I (35M) am in a sports team. We’re a pretty tight knit team. We socialise outside of practice often, getting monthly drinks or going out for each other’s birthdays, that kinda thing.
Anyway, I started dating my gf ‘Carol’ (39F). When things started getting serious, I invited her to practice sessions to watch and it was great. It’s always a good time, she helps out, is friendly with everyone, and has even joined in team exercises. It’s fun. She gets on with all the team except one – ‘Josh’ because he doesn’t approve of her relationship with her brother ‘Ben’ (25M).
So this is complicated and again, I’m having to be vague, but Ben isn’t her biological brother. He’s actually her ex brother in law. It’s a long, complicated story that I won’t share to protect identities but the short version is even prior to marrying her ex husband, she was close to his family, and that includes Ben, even post divorce.
Josh seems to think that I shouldn’t trust Carol with Ben because they’re not ‘really related’ so she could sleep with him.
Carol has never done anything to make me think she would. I have siblings myself, and they do very much act like siblings, even though they’re not biologically related. There’s never been anything inappropriate between them and I have zero concerns. I have even hung out with her and Ben together for movie nights, or video game night. And I don’t think their relationship is unusual – I have a similar one with my oldest sister’s best friend where she counts herself as my ‘honorary big sister’.
But Josh has gotten a real bee in his bonnet about this. At first it was nothing, just a few comments to me privately to ‘watch her’ or ‘watch them’. But he’s slowly started escalating to the point where he mutters under his breath about her and can get passive aggressive with Carol. After one practice, one of my teammates came to me and said Josh had made negative comments about Carol to her. She told him off for what he said but wanted to make me aware. So, it seems clear his behaviour is going to continue escalating.
I think I know why he’s behaving this way. His previous partner was terrible to him, and again, not too many details, but she did so many awful things, the least terrible being that she cheated. So, he does have some trauma there which I suspect is colouring his opinion of Carol. Obviously this doesn’t excuse his behaviour, but I think it may be the cause of it, which makes dealing with it tricky.
As far as I can tell, there is nothing similar between Carol and his ex. They’re not the same age, don’t look alike, don’t have the same personality, don’t talk alike. Its also not uncommon for partners to come to practice either (in fact we encourage it), and he’s not like this with other people’s partners. I cannot think why he has singled Carol out or what set him off.
I need to sort this out because it can’t keep escalating like this. It’s not good for my gf. It’s not good for Josh. And it’s not good for the team.
Obviously, I have talked to him about it several times, have told him its not acceptable, and have asked him to stop every time he does it. Yet he continues.
It wouldn’t be fair to exclude Carol from practice, and even if I did, he makes comments about her even when she’s not there.
How do I talk to Josh about his behaviour? I was thinking of talking to the team captain, but I also want to be sure how best to navigate this. I don’t want Josh to think we’re ganging up on him, and I want to minimise friction in the team if possible. It has to be dealt with I’m just not sure how. Any ideas or perspectives would be appreciated.
Or even some ideas why he might be behaving this way would be helpful.
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He has a crush on your girlfriend and he’s projecting. Maybe part of him even hopes you’ll break up with her over this so he can ~give it a try, even as he’s taking his frustration out on her.
Because seriously, immediately leaping to “she might sleep with her brother(-in-law)!!” based on them acting like regular siblings despite not being blood-related is so wildly out of pocket that there is no way it isn’t anything but jealousy.
Maybe tell “Josh” that “Carol” knew this “brother” long before she knew you so if she wanted to be with him she’d already be with him and she wouldn’t be with you. Then you can remind him that his own personal emotional baggage from his romantic past is irrelevant to your current relationship.
I always find it amusing when people start a post with, x person is on reddit so I’ll keep it vague and then proceed to lay out a story in great detail that anyone involved would immediately recognise just with names changed.
One thing that can work is to have some open ended deep talk time and wait for the right moment to make a point that might land and register with him.
I don’t know if you have tried getting more firm or just ignoring him altogether?
I don’t know the captain so I can’t help you gameplan that but I will just say that his behavior is harassment and you are well within your rights to continue to take steps to make that stop, even if they “escalate ” things. You are thoughtful. You are not trying to cause issues. This is a simple matter of firmly and kindly continuing to take steps to have a team environment that is harassment free.
We can do our best to ease impact on group dynamics but ultimately we can’t choose how other people will think and behave. You can’t take such responsibility for group cohesion onto your shoulders because protecting the environment from harassment is already enough of a task.
Yeah man you’re right what Carol has with Ben isn’t weird or that uncommon. There’s kids next door I grew up with and we’re honorary siblings too since we were always in and out of each others houses. I actually think its sweet that they’re still close even post divorce.
Went to one’s wedding, sat at the family table, got introduced as ‘next door sister’. It’s sweet but not at all weird. Especially if you’re happy theres nothing untoward.
A few questions. How does Carol react to Josh?
Also has Josh ever met Ben?
>I have talked to him about it several times, have told him its not acceptable, and have asked him to stop every time he does it. Yet he continues.
Can you turn it into a joke? Would that be a different approach?
Don’t get upset, get worried, maybe. “Dude, your obsession with this nonsense is concerning, I’m really worried about you.”
I would tell him that while I appreciate that he’s looking out for me, I’m a big boy and can handle whatever life throws at me. But I can’t tolerate his constant hostility.
He needs to understand that he’s not actually being helpful and it’s going to create fractures in the team. Don’t make it about your gf. Make it about his behavior.
This will shortly affect your team as a whole. It is harassment and the hostile team mate needs to be told he is out of line and looking at a harassment charge. It stops now, or the team will be told that you will be filing charges and why. Speak to a lawyer. Then do it. Talking has not achieved anything time for action.
I would sit your friend down and tell him that your GF is NOT the same as his ex. Tell him he needs to get into therapy, because he’s ruining your relationship with him. And that if there’s another issue, you’re cutting him off. You’ll see him at games and practices, but you won’t talk to him unless you absolutely have to. Your friendship will be over.