilege when he refused to wash the dishes. He can get a pay as you go phone in the meantime If it’s important to him.
NTA, but how old is this kid?
Based on the info in the original post, YTA for how this was handled.
I completely agree with children having designated chores. I believe kids should contribute to the household.
I also believe that the consequences should have been clear to your son. From what your post states, your son didn’t immediately comply and was severely punished. (And yes, not having a phone is a severe punishment to a teen.) There was no discussion of “if you don’t do chores, we won’t provide phones”. Sounds like husband was on a power trip.
Then parents will be on facebook crying that their adult children won’t talk to them or let them meet their grandchildren lol
YTA
Clean your own mess. It’s one thing to have kids do the family dinner dishes but other than that, what exactly are you teaching them? That kids are free labor? That adults don’t clean after themselves?
YTA…. The punishment does not fit the “crime” all this tells me is that the father is lazy and can’t clean up after himself and is setting a bad image to his son for the future. Another thing, if this is how you two act don’t be surprised when your son cuts you two off it goes low contact when he’s able to be independent.
Info: how old is your son?
Are you telling me that your husband got home, ate, and told his child to clean the dishes he just used? Yeah your both assholes. That would piss anyone off.
INFO
What household chores do the people in the house do? Is split equally? How old is the kid?
ESH here. By all means, take away digital priveleges, but you shouldn’t be cutting off his ability to make phone calls. I don’t know how you would do that, I guess parental controls or going to the store and buying a $20 flip phone.
Meh kinda leaning towards YTA.
Wash the dishes is reasonable after dinner or when there’s a collective pile up of dishes. But “wash the one dish I just used because I don’t feel like it” isn’t really. You state “especially my husbands dishes”
Why? Is he a two year old not capable of ever cleaning up after himself? Why is your husband so lazy and incompetent he can’t wash the one dish he used for lunch? Your son is right, he’s not a maid he shouldn’t have to clean up every mess dad makes.
While I get the premise of consequences, cancelling an entire phone plan just because your son didn’t want to do the dishes right away is going a bit overboard.
If your kids already wash the dishes anyway, why did it need pushing?
And why not just have a fitting consequence, like no phone/technology until the dishes were done?
And why did it have to happen right then and there and not at the normal dishwashing time?
ESH, seems a bit of an over the top punishment, honestly.
NTA This was an opportunity for your child to learn a very important lesson. Teach him one more lesson. Tell him that you and your spouse are a parenting team and he should not to try to divide you. Parents should always back each other up in front of the children. Even if you disagree behind closed doors you should present a united front to your children.
YTA – the kid should have a consequence, but it wasn’t communicated.
Good on you for following through and being a parenting team, but…
a) that’s ridiculous that the kids are expected to be your maids, but…
Primarily the issue is b) this is vindictive rather than a properly meted out consequence. “If you don’t do X, expect Y.” Then, when kid doesn’t do X, Y is not a surprise.
Lastly c) the punishment does not remotely fit the crime here.
YTA, both you and your husband are huge AH. Do you want your kids to talk to you when they’re adults? Because this is a fast track to having kids who hate your guts. This was an extremely disproportionate reaction to your son asking a reasonable question, why should he have to clean up after his dad? He’s not your slave. But not even giving him a warning, just going straight to cancelling his phone PLAN??? That’s a ridiculous overreaction. Maybe grounding him for a day or two but completely cancelling the plan is uncalled for. Apologize for your overreaction, find a consequence that is proportionate to the “crime”. Like, extra chores. You literally just taught him that he can’t expect you to act rationally, so he will not trust you in the future. Do better
YTA. Over reaction.
I’m a parent of adults and a grandparent. This punishment is out of proportion to the offense. It is actually reasonable for whoever does creates the only dishes at a meal to clean up after himself.
I expect this son to leave home as soon as he is able.
YTA washing the dishes after a family meal is a normal chore. Washing dishes that dad used on his own is not a reasonable chore.
NTA. Doing chores around the house is how kids pay for privileges like access to cars, phones, etc.
YTA – total overreaction on your husband’s part.
YTA Your son was right. Why is your husband too lazy to wash his own dishes?
NTA. Kids do chores. That’s fair as parent do everything else. This is a life lesson for you son.
YTA
I hate this kind of parenting.
He didn’t make the mess. He didn’t eat any of the food.
He is now being punished because your lazy assed husband refused to clean up after himself and demanded your son do it and then used his power over your son to punish him for not doing what he was told.
