A few months ago, I met someone who I quickly developed an attraction to; but of course, he’s married, and I did not find out about this until after the fact.
Before then, however, he and I developed a good rapport and I got a bit bold in flirting with him. At one point, during a close conversation, I leaned in to touch his knee and left my hand there for a few minutes. He didn’t react in the moment, but there was definitely a shift in our dynamic after that.
I repeat: I did NOT know that he was married until after this incident, when he explicitly mentioned it to me in passing. I got the hint, and no other lines have been crossed since then. But we‘ve still remained friendly and warm, notably moreso on his part (in comparison to the way things were before).
After the knee touch thing, he started complimenting me enthusiastically on how smart I am and has been periodically increasingly super smiley/giggly with me since then. Not over the top, but noticeable. His behavior otherwise has been a little strange also, and I’m not quite sure how to read it.
Since that instance of physical flirtation, he has consistently brought up his wife to me — but not in a very positive way? It’s just weird. For background info, this guy is in a senior-level position and habitually works long hours in the office, like 14-hour days and on the weekends.
Ever since the flirting incident, he’s been repeatedly mentioning to me (unprovoked) how unhappy his wife is with his approach to work. He’s told me multiple times, how much she complains about him not calling/talking to her enough and not spending proper time with her. Some context: my family is a client of the business he works for, and he specifically said that he’s frequently been calling and talking to my relatives (instead of his wife) during the 1.5-hour long drive between his home and office.
“You leave before I wake up, you come after I sleep,” (her to him, then him to me). He keeps making a point of her complaining and hinting at other things, and then he’s bringing it up to me out of his own volition. Apparently, during one phone call involving my parents, his wife asked him some rhetorical (angry) question about who’s more important and he told me he tells her that clients are also important.
One other time, I was talking to him about his demanding work schedule and how he manages stress (I needed the advice), and he told me he doesn’t consider it stress because his career is his passion. Then he brings up how he tries to spend time with his wife, but even during that, he often ends up writing things down for work.
He’s previously said something about being “a mouse with my [his] wife,” and another time, I mentioned briefly that my family is rather difficult; he responded by telling me not to worry about it and added on: “Even when my wife is shouting at me, I know it’s because she cares for me.”
Lots of comments like these that aren’t quite complaints about her or his marriage, but they just feel out of place. I would not have thought anything if they were just one-offs, but as a pattern, I’m not sure what to make of it. The other day, I tried to be nice and play along (because I don’t really know how to respond when he does this) by joking that I didn’t want him to get in trouble at home if he takes another phone call from my relatives.
He gives me a big smile and tells me his wife is asking him, “I see you once in a week, are you even my husband?” Next he mentions he’s taking her out that night. I smiled and nodded, then changed the subject. Obviously, since learning he’s married, I lost interest because I am not that kind of girl.
Awkward knee flirting aside, I thought we could just remain friendly but now I’m really not sure what’s going on. Is this guy trying to get me to play couples therapist? We’re friendly, but not that friendly. Also, I don’t think he’s being manipulative or trying to reel me in, because why would he think that I’d be attracted to him telling me what a crap husband he is?
He is generally quite sweet and earnest, so it feels more like these are just his stream-of-consciousness thoughts. I just don’t know how to respond besides ignoring the wife-talk and changing the subject. I do like him as a person and don’t want to hurt any feelings, but I don’t know how to openly set boundaries without coming off unfriendly and rude. How should I approach this?
TL;DR – recent “crush” of mine fizzled out once I discovered that he’s married, but something shifted in our dynamic. I’m not sure why he’s behaving a certain way now or what exactly is going on, nor do I know how to handle things moving forward. Help?