I apologize if this post isn’t well written, I’m on 3.5 hours of sleep from fighting with my husband all night.
Last November my husband and I decided to move in with my mom because we recently had a baby and money is tight. I have a master’s degree and have worked all my life, but I became a stay at home mom when we moved because my mom was willing to let us stay with no/very little rent. We’re still not bringing in much money, and we’re often asking for help still.
Our relationship has also deteriorated since we moved, and my husband’s anger issues have spiraled to the point that we have discussed divorce many, many times. Always making up with his promises to work harder in therapy. We fight about normal stuff, but my husband can’t control himself when he gets upset and yells and screams. I can’t live like this anymore.
Every time I decide that I want to end things, I am overwhelmed by how out of control I am in this situation. I have no money, and I have no way to make my husband leave the house. He also has no money to move out. We have been separated for a short time recently, but when you are still living in the same space and co-parenting, it’s hard to stick to the decision to leave. We ended up agreeing to get more couples counseling and more individual therapy. We were doing so much better until last night.
I’m tired and just want this to end. I’ve been researching divorce and trying to work up the courage to push through with this. But I don’t know how to accomplish any of it with him in my house.
How can I navigate this without going crazy? How do I stick to my decision when he starts begging and promising to change?
UPDATE:
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented and even to everyone who downvoted my comments. Even if what you had to say was harsh, I needed to hear it. I was very sleep deprived (still am) and desperate, and I’m thankful that a handful of internet strangers took the time to listen.
I swallowed my pride and called my former boss, who is a close friend and one of the most badass women I know who has experience with divorcing an abusive husband. I knew that she would help me put my head on straighter and find my strength. It helped a lot, and she’s offered to come get me or find me a place to stay in my old city if I need her to. I don’t know if I’ll take that offer, but just hearing it from her was so grounding.
I also reached out to my sister who works in a daycare and brings her baby with her to work. She could drive me there, which was a concern because I don’t have my own car, it’s my husband’s. They are hiring and I have a soft interview tomorrow!
And I told my mom and my siblings that live with me that I’m planning to leave and need their support with telling him to move out.
I’m scared, but I’m not flailing hopelessly and paralyzed by fear anymore. I’ve known that I need to leave for months now, and I know that I’m strong enough to do it and I have so many people to support me if I can get past the shame and just ask for help.
So thank you and, wish me luck.
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You’re not trapped. You just need a plan. Come up with one and stick to it. You know the promises for change are lies. You won’t follow through with leaving him until you have a concrete plan. Figure out the problems, eg. Get a job, move, daycare/mom etc. And come up with solutions. Once you have a plan you can follow through with it one step at a time.
Sometimes you just need to hit the point where the though of keeping on doing the same thing is unbearable. Maybe you’re not there yet. I tried to leave my husband lots of times, and never followed through, until one day I just couldn’t bear staying any longer, no matter what it took.
If you don’t leave now, your child will grow up watching their mother be emotionally and verbally abused.
First of all, get some sleep. When you wake up, get some hot tea or coffee, sit down and make a plan.
You need to stick to the separation and start looking for jobs. Even if you’re still living together, just coparent. Try to reach out to women’s organizations to see if you can get any help.
You were smart enough to get a Master’s degree. You’re smart enough to do this.
What you need to do is very difficult. But take comfort in the fact that people do it all the time and succeed.
You’re a lot smarter and stronger than you know. His abuse has probably got you walking on eggshells and feeling so drained.
You need to first take some time to sleep and calm yourself. Then make a plan and stick to it.
You can do it. I may not know you, but as a woman, I believe in you.
What does your mom think about having a screaming, raging man living under her roof? Would she not back you up if you made the decision to kick him out? You need to look into childcare and start earning your own money again.
Husband needs to be given notice to leave. Mom may have to evict him. You need a job. You are not trapped.
When you’re in the middle of a situation it can be so hard to see a way out, and it feels like you have no control, but there IS more than one solution/decision you can take.
First of all, you can tell him to leave. If he’s working he can afford a room in a shared house, or he can go to a friend or relative.
I’m sure you’re now saying in your head “no, he can’t/won’t leave because <reasons>” but actually, there’s nothing stopping you from telling him to go. You can have a supportive friend or even the police there for support. If your mum needs to give him notice to quit the property, have her do it. Where he goes is none of your concern.
Then you file for divorce and let the courts sort it out. If he wants to be in his child’s life, it’s actually better that it goes through court, as there’s no emotional manipulation – women often try to sort these things out ”amicably” and put themselves at a disadvantage by doing so.
A person who gets so angry that they yell and scream is NOT a safe person to have around a baby (or you!) and you need to acknowledge to yourself exactly how serious this is.
If therapy isn’t working, nothing’s changing, but he doesn’t want to split up, you can explain that you are quite happy for him to change/go to therapy/whatever he promises, from a distance, and you look forward to seeing the results, but for the time being, this is how it is.
I know it’s scary. Contact friends, contact organisations that help people in domestic abuse situations – they are invaluable.
I’m not sure you actually think that you’re in a domestic abuse situation, but honestly, many of us don’t realise while we’re in it…
You DO have some control in this situation, hun, so get your ducks in a row, get him out, and get some breathing space.
Did you have problems prior to moving in with your mom?
First of all file for restraining order and your mom should file her own. Your in fear of your life and the baby’s. All divorce lawyers give you a free consultation. If you decide to go this route and then file for restraining order based on his above Mom can evict him but that would just piss him. I know it’s terrifying but you ask yourself what is best for the baby. You fear his temper. You and baby have a place to stay. You can’t worry. about him. He’ll figure it out. The sooner the better. I stayed with some for 15 years. But I did it
Moving back in with a parent doesn’t usually help a marriage. As much as it sucks I don’t think you can afford to be a SAHM. Your husband needs to go but he can’t afford to support himself and you and the baby in two households. You’re both barely managing living with your mom. You can’t be a single mom without a job.
Divorce and get a job. Tell him he has to leave. He can figure it out. He’s a grown man. I was the happiest I ever was when I was a single mom. No drama. We lived in a tiny apartment on my teacher’s salary and did just fine.
You can start the process by leaving the house daily and walking a mile, even if you bring baby. Good for mental and physical health. Maybe two miles.
There are phone jobs where you can work from home.
But he is definitely not in your house! He is in your mother’s house.
Together the two of you could certainly throw his stuff out, he is the only one who needs to go find another place to live! But have you even told your mom that you want to do this?
You sound like you can’t even think…tell him to start looking for somewhere else, identify a YMCA for him to go to for a few days, something in which he is leaving so you can think.
But from this it doesn’t even appear that you really brought up divorce, that you’ve tried to put him out, that you’ve told him he needs to find another place -nothing. How about start by doing all of these things?!
And if necessary serve him an eviction notice and separate within the house, but get yourself time and space to think away from your husband.
Post on next door that you would like recommendations for day care.
Oh boy. I’m so sorry. I take it he doesn’t have a job? I’m so glad you have your degree! One way or another you have to get him out of the house. I’d start by telling him he has to go. If he gets violent, file a restraining order. Hopefully he will agree though and figure it out – he’s a grown ash man after all. You need a job of course. You might check: http://www.ratracerebellion.com for WFH jobs if that’s of interest. You may prefer to get out of the house though. Good luck! Updateme