Chores should be shared. He cleans his own room, helps clean up after family dinners, helps keep common rooms clean, etc.
Demanding that he be a scullery maid for a lazy assed parent is teaching him that those who he is supposed to be able to trust and that have power or him will abuse him and then punish him when he stands up for himself.
Is that REALLY what you want to teach your kid?
YTA. Why is a child cleaning up after a grown adult? What lesson is getting learned here? Don’t be surprised when your kid doesn’t want to have a relationship with you as an adult.
You don’t sound like good people. Yta
Your husband is a legend.
YTA and so is your husband. I get that dishes are your son’s chore but seriously how lazy is your husband that he can’t wash his lunch dishes. What happens when your son moves out are you both going to call him to come home everyday to wash your dishes? Or continue to be lazy and slobs. Cancelling your son’s phone plan Because your husband is lazy is not fair to your innocent child.
NAH. This is just parenting. Hope it goes well. We are all counting on it!
EHS. But I really want to say you and your hubby do kind of suck the most.
Teenager: He has his chores and sure, he should’ve just done what he was told since it is expected of him BUT.
You & Husband: If dad ate by himself, and only messed up a couple dishes, dad can wash them! Because IMO, dad is the only one who ate, he’s the one who dirtied them, he should wash them. If it was a FAMILY meal, and it was EVERYONE’S dishes, then 100% I would be on your side. But no, this was a dad only meal. Dad should’ve been the one to clean and to cancel a phone plan over not washing dad only dishes? He has EVERY right to cold shoulder you.
I can’t believe I don’t see other people saying more EHS, and it’s all either Y T A OR N T A, but fully I believe this needs to be revisited and expectations revisited and I think you and Hubby need to figure out some messes ARE acceptable for kids to clean up after you. But this is one where HUBBY needed to clean.
YTA you guys sound culty. “especially if it’s their father who used the dishes”?? daddy can’t clean his own plate? also i’d love to know how old this kid is because if it’s younger than 15 you guys aren’t just assholes you guys are weirdos. you’re either setting him up to never speak to yall as an adult or to be a weird power-hungry man in his own home
INFO: is it permanent phone plan loss or for set time frame?
It doesn’t matter who does what chores, the adults in the house set the rules. They are the ones paying the bills. Hell, that’s a chore all on its own. This kids Dad asked for him to do the dishes the kid refused, and he found out the price of refusing. Classic FAFO scenario. Maybe next time the kid will listen to his Dad before refusing.
NTA
*Edited for ranking.
NTA
YTA. Let me get this straight. Your son gets home from school. Dishes are in the sink from a meal your husband ate. Why on earth would anyone but the person who ate the meal be expected to clean those dishes? If everyone had eaten together, I’d understand. Whoever makes dinner for everyone shouldn’t do the washing up, right? But dad didn’t make dinner for everyone, just himself. So why is son responsible for washing up? Also the statement “especially if it’s their father” has me raising an eyebrow. Even that aside, the punishment doesn’t fit the alleged “crime”. Advice? Talk to your husband and find a new system.
YTA because the punishment didn’t fit the crime. I could see temporarily losing use of the phone but canceling it all together is too much.
I’m kinda with your son.
Surely a better response would have been to chat about this? Establish WHY the kids wash the dishes and what you do in return. Help them to realise that everyone doing bits is how a family works? Instead your husband decided to take the nuclear option.
All this is going to do is foster resentment and discord, which is not what you want in a family.
Your son sees himself being treated as a skivvy, washing up pots that he hasn’t even used, meals he hasn’t partaken in. Imagine it was you that came through that door and was told to wash up someone else’s dirty dishes. Are you going to willingly skip to it? I wouldn’t.
Sounds to me like son is getting older and beginning to be more independent. Different tactics are required or you risk a lot more issues in the future.
NAH
ps – why can’t your husband wash his own plates up???
YTA. husband should have washed his dirty dishes.
Overkill punishment.
YTA. Your kid is not your servant. If they didn’t eat anything or dirty any dishes they should not be cleaning them. Kids do not exist to clean up after you and your husband.
YTA. Cancelled the whole plan? Instead of simply taking it away for one night? That’s a bit outrageous
Info. Did your son know before, that canceling the phone plan would be the punishment for not doing the dishes? How long is this going to last? Will he just not be able to use his phone anymore? Does he need to get a job to pay for it? Did you communicate any of this with him at all? Because if you didn’t then your husband just reacted out of anger which is the definition of bad parenting.
