I (27F) felt adventurous and decided to have a summer fling so I tried a dating app for the first time. I met two guys in their early thirties and it all went downhill.
So I fell in love with someone I was only supposed to be casually hooking up with. He was not on board with that and we don’t talk anymore. I cried myself to sleep for several nights, and then I decided I’m gonna put myself out there and hook up some more to get over him. And failed.
Until I met this guy, who was actually interested in a relationship with me, instead of staying casual. He’s so sweet, we have great chemistry, and frankly he’s everything I could ever ask for in a partner. When I’m with him I feel so content and safe, like that’s where I’m supposed to be. When I’m with him I completely stop thinking about the other guy altogether, like he never existed. I always look forward to the next time we meet.
And yet, when I’m home and alone, all I can think about is the guy I’m supposed to be getting over. I keep wishing he would text me saying he changed his mind, reminiscing about the time we spent together and wishing I could have that back. Sometimes I fear that if he did text me and asked me to meet him I would practically sprint to where he was.
And here’s my dilemma; I’ve only been seeing guy no.2 for a couple weeks, it’s very new and not that serious or official yet. I fear that if it gets more serious and I don’t stop having feelings for guy no.1, I’m going to have to end things and I will hurt him immensely, and just the thought of that crushes me. I feel like I’m using him and it kills me inside. There’s a saying in my mother tongue that says that you can only stop being in love with someone by finding somebody new. I don’t agree with that saying, I don’t like playing with people.
On the other hand, I feel like I do have feelings for guy no.2 and don’t want to miss out on potentially finding the relationship I always wanted. My girlfriends are telling me to keep seeing him, because if I lose him I’ll surely regret it, and in time I’ll completely forget about guy no.1.
I am very conflicted. Should I end it before it starts getting serious, or keep it pushing, hoping it’ll turn out well? Should I just stay single and work on myself? Could I possibly be in love with two people at the same time?
TL;DR I decided to get into a relationship to get over the person I’m in love with and now the guilt is sinking in. I like who I’m dating a lot but I know he deserves better.
P.S I know I’m a disgusting despicable person. I also know I sound very immature and childish, my post reads like middle school relationship drama. I started dating quite late compared to my peers, so some of the stuff I should’ve been dealing with at 16 I deal with now for the first time. Please be kind 🙂
Comments
You’re obsessing over what you can’t have purely for that reason. It’s just the way our monkey brains work. You have to make a conscious effort to change it.
I don’t think it’s the end of the world to just take things a little slower with guy #2 while you get over guy #1 and come to terms with the fact that the most important factor in a relationship is that the other person wants to be with you.
Alternatively, you could talk to guy #2, tell him you feel like you rushed things a bit after the last guy (I don’t think you need to go into details), let him know that you want to back off a bit, process the old feelings, and then reach out to him about continuing things at that point. If he is not open to that, I think that’s fine and you will find somebody else.
Just to give you a different perspective – you went on Tinder, and pretty quickly found two who you would love to be in a relationship with. I think you could end things with this second guy, fully process and get over the first one (and the second one), and go back on Tinder and find somebody else when you are in a better place.
I think I would see where it ends up with guy number 2. There’s no option to be in a relationship with your FWB so you should just move on. The way I see it is that there’s a chance it wouldn’t work out with guy number 2 even if you didn’t have feelings for your FWB so why not see where it goes. Maybe you’ll end up together, maybe you guys end up not being compatible. I’m not saying it’s right but people have rebounds all the time
Edit: I’m not saying you should rush things with this guy, take it slow and see where it goes
rather than making a dramatic decision either way, maybe give yourself a timeline. If after another month or so you’re still primarily thinking about guy #1 or feel like you’re just going through the motions, then be honest with guy #2 😀