YTA.
Disproportionate response for a reason I cannot comprehend that will immediately have a huge impact on your kid’s life.
This is not quality parenting and leads to exactly what you are experiencing; a child that does not want to speak to you and resents the decision their parents made.
Why not sit down with the kid and try to explain their hypocrisy rather than a punitive punishment over what sounds like a tiny problem
YTA. Did you tell your son you were cutting off his phone? Or was it done without telling him in a passive aggressive power move? Tell your husband to clean up after himself. I’d be embarrassed to have my child cleaning MY mess. Your children don’t exist to wash your dishes. I’m all for kids helping out and having chores, as well as consequences for poor behaviour/back talk. This is just ridiculous.
Why are you coming to Reddit? That’s YOUR home, and you make the rules. Also, you know you were correct! Your son learned a valuable lesson.
“Especially if it’s their father who used the dishes” What kind of patriarchal nonsense is that. You’re raising a kid who is going to get married and never expect to have to do dishes in his own home because that’s for kids and women.
YTA
Much relevant and missing Information needed
How old is your son??
What chores is he expected to do? And does he know this?
Does he have issues in following through with his chores on a regular basis?
Has he done this before and what were those consequences and conversations like??
Were there other dirty dishes in the sink?? Or only your hubby’s lunch stuff?? Again this goes back to how often is he supposed to do dishes?? What his dish schedule?? And yes there should be one.
YTA, why couldn’t your husband clean up after himself? Hard to believe two grown adults would be that petty. Give it some time, then you’ll be on here posting about why your son doesn’t want much to do with either of you.
NTA your son FAFO. When he does his chores he can have his phone turned back on. Good parenting right here
YTA. I could see if this was after a family dinner. Or if there was a build-up of dishes in the sink. But making your son drop everything because your husband decided he was hungry and was too lazy to clean up after himself while the kid wasn’t even home? This was a massive overreaction. It’s the modern equivalent of my mom being punished for my uncle burning a pot trying to boil hot dogs because she wasn’t watching him…because her school let out later than his.
Yta
Yall are gonna lose your kids once they leave the house if you don’t change the way you’re going.
It’s fine to have chores but the way your husband said it makes it sound like your kids are your (sl av es) and have to do what you say right when you say it.
Why couldn’t the dishes wait till after dinner since your husband already left them there?
YTA what an over reaction to cancel his phone plan over dishes. don’t be surprised when your kids go no contact with you both as soon as he gets a job and moves tf out
YTA. You and your husband sound oddly controlling. Giving kids chores is one thing and they should have those but the way you’re describing it is giving “my husband thinks its beneath him to wash dishes and everyone in this house is a servant for him” vibes. Under normal circumstances, you would not be the AH for taking away his phone for not doing chores, but here it sounds like you are.
Obviously, there might be more nuance to the story, but if that’s what you give, this is what you get 🤷♂️
YTA: You need some parenting classes. Your rules are pretty random. And it is perfectly fine for kids to ask the rationale for adult decisions. Your husband acted petulantly instead of discussing alternatives. If your son knew the price was losing his phone he probably would have washed the dishes. Instead your husband set a trap for your son. He is proving to his son that his is unreliable and random.
Dad should have said the chores such as washing dishes is connected to him paying for the phone. Give the child the right to choose. If he doesn’t do the dishes he is deciding to lose his phone plan. But your husband was sneaky about it. And even said ok. And then went behind his son’s back to get even.
YTA massive over reaction, a natural consequence of not washing dishes is not having something clean to eat off/ making them make their own food once they have cleaned the dishes not cancelling a phone plan which is a child’s lifeline. Even removing the phone until the chores done would be a reasonable response. Also your kids are not there to clear up behind you/husband, asking them to clean dishes they’ve used or after a family meal is fine.
While I agree openly disagreeing with your husband would let them think you will over rule each other and a united front is always a good thing, it’s time you sit down together with your child and came to a more reasonable outcome
YTA. Your husband overreacted because he had to wash his own damn plate.
YTA. Shared meal? Sure, kids should absolutely help. Husband’s dishes when he ate alone? Nope – Your Husband is lazy for not cleaning up after himself.
Do you feel like you can even disagree with your Husband or is your phone plan going to get cancelled too?
YTA and so is your husband.
Your husband should be the one cleaning his own dishes. If the dishes in question were from a family meal, there’d be a different outcome. But your husband should have been the one to clean his own lunch dishes.